Chapter 28 #2
“I wanted to spend some time with you before you left. You left breakfast in a rush, and you seemed distracted. Is anything the matter?”
Lydia was so sweet and genuine. Her eyes were lined with worry.
There was not a cruel bone in her body. Rose was tempted to lie at first, but then she wondered why she should hide her feelings from her closest friend.
If she could not confide in Lydia, then her feelings would not have been safe with anyone.
So Rose took a heavy breath and sank to the bed as well, sitting beside Lydia.
“In all honesty, I feel miserable,” Rose said. This also helped convey her story as a heartbroken woman. Did it make her feel better that she no longer had to face lying to her friend? Not enough.
“Why? Because of Edmund?”
“Nothing has happened, and yet everything is different. This was supposed to be little more than a distraction, a few promenades that would end as swiftly as they began, and yet now… now…”
“Now you feel something for him,” Lydia said.
Rose met her gaze. “It does not matter what I feel. The silly thing is that I planned to deceive everyone that I was heartbroken. I was prepared to act this way so that nobody would ever force me to marry, and now the irony is that the feelings are genuine.”
Lydia took her hand and squeezed it tightly.
“While I can’t condone deceiving everyone, I am glad that your heart knows these feelings.
It is the only thing that matters, Rose.
I know my brother can be difficult, but I am sure that he will make a proposal to you.
He might just want to wait for the right moment.
I am surprised myself that it did not come at this party, but he has always had his own methods of doing things. ”
“It is not just that,” Rose said morosely. “I know that I am not good enough for him.”
“Rose, you should not say such things! Even the King would be grateful to have you for a wife,” Lydia said without hesitation. Rose squeezed Lydia’s hand back.
“Everyone deserves a friend like you, Lydia.”
“But it is true. You are kind, intelligent, and brave. These are all qualities that should be admired, and I know Edmund appreciates them. There is no question of your worth, and you should not doubt yourself. I have never known this to happen before, so I am unsure why it should occur now.”
“Perhaps because I have seen a better reflection that illuminates my own flaws. Nobody has ever called me a diamond, after all.”
“Ah. You are speaking of Amelia,” Lydia said, understanding coming over her face.
“If you wish to feel better about the notion, then I can restate it as being suitable rather than worthy. I cannot imagine Amelia forging names on dance cards to fill them up.”
Lydia giggled. “I can’t imagine anyone else doing it.”
“Which is why I feel the way I do. She relishes every aspect of this life, while I have always railed against it. I have always seen it as an obligation, an unwanted duty, and the expectations placed upon me have seemed like shackles.”
“And you have that in common with Edmund.”
“Perhaps that is why my feelings are ill-timed. Edmund should have someone who complements him, who completes him, not someone who shares the same flaws. Amelia could show him the benefits of duty and smooth out his rough edges. She is steady and admired. Everyone has a positive opinion of her, and she has charmed people at this party.”
“As have you.”
Rose gave Lydia a withering look.
“They are only interested in me because they have been waiting for something to happen between Edmund and me. And if I have gained praise, it is not because I am graceful or carry myself with great poise or because I inspire everyone to think of nobility; it is because I happened to hit a ball well. That is hardly a quality befitting a duchess, is it?”
Lydia suppressed a smile. “Perhaps you could begin a trend,” she said, although Rose shot her a stern look. Lydia then adopted a more sympathetic expression and turned fully toward Rose, looking her in the eye.
“Rose, I have never known you to back away from a challenge or give up on something you want. I know how adamant you have been about avoiding marriage, so doesn’t it say something that you feel this way about Edmund? How many other men exist that would elicit these feelings from you?”
“I am not sure.”
“None, I would wager. And if he is the only man who makes you feel this way, then why give him up so easily? Why yield him to Amelia, who, as you say, could charm any man? Obviously, it would make my life easier if she were already taken, as I will not shine as brightly when standing next to the diamond, but I would not want that to happen at the expense of your happiness.”
“No, you would not because you are a wonderful friend, Lydia, and I am grateful for your counsel.”
“Do not be grateful for it, Rose. Heed it. Go and find Edmund now. Tell him what you just told me. Seize life, and live without regret. Would it be such an affront to your pride to admit you were wrong about marriage?”
“No… I suppose it would not be. You have given me much to think about,” Rose said. Lydia embraced her and kissed her cheek. Although she was slightly younger, there were moments when Lydia seemed far more mature.
“Then let me leave you with one last thought. Avoiding Edmund will not make your feelings disappear. You have read enough stories to know this to be true. If you do nothing about them, then they will dominate your mind for the rest of your life, and I can’t imagine you want this.”
Rose certainly did not, but was there any point in sharing her feelings when she knew that Edmund was just going to leave?
She could imagine his face when she told him the truth, telling her that he was flattered, but she already knew of his plans, and he was not going to change them for her.
This had all started as a game, and it was going to end in defeat because either way, she would have to suffer.
Rose was standing with her parents as the guests filed out of the house. Edmund was at the door, bidding farewell to each of them in turn. Rose wished she could skip this ritual, but there was no way to avoid it.
“Thank you again for coming. It was most wonderful to enjoy your presence, and I shall never forget your performance during Pall Mall, Lady Rose,” Edmund said.
She stared into his dark eyes. There was a coldness to them that had not been there the previous night.
“Thank you for inviting me, Your Grace. I shall never forget it.”
“We look forward to seeing you again soon,” Thomas said. Edmund offered a faint smile. His face was tense. He spoke little. Rose thought about what Lydia had said, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit anything to Edmund, not here, not like this. She would just have to endure.
That was the only choice left to her.
“Farewell, Lady Rose,” Edmund said. There was a sense of finality to his words that she could not ignore. Her eyes became misty with tears, but she swore she would not cry. This was never supposed to happen. She was never supposed to fall in love with him. She was only supposed to pretend.
Rose inclined her head and turned without saying a word. She did not even look back. She left Edmund behind, and it only dawned on her that she would never see him again when the carriage pulled away, for she assumed that the last promenade would be canceled.
There would be no more laughter, no more wry comments, no more infuriating smiles, no more heat prickling her skin, no more yearning in her lips, no more…
She turned away. Her eyes became misty with tears.
“Are you well, dear?” Margaret asked.
Rose turned her face to the window, angling it away from her parents, so they would not see her sorrow.
It had been easier to think of sharing it when it had been feigned.
She drew her thumb across her eyes and blinked away the drops that seemed so intent on breaking through, trying to resist the lure of sorrow.
Stonewood Manor faded into the distance, and with it went her feelings because, despite her best intentions, she had left a piece of her heart with Edmund.
Rose doubted he would take good care of it.