Chapter 19
P ortia’s heart sank. It seemed Rufus had not come home.
She had hoped that her cousins might help him, that her family might bring him to his senses so that he could see…
She swallowed back her sorrow, struggling not to succumb to it as she wound her way through the quiet house. Perhaps it would take more time. Perhaps it would take forever, but she couldn’t give up on him. On them.
Slowly, she was bringing this house to life. And she would not let some horrible old man who had died ruin her life, her family’s life. Rufus’s life.
A tear slipped down her cheek, and she carried on walking down the long hall to her chambers.
It had been quite the day. She’d gone out with her uncle to the East End, just as she had told her husband she would. And she had watched the children perform scenes from The Comedy of Errors . Now, she was tired. It had been a particularly long day after doing all that Rufus had asked as well.
But she was proud of herself. She was capable and accomplished. Wherever she went, she seemed to spread happiness rather than take it away. And in her mind, that was the triumph of a truly successful person. No matter what Rufus thought, even with all his limitations that kept his heart from freedom, that was the sort of person that she would be.
She slipped into her chamber with a weary sigh. Her middle was beginning to swell ever so slightly. Exhaustion was creeping through her, and soon she would need to visit her mother and see a doctor to confirm her suspicions.
The fire was crackling away, and she was rather glad. Though it was warm outside, she felt chilled. Chilled by the coldness of the house, the loneliness of it. She had a long fight ahead of her.
“Portia.”
She tensed and turned. “Rufus!” she exclaimed. “You were so quiet.”
He was sitting on her bed, his legs stretched out, his arms relaxed, as if he had been waiting a long time.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Waiting for you.”
“Oh!” Her heart leapt and she tried to tell it not to hope. Who knew why he was waiting. “I see. Have you been waiting long?”
He was silent for a long moment, then he sat up fully and locked gazes with her. “I think I have been waiting my whole life,” he said softly.
Her heart hammered against her ribs and her hope only grew, even as she tried to prepare for the worst. “What do you mean?”
“I have been waiting for you my whole life, Portia,” he whispered. “When I saw you in the park that day, I knew it. I had to have you. I had to make you mine. And so I shoved everything aside. I somehow ignored everything that I had been taught as a boy…to claim you.” His face creased with sorrow. “And once I had you, I couldn’t keep that force going. So, I let it go and returned to who I had been for so long, the person your cousins warned you about, not who I actually am, not who I have always wanted to be. But you could see, couldn’t you? You could always see who I truly was.”
She nodded and took a step towards him.
“You called your family to help me,” he murmured, his gaze full of emotion.
She nodded. “That’s what we do. We help each other. We would not let any of us be left behind or in pain, you see? And so, I knew what I had to do after I understood how you were suffering. I knew that perhaps I couldn’t make you see, but maybe they could.”
“I never really had a father,” he confessed as his voice filled with emotion. “But now I have your family. My father was tortured by his own father, and I was tortured by mine, but that is going to stop with me.”
“And with our children,” she said softly. Her hand going to her middle.
“What?” he gasped. “Do you mean—?”
“I know we have been married but a short time, but I think for certain that—”
“Oh, Portia!” he exclaimed, his face transforming with joy.
She nodded. “I have only just recently been suspicious. I could be mistaken, but I think that we will have proof very soon.”
He climbed off the bed and crossed to her in a few short strides. “You must have been so distressed thinking that I was isolating you.”
“I was distressed,” she admitted. “But it is not I who have been isolated, Rufus. You were isolating yourself. I always knew that I would have my father and my mother and my cousins, my grandmother, Estella, all of them. But you did not have that. The only person you’ve had is Margery, and you’ve had to take care of her. No one was taking care of you . But now you know, don’t you?”
He nodded. “Yes, I know.”
“Can you tell me more about what happened?”
“When I was a boy,” he said softly, holding her close as if now that he had her, he was afraid to let her go, “I wanted friends and to be happy. I took a chance one day to try. There was a group of village boys flying kites, and I dared to join them, even though I knew that I wasn’t supposed to. It did not end well.”
It did not end well.
Such simple words, and yet the raw emotion in his voice was harrowing.
She winced, her heart aching.
For a moment, his eyes shone with unshed tears. “It was one of the worst days of my life,” he rasped. “I dared to try to touch happiness, to have friends, but it was ripped away from me brutally. And not only was it ripped away from me, but my father punished those boys and their families too for daring to be kind to me.”
She lifted her hands to his face, cradling it. “And so, all this time, you’ve kept anyone from getting close to you. Anyone who was not of the same rank, anyone at all.”
He nodded, his face softening at her gentle touch. “So, today, when you asked me to go to the East End to see the children and interact with them, it had nothing to do with the fact that I think of them as less than me—”
“You were protecting the little boy inside you,” she said softly.
He sucked in a sharp breath. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. That little boy was punished so often, and I wish I could go back and take care of him.”
“Well, from now on,” she said gently, her own heart pounding with the desire to protect her husband from all the pain he had known, “I will take care of you. My family will take care of you.”
“And I will take care of you,” he returned, sweeping her up into his arms. “I love you, Portia.”
“And I love you,” she breathed, all of her hope suddenly being rewarded.
“I did not even know what love truly was until now. Not like this.” He stilled and lowered her feet back to the floor, keeping her close. “I did not know that I’d be able to feel it. But love is the only thing that this feeling inside me can be. This feeling has grown and grown since the day I saw you. And your family? They have helped me to free that love by showing me that I don’t have to keep myself alone. That my father cannot hurt me now. How do I thank you?”
She gazed up into his eyes, slipping her hands to his shoulders. “By being yourself, my love. By never isolating yourself again, no matter how hard. And if you feel it coming, if you feel that little boy inside you, who was beaten and treated so cruelly, grow fearful again, you call for me. You reach out, and you allow yourself to be surrounded by my love and the love of your family.”
He smiled then. “It’s a love that our children shall know.”
She nodded. “Our children will have an abundance of love.”
“I didn’t have it,” he said, a tear slipping down his cheek. “But they will. They all will.”
Her heart soared as she witnessed his understanding of his new life transform him. “You chose your new family well, Rufus. You chose for your children what you could not have. And whether you realized it or not, you chose for you,” she said. “You are going to be so loved and so cared for and nothing can stop that.”
“Not even me?” he teased.
She slipped her hand to the nape of his neck and tilted his head down so that his forehead touched her own. “Especially not you, my love.”
And as he took her lips in a soft kiss, she knew that hope had won. Won his heart and hers. And with them? Hope would always rule the day.