Chapter 3
CHAPTER 3
ATTICUS
Mimi’s new place was a small, one-level home about ten minutes from the street I grew up on in Monksville, New Jersey. She had moved out of the larger house where she’d raised her family and downsized in the three years since I’d been divorced from Nicole.
While Nicole and her mother were close, Mimi was a second mother to her. She’d helped raise her when her parents had to work. Nicole was an only child, and with her parents now divorced and living out of state, looking out for Mimi was mostly her responsibility. Nicole’s mom had moved down to Florida after she met a guy who ran a business that required him to be there half the year. As for Nicole’s dad, he lived a couple of hours away in Pennsylvania now. And he and Nicole hadn’t been as close since the divorce.
I stood in front of the door, hesitant to knock, trying to mark the last moment of peace before what I knew was going to be two of the toughest weeks of my life. A set of chimes blew in the wind as I continued to linger in front of the little white house with blue shutters.
I finally rapped on the door, my heart beating faster with each second.
When the door opened, Nicole looked even more beautiful than I remembered—probably because I’d tried to forget how damn beautiful she was. The sun caught her blue eyes, her black hair even longer now. A breeze blew her signature scent—Egyptian musk—in my direction. I felt instantly feral.
I am not going to survive this.
She forced a smile. “You made it.”
“I did.”
My eyes stayed locked on hers. In a matter of seconds, my heart was practically jumping out of my chest, my hands itching to pull her close.
She stepped aside, letting me in, and pushed her hair behind her ear. “Thank you again.”
“Stop thanking me,” I muttered. “Like I told you before, I’m not doing this for you.”
My harsh tone surprised even me.
“Of course you’re not doing it for me,” she whispered. “How could I forget that we hate each other now?”
“I don’t hate you,” I said.
I needed to be nicer and make more of an effort. My attitude was completely unnecessary. But it was a defense mechanism I couldn’t seem to help, a sad attempt to stave off my feelings. Being rude seemed like the only solution right now. Because the opposite would turn me into an emotional mess. Admitting how much I’d missed her would open a can of worms that needed to stay closed if I had any chance of surviving my time here.
“Where’s Mimi?”
Nicole pointed to a room off the living room. “She’s right in there, but she’s sleeping.”
I nodded and looked around.
The living room was tiny and held only a small, floral loveseat and a table. Not much room for anything else. The surrounding built-in shelves, though, were full of trinkets and figurines. The walls were covered with framed family photos, one of which featured a little Nicole smiling with her two front teeth missing. Two black pigtails. My girl . My heart clenched as I imagined the daughter we’d never have who might’ve looked just like her.
Then I found a framed photo of Nicole and me, taken on the trip to Las Vegas when we’d eloped. It had been snapped by someone who worked at the little chapel there. I was holding her up, big smiles on both our faces. She’d worn a little white mini-dress she’d purchased that morning, and I had on jeans and a black T-shirt.
Nicole had deserved a real wedding, but we were young and so in love and hadn’t wanted to wait. It was months before we’d even told our families we’d gotten married. This was the only wedding picture we had, but I remember Mimi gladly accepting it when we broke the news to her that we’d eloped. In retrospect, I was glad we hadn’t waited to get hitched, because I’d always cherish those early years when life was normal. If we had waited, my music career might’ve taken off first, and that would’ve thwarted everything. At least I’d had the chance to call her my wife before everything went to hell. After our private ceremony in Vegas, we’d gone out for sushi and taken in a Criss Angel show. It was a simple couple of days, but still two of the best ones in my life.
Forcing my eyes away from the photo, I sighed. “This is a small space.”
“It’s tiny, yeah.” She nodded. “After Mimi sold her house, she didn’t want to deal with cleaning a big place ever again. And now, of course, she can’t clean at all. So it’s just as well that there’s not much surface area.”
I walked over to one of the shelves, lifting a figurine of a cat dipping its paw into a goldfish bowl. “I should’ve bought Mimi a better place than this.”
“She wouldn’t have let you.”
That was probably true; Mimi had a lot of pride and always took care of herself. She’d worked for many years as a legal secretary and put away nearly every red cent she’d made beyond what she needed to pay her bills.
After rolling my suitcase to a corner of the living room, I heard Mimi call, “Nicole, is he here? I hear talking.”
I guess she’s awake now. I couldn’t help but smile, although I felt ashamed all over again for how long it had been.
Following Nicole, I willed myself to stop staring at her butt. Of course, she had to be wearing cutoff jean shorts that taunted me. The things I used to do to that ass. I shut my eyes and swore at myself for letting my mind go there, for even a second. She’s not yours anymore.
Mimi’s eyes lit up when I entered the room. Her voice was hoarse. “Atticus…”
“Mimi,” I replied softly.
She reached out her hand. “I can’t believe you’re finally here.”
That broke my heart. There was no fucking excuse. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been back to visit you these past few…years.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”
“I am. And I’m so happy to be.”
Mimi had aged quite a bit since the last time I’d seen her. Her gray hair had thinned, and the creases in her face were deeper. All to be expected, but just another sign of how much time had passed.
“How’s the music?” she asked.
“It’s going well.”
Our last album going platinum was a bit more than well , but nothing seemed less relevant in this moment than my music career, and I didn’t like wasting even a shred of this time focused on it. It had taken up enough of my life. Ruined enough of my life. I felt an equal mix of appreciation and resentment when it came to my sudden stardom, and mostly they canceled each other out, leaving me feeling numb about it.
I rubbed her arm gently. “How is it that you’re more beautiful than the last time I saw you?”
“When did you become a liar, dear Atticus?”
“Come on now…” I chuckled.
“I wish I wasn’t stuck in this bed. I could make you your favorite chicken and dumplings.”
Mmm. She did make some damn good chicken and dumplings back in the day. “Well, how about I make them for you , instead?”
She struggled to laugh. “Oh, gosh…now that’s funny.”
I shrugged. “I could at least try.”
“Well, Nicole does have the recipe. I gave her all of my recipes, but I don’t think she does anything with them.” She grinned. “They’re somewhere collecting dust under all her hair tools.”
“I wish I could cook like you,” Nicole said. “But nothing comes out the same, even when I follow your recipe cards, which I actually have taken out, believe it or not. I’m convinced you’re holding back some secrets you didn’t write down.”
Mimi smiled. “You’re not able to get it to taste right because you have to cook with love . And if you don’t, people can tell. That’s the secret. But not everyone has to love to cook. I don’t think Atticus married you for your cooking.” She winked.
“That’s for damn sure,” I murmured.
Nicole rolled her eyes.
But Mimi was right. I’d married Nicole for her kind soul and, yes, her beauty. I’d married her because I’d never loved anyone like I loved her. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t the best cook. Well, with the exception of one meal. She made a mean white chicken chili.
Mimi squeezed my hand. “I haven’t wanted to eat much lately.”
I rubbed my palm over her fingers. “Maybe you’re just not eating the right stuff. The woman who works here, what is she feeding you?”
“Louise usually just heats up whatever Meals on Wheels brings. She doesn’t cook, either.”
“Well, that’s not right.” I frowned. “You should eat what you crave. What can I get you?”
She cleared her throat. “Well, now that you have me thinking about chicken and dumplings, I wouldn’t mind that.”
Damn . I’d promised something I might not be able to deliver. But I was determined to try. “Done.” I stood, letting go of her hand. “I’m gonna figure out how to make that for you, if it’s the last thing I do.”
Mimi grinned.
In that moment, I realized that my being here was so much bigger than Nicole and me. Mimi deserved some happiness in her final days, tender loving care that only her family could provide. No matter what happened with Nicole, Mimi was family to me. And she believed I was still her family. As long as I was here, I needed to act like it.
I turned to Nicole. “I’m gonna head to the market and buy everything we need to make chicken and dumplings. I’ll survey the fridge and see what else we need for the week.”
Mimi smiled. “You’re an absolute sweetheart, Atticus. Always have been. I’m so happy you’re here.”
“Me, too,” I said. “Get some rest. I’ll be back soon.” As Nicole followed me into the kitchen, I whispered, “Not sure what I was expecting, but it’s hard to see her so frail. She seems weaker than I imagined.”
“I know. It’s hard to watch that happen to someone who was once so vibrant.”
I placed my hands on my hips. “Please tell me you know where those recipe cards are.”
She nodded. “I keep them in a little box and brought them with me.”
“Good thinking.”
Nicole went to find the cards while I rummaged through the cupboards. I decided I’d handle being here by throwing myself completely into cooking and catering to Mimi. I didn’t need to focus on Nicole at all.
Yet as soon as I had the thought, I felt the warmth of her nearness as she returned to the kitchen. The brush of her long, black hair against my arm sent an unwanted rush of desire through me. Fuck. Didn’t think I’d be eating my words this fast.
Nicole opened the small box of cards and sifted through them until she found the one for chicken and dumplings. There was an asterisk next to the title, and written in cursive were the words Atticus’s favorite. My chest constricted. I’d missed Mimi. And I’d fucking missed Nicole.
“Thank you for asking me to come here,” I muttered, staring down at the recipe card.
She simply nodded, probably too afraid to thank me again, since I’d bitten her head off every other time she tried.
I took a photo of the card and went straight to the grocery store in my rental car, making sure to pull up my black hood to avoid being recognized. The escape from the tension in the house was welcome, but I also needed to avoid getting stuck out here signing a bunch of autographs. Delirious Jones had risen to fame pretty quickly after one of our songs went viral a few years ago. I didn’t get recognized quite as much as Tristan did, but I still experienced a fair amount of public interruptions. Ironically, the rise of my career had coincided perfectly with the demise of my marriage. Or maybe that wasn’t so ironic, since one thing was the direct result of the other.
After I paid for the groceries, my phone rang as I was leaving the market. “’Sup, Ronan?” I asked in greeting.
“You don’t sound like you’re ready to jump off a bridge, so that’s good…”
I put the bags in the trunk. “I’m actually heading back from the supermarket.”
“Jesus. When was the last time you went food shopping?”
“I can’t remember.” I chuckled. “Anyway, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. I was just calling to check on you. How’s it going?”
“Well, I’m learning pretty quickly that me being here is bigger than my hang-ups with Nicole. It’s basically her grandmother’s last wish to have this time with us, and I need to be present and not stuck in my fucking head, living in the past. So I’m determined to focus on Mimi.”
“God knows you do enough of that living-in-the-past shit already.”
“Thanks, asshole. I’m aware of that.” I sighed.
“Well, I’m glad things are going okay.”
“Thanks. What’s new with you?”
“Just chilling out here in L.A. Waiting for you to get back, so I’m not bored as shit. Almost bought another car today because I had nothing better to do. Walked my ass out of there and donated the money instead.”
“You don’t do well with time off.”
“You’re right. I’d rather be working, which is messed up.” He groaned. “I need a woman.”
That was funny. Ronan probably had the most women falling at his feet lately. But he hadn’t met anyone he’d deemed worthy of more than one night.
“You’re too damn picky, so not sure if that’s gonna happen.”
“Might fly out to New York to meet Tristan and Emily when they land from their trip. They’re spending some time out there before coming back to L.A.”
Tristan and Emily were currently on a European vacation.
“I’m sure they’ll appreciate you third-wheelin’ it.”
“Well, it’s better than me showing up to surprise them in Tuscany, which I also considered.”
“I’m glad you held back on that one.”
He laughed. “I’ll let you get back to playing house with your ex and her grandmother. Call if you need me.”
“Will do, brother. Thank you for the check-in.”
When I returned to the house with the groceries, Nicole had already cleared off the counter to make space for our attempt at cooking.
For the next hour, she and I worked tirelessly but quietly together in the kitchen, splitting up the different steps to prepare the chicken and dumplings. At one point, our fingers touched as we both reached for the same item. It was the first time I’d touched her in a very long time, and even that little zap of awareness felt like torture.
Then Nicole’s phone rang, and she left the room to take the call. She clearly didn’t want me listening to her conversation, and I suspected I knew exactly who was on the line. Anger ran through me, and I nearly chopped my fucking finger off slicing a piece of chicken.
In her absence, I took over what she’d been doing, cutting out the dumplings, since I’d finished preparing the chicken on my side. But I was probably messing everything up, as I couldn’t really pay attention since she’d taken that phone call. My imagination ran wild as I mindlessly went through the motions.
When Nicole returned, she stormed over to me. “What are you doing? That’s my job.”
“Well, if you’d been paying attention instead of talking to your boyfriend, I wouldn’t have had to step in,” I said bitterly.
“You don’t know who I was talking to,” she murmured. She washed her hands before shoving herself in front of me to take over on the task.
I hadn’t thought it possible for the mood in this kitchen to get more tense than before, but it had.
When we’d finished preparations and had the meal cooking in the pot, I went to check on Mimi. She was sleeping, so I opted to take an early-evening walk for some much-needed fresh air to clear my head. It had been damn hot in that kitchen.
As I reached the sidewalk, the sun was setting on what had felt like a really long day. It seemed like just yesterday that I’d roamed the streets of this town, filled with so much hope for the future. I’d achieved all the professional success in the world, but I now knew that meant shit if your personal life was in shambles. No amount of public success can ever make you happy.
After returning from my walk, I peeked into Mimi’s room and found her awake. Dinner had to be ready by now, too.
I greeted Mimi and went into the kitchen to find Nicole, who was standing by the stove.
“I’m gonna lift her out of bed and bring her to the kitchen for dinner,” I said.
She shook her head. “You can’t do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I told you she was bedbound, I meant it. Mimi says it hurts to even sit up in a chair.”
My eyes narrowed. “She doesn’t get out of bed at all?”
“The physical therapist has tried, but Mimi can’t do it.”
That made me sad. There was a lot I didn’t understand about this situation. “Well, then we’ll bring dinner to her.”
I wracked my brain for a way to make this a nice dinner in Mimi’s bedroom. I eventually found a couple of TV trays in the corner of the living room and set them up next to her bed. Nicole brought in the pot, plates, and utensils, putting everything on trivets on top of the bureau.
“Tell me when it feels comfortable,” I told her as I moved her adjustable bed to an upright position.
“That’s fine,” she finally answered. “You have to feed me like a baby because it hurts to lean forward.” Mimi snorted. “Isn’t that nice? Funny how we end life the same way we started. Completely helpless.”
“It’s all good, Mimi.” I placed a small towel over her lap. “I’ve got you.”
Nicole prepared a plate and handed it to me. Steam from the hot chicken and sauce rose from the dish. I blew on the food for a while before slowly moving the fork toward Mimi’s mouth. “I hope this is edible.”
Mimi leaned in as best she could and took a bite. As she chewed, it felt like the longest minute of my life. I really hoped we hadn’t fucked this up.
“How is it?” Nicole asked.
Mimi spoke with her mouth full. “You didn’t happen to forget salt, did you?”
Nicole and I looked at each other.
I shut my eyes. “Shit!”
“Language, Atticus,” Mimi scolded.
I’d been in charge of the spices in the sauce, but I hadn’t been able to think straight after Nicole took that phone call. “Sorry, Mimi. I did forget the freaking salt.”
She licked the corner of her mouth. “It’s delicious, otherwise,” she said, chewing very slowly.
I wiped sweat from my forehead. “Well, I’m glad you think so.”
Nicole went to get a salt shaker, adding some salt to her grandmother’s dish.
Mimi managed to finish the entire plate, which brought me great satisfaction.
“On a scale of one to ten, how did we do?” I asked her.
She hesitated. “Seven, not using the salt against you. Take that as a compliment.”
I had no idea if she was telling the truth. “Next time I’ll strive for ten.”
We served ourselves afterward and ate our dinner at Mimi’s bedside while she ate a pre-packaged ice cream cone for dessert.
After we’d finished, Nicole and I went to the kitchen and cleaned up in silence.
“Nice going on the salt,” she teased. It was the first thing she’d said to me in a while.
“I didn’t forget. I just figured you were salty enough for both of us today.” I flashed her a wicked grin.
Rather than replying, she smiled. And it physically hurt to be on the receiving end of that. I would’ve preferred that she snap back with an insult. There was nothing more painful than her smile directed at me. And the harsh truth was, for every smile she might give me, I knew she’d shed far more tears as a result of my decisions.
For the rest of our silent clean-up time, I felt the weight of unsaid words on my back. They would likely stay there the entire two weeks. At least for my sake, I hoped so.
After there was nothing left to clean, no further distractions from each other, I turned to Nicole. “I should go put my stuff away.”
She wiped her hands on a kitchen towel. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but this house is small. There’s only one spare room. Not sure how we should handle that.”
My eyes widened as the logistics dawned on me: There wasn’t just one spare room—it only had one bed.