Chapter 34
CHAPTER 34
ATTICUS
The last song we performed each night on tour featured my drum solo. Tristan would look over at me, and I’d nod before launching into the thunderous rhythm that evolved into an explosion of beats mixed with crashes of cymbals. The crowd always went wild—talk about an ego boost.
This performance in Philly had been probably one of the best of my career. It was only the second stop of this tour, and I should’ve been totally revved up since we hadn’t had time yet to tire of traveling.
But instead, I felt empty when the show was over, no longer thrilled by the excitement I’d once felt at the start of a tour or at the end of my drum solo. It was disheartening and troubling. There was just a lot on my mind. I was still in a funk after Mimi’s passing, sad that she’d never know her great-grandchild and that I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.
Tristan caught up with me in the dressing room. “Hey, man. Freaking amazing performance tonight.”
“Thanks.” I hung my head—not exactly the reaction you should give when you’ve just been given a compliment.
“What’s up?” he asked. “Everything okay?”
“I’m pretty miserable, actually, if you want to know the truth. I miss Nicole. I feel like I should be there for her. And I don’t see an end to these absences with our music still blowing up the way it is. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate how lucky we are. But some days, I just want a normal life. And today is one of those days.”
He nodded. “You remember when I used to talk about craving a normal life and you’d tell me I was crazy? This was back when you were using our success as an escape from your problems. I think you’re finally at the point where you see where I was coming from. It’s not that we don’t appreciate success, but moving at this pace can’t continue forever.”
“I think I would’ve been fine with it if not for getting Nicole back.”
“I get it,” Tristan said. “And I’m about to ask you a serious question. I don’t want you to think I’m bullshitting you.”
“Alright…”
“You want to call off the tour?” His expression was dead serious.
My eyes went wide. “Why would you even say that? You know we can’t do that.”
“Says who? You’re forgetting I’m the boss.”
“Ronan would beg to differ. He’d also freak out if he knew you were suggesting this.”
Tristan put his hand on my shoulder. “You’ve given up everything for us. We got famous overnight, and it literally ruined your marriage. You went through hell after that, and yet you showed up every single freaking night. Every single damn show. Even I canceled a show once for a mental-health break, remember? But you have never once not shown up. Even tonight, you were amazing out there, and yet you’re telling me you’re suffocating. If you hadn’t said something, I would never know. You need a break before you break. And I’m gonna give it to you, whether you like it or not.”
I shook my head. “I can’t let you do that.”
“You don’t need to let me do anything, I’m just gonna do it.”
“I don’t need you to cancel the tour. I just need a little time to see her. Then I can come back reenergized.”
Tristan scratched his chin. “Okay. How about we cancel the next three shows due to undisclosed illness? And we’ll play it by ear after that. When you’re ready to come back, we’ll take this thing on the road again, but not a second sooner.”
“You’re serious about this?”
Tristan nodded. “Go home for a week. Be with your woman. I’ll go home and be with mine. And we’ll reconvene when you’re ready.”
It was hard to turn down the opportunity. “Thank you. I’m gonna take you up on this.”
He slapped me on the back. “I’m not gonna say anything to anyone until tomorrow, including Ronan. Everyone worked hard tonight. Let them decompress before I break it to them in the morning. I don’t need their anxiety when I just want to crash tonight myself. But get the hell out of here, and I’ll make an excuse for your absence if anyone asks.”
A huge wave of joy washed over me.
I’m gonna see my baby.
My babies.
All three of them.
***
I was able to get a flight out to New York that night. But as I stood in line at the airport, my phone lit up with a text.
Tristan: You need to get back here.
My stomach dropped.
Atticus: What’s wrong? I was just about to board.
Almost immediately after, I got a text from Nicole.
Nicole: Where are you?
Atticus: About to board a plane to New York.
Nicole: Don’t! I’m here in Philly!
I looked around.
Atticus: What? Where?
Nicole: On your bus.
What the hell?
Atticus: Stay there. I’m headed back!
My heart raced as I weaved through the airport crowd. I called a car and sweated every second of the hour-long ride back to where our tour bus was parked.
Out of breath, I rushed onto the bus to find my beautiful woman lying back on one of the seats with her feet up. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
She sat up. “I wanted to surprise you. My flight got delayed, which is why I’m here so late. I can’t believe you were gonna leave the tour.”
Caressing her cheek with my thumb, I knelt. “I couldn’t take being away from you anymore.”
“I guess we’re on the same wavelength, because that’s exactly how I felt.”
“How long are you here?”
She shrugged. “You tell me.”
I blinked. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m here for as long as you need me. Honestly, being in the salon with all the chemicals was making me sick. It’s not good for the baby. But that’s just the official excuse to do what my heart has wanted from the beginning. I want to be here with you. I’ve just been scared to go on tour. But I need to get over it.”
My heart felt ready to explode. “You’re staying on tour with me?”
“If you can make room for us.” She smiled and patted her stomach.
“You have no idea what this means to me.”
“It’s not just for you. It’s for me, too. If we’re really gonna do this, Atticus, I have to get used to this life—your life. I have to stop being afraid of it. I have to stop thinking it’s the enemy and embrace it. It’s a part of you.”
I took her face in my hands and planted a long kiss on her lips. “I promise you won’t regret being here. We’ll spend every moment together that I’m not performing.”
“You don’t have to go that far…”
“You’re gonna be so fucking sick of me!” I yelled to the back of the bus. “Hey, Tristan! I’m gonna need the bedroom for my pregnant wife.”
“Already on it. Clearing out my shit. I think you’ve finally earned it. Although if Emily comes to visit, we may need to cave and get a second bus with a bedroom.”
Ronan groaned. “Talk about feeling like the odd man out. I’d better get a woman soon so I can secure my own bedroom in the back of the bus. Apparently, you have to be a lead singer or a whipped man to avoid sleeping on the bunks.”
“When your ass gets into a real relationship, I’ll be happy to give up my room for you, too,” Tristan assured him.
“If you’ll excuse me, I need to spend some time with my wife.” I took Nicole’s hand and led her to the bedroom at the back of the bus.
She lay down on the bed. “You keep calling me your wife.”
I closed the door and locked it. “You are my wife.”
“Technically I’m not anymore.”
I crawled onto the bed and faced her. “You’re the love of my wife…” I shook my head. “I mean my life . God, I’m still so shocked you’re here… I can’t think straight and don’t know how to talk. But the bottom line is, you are my wife. You always will be. A piece of paper means shit.” I kissed her nose. “Not only can I not believe you’re here, I can’t believe you’re actually gonna see me perform in an arena for the first time.”
Nicole and I had split before my first major tour.
She got a funny look on her face.
“What?”
“I actually have seen you perform in a larger venue…”
I squinted. “What are you talking about?”
Nicole looked away. “I was never gonna admit this…” She paused. “But a couple years back, I bought a ticket to see you guys. I went to one of your shows here in Philly, actually.”
“You did?” My chest constricted. “How the hell did I not know this?”
“The seats were horrible.” She chuckled.
“Well, I certainly could’ve done better if you’d just told me.”
She shook her head. “It was a last-minute decision. We weren’t exactly talking. As sad as I was, I missed you so damn much. I just wanted to be near you for one night, to be in the same slice of the world for a couple of hours—without you knowing, of course.” Her voice shook. “I was with Julian at the time. I lied and told him I was going on a girls’ weekend with some friends. I drove to Philly by myself, stayed in a hotel, waited in line with my shitty ticket, and sat in the nosebleeds.”
“Jesus. It fucking breaks my heart that you were in the audience, and I didn’t know you were there.”
“That was the point, though. And it’s probably better that you didn’t. It would’ve affected your performance.”
“Absolutely, it would’ve. Especially back then.” I exhaled. “But I can guarantee that while you were up in the nosebleeds, I was thinking of you. Because I’ve never played a song when you haven’t crossed my mind at some point. Even when I was most hurt over us, nothing ignited the passion inside of me like you. At my best and at my worst, I play for you. Just like those days in the basement when you watching from that couch made me feel like the king of the world.”
She threaded her fingers through my hair. “Well, now you know my little secret.”
I buried my head in the crook of her neck, taking in a long, slow breath. Knowing this woman was pregnant with my baby made me absolutely feral for her.
I tugged at her shirt. “Can you take this off? I want to see you.”
She slipped the shirt over her head. Tossing it aside, she unsnapped her bra, displaying her gorgeous breasts. Her nipples were three shades darker than the last time I’d seen them.
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. “These nipples…”
“I know. They’re huge and darker.”
“I love it.” I circled my fingers over one of them before tracing the line on the skin of her stomach. “Look at you with this baby inside of you. I’ve never seen you so beautiful, and I still can’t believe this is real. I’ll never deserve this.” I ran my tongue along her nipple, then kissed down to her stomach. “This is why I needed to leave the tour. Look at everything I was missing.”
“Well, now you don’t have to leave.” She massaged my scalp.
I looked up at her. “What changed? I know it wasn’t just the chemicals in the salon…”
Nicole sat up on her elbows. “I’m fortunate that I have a job I can always go back to, clients who have stuck with me through the years. It hit me that I’ll never get this time with you again. I have no way of knowing whether this is the only pregnancy I’ll have. We’re not guaranteed anything in life. I just felt like I needed to come. Wanted to. And that means putting aside my fears about tour life.” She grinned. “I never imagined you were on your way to me.”
I rested my head on her chest and placed my hand on her stomach.
“Oh my God.” She jumped.
“What?” I lifted my head, afraid I’d hurt her.
“I think I felt our baby move.”
“Really?”
“It’s too early for you to see it move, I think. But I definitely felt something.”
“Our kid is happy we’re finally together, maybe?”
She giggled. “He just did it again. Your baby likes to kick.”
I rubbed my hand over her skin. “Maybe he’s drumming…”