Chapter 30
“Let me explain.” He curled his fingers against his chest to keep from reaching for her.
“You said you would never have children.” Harriet was shaking her head, looking from him to the drawing and back, pain and confusion clear on her face.
“I know.” His chest ached as he stepped towards her.
She stepped back still shaking her head, and Theodore froze in place. “You told me you did not want… That you did not want me.”
I do not want that. Theodore closed his eyes and clenched his hands tightly, swearing softly under his breath. “It was not you that I did not want.”
“What do you mean?” He could hear the suspicion in Harriet’s voice.
“When I said that, I was not speaking of you. Not for a moment did I even dream you might think I was saying I did not want you.” Theodore opened his eyes, moving towards Harriet and letting her see the pain roaring through him.
“I have wanted you since the moment I first discovered you on the grounds of my estate, Harriet. From the moment I met you, I felt pulled to you.”
Her lips parted but she did not step away from him.
Theodore held himself in place as a roaring filled his ears.
“I tried to deny it, tried to fight it. I told myself that it was dangerous, that it was foolish. I told myself that I had to keep everything under control or I would ruin everything like I always do.”
“So you pushed me away.” Harriet’s voice was small.
“I tried to. But every time I did, you pulled me back to you. You shattered my control and kicked the shards of it far beyond my reach.” Theodore gestured with his hands, fingers curling as though reaching for something far away.
“When you kissed me, it felt like sunshine after a long winter night. It terrified me. I thought I was weak, that it was that weakness that undid me.”
He heard her breath catch, but he did not stop speaking. “You invited chaos and madness into my life, and it brought life and laughter and joy back into these walls. It was like you made it breathe again. You did not just save Phoebe, you were saving us all, and I was too stupid to see it.”
Theodore turned from her, gritting his teeth as his shoulders slumped forwards and he moved to stand be the window.
“And then we kissed again, and I thought I had ruined things. That I had scared you. When you came to see me the next day I was so relieved, but then… you said you wanted children and the air left the room.”
“Why?” Harriet asked.
“It took me some time to understand. I think a part of it was guilt, after all, it was Rose who had wanted a family, Rose who was so full of life and love – but she would never get that chance. And I was the one who robbed her of it. Or at least, that is what I thought.” Theodore drew in a shaky breath as he curled his fingers in his hair.
I must not lose my nerve. Not now. “But in truth, the terror that gripped me was not guilt. It was the knowledge that I had failed so many times and that I did not trust myself not to do so again.”
“What do you mean?” He felt Harriet shift, but he could not bring himself to turn and face her. I cannot see her when I show her the truth of me.
“The death of my mother made my father even more of a monster. Phoebe was nearly destroyed by Rose’s passing.
Just the thought of something happening to you made me feel like the entire world was crumbling at me feet.
If you were to carry my child, and that child took your life, how would I live?
How would I survive?” His voice broke as he thought of Harriet lying in the bed at Coldmere, his blood solidified, heart stopping in his chest. “There is a monster that lives within me, and it told me I was too weak. That if I lost you, I would be too weak to survive. That it would be selfish to start a family, wrong.”
In his memory, his father’s face blurred into Rose’s, into Phoebe’s, finally into his mother’s. The echoes of his failure stretched out in his mind, and he did not push them away. He let them wash over him, and he kept speaking, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window before him.
“And so I let you go. I told myself it was for the best, and every day since you left, I have regretted it. When I came to Coldmere Castle, I wanted to ask you to come home with me, but you said you wanted separate lives.” He ran his hands along the edge of the window, feeling the stone bite into his skin.
“I told myself I was only honoring your wishes, but that was a lie.”
“The truth is, Harriet, I was scared. I was too terrified of losing you, of ruining everything. And I am still scared, more than I can say.” He curled his hands into fists and he turned to face her, meeting her startled gaze with his burning determination.
“But I am stronger than the fear. I will not make the same mistake for a third time.”
Harriet had a hand on her chest, but her face was half in shadow, making it impossible for Theodore to see what she was thinking.
“I made a mistake, and it nearly cost me the thing I hold most dear. I hate that my cowardice hurt you, and I will spend the rest of my life earning your forgiveness. I have been a fool, but if you will let me, I will be the man you deserve.” He ran his fingers along his gold wedding band.
“Harriet Langford, Duchess of Irondale, I want you. I want all of you. I would rather have one day with you in it, than spend all of eternity without you by my side.”
“I am ready to be your husband, to fulfil all of my vows to you, to start a family with you and a future.” He stepped towards her. “What do you say?”
“I already have a family,” she said.
Theodore’s heart sank, but before he could turn away, Harriet had crossed the distance between them and caught his hand in hers. “You and Phoebe are my family. Nothing will change that. I could not stop loving you even if I wanted to. And I do not want to.”
“You love me?” he asked.
“I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.” She gestured to Much Ado About Nothing as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you, Theodore, and I wanted you to see me. Not as Phoebe’s mother or a wife or a duchess. I wanted you to see me.”
“I see you, Harriet. I will always see you.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you.”
“Then kiss me,” she breathed against his lips.
Theodore obeyed without hesitation. He kissed her, pressing his lips to hers and pouring in everything he could not say with words. He pulled her to him, deepening their kiss as he lost himself in her.
I love you.
He wanted her to taste his love, to feel the weight of it against her. He kissed her like she was the most precious thing in the world, like she was the shore and he was a drowning man.
He felt her kiss him back just as fiercely. Something thundered between them and he could not tell if it was his heart or hers. He did not care.
When they finally broke apart, they were both breathing heavily, clinging to one another as though each feared that a gust of wind might draw them into the sky.
“I love you, Harriet,” he murmured, pressing his lips to her forehead.
“I love you too, Theodore.” Harriet shifted to glance over her shoulder. “Though you should probably let me go. I expect Phoebe is wondering where we are.”
Theodore pulled Harriet even closer to him, feeling her face bury itself in his chest. “Oh, Duchess, I am afraid that will not be possible.”
She pushed against him, though he could tell she was not really trying to escape. “Oh?”
“Did you not listen to a word I said?” He grinned as he tilted her chin up towards him with one finger. “I have learned my lesson; I will never let you go again.”
And as Harriet’s eyes widened, he kissed her again. His Duchess was finally home.