8. Chapter 8
Chapter 8
R osina gasped at James’ question. He seemed genuinely interested in knowing about Ry, even though she rarely spoke of him in that way to others. But after all he had shared with her and the pain he had endured from grieving his parents and supporting his brothers, she wanted to share that part of herself with him, even if she wasn’t certain she should.
“What do you wish to know?”
“How did you meet?” He glanced at her for a moment before they turned a corner to walk down another street.
“Ry, Ryan, was my older brother’s best friend. He lived a couple of estates away from us and I used to tag along with them everywhere they went. I was the annoying girl who wouldn’t leave them alone, and then we became much more to each other.”
“He must have loved you very much to forgo university and marry you so young.”
She smiled, recalling the memory of the first time Ry had told her he loved her. “He did. We were…intimate before our marriage and had always intended to wed.” She jerked her chin towards James, worried she might have overshared and would see a sour expression on his face, but all she saw was contemplation. It did something to her insides, and she did her best to control her breathing.
“What happened to him?” James asked softly.
“He developed an illness that made him quite sick. It started out with fainting spells, nausea, and pain in his stomach. It progressed over several months until he succumbed to the illness. The doctors said there was no cure for what he had.” It was the first time she had spoken of Ry’s illness without bursting into tears. After hearing what James went through with his parents, she believed if anyone might understand the pain of watching someone you love slip away right in front of you, it was him.
James turned his chin to catch her gaze. “I’m very sorry you lost him, Rosina.”
Tears formed at the corners of her eyes from the sincerity in his tone. There was much more to the man at her side than she had realized before. He’d had her in every position imaginable, speaking wicked words the night before, and then could genuinely offer remorse for her losing her first love. No. Just her love. First would indicate she might have another.
“Thank you, James,” she whispered, hoping no one was near enough to hear her refer to a duke by his given name. “I’m sorry you lost your parents and all you had planned for your future.”
“I can’t dwell on the past. I can only think about the future and be the man my brothers need me to be to guide them.”
She thought about how they came to be in each other’s sphere and how the duke had been a virgin before he pursued her.
“Is that why you never…before we…?” she asked, her voice trailing off.
He nodded. “I have been present for my brothers every day until they left for school. I was there for every meal and every report from their tutors. I worked with our estate managers and cared for my brothers. Once the incident occurred, I knew I must set an example for them,” he said before glancing at her again and smirking. “At least for as long as I could.”
“I don’t believe your brothers shall be made aware of your lost virtue, Your Grace,” she teased. “At least not from me.”
“Who knows what mischievous things they have learnt from the other boys at school,” he said, releasing a deep sigh. “I just wish I might hear something soon.”
“You will make an amazing father one day,” she said, but then regretted it as soon as she said it. Why was she thinking of the man as a father? The thought of him settling down and marrying another faceless lady gnawed at her more than she cared to admit.
He stopped and faced her. “Do you think I might make a passable husband one day as well?”
Yes, very much. “I suppose your wife shall be satisfied, Your Grace,” she teased him. The woman he married would be more than satisfied, indeed, and she didn’t care to imagine such an ending, since it would never be her. She didn’t even wish for it to be her. Rosina knew she had already given her heart to Ry, and she couldn’t stomach the idea of giving her heart another or again going through the pain she had with Ry.
James stared at her, tilting his head so that he gazed at her lips. “That’s good to know, my lady,” he whispered.
As much as her mind told her to back away, her body betrayed her and swayed closer to him. Licking her bottom lip, she tilted her chin up, pushing aside the thoughts of warning that told her to back away.
A carriage passed by, and Rosina quickly stepped back, remembering they were standing in the middle of a village street. It wouldn’t do for anyone to have caught them as they were. It was one thing to suspect they may have an arrangement. It was another matter entirely if anyone were to witness and confirm the notion.
“I should like to look at the quills at the stand, Your Grace,” she said, not meeting his eye and urging them to continue walking.
The rest of their time in the village was spent engaging in light conversation. Rosina kept them closer to other guests from the party so they might not be tempted to act in such a brazen manner again. The duke selected a couple of gifts for his brothers while they explored more of the shops, seemingly forgetting what had almost occurred between them.
After dinner that evening, Rosina mingled with some of the other guests. She had spent so much time in the duke’s presence that it was better for both of them to be seen interacting with others. At least that was what she told herself. Even if she spoke with others, her body was acutely aware of his presence at all times.
Each time he laughed or she heard his voice, she glanced over to see who he was speaking with. Once, when she caught his gaze, he winked at her, and her heart flipped. She wouldn’t have been bothered if her skin merely heated or she had to clinch her thighs together at the sight of him, which she also did, but the way his presence touched her heart was another matter of concern.
Rosina did her best to pay attention during the game of charades until she could politely retire for the evening. Once she was in her chamber, Molly helped to ready her for bed. Or at least for activities that might or might not take place in a bed.
“Something troubling you, my lady?” Molly asked, brushing Rosina’s hair.
“It’s nothing,” Rosina replied, a bit more clipped than she should have.
“I believe we both know that isn’t true,” Molly replied, biting back a bit of annoyance. “Is it His Grace? Did he do something to offend you, my lady?” The concern was evident in her tone.
Rosina shook her head, and Molly placed her head back in the position she wanted it in to continue brushing.
“He has done nothing wrong,” Rosina said, her words almost a sigh.
Molly watched her in the mirror from where she stood behind Rosina, no longer brushing her hair. Tilting her head, she assessed Rosina. Her eyes widening, Molly gasped. “You have feelings for him.”
“Of course not.”
“Hmmm.” Molly resumed brushing Rosina’s hair.
Molly’s reaction frustrated Rosina to no end. “And what is that supposed to mean?” she asked, not bothering to hide her annoyance.
“Nothing at all,” Molly said, waving her off. “Do you wish for your hair to be fixed in a plait or left down?”
“Leave it down.” She was certain that Molly hadn’t said all that she truly thought, but Rosina also wasn’t certain she wished to hear her maid’s opinions. She knew her own mind. At least she believed she did. She certainly had before she arrived at the dratted house party.
Molly departed and left Rosina alone as she waited for James. She wasn’t certain how long it would be before he arrived, given that many of the guests were still awake and moving about the house.
She lay across her bed, resting her head on her pillow and staring at the canopy that covered the bed. She didn’t have feelings for the duke. Molly was mistaken.
Closing her eyes, she recalled Ry’s face and the way he would grin at her. Slowly, his face morphed into James’, and she fought to make the image return to her Ry’s. Tears fell down her cheeks, and she grabbed a pillow to hug against her. Softly crying, she drifted off to sleep.
Lying in her bed, the morning sky was light outside the window as dawn approached. Rosina turned to face away from the window and there was something heavy across her waist. The scent of sandalwood overwhelmed her senses. James. She blinked her eyes open, and the very man was beside her, asleep in her bed with his arm draped over her.
Somehow, he was even more handsome with his face relaxed in a state of deep sleep. When had he entered her chamber? She was still in her night rail and robe, while he had removed his coats and shirt but donned his breeches.
Unable to resist, she ran her hand along his chest, then pushed back the hair that had fallen across his forehead.
He blinked open his eyes and just grinned at her.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came to see you and you looked too peaceful to awaken.”
She sighed. “But what are you doing here? Why were you asleep in my bed?”
“I wished to hold you while you slept,” he said as if it were the most reasonable thing in the world. “I have never done so with anyone.”
She wouldn’t allow herself to admit that it felt good to be in his arms that way, or that she had slept more peacefully than she had in a long time.
Before she could attempt to protest, he leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on her lips. She closed her eyes, the electricity from his lips overtaking her senses. He deepened the kiss, and she leaned into him, sweeping her tongue into his mouth. She kissed him with fervent need until something nagged at her and caused her to pull back.
“This isn’t part of our arrangement,” she said with a breathy tone as she fought to regain control over herself.
“But it could be. Do you mean to tell me you don’t sense what has been growing between us?”
She sensed it, but she didn’t wish to admit it. “James,” she whispered, a pained edge to her tone.
“Rose, please,” he said.
Her eyes flung open, and she scrambled from the bed. “Never call me that,” she ground out, wrapping her arms around herself. As much as she willed them away, tears streamed down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean…I don’t understand…”
“Just go,” she said, giving him her back. “Go now.” Her shoulders shook as she fought the sobs.
“Rosina,” he said from behind her. “I care about you. I know I promised I wouldn’t—”
She couldn’t hear anymore. “Please leave. I don’t wish to speak to you.”
“But—” he started before she cut him off.
“Your Grace, I have asked you to leave.” Her words came out between sobs. She couldn’t bear to face him or see what reaction he had to her outburst. Her shoulders shook, and she fought to calm herself.
She heard the fumbling of clothing, and several moments later, the door opened and closed. Rosina glanced over her shoulder to confirm he had left and then threw herself on the bed, muffling her guttural sobs into her pillow.
Allowing herself to have feelings for James, let alone loving him, would be a betrayal to Ry, no matter what Ry had said. She couldn’t have feelings for the man. Rosina shook and hugged the pillow tighter. She feared she already had allowed the duke in more than she should have, and the only thing she could do was push aside anything she might feel…forever.