Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Edmund was pacing frantically in his study. The house had never seemed emptier. Lydia was avoiding him. He was avoiding everyone else. Rose lingered in his mind. He cursed himself for going to that event. Seeing her again had brought everything rushing back.
When she had walked away from him, he had been reduced to a wreck.
Anger and frustration boiled inside him, leaving him quite unable to think clearly.
All he wanted was to rush after her, to take her in his arms and hold her until he could hold her no longer.
He even followed her through the house, but her carriage had already disappeared by the time he reached the vehicles.
George appeared in the doorway. Edmund stopped pacing.
“How long until I can be away? Have you booked passage on a ship yet? There must be one leaving soon,” he said hoarsely.
Edmund looked like a sick man. His skin was sallow, his eyes bloodshot and shadowed.
He had not been eating well since he had said farewell to Rose at the maze, so his appearance had become gaunt.
“There is a ship leaving tomorrow morning. You can leave tonight and ride to Southampton. I have already made arrangements for accommodations there. Tomorrow morning, you can simply step onto the ship and never look back, Your Grace,” George said.
Edmund breathed deeply, and it felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
“Very good, George, very good indeed. Are you sure you do not wish to come with me?”
“My place is here, Your Grace. I do not believe that I would be able to best serve you in the wilderness,” he said, shuddering at the thought. Edmund could have commanded George to join him, but he was not that heartless. He had put the man through enough over the years. George had earned a rest.
“Then I shall be away from London tonight. I must draft a letter to my family. I am sure they shall be upset that I leave like a ghost, but I do not wish to make this a grand announcement,” Edmund said.
He planned to apologize to Alfred and Mary, to them all really, and he hoped that when he returned, he would be a better man.
“There is just one matter, Your Grace.”
“Yes?”
“Do you remember you asked me to look into that stray dog?”
Edmund’s ears pricked up. He had completely forgotten about that dog. It brought to mind thoughts of his and Rose’s first promenade. They had been testing each other, and he had seen an example of her willfulness when she went charging away into the trees to chase after the dog.
“Yes, and?”
“I found it, Your Grace. It has been lurking near a church,” George said, handing the address to Edmund. “I thought you should know. I would not want you to leave London with any unfinished business.”
Edmund stared at the address and thought about the dog, and how Rose had acted towards it.
How she had cared for that poor stray left to fend for itself.
He began to realize that he had more in common with that dog than he liked to admit.
But still... Rose had been worried about it, and it might be nice to leave things on a better note than before.
Edmund ordered George to fetch the carriage. He pulled on his gloves and jacket, then set out to find the dog. He reached the church and saw the dog lapping water from a bowl. It was a straggly, exhausted little thing, and it flinched when Edmund approached.
“May I help you?” a reverend said.
“I came for the dog. I know the owner. I was going to take the poor soul back to her, if you do not mind,” Edmund replied.
“Not at all. We must all make our way home in the end,” the reverend dropped to one knee and petted the dog. “Your adventure is over, boy. It is time for you to go back where you belong.”
For a moment, Edmund wondered if the reverend was speaking to the dog or himself.
Edmund picked the dog up. It writhed and wriggled for a moment, but settled when it realized that Edmund was not going to release it.
It sat opposite Edmund in the carriage and peered out of the window.
Edmund’s heart started beating more forcefully as they approached Rose’s house.
He carried the dog to the door and knocked loudly. Jenny answered, and she looked startled.
“I wish to see Lady Rose,” Edmund said.
Jenny’s gaze shifted between him and the dog. “I am not sure she is feeling well enough to take visitors, Your Grace.”
“I must see her,” Edmund said. Jenny melted in the face of his authority and ran back inside the house. Moments later, Rose appeared, startled.
“You,” she said, and wore a look of vexation. Clearly, Jenny had not told Rose that he awaited her. Rose softened when she saw the dog, however.
“I wanted to bring him to you. You seemed worried about him, and I think he might be better served being in your care than wandering about London.”
“You found him? How?” Rose said, opening her arms to take the dog from Edmund. Edmund brushed and picked away the stray dog fur that gathered on his clothes.
“It seemed important to you, so I put my best men on it after our first promenade. I only received word this morning and wanted to come by and give him to you personally. I do not like how things were left between us.”
“I do not either, but I am not sure they could have been left any better, although I am sorry for snapping at you. It is just that I was not expecting to see you again and...”
Edmund held up his hand.
“You do not need to apologize, Rose. And I can assure you that you will not have to be startled in such a way again. I will not be around much longer to bother you. I shall be leaving London for Southampton tonight, and my ship departs tomorrow,” he said, although now that he was standing before Rose, he felt a reluctant pull at his words.
“Oh,” Rose said. “So this is truly goodbye.” She bent down and placed the dog on the floor. It went further into the house, sniffing its way through the unknown territory.
Edmund could not help himself. He stepped forward and touched her face.
“Rose, this may be unfair of me, but I cannot have you hating me. I know this is not what we would have wished. Please understand that I cared for you more than anyone. You...”
Rose caught his wrist and pulled his hand away from her cheek.
“Please, Edmund, you have already caused me enough pain. This is… this is not what I wish to hear.”
“Then let us kiss once more,” he said, leaning forward, unable to control his desire now that he was standing before her once again. His voice was low. He was captivated by the stray locks of hair that framed her face, by the bow of her lips that parted ever so slightly, offering him an invitation.
“No… not here,” she whispered, glancing toward the door. She pulled him into a sitting room. The door was left ajar. This was not a moment for rules or propriety.
But as Edmund approached her again, Rose started to sob. Her eyes glistened. He touched her arm and looked concerned.
“Rose…”
“Why do this, Edmund? Why come back only to unsettle me? Why torture me like this? I had accepted my life before you. I never wanted love or hope, but then you came along… and here you come now, seeking affection yet in the same breath telling me that you are leaving again. How do you expect me to react, Edmund? What do you expect me to do, beg you, implore you to stay, only for you to resent me in the coming years?”
“I would never resent you, Rose.”
Rose started to push him toward the door.
“You must leave, Edmund. Thank you for the dog and thank you for the memories. Know that I do not hate you; I only hate what I have become because of you. My worst fear has come true. I have become a wretched, forlorn woman who is utterly hopeless. Leave and enjoy your grand adventure. I think I have had enough of living life for now,” she said.
Edmund faced the door and knew that he could easily step through, but something stopped him.
He clenched his jaw. He thought about the open world and knew that he would never find anyone like Rose again, and suddenly his desire for adventure was blunted.
The only adventure that really mattered was in all the moments he could spend with Rose.
Even so, to wrench himself away from the future he had always envisioned for himself was no easy task. He was frozen at the doorway, knowing that the decision he made would stay with him forever. The threshold beckoned, and he was caught between the boy he had been and the man he had become.
Then, a moment of realization and clarity came over him. It was time to seize the life he wanted, even if it meant giving up something that had been precious to him for a long time.
“Rose, I was always angry at my parents because they could never settle on their choices. They either lived an adventure or lived at home, but I understand them a little better now. Sometimes you can have both. You are more than I ever expected to find, and I never wanted to make you feel this way. I know that if I step through that door, I will be leaving you forever, and I do not seem to be able to do that.”
He turned to face her. It took a great deal of willpower to bring his body around, but he did so, turning his back on the door that led to the wider world, dispelling the dreams he had carried with him since he was a boy.
Tension ran through his body, but the longer he looked at Rose, the surer he became that he could not live without her.
“What are you saying, Edmund?” Her voice trembled with emotion.
He took her quivering hands and looked into her profoundly beautiful eyes, and suddenly clarity came to his mind.
“When I am with you, I know what I want. I know who I am. I have been fighting it all this time because I have been afraid. After what happened to my parents… I wanted to embrace life but also keep aspects of it at a distance. But there are many different ways of dying, and I believe a life without you is one of them. I love you. I can’t live without you. ”
The words tumbled from him as though they had been unlocked from a vault.
As he gazed into her eyes, he started to understand that she held his fate in her hands.
His parents had taken risks by venturing into the unknown, but here he was doing the same thing with Rose.
If she should tell him that she did not wish to marry him or that she did not share his feelings, then life held no meaning at all.
“Rose… say something. Please. Anything,” he begged, and Edmund was not accustomed to begging for anything. There was an imploring look in his eyes, and he needed her to say something, even if that thing would shatter his soul and leave his heart bleeding in her hands.
Rose’s face was a picture of shock.
“Edmund… I cannot deny that I have longed to hear you speak these words, but how can I trust that you mean them? How can I believe that you will be happy with me when you have made it your entire persona to look to the horizon? What happens when you grow bored of me? The horizon will always be there to catch your eye, and I cannot be with someone when I cannot trust in the future. I would rather live alone.”
“You know me better than that, Rose. You have seen a side of me that has been kept hidden from everyone. I can only give you my word and pray that it is enough. I promise you that there is no other future I want. There is no other company I want. If I cannot be with you, then I hope I am struck down by lightning as soon as I step outside, because life would not be worth living. I love you, and I want to give you everything.”
Rose continued to stare at him, but she had not taken her hands away, which he took to be a good sign.
Her head dipped, and she tore her gaze away from him, and he feared that the rest of her would follow.
He released one of her hands and then placed his fingers beneath her chin, lifting her head so that their gazes met once again.
“I will swear on anything you ask me to. I promise all of myself. I would renounce my titles, my lands, anything. Only you matter, Rose.”
“I can’t imagine Lydia or Charlotte would look too fondly on me if I ask that of you,” she said quietly.
“So be it. I mean it when I say I will do anything. I will chase down every stray dog in London and give them a home if you ask me.”
He ran the back of his fingers across her cheek. She blinked slowly, and he could feel the tension ebbing away from her. She leaned into his hand and exhaled slowly.
“I am not sure that will be necessary, Edmund. If you… If you mean what you say...”
“I do, Rose. I do, with all my heart.”
“Then there is only one thing I can say in return.” The words came out, riding a long exhale. “Edmund, I love you too,” Rose said.
He closed his eyes for a moment, as if the words settled something deep inside him. Then he stepped closer, holding her hands more firmly, as if afraid she might disappear.
“But you must not give up your dreams,” Rose added softly. “I will not be the reason you turn away from them. If you wish for adventure, then we shall have it together.” She gave a small, careful smile. “Though… perhaps not in the jungle, if it can be avoided.”
For a second, Edmund simply stared at her. Then a short laugh escaped him, full of relief and something lighter than he had felt in a long time.
“I believe that is a fair compromise,” he said.
Before she could say more, he pulled her into his arms, lifted her from the ground, and kissed her—no hesitation this time, no doubt, only certainty.
And this time, neither of them pulled away.