Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
The carriage ride home was just as awkward as the one to the event, possibly even more so. While the ride to the event had been tense and heavy, because Arabella knew Caspian was trying to ignore her, the ride home carried a different kind of burden.
She sat across from Caspian, who watched her the entire trip.
It was dark in the carriage, such that she could not make out his face at all.
But his eyes stayed on her, like a predator in the night, almost warning her from looking away.
She felt that stare in her chest, so her body was flushed.
She felt trapped by it, almost scared to imagine what might happen if she did turn from him.
Something has changed… A realization made by Caspian, one he is fighting against with all the strength he has.
Arabella had spent so long now, determined to believe that she wanted nothing to do with Caspian. It felt like the right course to take, the only way that she might truly be free. But as he watched her, as she sensed his thoughts, she could not help but wonder if she had been wrong.
The dream she had… The moment on their wedding night… Was it so bad to be controlled? Was it really such a bad thing to want to be told what to do? In that moment, with how she felt, she was not so sure.
What she did know, however, was that whatever battle her husband fought against, she hoped that he would lose it.
With that realization, the warmth inside of her exploded so that it was all she could do to sit still and let him stare.
The carriage finally arrived at the estate, by which time Arabella was trembling with anticipation. It came to a grinding halt; she made sure to meet her husband’s glower in the dark because she wanted him to see what was on her mind. Dammit, she had stopped pretending!
Only then did Caspian throw open the carriage door, climb out, and storm toward the manor.
Arabella started in surprise as she watched him go. The tension in the carriage vanished, left her shivering, and Arabella gaped because she had no idea what had just happened.
Surely that is not it? This cannot be where the night ends?
Were this the old Arabella, she might have left it there.
But this last week had seen her change significantly.
She was no longer meek and willing to be told what to do.
She was no longer the type to simply bow her head and follow along.
She was a duchess, had control over her own life, and was not about to sit back and do nothing.
To let the moment pass when she wanted it so badly.
Yes, there was an irony, she realized. That while she was so determined to be in control of her life, she also wanted Caspian to control her. But such dualities mattered little, so she pushed that thought to the back of her mind and hurried from the carriage.
By the time she entered the manor, Caspian was already halfway across the foyer.
“Where are you going?” she called after him.
He stopped at the staircase and did not turn around. “To bed, Arabella. Tonight… was a mistake.”
“What was a mistake?” She hurried toward him.
“All of it,” he said, his voice dark and low. “We should not have attended. We should not have… pretended, as we did. And I ought to have controlled myself better.”
“No,” she said as she came in behind him. She thought to touch him on the shoulders, but resisted that urge. “You did exactly as you should have done. Lord Carlisle overstepped, and you… You helped me, Caspian.”
He flinched at the comment. “You did not need saving.”
“I did,” she said. “And it was not the first time.”
“Do you even want such a thing? Is that not the entire point? I have seen how you have grown into yourself here, Arabella. You are not the subservient daughter whom I married, nor are you someone who needs me to save her. You are better off alone.”
“And what if I do not want to be alone? Did you think of that?”
He still did not look at her, but she could sense the conflict raging within. “We had an agreement, one that you demanded. Tonight I overstepped, but it will not happen again. I promise you.”
“You did not overstep, Caspian. You did as any husband would—”
“I am not your husband,” he hissed, and she flinched. “Not like that, not such that I ought to care. It is easier that way, Arabella. Please, just… be glad that we have nothing to do with one another. It is for the best.” With those words said, he started up the steps.
She watched him go, desperate to make him stop.
Arabella knew now that Caspian wanted her, that there was a part of him that wanted this marriage and all that went with it.
But he was so determined to deny that side of himself, even scared of what it might mean.
She did not know the reason, but she knew how to make him change his mind.
Or rather, she knew how to unlock that side that he fought against so furiously.
“I…” Her voice cracked. “I did not give you permission to walk away.”
Caspian was halfway up the stairs when he stopped. Her words struck him, seeming to grab him by the back of the neck so that his hackles stood on end. She felt the fire burn from him, the anger rise, and she held her breath…
“What did you say?” he growled.
She swallowed. “I said, I did not give you permission to walk away. Something happened tonight, Caspian, and I want to know what. You did not step in to save me because of appearances. You did it because you wanted to. Because you… Because you care.”
“I… That is not true.”
She scoffed. “It is true. You care, and you hate that you do. Now, come back and speak to me about it.”
“No,” he said darkly.
“Yes,” she fired back. “Now.”
“You…” He took a deep breath. “You do not tell me what to do, Arabella.”
“That is exactly what I am doing,” she said bravely, even as her body trembled with anticipation. “And I would like to know, what are you going to do about it?”
Her dream was not real, but that did not mean it was not born from truth. She had seen it the night of their wedding, when he had come to her. Caspian liked control… He liked to be in charge, and he hated being told what to do.
And while he no doubt wanted to forget about her, to pretend that he had that ability, she knew that the chance to control her, to remind her of her place…
That was one thing he could not resist. Was it born from a need to protect?
Was it a result of having no control over other facets of his life?
Or was it merely him, something he could not change, a part of himself that he had no control over?
Really, with how Arabella felt, she did not care. She just wanted it.
“What am I going to do about it…” He groaned. “I… You are testing me, Arabella. Why?”
“Am I?” she said. “Or am I just doing as you told me to do? Taking control of my life. Which is more than I can say of you. In fact, I have changed my mind. Go to bed. Yes, that is what I want you to do.”
He did not speak at first. Still not facing her, his shoulders were hunched, his body was shaking, and she could literally see him fighting within himself.
Then he let out a soft moan, and she felt the atmosphere in the foyer shift. When he turned to look at her, Arabella wondered for a brief moment if she had made a terrible mistake.
“Oh…”
He swept down the stairs as he came for her. She took a step back, but she moved too slowly. A second later, and he was on her, one hand taking her arm, the other wrapping the small of her back. He pulled her into him, locking her in place as he stared down at her.
And all the while, she felt him shake, as she heard his breathing rattle.
“I tried so hard,” he said, his voice low and deep. As he spoke, his eyes roamed her, focusing on her neck and then her lips. “To avoid you, to keep my distance. Why could you not let me have that?”
“I thought I wanted you to,” she said, half pulling away, thrilled when he clung to her. “But what if… What if I was wrong?”
“What do you want, Arabella? You say one thing, you do another…” He licked his lips as he squeezed her. “No more lies. No more mistruths. Tell me now.”
What did she want? So many things.
For so long too, Arabella believed that she would never have them. She was convinced she would always be owned, knowing that when she married, it would be to a man she did not want, whom she would never like, and who would only see her as property and someone to control.
For that reason, she was not one who had desired to fall in love. She had never considered the possibility of a happy marriage. To be free… a simple dream, but it was one she clung to.
She had that now, in a way. But what was freedom if you had nobody to share it with? What was a life where you could do whatever you wanted, if there was nobody to do it with? Was Caspian that person? Could she have it all, if he wanted the same thing?
Truly, she did not know. And while she might have liked to think about it, to wonder if she was making a terrible mistake, it was the way that Caspian held her that pushed those doubts to the side. It was the way that his eyes devoured her that made them irrelevant.
Tomorrow, she might stop and consider what she was about to say. But tonight? Right now? She was free to make her own decisions, and that was what she intended to do.
“What do I want?” she said, holding his hungry eyes. “You, Caspian. I want you.”
“And if I say no?”
“I will not let you.”
He groaned, and his grip on her tightened. “What did I tell you about telling me what to do?”
“I have always been a slower learner,” she breathed. “Perhaps you should let me go and walk away? Teach me a lesson.”
“Again, telling me what to do.”
She flashed her eyes daringly. “What are you going to do about it?”
That was it. With those final words spoken, she knew that she had him. Caspian had spent the entire evening fighting an internal battle, but as she held his gaze, she saw him finally lose it. And when he did…
Without another word, Caspian let go of her arm, took her chin, and pressed her face to his lips in a fiery kiss filled with hunger, desire, and lust.
The kiss exploded across Arabella’s body. It swept through her like a hurricane so that she nearly pulled away. But Caspian held her to him, opening her mouth with his lips, and then diving into her mouth with his tongue.
The kiss was ravenous. It was possessive. It was a kiss that told Arabella that Caspian had wanted this for some time. He did not hold back or go gently at it. He ravished her with his lips and his tongue as if it were his last night on earth.
Her hands were suddenly at his waist, refusing to give him the chance to pull away. He dropped her chin, his hands took her waist also, and he squeezed so tight that she nearly yelped. Groans of pleasure escaped his lips. Growls and snarls as if he were an animal.
Suddenly, one hand snatched at the front of her gown. She gasped and tried to pull her face back, but he followed her.
“You wanted this,” he growled between each kiss. “You did this.”
“I…” She tried to speak, but so hungry was his kiss that she did not have the chance.
As they kissed, his hand raised her gown and quickly slid under it.
Her heart raced as she realized what he was doing.
She could not breathe. She could hardly focus on the kisses that were never-ending.
And all the while, his hand beneath her dress journeyed further, deeper, until she felt his fingers brush between her thighs.
“Oh!” she yelped, again pulled back. “Caspian, what are you—”
His spare hand took her by the back of the head. He held her steadily so that he could look at her. In his eyes, she saw his desire, his want, his lack of control. He licked his lips as he held her still, daring her to pull away.
“You are mine,” he growled as his fingers brushed between her thighs again. “Say it.”
“I…” Her voice cracked.
“Say it,” he demanded.
“I am yours,” she said, letting it out, just as his fingers pressed against the opening between her thighs.
There they stood at the base of the steps, entwined in a truly barbaric way.
Caspian latched onto her neck, kissing it wetly and fiercely.
His fingers, beneath her dress, started to press and stroke her opening.
Arabella shut her eyes and moaned as waves of pleasure rushed up her body, and she gave herself to her husband as she never thought that she would.
Soon, she felt two fingers slip inside of her.
She moaned… Her breath caught, her body seized, and then she relaxed as those fingers slipped in deeper and started to curl. They stroked her walls, each time sending an eruption through her. She clenched her jaw, spread her legs a little wider, and did not dare to move.
Caspian continued to kiss her neck. He continued to curl his fingers. He took complete and total control in a way that Arabella could not help but love.
“Oh… Caspian… There…” She found herself saying as his fingers worked her. Slowly, at first, but their pace quickened as her breathing increased. “Do not…”
“Do not tell me what to do,” he warned her, pulling away to say it, then kissing down her neck again. “You are mine.”
“I am.”
“You will obey me,” he said.
“Always,” she moaned. “Because I… I… I am your wife.”
She thought they were the right words to say. She thought he would want to hear them. Was that not the point? Was that not what this was all about? However, as soon as those words left her lips, she felt an immediate change.
Caspian stopped stroking her, just as he stopped kissing her neck.
He stiffened awkwardly, then slowly pulled away. And when he looked at her that time, it was not with lust or hunger or temptation. Rather, it was as if something had come over him, a sudden realization of the moment that sent fear spiking through his very being.
“What?” she asked in panic. “What happened?”
“I…” He released her head, the fear still in his eyes. “I should not have…” He took a step back. “This was a mistake.”
“What? No!” she cried. “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing…” He turned away as if in shame, and a coldness washed over Arabella’s body. “You did nothing, Arabella. I was the one who… I should have… I am sorry.” He shook his head. “This was a mistake.”
With those final words, Caspian turned fully and stormed up the stairs, leaving Arabella where she stood. She watched him go, frozen and confused, unable to call out after him because she had no idea what to say.
For a few glorious moments, all had seemed right and perfect. The gap between them was finally bridged, and they had a chance to take a step forward together for the first time. And now… I wish I knew.
Just like that, Arabella was transported back to her first night in the manor. Confused. Alone. Unsure of what she had done, while sensing that the way forward was going to be a long and lonely one. Caspian, it seemed, would make sure of it.