Chapter 20
“Idon’t understand why you’re still doing this,” Jonathan said.
Gabriel had shown both Jonathan and Nathaniel into the library, but all he could seem to think about was Agnes.
This was the place she had just been standing, looking at him with awe and gratitude.
The two of them had been so close to one another while she was here.
For a moment, he had contemplated touching her cheek.
He had even wondered what might happen if he tried to kiss her.
It hadn’t seemed unfathomable, given the fact that she had been on the verge of accepting his proposal.
Whatever she might say about it now, he was sure she had considered it. She’d really thought she might do it.
I must have been crazy to put her to the choice in such a real way! What if she had said yes? I would have needed to follow through, of course. In that scenario, I couldn’t just laugh it off and tell her that I didn’t mean it after all. I could never do that.
He drew a breath and released it slowly, doing his best to focus on his friends.
The fact of the matter was that she had said no.
He could never have offered her a halfhearted proposal.
What she had longed for was the real thing, and he was glad he had given it to her, and he was glad she’d had the experience she’d wanted—the chance to turn it down.
He understood the appeal of knowing that you were in control of the direction of your life.
“I’m doing it because I don’t want the ladies of the ton to try to convince me to court them,” he explained. “You do know why I’m doing it, Jonathan.”
Jonathan shook his head. “It just doesn’t hold water, my friend.”
“Jonathan is right,” Nathaniel spoke up.
“That might have made sense at the beginning, Gabriel, but how long has it been since anyone has tried to seek a match with you? People know now that they won’t be able to win your interest. It’s been established.
And yet you continue the ruse. Why don’t you put a stop to it? ”
“If I did that,” Gabriel said patiently, “they would all come rushing back. They would come to the conclusion that I was available once more, and they would return to seeking my attention.”
“But what can possibly be your goal?” Jonathan asked. “Do you mean to continue on this ridiculous path forever? Is it your intention to spend the remainder of your life engaged in farce? Because from what I can see you have left yourself no way out of it all.”
“There’s assuredly going to be talk when the courtship ends,” Gabriel said. “But that would be true if I ended it now or if I did so later.”
“That’s the point Jonathan is making,” Nathaniel said, leaning forward.
“You’re setting yourself up for trouble either way.
But you might as well put an end to things.
Get through that moment. You wouldn’t have to take her all around town anymore, as you have been.
You could return to your life. After all, you’re doing all this because you don’t want a courtship, and as things stand, a courtship is exactly what you have. ”
“Not exactly,” Gabriel said. “This isn’t a real courtship. You realize that.”
But he was uncomfortable.
Things were more real between himself and Agnes than he could possibly have admitted to his friends. This afternoon’s proposal was all the proof one needed of that fact. They might well have ended up engaged today if things had gone slightly differently.
I knew we wouldn’t. I knew that. She might have had a moment of hesitation, but I always knew she was going to tell me no.
But was that true? Had he really known that?
Had he been certain?
He shook off the thought. Of course, he had been. He wouldn’t have asked her to marry him if he had believed she would accept. He had been trying to give her a genuine experience, that was all—and what was happening now in their courtship was no different.
He tried to explain it to his friends. “It wouldn’t seem real if I just ended things with her right here and now,” he explained. “It would be obvious that I had done the whole thing for show. I don’t want that. I want people who are paying attention to us to think that it mattered.”
“You shouldn’t want that,” Jonathan countered.
“Or rather, I don’t see why you do. I don’t see why you want to worry about what they think.
The point is what they do, not what their opinions are, and as long as they stay away from you after this, does it matter whether they believed in your story or not?
Let them avoid you because they believe you aren’t reliable.
Let them avoid you because they don’t want the stain of courting a man who was rejected by a known spinster.
They’ll find their reasons. This courtship is going to reduce your prospects, you know.
You’re right that the more desperate among the ton will probably come rushing back to you as if they’d never left.
But this is going to have a lasting impact on the people you might have previously considered to be prospects.
I don’t think you’ll see them rushing back in such great numbers as you might imagine. ”
“Well, all I can say to that is that I hope you’re right,” Gabriel said. “I would be nothing but happy if this proved to be the end of everyone’s ambitions to secure a match with me, because you know full well that isn’t what I want.”
“I do,” Jonathan said. “I’m trying to tell you that I think it’s been achieved and that you can stop.”
“Unless there’s some other reason you’re allowing the courtship to go on,” Nathaniel put in.
“Some other reason like what?” Gabriel asked, frowning. There was no way his friends had seen through to what was really on his mind—they couldn’t have. They couldn’t know that he dreaded the day he and Agnes would finally have to part ways.
“Some other reason like you enjoy being in a courtship more than you thought you would,” Jonathan said. “Some reason like maybe you’re takin her seriously, even though you didn’t intend to do that.”
“I’m not taking this seriously.”
“And yet, you won’t end it.”
Gabriel scowled. He’d been more than clear with them that he was only doing this for the effect it would have on his social life, that he wasn’t interested in anything more. And especially not anything with Agnes.
He liked her. He enjoyed her company. That was as far as it went.
You sound mad. You don’t even believe the lies you’re telling yourself.
You proposed marriage today. You were willing to take the risk that she might accept that proposal.
And now you sit here and tell yourself that anyone who believes you genuinely want a relationship with Agnes is missing the truth of the matter.
What would these two be saying right now if they knew about that proposal?
“I don’t have to end this just to prove something to the two of you,” he told his friends. “I have nothing to prove.”
“It’s not about proving anything to us,” Nathaniel said.
“Speak for yourself,” Jonathan countered. “I would like to see him prove it.”
“But he doesn’t have to. He’s right about that,” Nathaniel said. “What difference does it make if he’s fallen in love with her or not—except that, as his friends, we would like him to be aware of his own feelings? We would like him to know. That’s all it is, from where I sit.”
“I haven’t fallen in love!” Gabriel insisted. “The fact that you two keep pressing this point is ridiculous.”
“All right,” Nathaniel said. “So maybe we’re wrong.”
“Assuredly you’re wrong.”
“And maybe you’ll end your courtship with her at any moment, and we’ll look like the fools for believing you wouldn’t do it.”
“Yes, you will.”
Nathaniel nodded. “Very well. I will wait to feel foolish, in that case. But I have to tell you, Gabriel—right now, I don’t feel foolish at all.
I think that Jonathan and I have the right of it, and that you’re unwilling to put an end to your courtship because you feel something you didn’t mean to.
Something you never thought you would. You shouldn’t be embarrassed about it.
You should accept it. It might even be a good thing, if you’re willing to allow it to be. ”
Gabriel shook his head and got to his feet. “I know what’s happening here,” he said. “You two would just love to see me proven wrong about my intentions when it comes to matters of romance and marriage. You never get the opportunity to see me proven wrong about anything, and you’d like to see it.”
“I can admit to that,” Nathaniel laughed. “It would be wonderful indeed to see you have to say that you had been wrong. That you had misjudged a situation. And particularly a situation like this one, where being wrong would do you no harm and might actually prove a great boon to your life.”
“You’re assuming quite a lot.”
“I’m not assuming anything! You don’t think it would be nice for you if you had fallen in love?
” Nathaniel asked. “All right, maybe you haven’t.
Maybe I’m wrong about that part. But if you had, would that be such a dreadful fate for me to wish for a friend?
I think you could have worse outcomes in your life than to find love, especially with such a charming and lovely person as Lady Agnes. She really is a gem.”
She was. He couldn’t fight back about that. “I don’t wish to discuss this any further,” he said firmly.
“Well, that’s no surprise,” Jonathan said.
“Is this really the reason you two came over? To admonish me about my courtship?”
“Not to admonish,” Nathaniel said. “Merely to ask. And I see that you don’t want to discuss it, so we’ll let it go for now.
But I hope you consider some of the things we’ve said, Gabriel.
I hope you consider the reasons you’re holding on to this courtship beyond the point where it does you any good.
Neither of us can see what you’re getting out of it anymore, but we know you are not a foolish man.
You must be getting something. If there’s one thing I would say to you, it’s this—find out why it is you’re so determined to stay with her, even if it’s a temporary reason.
You owe yourself a real answer to that question. ”
And with that, he seemed willing to finally drop the subject.
Gabriel gritted his teeth. His friends were making this more difficult than he’d dreamed they would, back in the beginning, when he had first confessed to them what he was doing with Agnes and why.
She was right. I should never have let them know that this courtship was a sham in the first place.
At least if they believed it was real—if they believed I thought it was real—they wouldn’t be so ardently trying to convince me of that fact, and I wouldn’t be stuck defending myself about it the way I seem to be now.
But the past couldn’t be rewritten. He had told them the truth.
The only thing to do now was to see things through to the end with Agnes, just as they’d planned.
When it was all over, his friends would know. They would have to admit they had been wrong.