Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
“How would the two of you like to go for a ride later this afternoon?” Rowen asked as she and the twins ate their breakfast.
They were sitting at the dining table in her brother’s country house. James was out sorting paperwork and logistics, and he had told them he would be back late.
Georgie and Alistair looked up at her, then at each other, and shrugged.
Dinners at Ewelme House were quiet, subdued. The children ate methodically, and they would chatter on occasion, but it felt more like they were going through the motions.
It made her think of the lively dinners at Kidlington House, of the way Tobias would roar with laughter, which would set everyone else off.
Stop thinking about it. That is over. He did not want you; it’s time to move on and live your life.
“Well?” Rowen gave an encouraging smile. “James has a few ponies you could borrow.”
“Maybe another day.” Alistair moved a pea around his plate with his fork. “I am a bit tired today.”
“Oh. Well, we could always play a game, or maybe have some hot chocolate after dinner.” Rowen looked between the twins. “It could be fun.”
Georgie shook her head. “I have schoolwork to do. I do not want to fall behind in my lessons.”
“But you hate schoolwork.” Rowen frowned.
“It’s important.” Georgie shrugged and pushed back from the table. “Might I be excused?”
Rowen looked at her daughter’s plate and nodded. At least she is eating. “Of course.”
“I would like to be excused as well.” Alistair gestured to his nearly empty plate, darting off as soon as Rowen dismissed him.
She stared after the children for a moment, before looking at her own plate and sighing. She was used to finishing her meals alone. Or at least, she had been used to such things before they moved into Kidlington House.
She stood up and motioned for the footmen to clear away the dishes. They sprang into action, and she made her way down the corridor.
Ewelme House was small, much smaller than Irving Manor and smaller even than Kidlington House. Yet, despite its size, it did not feel cosy.
She wandered around the house, trying to think of something to do. There was nothing to embroider, no accounts to balance, and no biscuits worth stealing.
She rested a hand on her chest and closed her eyes. “I have to be strong. I have to seem like I am all right. I cannot fall to pieces. I cannot.”
She felt the tears threaten to spill over, but she forced them back. She did not want to cry, not again. She glanced out the window at the dark sky beyond. She had no idea what time it was, but she decided to check on the twins.
She paused outside the small room they were all sharing, took a deep breath, and gently opened the door.
Alistair and Georgie were both curled up in the bed they were sharing, eyes tight shut and covers tucked around them. The sight made her heart stutter, and as she moved towards them, her candle flickering, she noticed sheets of paper on the desk.
“What is this?” Rowen muttered, moving towards the letters and carefully picking them up.
Her eyes fell on the words, and she felt her heart twist and her stomach lurch.
The first letter had the words ‘Dear Tobias’ and ‘Dear Father’ crossed out and rewritten multiple times.
Apparently, her children had not been able to settle on the correct form of address.
She continued reading and felt her heart speed up.
I’ve been really good over the past few days, and I’m focusing extra hard on all my lessons. I am trying to be brave, but I miss you. I can tell Mother is sad, and her heart hurts. If I promise to do anything you want, will you let us come home so we can be a family again?
Love, Alistair.
The other letter was from Georgie, and it pretty much said the same. With each word Rowen read, her heart broke a little bit more.
How is there anything left of me to break?
Her children missed Tobias; she knew that much even before she had seen the letters. After all, they asked nearly every day when he would visit them and if perhaps he had sent them a letter. And every day, she had to give them answers that she knew would break their little hearts.
The air felt stifling as she carefully put the letters back where she had found them. “I should never have let them get so attached to him.”
Rowen left the room, her footsteps echoing through the corridor. She glanced outside. The sky was brightening. She pulled on a coat and boots and decided that a walk was just what she needed to clear her head.
Her breath plumed in front of her, and the biting breeze tugged at her thick coat. Snow crunched beneath her feet. It blanketed the world around her, covering everything in a thick layer of white as far as the eye could see.
She stumbled once or twice, nearly falling into a snow drift that was deeper than it had seemed at first glance. “What am I supposed to do now?”
The sun was rising as she continued her steady climb up the hill. Her breath came out in thicker puffs of fog, but she kept going.
“I thought he was different. I thought this time, things would be different.” She stumbled again, and this time, she lost her balance and fell into the snow.
The scent of cedar and pine surrounded her as she pushed herself to her feet.
“I wish he would stop haunting me.”
She looked up and saw a figure standing a little way away from her. He was sitting astride a large white horse, with a woolen hood pulled over his head.
Rowen’s heart leapt, but she had ‘seen’ Tobias so many times in the days since she had left Kidlington House that she knew better than to get her hopes up.
Snow was starting to fall, and for a moment, she thought she heard her name on the wind. But surely that was just her imagination.
“Rowen.” It was Tobias’s voice.
Rowen shook her head, looking back to where she had seen his figure only moments ago.
It was still there, but it had changed. Instead of sitting astride the horse, the figure was walking beside it, clearly leading it towards her.
“Rowen!” Tobias called again, and she froze.
He is really here.
He was nearly level with her. She could see his disheveled hair and the faint line of stubble on his jaw. His traveling clothes were wrinkled, as though he had spent a day and a night in them.
“What are you doing here?” Rowen kept her expression neutral, her voice just as cold as the snow around them.
Tobias froze, his green eyes wide. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Then you have wasted a journey. I have no wish to talk to you.”
“I suppose I deserve that.”
“You do.”
Rowen turned on her heel to leave, but he caught her wrist. “Please, Rowen, just give me one minute. Let me explain it all to you, and when I am done, if you still have no wish to see me, I will leave.”
“And just what is it you want to explain to me? The fact that you think of me as an obligation? When I was vulnerable and threw myself at you, you told me I was a mistake.”
“You were—are not a mistake. When I said that it was a mistake, I was not talking about you. I was talking about myself. I was talking about the fact that I had lost control. It was about me, not you. I should not have let you leave. I should have asked you to stay. No, I should have begged you to stay.”
“Then why did you not?”
“Because I was scared, Rowen. I told myself that letting you go was what you wanted. That it would be the best thing for you and the children. That to ask you to stay was selfish and cruel.” He shook his head.
“I deluded myself into believing that it was for the best, but I was wrong.
I thought that if I let myself have all the things my brother should have had, I would dishonor his memory.
I thought that if I let myself have what I truly wanted, my father would win.
“I was never supposed to have any of this, Rowen. I was supposed to be a soldier. To be a second son and to live that life. When my father killed my brother, I could not stand the guilt. I swore to him that I would not continue his line. But then James died—or I thought he did—and you came into my life. And you made me remember what it means to live, to really be alive.”
“What are you saying?”
“That I have been a fool, Rowen. A complete and utter fool. And I am sorry.”
“You should be. You broke my heart, Tobias. You made me feel like you cared for me, like you might even… I wanted to be your wife in every sense of the word, and now you are telling me that some silly grudge against a dead man kept you from being the husband I deserve?”
“It is ridiculous, I know. And I see that now.” He closed the distance between them.
“I should never have let it come between us. My father was scum, but my brother… He would never have wanted me to shut myself away, to deprive myself of everything that made life worth living. He would have wanted me to find happiness, to cling to joy with every fiber of my being. Life is worth living, Rowen, and I intend to do just that.”
“All I wanted was for you to ask me to stay.” Her lip trembled, and she felt a tear roll down her cheek. “That was all I wanted. I just wanted you to ask me to stay.”
“I am asking you now, Rowen.” He reached up and gently cupped her face in his hands, his breath fogging in the air between them. “Come home with me.”
“It is too late, Tobias. You do not get to come here looking like an irritatingly handsome but beleaguered traveler, all rakish charm and apology, and expect me to run to you with open arms.” She stepped away from him, wrapping her arms around herself. “It is not that easy.”
“Do you want to come home with me?”
“You broke my heart.”
“That is not an answer.”
“I never wanted to leave.”
“Then come back.” He knelt in front of her and spread his arms wide.
“You told me you never kneeled.”
“For you, I will do anything.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you, Rowen.” He stood up and cupped her face in his hands again.
“I told myself that I only married you out of obligation, but I think a part of me knew that you were my missing piece. I think the real reason I asked you to marry me was because I could see that your soul beat in time with my own. That you were the one person in the world who could make me feel whole again. And every day we have spent together has only proved that more true than the last.”
His lips were a hair’s breadth from her own. Her heart thundered in her chest as his green eyes blurred into one.
“I love you, Rowen, and I want to spend every day loving you.”
His breath tickled her lips, and she closed her eyes. “I love you, too.”
Tears ran down her cheeks as Tobias kissed her, and her heart soared. His kiss was a question and a promise, a statement and a wish, and she answered with the same fervor.
When they broke apart, it could have been minutes or hours later. She did not know, and she did not care.
He wiped a tear from her face with his thumb, and she saw that his own eyes were watery.
“I am still furious with you,” she said, even though she could not keep the smile off her face. “You broke my trust.”
“I know.” He stroked her face. “And I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn your forgiveness. I will spend every second rebuilding the trust that was between us. I will do everything in my power to make it up to you, again and again and again. And twice on Sundays.”
He kissed her between each sentence, kissing away her tears, making her breath catch and laughter escape her.
“What do you say, Duchess? Are you ready to come home?”
“I am.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “But first, we have to go and tell our children the good news. After all, they have missed their father.”
Hand in hand, they made their way back down the hill, ready to start their life together and bring their family back home.