Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
The estate looked different to how Penelope remembered it. Bigger, somehow. Emptier, and hollower. She watched it grow in size as her carriage slowly cantered along the road and then turned onto the winding drive, the pit in her stomach opening more and more with each passing second.
There was a time not so long ago when she loved her life, as she had her home.
Despite living alone and having no one to care for or to care for her, she had made a life here and had convinced herself it was enough.
Now, she couldn’t imagine how she was supposed to spend the rest of that same life here. Trapped. Alone. Nothing to live for…
It was early in the evening by the time the carriage came to a stop at the front of the manor. Dark clouds blotted out the setting sun, matching the gloom of the day to her mood perfectly.
The staff were waiting for her, and she forced a smile as she stepped from the carriage…
“Your Grace!” one of her maids greeted as they hurried toward her. “It is so good to have you back.”
“Thank you,” she said, the smile fading. “It is good to be back.”
The maid beamed and looked about to say something else when her eyes narrowed and cast themselves back down the driveway. Brow furrowing, she bit into her lip with a clear sense of concern. “I am sorry, Your Grace. I did not know that guests were expected.”
“Guests?”
“We would have made the spare room, and had the kitchen –”
“There is no guest,” Penelope spoke over her. “Just me.”
“Then who is that?” The maid pointed past her and Penelope turned to follow her raised finger.
It took her a moment to see what the maid was referring to. Darkness sat heavy on the horizon, thick clouds sinking into the earth as if they were one. But through it all, squinting now, Penelope was just about to make out the outline of a rider…
Her eyes widened when she realized who it was.
“No…” she gasped, her heart leaping through her chest, the misery abating, the dim flicker of hope starting to fight back the sadness that for days had weighed her down. “It can’t be…”
It was. It could only be! Dorian, riding atop his horse, pushing it hard as if he was racing against the night, and Penelope dared not let her hopes rise too high, wondering if he was here because Albina had told him of the annulment and he wished to finalize it quickly.
But there is no way that’s the case. He would not have come so quickly. Which can only mean…
“Leave us,” she told the maid. “All of you, please.”
“Your Grace, are you certain?”
“Yes,” she said, doing her best to keep her smile hidden. “I will be in shortly.”
The maid offered a short bow and then scurried to where the rest of the staff were waiting, quickly beckoning them inside. And it was just as they vanished through the front door that Dorian moved through the gate, his sights set firmly on where Penelope stood waiting.
Her heart was racing so quickly that it hurt her.
Her insides were squirming so it was all she could do to stand still.
That same smile threatened to break across her face, but she forced it back, lips pressed firm, her expression unreadable because she did not want to give anything away. Which she felt she did quite a good job of, standing by the carriage, hands folded before her, watching as Dorian approached.
He pulled his horse to a trot as he came near. And unlike Penelope, he was not so quick to hide the look on his face which told her exactly how he felt and the reason he was here.
“Penelope…” he started, pulling the horse up by her carriage.
“Dorian.”
“Going somewhere?” he indicated to her carriage.
“On the contrary, I just arrived home.”
“Ah, yes…” His smile grew. “I had wondered how close I would be behind you. Your cousin wasn’t very clear on your travel plans.”
“Oh…” Her stomach flipped. “You… you spoke with Albina?”
“Earlier today,” he said. Then he lifted his leg around the horse and jumped to the ground. “In truth, I was surprised to find her at my home. More surprised by the reason.”
“And that is why you are here?”
“It is.”
He walked in front of his horse but stopped short of where she was standing. Five feet between them but it felt like miles, not to be crossed until permission was given.
Although Penelope suspected the reason he had come, she still did not allow excitement to take her. This was Dorian, after all, and miscommunication was a common theme in their marriage. Not to mention decisions changed without warning, on a whim it had always felt like.
Do not get ahead of yourself. Not until you know….
“You wish for an annulment of our marriage?” Dorian started. “Is this true?”
“It is…” She hesitated to admit it. “I felt that it was best.”
“Why do you think that?” he asked her. “Why now? Why not three years ago?”
“Because three years ago I did not know what the future held for us. Three years ago, I was left to wonder if… you or I… if either of us might ever want something more.”
“And that has changed, has it?”
“After this past weekend, it has.” A smile tugged at her lips because she could see the smile behind his eyes.
The sadness they always wore was gone, and he looked hopeful, despite the conversation.
“We tried, Dorian. Or we meant to. But…” She sighed and shook her head.
“You made it perfectly clear that this marriage had no future, and I was happy to agree with you. Why pretend otherwise?”
Her words should have been cutting. Even if Dorian had come here to confirm his desire to annul their marriage, there should have been a reaction on his face that appeared hurt… wounded… even resigned because she knew that despite everything he cared for her. At least more than he once did.
Rather, a smirk reached his lips. “And you still feel that way? This marriage, that it has no future…”
“Do you?”
“I asked you first.”
She pressed her lips together. “Why are you here, Dorian? Tell me the truth.”
“I think you know.”
“I wouldn’t presume to guess.” She folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at him.
And still, that smirk he had been wearing since he rode through the front gate grew. This time, he paired it with a step in her direction.
“I rode all afternoon to be here,” he started. “As soon as Albina told me what you wanted, I jumped on my horse and pushed it harder than it has ever been pushed. I nearly ran the poor thing into the ground, just so I would get here as quickly as I could.”
“That isn’t an answer.”
“What I hope it is,” he continued, another step closer. “Is proof that for once I am not running – or maybe I am. Only this time, I am running in the right direction.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “And… and what direction is that?”
“Toward what I want,” he said. “Rather than what I think I do.”
“I don’t –”
“You must know that I never wished to marry,” he cut her off as he took another step closer.
Three feet away now, and it was all Penelope could do not to go to him.
“My sister, the belief that she needed me, and the only way I could protect her was by being with her always. For these past few years, she has been my life, and I refused to accept that there was room for anything other than her.”
“And that has changed, has it?”
“That included my own happiness,” he continued, ignoring her question. “In truth, I didn’t think I could ever be happy. That I even deserved it. That foolish notion that if my sister was happy, that would be enough for me. I was wrong to think that way.”
Penelope felt her body trembling as excitement began to take her. “For now,” she said. “But that might change.”
“It won’t,” he assured her. He met her eyes and held them, refusing to look away. “And I know this for fact because I have done everything in my power to make it so. I wanted my life to revolve around her, terrified of what would happen when it no longer did. But I’m not scared anymore.”
“And Barbara…”
“She is not what she was, even last week. Funny that all this time I only wanted her to be happy, and she wanted the same for me. She gave me her blessing to…” He chuckled and shook his head. “To finally be happy.”
“And what is happiness? What does that mean?”
“It means you, Penelope…” His smile grew and he took the final step toward her.
“It means that I’m ready to stop running and admit what I want.
To put my own needs first because only once I do that can I move on – all my life, all I’ve wanted is a purpose.
But that purpose…” He laughed softly. “It has been staring me in the face, and I’ve just been too stupid to see it. ” And then, he reached for her hands.
And for a moment, Penelope let him take them.
She felt his hands wrap around her and the sensation swept through her body and touched at her heart. This was what she had wanted all this time. For Dorian to finally admit what he wanted, how he felt about her, that he was willing to take a chance.
And I want it too. The same need for a purpose in life, one that was right here, waiting for me, if only I was brave enough to accept it.
But then reality hit her.
Dorian admitting how he felt was one thing, but that wasn’t the reason that she left. Even had he told her last week how he felt, she still would have turned him down. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to…
“No!” She snatched her hands away. “Dorian, I can’t…” Then she turned, shame taking her.
“What do you mean?” Dorian reached for her again, hesitating when he saw her cower back. “Penelope, is this not… I thought you wanted… to try… for me to --”
“I do,” she spoke over him. “I mean… I did. You know that all I want is for something in my life to give it meaning. If not a child, a marriage worth living for. But Dorian…” She forced herself to look at him, tears welling in her eyes. “It is not that simple. Not anymore.”
“But it is.”
“No,” she said. “It is not. I wish it was. Dammit, how I do. But Barbara…”
“I told you, she gave me her blessing. She wants me to be with you.”