Chapter 28
“Gabriel?” the call came from somewhere inside the manor.
It echoed softly, suggesting that its maker was far away. In reality, it might have been one room over and still Gabriel would have hardly registered it. Such was his state of mind.
“Gabriel? Where are you, man?” Again, the call rang out, and again Gabriel hardly paid it any notice.
He stood in the music room, his attention fixed on the pianoforte. The lid was closed. Dust sat on its frame. And while the morning sun shone through the window and throughout the room, it somehow managed to avoid the pianoforte entirely, as if a magic barrier was keeping it at bay.
This had the effect of isolating the pianoforte, casting it in darkness, providing it with a sense of foreboding and distance that Gabriel felt in the pit of his soul.
It was the first time that he’d entered this room since Sophia left him.
Done on purpose, because he figured it was best not to remind himself of his wife until her memory left him completely.
But five days later and still he could not stop thinking about her, and he knew now that he likely never would.
I have made a terrible mistake, the type that is easy enough to fix, was I not such a coward. A shame really, as that is exactly what I am.
A smile touched his lips as he pictured Sophia sitting at the pianoforte, playing it with her eyes closed, humming to the melody that she adapted and made up as she went.
When he had first met her, she was so precise with how she played, so damn careful to play the music as written.
Scared, he had always thought, to give herself over to the music and let herself go.
By the time that she left him, she was a different woman entirely. She became one with the music, opening her heart, letting the melody and music flow from somewhere deep inside of her. She had wanted freedom and nowhere was it given more than when she played.
Despite himself, Gabriel closed his eyes, and he could hear her playing as if she was there. The silent music filled him completely, expanding his heart so it might burst, wrapping him like a thick blanket in the middle of winter. He missed his wife… dammit, how he missed her.
“There you are.” A hand landed on his shoulder and Gabriel started. “Did you not hear me calling you?”
Alexander Sommerton had come from nowhere. Likely, one of the staff let him in, and it was just as likely that they warned him that Gabriel might not be himself. They had avoided Gabriel this last week, which he could not blame them for.
“Oh… Sommerton.” Gabriel shook his head to clear it, spared a final look of longing for the pianoforte, and turned from the room. “I wondered who that was.”
“Lucky I was not committed to burglary,” Sommerton joked. “I might have made off with half the manor before you realized what was going on.”
“Probably,” Gabriel sighed.
Sommerton leaned back and frowned at his best friend. “Ah, so it’s even worse than I thought. What a tragedy.”
“Worse than you thought… what are you talking about?”
“What do you think?” Sommerton said. “I have heard what happened between you and Sophia. Or rather, I guessed what happened.”
“What? How do you know that?” Gabriel demanded. He hadn’t told anyone what had occurred between himself and Sophia, and he was certain that she wasn’t going around the ton telling people.
“My unparalleled detective skills, is how,” Sommerton said. Gabriel’s frown deepened and Sommerton looked at him flatly. “Your walk with Lady Clarissa Harwood earlier this week. You were seen, Gabriel, and considering how subtle you were not being, well…” He shrugged. “People are talking.”
“They are?” Gabriel’s stomach twisted with guilt.
“Rumors, mostly,” Sommerton confirmed. “Nothing substantial. But I know you, so I put the pieces together and figured that something had happened. Why do you think I am here?”
“To annoy me, I assumed.”
“To see how you are getting on.” Sommerton rested his hand on Gabriel’s shoulder and squeezed it. “I know what you wanted me to believe about your marriage, but you forget how well I know you, man. So, tell me, how are things?”
In the moment, with how he was feeling, Gabriel very nearly told Sommerton everything. That he had feelings for Sophia. That he was too much of a coward to admit them to her. That he would rather be alone and miserable than take a chance on love for the first time in his life.
The words were right there…
He hesitated to speak them. Looking into his friend’s kind eyes, Gabriel felt a surge of embarrassment. Still, he could not say out loud how he felt, and still he felt a need to lie about who he was as if that was something to be proud of.
I really am broken…
“I am fine,” he said with a shrug. “Better than fine, in fact.”
“Is that right?” Sommerton did not sound as if he believed it.
“As you know, I married Sophia for an express purpose. That purpose was achieved, and we both decided that because of this, there was no point to continue with a circumstance that neither of us wished for in the first place.” He shrugged again, this time with enough force to dislodge Sommerton’s hand.
“I am perfectly happy, as is Sophia, I am sure.”
Sommerton eyed him skeptically. “I am glad to hear it.”
“You know me…” Gabriel chuckled weakly. “I never was one for married life, Sommerton. It’s the bachelor life for me, always, and quite honestly, I am thrilled to return to it. I’ve…” He swallowed. “I have missed it.”
“What of Lady Clarissa? Are you two…”
“What?” His eyes widened. “Gosh, no. She is just a friend.”
“That is good to hear.” Sommerton clapped his hands together. “And truly, I had hoped that would be the case. I have missed you, old friend. You remember the trouble we used to get up to.” He laughed and winked with joy.
“It has been too long.”
“Just what I wanted you to say.” He flashed his eyes at Gabriel. “I assume that you are free? The single life, as is your calling, means that you can do what you wish, when you wish it, yes?”
“I can…”
“Wonderful.” He clapped Gabriel on the shoulder again.
“I met some young women just yesterday, true beauties the likes of which you have never seen. I told them I would meet them today in London for a drink, and I promised to bring friends.” He grinned wickedly.
“Shall we go to them? See if we can’t have some fun like old times. ”
“Fun?” A lump appeared in Gabriel’s throat again and he tried to swallow it, but the way his stomach rose made that difficult.
“Yes, fun,” he confirmed. “Two bachelors, a couple of single women, some drinks…” He looked suggestively at Gabriel. “I can’t help but think that you need it most.”
“That sounds… that is… right now?”
“Better now than never at all.”
Was this a few months ago, Gabriel would not have hesitated to say yes to Sommerton’s offer.
In fact, was this a few months ago, it would have been Gabriel coming to Sommerton with such terms as these.
Drinking. Philandering. Debauchery. These were synonymous with Gabriel’s name and reputation, and he rather liked that about himself.
Now… nothing could interest me less.
It wasn’t because he was tired. It wasn’t because he was not in the mood. It was because when he thought of doing as Sommerton suggested, Gabriel felt sickened to his core. Dammit, he felt guilty!
He had no desire to meet other women, and he shuddered to think of what Sophia would say was she to hear about it.
He couldn’t tell Sommerton this. If he did, his friend would know the truth, and that would be the end of Gabriel’s reputation. So, he searched for an excuse, reaching deep inside of himself to retrieve anything he might say to turn Sommerton away without him growing suspicious.
“I would love to, Sommerton…” Think! What can I say? “And was it another day, you know I would be the first one out the door. But you have… today is… I had planned on…” He stammered through his excuse.
“Gabriel…” Sommerton looked flatly at his friend. “Did you really think I would not see it?”
“See what?”
“You and Sophia. Did you truly think that me, your best friend, would not know the truth? That you could lie to me?”
“I don’t know what you are saying.” Gabriel looked away as if in shame.
“You care for her, Gabriel. In fact, a part of me thinks that you might love her.”
“That’s a lie!”
Sommerton laughed. “And that is an extreme overreaction to an obvious observation. Gabriel…” His face softened, almost with pity. “It is not so wrong to care for someone. And it is certainly not so wrong to fall in love –”
“I am not in love.” He sputtered laughter. “I… I… Sophia and I, our marriage, it was for convenience.”
“And that clearly changed.”
“It did not.”
“It did,” Sommerton said rightly. “You may lie to me. You may lie to Sophia. But do not lie to yourself, old friend. Remember, I have spent my life watching you, seeing what excites, what upsets, what changes you…” He raised a knowing eyebrow.
“And since you married your dear wife, there have been many changes indeed.”
“No…” Gabriel took a step back and shook his head. “You are wrong, Sommerton. I might… I do care for Sophia. But as a friend only. And the two of us no longer being together is for the best.”
“Do you really believe that?”
He hesitated, for just long enough so that his answer rang as false. “I do.”
“As you say.” Sommerton exhaled deeply and smiled in a way that did not reach his eyes, because those still reflected his pity. “Shall we, then? The girls await. And as you have not changed, as you do not love Sophia, there should be no reason that you cannot join me.”
Gabriel knew what his friend was doing. It was so obvious, so damn clear, that Gabriel might have laughed at the absurdity, did it not strike him in such a way that felt as if something loose inside his head was rattled and knocked into place finally.
The world suddenly became clear.
The doubt that had existed inside of Gabriel all week, the fear, the indecision… it faded like mist in sunlight. In that moment, there was nothing less that Gabriel wanted to do than go with Sommerton, and nothing more that he wanted to do than be with his wife.
He turned so that he found the pianoforte once more.
This time, the sun which shone through the room found the pianoforte, illuminating it so that the instrument seemed to glow bright.
Again, he heard his wife’s music in his mind’s eyes and this time he smiled as if he could see her sitting there and playing.
How could I have been so wrong? How could I have been so foolish? All this time, the answer was right there in front of me… I just couldn’t see it.
“You know what,” Gabriel said with a huge sigh. “No, I don’t think I will go with you today, Sommerton. Nothing could bring me less joy than that.”
“Oh?” Sommerton did not sound at all surprised. “And what will you do instead?”
“My wife,” Gabriel said. “I… I think it is time that I go to her. Yes…” His smile grew. “It is time that I get my wife back.”
Gabriel had changed much these past few weeks, and only now was he willing to admit it. It was a change that excited him, one through which he saw a future that he no longer feared. In fact, he wanted that future, he wanted those changes, and he wanted his wife by his side to experience them with.
He just had to hope that he wasn’t too late. He just had to hope that his wife loved him as he now knew that he loved her. He just had to hope…