Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Dorian was not in his bedchamber when Penelope arrived, but for that she as grateful. She did not think that she had ever felt so nervous, so finding it empty gave her time to compose and think through what she meant to do.
Not that more time will make a difference. What I need… are answers. Is it worth me waiting and giving Dorian a chance to decide what he wants and how he feels, or is this marriage doomed to failure?
She sat herself on his bed, facing his closed door, and waited.
Her heart pounded beyond reason. Her legs were shaking – her entire body, in fact. Oh, how she wanted to run to her room and forget this endeavor, refusing that call because this here was a last resort and if she did not follow through then she might spent the rest of her life wondering.
Finally, after what felt like hours, she heard his footsteps down the hallway.
Her breath caught in her throat and her body lurched as if her heart was trying to flee when those same steps paused outside the door.
Seconds passed… she calmed her breathing the best that she could…
and finally the door opened and in stepped Dorian.
He saw her sitting there and balked. “Penelope? What are you –”
“We need to talk,” she cut him off and stood quickly. “Please, before you say anything or… or send me away. You and I…” A smile was forced, needing him to see that this was not an ambush. “We need to talk.”
“About what?” He stood back, the door still open behind him.
“What do you think?” she laughed softly. “About us.”
Dorian considered her and each second that he did stretched to an age. Brow furrowed, biting into his lower lip, she would not have been surprised if he agreed or sent her away.
But she did not back down. She did not look away. She held him in her stare, one that was honest and desperate and open.
“As you say.” Dorian turned and closed the door and Penelope sighed with relief. “Let us talk.”
He remained standing with his back to the door. Arms folded. A flat expression. He held Penelope in it, no sense that he meant to go first. Not that this was surprising.
“I want to apologize,” she began. “How I spoke to you last night – what I accused you of. I know that you are not pursuing Henrietta, just as I know you never would. The reason that I said that was…” She bit into her lower lip, anxiety growing.
“I was jealous, if you believe that. Jealous, and eager to shift the blame onto you because I thought it made what I had decided that much easier.”
“Leaving, you mean,” he said simply.
She nodded. “It was a decision not come to lightly, but one I felt I had to justify. And when I saw you and Henrietta talking, I…” She shook her head at how foolish she had been. “I thought that was enough. Proof that I had made the right choice. Better that I was able to blame you for it.”
“I have no designs on Henrietta, Penelope. Surely, you understand –”
“I do,” she spoke over him quickly. “Which is why I started this with an apology. In that I was wrong and I need you to know it.” She looked hopefully at him, praying he might pick up where she had left off.
“Is that all?” he said, eyebrow cocked.
She winced. “Not even a little. What we really need to talk of is us… namely, what I told you I planned on doing. How once this weekend is over, I plan on leaving and never coming back. And the child you promised me, that I no longer wished for it.”
His brow tightened. “And this is… you have changed your mind?”
“Not yet,” she said. “I came here to… to find out if I should.”
She let that sit between them. Dorian was working so hard to appear distant and even uninterested. As if he cared less for what she said, likely thinking this to be some sort of trapped.
Penelope remained assertive, taking a step forward, and then another. Despite Dorian’s removed stance, she could see behind his eyes a glimmer of curiosity. Maybe even hope.
I know him well enough by now to see through the shell. Funny that, admitting how I am starting to understand the man who has worked so hard to make sure I know nothing about him.
“Two nights ago when I came to you,” Penelope started.
“I told you that… how I had come to realize what having a child represented. How I have felt empty and alone, without purpose, and that a child might… that it might…” She smiled softly.
“How it might fill that hole inside of me. And that I wondered if maybe there was something else that could do that instead.”
Dorian shifted awkwardly and looked away. “Penelope, I can’t tell you if I –”
“I did not come here to ask for you to commit to me,” she spoke over him. As she did, she took another step closer. “I do not expect you to…” She laughed. “To get on your knees and promise that you will fall in love with me – I do not even know if I want that.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I want to know if I am wasting my time,” she pressed, another step closer so that she and Dorian were less than five feet apart.
“That is all I want. I know how confused you likely are. That you, as I am, don’t know what you want…
” She shook her head again but made sure to smile as she did.
“We are the same like that. But because we are the same, I know too that you can see that this… that us. That things have changed.”
Another step forward. With each one taken, she kept her eyes fixed on Dorian, refusing to allow him to look away. And it was because she did, that she saw him slowly coming around, the shell fading, the fight inside of his lessening.
He wants this, as do I. I know he does.
“Tell me I am not wasting my time,” she pressed on him. “You do not have to commit anything. You do not have to… I don’t expect anything beyond words. Confirmation that if I stay here after this weekend is over, it won’t be for nothing. That you want more. Or that you think you might.”
“And…” He hesitated. “And the child? What of that?”
“Were you not listening,” she laughed. “The child is a symptom, not the cure. And as I have struggled with what I want from this life, I know you are the same.”
“My sister,” he said as if on instinct. “She –”
“Will not be around forever,” Penelope said. “And when she leaves you, what will you do next? I know you have thought about it. I know how much that scares you. But Dorian, it doesn’t have to. We are married and there is no reason that can’t be what gives us both purpose.”
“Are you sure of that?” he said again, no fight to his words.
“You tell me.” She took a final step closer, a foot between them. And then, she reached forward and took his hands. “Am I wasting my time? Should I go or should I stay? Whatever you say, I will do it. I just need to hear you say it, Dorian. For me… and for you.”
It was such a simple question. One that shouldn’t have taken nearly so long for her to ask.
But to look at Dorian’s face, she might have been asking Dorian to reveal his greatest fear. His most hidden secret. Asked to give an answer of such gravity that the world could end was he to get it wrong.
Penelope said nothing. She kept a hold of his hands, held his eyes, made him see that she was there for him and that whatever he said, whichever way this went, she wouldn’t hold it against him. All she wanted was the truth.
“I…” He swallowed. “I don’t know what I want.” His voice was soft. “But I do know that I don’t… I don’t want you to…” He hesitated further, the struggle inside of him was real. “Can I think about it?”
“Think about what?”
“What I want,” he said. His expression grew determined, and she could see him trying to work through his own thoughts. “This weekend is still some way from ending, which gives us time. I cannot say what I want, but I do know what I don’t want.”
“And what is that?”
“I don’t want you to leave hating me.” He laughed awkwardly. “These last few years, not seeing one another. I had convinced myself it was the only way to go about things, only now I am not so sure.”
“I still do not understand.”
“You will,” he said earnestly. “As soon as I do – let me think on it tonight, so that tomorrow I will have an answer.”
It wasn’t what Penelope wanted to hear…. But it was better than nothing. Not a complete rejection of her feelings, but a promise to consider them properly for the first time. In a way, it was almost a victory.
“Tomorrow,” she said, smiling softly.
“I will come to you,” he said, smiling back. “How I wish I could give you an answer now. Only…”
“It is not that simple,” she laughed.
He laughed with her. “It almost never is.”
They looked fondly at one another, a sense that finally they were heading toward the same path. Would that path lead in the same direction? Or would it divert once they walked it? Time would tell, she supposed.
“And as for the child…” His brow furrowed tight and that question appeared to bring him the most worry. “If I… if my answer is not what you wish to hear…”
“I cannot say,” she said, meaning it. Although she knew a child would not solve all her problems, that did not mean she never wanted one. And if it turned out that she and Dorian could not work, perhaps then a child would be her final salvation.
“I will give you one if you need,” he told her seriously. “This weekend, you have done all that you promised and more. If it comes to that, then I will…” He squeezed her hands. “Whatever you need.”
He is trying so hard to do the right thing, and for that, now needs to be enough.
Now would have been a perfect time to leave. With her piece said, with a new agreement reached, best to get out before anything might ruin it. And yet… it feels as if there is still one thing missing.
They were still holding hands. Still looking into each other's eyes. The tension that surrounded them was gone. And with that sorted through, it felt as if their minds were going to the same place.
Despite the confusion, she had no doubt of what Dorian wanted. It was just a matter of if he was able to admit it to himself. And perhaps this right here would clear that confusion for him…
Penelope’s eyes flicked to Dorian’s lips.
Dorian’s eyes did the same. His hands squeezed that little bit tighter.
Penelope stepped as close as she dared. Looking up next, their eyes locked and held.
A silent understanding reaching. And then, with nothing else for it, Penelope leaned up, Dorian leaned forward, and their lips came together for just the third time in a most overdue kiss.
The moment their lips touched, Penelope knew that she’d made the right decision. There was nothing awkward about the kiss. No sense that what she felt was misguided or doomed to failure. It was, on every sense, perfect.
Soft and subtle. She felt the kiss not just on her lips but through her chest and across her entire body. They held hands as their lips locked. Tongues gently prying apart lips and dancing together. Limbs tingling, legs shaking, her stomach fluttering.
And to make that kiss even better, Dorian didn’t pull away.
In fact, it was Penelope who did. They kissed for several long minutes that could have gone on forever.
But as the kiss started to grow in passion and intensity, Penelope somehow found the strength to pull herself free.
This was, after all, only meant to be a symbol of what was to come and she didn’t want to take it too far.
A deep sigh of relief as their lips parted and she opened her eyes to find Dorian smiling at her.
“You’re still here,” she said with a soft chuckle.
He laughed. “It looks that way.”
“And isn’t this better? Ending a kiss with laughter, and not by slamming a door in my face.”
“How long are you going to hold that against me?”
“Oh, at least until the end of the weekend. And that’s only if I’m in a good mood.”
They laughed together for a moment, letting it die naturally between them.
“I guess I should…” Penelope began, half leaning back.
“Tomorrow,” he said, still smiling. Only, it wasn’t quite so reserved, as if his decision was already reached. Surely that kiss was enough to tell him what he wanted?
“Find me,” she said.
“I will” He gave her hands a final squeeze and let them go.
“You better,” she said. Another smile shared.
Penelope had not gotten the answer that she wanted.
But it felt to her that she was moving in the right direction.
Tomorrow, she was certain the duke would come to her, that he would tell her he was ready to try and make this marriage work, and all the struggle and pain felt across this weekend would be a thing of the past.
Penelope left after that. Her cheeks were flushed red and she could not keep herself from smiling as she bowed her head and scurried from the room, not wanting to look back at Dorian because she didn’t want him to see how pleased she was. As if that might embarrass her.
She was quick through the door, shutting it behind her, and when she did she collapsed back into it. Her heart swelled inside her chest and her entire body was shaking. And all she could think about was that perhaps, just once, she was looking forward to tomorrow.