Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Dorian slept terribly. It did not come as a surprise.
Most obviously, it was thoughts of Penelope that plagued him, paired with how stupid he felt in what he had done and how he had behaved.
All Dorian had to do, the only thing, was admit to her that he had been wrong from the beginning.
To stop using his sister as an excuse and tell Penelope that although their marriage had started as one that neither of them wished to pursue, he now realized that things had changed and that if he was given a chance, that there would be more here than either had thought possible.
He didn’t do that.
What he did was try to find a middle ground. Putting the blame on her as much as himself. Citing his own confusion as if that was still some sort of excuse. Ignoring how he felt and how she knew he felt about him because he was terrified of what admitting his feelings would mean.
I never wanted this marriage. And to admit that now I might would be to admit that this stage of my life is ending… that Barbara might not need me anymore… that my entire life until now has been for nothing.
By the time the sun rose on the second day of the weekend, Dorian was just about ready to call the whole thing off. And he might have done so, was it not for a knock at his door.
His heart skipped a beat, excitement felt because he thought it might be Penelope come to see him.
“One moment!” he called as he rushed through his room, throwing a robe over himself and trying to flatten out his hair. “Just give me…” He rushed for the door and threw it open, at which point his heart sunk.
“Your Grace…” It was Nicholas Wood, looking as nervous as ever.
“Nicholas.” Dorian blinked through his weariness. “What is it…” He peered past the young lordling. “Is your father…”
“No, this has nothing to do with my father,” Nicholas said, speaking into his chest. He was so darn awkward he couldn’t even look Dorian in the eyes. “It is… I was hoping… a private word, if it pleases you, Your Grace?”
Dorian sighed, his mood well and truly disheveled.
“Might it wait until breakfast?” A morning breakfast had been organized, of course, to be taken in the ballroom where there was enough space to seat all the guests.
A quick peak toward the window and Dorian guessed half of them were likely there already.
“I was hoping to speak with you before breakfast, Your Grace.”
“Concerning?”
Nicholas began to fidget with his hands, his eyes looking everywhere but directly at Dorian. “I wished to say, last evening, I… I rather enjoyed… the chance to dance with your sister… I was grateful and thoroughly enjoyed… she is a pearl beyond… a true beauty and…”
“If you don’t mind, can you please get to it,” Dorian groaned and rubbed his eyes. “You have caught me at a rather inappropriate moment.”
“Sorry, Your Grace.” Nicholas took a few short breaths. “Your—your sister has enraptured me, and I have come here to ask permission to pursue her in courtship.”
“You have?’ Dorian blinked.
“If it pleases you, Your Grace.”
Times were that Dorian would have felt relieved by the young lord’s words.
After all, was that not the entire point of this weekend?
A desperation felt to find his sister a suitor so that she could heal and move on, possibly find happiness because she deserved nothing less. Oh, how times had changed.
Dorian thought to say yes to Nicholas, his mouth opening to speak those very words.
But he hesitated, thinking now about his sister and what she might want.
Well, he knew what she would tell him what she wanted – to be left alone.
Beyond that, he could not stop himself from wondering what she really wanted.
If Nicholas had what it took to make her happy.
Funny that he’d never thought this way before. He’d never considered such a thing. But his recent failings with Penelope had forced him to consider marriage and love and all that went with it from a different angle. That of the woman and how she might view such things.
As well as all of that, there was something else stopping him.
It niggled in the back of his mind, the emptiness felt when he looked ahead and pictured his life with Barbara in it. For years now, his entire purpose had been to watch over her, and what would he do with himself when that purpose came to an end.
The truth was, such a thought as that terrified him.
“Let me speak to her,” he said with a soft smile to ease the lord’s worry. “I do not want to put words in my sister’s mouth. So, I shall ask her personally and I am sure that as you feel this way about her, she will feel the same for you.”
Nicholas beamed, the stress seeping from him. “Thank you, Your Grace. I would appreciate it more than you know.”
“As I am sure will she.”
Dorian was quick to ready himself after that, skipping his bath, throwing on some clothes, and rushing through the house to his sister’s bedroom. The home was already a hive of activity, and he could hear his guests getting ready and making their way to the ballroom.
He ignored it all, finding himself at Barbara’s door on which he knocked and then gently pushed the door open.
“Barbara…” He stepped inside. “Are you decent?”
She was still in bed. Not sleeping, but one look at his younger sister and he knew well enough why she was struggling to pull herself from the comfort of her bedding.
“I told you not to drink,” he said with a soft chuckle as he approached the bed. “And now you know why.”
She groaned and pulled the covers overs her ashen face. “I only had a few glasses of wine…” Another painfilled moan.
“And a few more than that, I am sure.”
She shoved the blankets down and scowled at him. “Is that why you are here? To mock me?”
“As much fun as I am having with it, that is not the only reason.” He was sitting on the end of her bed and he made sure to be looking right at her, the humor gone from his expression, the seriousness shown in his eyes because this was a most serious topic.
“I just had a young visitor come and see me.”
“Do I need to guess who?” Barbara’s skin was pasty and her eyes glassy. “I don’t have it in my right now, Dorian.”
“It was Nicholas Wood,” he said, noting the way that she flinched. “As he tells it, he had a fine time meeting you yesterday and he was hoping that I might give him permission to court you.”
Again, Barbara groaned. “And what did you tell him?”
“What do you think I told him?”
“Dorian, why do you pretend to come here and ask my opinion…” She shifted in the bed, her lips curling and her stomach grumbling. “When you know already the answer you are going to give.”
“Is that what you think?”
“It’s what I know,” she said. “This entire weekend…” She grimaced as she forced herself to sit up.
“I told you I did not want it, but you did it anyway. And yesterday, I told you I did not want to spend it speaking with random men who want me only because of who my brother is, but you made me do it anyway. So why would I think that now you have suddenly changed your ways.” She forced herself to meet his eyes, her brow furrowed, her stare angry. “You told him yes, didn’t you.”
Dorian was not surprised by his sister’s response. But he wasn’t ready to let her out of it that easily.
“What did you think of him? Tell me honestly.”
She sighed and fell back in bed. “He was nice enough – but that is where the positives come to an end. There was nothing wrong with him, Dorian, not in a typical sense. But… I didn’t feel anything when I was with him.”
“Such as?”
“You must know what I mean!” she cried. “I didn’t feel… you know. That feeling.”
“You will need to be clearer.”
“I did not like him,” she said sharply. “Not in a way that makes me want to be courted by him. To marry him! Not that it matters. Not that you care…” Then, in an act that broke Dorian’s heart, she turned her back on him.
Dorian watched his sister for a moment.
Again, was this just last week, he wouldn’t have cared about her objections.
At the very least, he would have told her that she was being immature and silly, that rarely did women marry for love, and that such a thing might be found if it was worked on.
Honestly, love was the last reason a person should marry.
Only now, with all that had happened, and Dorian could not bring himself to do as he knew he must.
“I understand.” He reached forward and rested his hand on her back. “And I will tell young Nicholas the same.”
Barbara sat up and turned around. “What?”
Dorian smiled. “You do not wish to be pursued by him, then I will not force it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?”
He laughed. “Barbara…” Then he shuffled closer to her, putting an arm around his little sister. “Do you know why I hosted this party?”
“Yes, because you want me to meet –”
“I want you to understand that meeting a man who you might one day call a husband isn’t the death stroke you seem to think it is. I wanted you out of this room, being social, enjoying yourself for a damn change. And as far as I have seen so far, it has been a resounding success.”
She was looking at him as if she did not know him. “Truly? You… you will not force me…”
“I still expect you to be social this weekend,” he told her. “And there are others here whom I expect you to speak with – and to do so with an open mind.” He raised an eyebrow at her in warning. “But all I want for you is to be happy, Barbara. And I really do hope that you know this.”
“I do, Dorian.” She wrapped her arms around him. “I do.”
Dorian held his sister close, feeling… was it relief? He did not want to admit it, but that she had turned down Nicholas meant that for now at least she was still his to protect. That he still had that purpose for living.
It was wrong of him, he knew. And if he really did love Barbara, he would have forced her to at least consider Nicholas – to give him a chance.
But Dorian was struggling with who he was and what he wanted, the changes that were taking place in his life, and if this one thing remaining as it was for a while longer… is that really such a bad thing?
Proof that it was a bad thing found him not five minutes later.
He arrived at the ballroom to find most of his guests already seated and enjoying their breakfast. He stayed back as he watched them, noting how many of them were husband and wife. Most of these pairings sat together as they ate, spoke with smiles on their faces, and looked happy.
Dorian watched them from the doorway, his mood starting to plummet.
How many of these marriages had started because they were forced to do so, and not because they wanted it?
How many of those wives had assumed their lives to be over, only to find happiness and even love because they had persisted and given their marriage a chance?
If he was to guess, he would say that most of them were that way. And his sister… she would likely be the same, once she was convinced to take a husband of her own.
And it is not just her. But my own marriage, a most wretched thing that never stood a chance. But not because we tried and found it unfeasible; rather, because we didn’t.
His stomach sunk with regret… knotted with shame… turned with guilt because Dorian was a hypocrite of the highest order. He thought he was doing the right thing by his sister. But was he? And how could he say otherwise if he was not willing to do the same?
He wanted Barbara to be happy. But he knew too that he was scared to lose her, and that once he did he would lose himself. Just as he had lost Penelope…
“You look rather glum.” Joseph came in behind him. “Is it for the same reason as me?” He laughed and rested his hand on Dorian’s shoulder. “Too much whiskey had, and not nearly enough sleep to follow.”
“I just came from speaking with my sister,” Dorian said sullenly.
“Oh? And where is the woman of the hour?”
“It was concerning Nicholas Wood,” Dorian sighed. “He asked permission to court her…”
“That’s wonderful!” Jospeh cried, only to catch the look of shame on Dorian’s face. “And yet that morose expression tells a different story.”
“She said she was not interested and I…” He grimaced. “I agreed with her. I even told her that she was not expected to meet anyone unless she wanted it, feeding into the notion that she needed to fall in love before she made her choice.”
Joseph pulled back. “You… why on earth would you do that?”
“Honestly? I am not sure.”
“Well, that’s a lie,” he scoffed. “Dorian, you know I care for you. Just as you know how much I respect you for what you have done for your sister these last few years. But as I told you when you returned here, you do her a disservice.”
“I remember the conversation…”
“Do you? Looking after her as you have done is one thing, but she is not a little girl anymore. And you won’t be around forever to protect her – nor should you be.
You might think that letting her choose is the right thing, but she will not thank you for it.
And all you are doing is holding her back. ”
Dorian grimaced. “I… I just want her to be happy, Jospeh. Is that such a bad thing?”
“No, what you want is for you to be happy. Or to pretend that you are.” He dropped his hand and shook his head. “If Barbara does find a mate, she will leave here, and you’ll have nobody in your life – and do not dare mention your wife.”
Dorian looked at his friend, trying his best to be dismissive, knowing he likely looked like a broken mess. “I wasn’t going to. Penelope and I…” He sighed and his shoulders slumped. “That was never going to work.”
“Hard to make something work when you don’t even try in the first place.” Joseph did not wait for a response, walking into the ballroom without looking back.
And Dorian was left there to watch, alone, no one to talk to, to share in his misery, to tell him that he had done the right thing and had nothing to fear. It was a mode of being he was all too used to be now, and would continue to be for the rest of his life.
One day soon, Barbara would leave him. Then he would have nothing. And the one person who might have been able to save him from that fate had made her intentions all too clear, caused by how own indecision and stubbornness.
I only have myself to blame. But that is a theme in my life, for better or worse. In this case, worse. Much, much worse.