Chapter 37 #2
“I could handle their rejection of me and work to try to change it. I would not let them reject and hurt my children. I stopped reaching out. I decided if they were to reach out to me, I would not reject them… but they did not.”
Kalina’s heart went out to her mother. She had not known all of these details. Her mother had never talked about it before, and she’d assumed it was too painful. Now she could see the anger that simmered there as well before her mother banked it again.
“But why did we never eat curry at home?” Kalina had had it, usually when they’d been invited over to someone’s house for supper. The instances had been rare, but she’d loved both the taste and the smell. It was never served in their house.
“I suppose that when they rejected me, I decided to give them good reason to.” Her mother smiled wanly.
“It was my way of actually rejecting them, not just choosing to marry a man I wanted. I always thought they would come around, but when they did not, I decided to throw myself into being as English as I could because I knew eventually we would come home.”
“But Papa is still looking for acceptance from his family because he never had to face it in person?”
“He is also far more of an optimist than I am. A bit of a dreamer, really.” Mama smiled fondly.
“And, unlike me, he did not have a match arranged. His father was incensed that he’d married without consulting him first, but his sin against them was far less than what my family perceived as my sin against them.
Even after I accepted my family would never forgive me, he still had hope for his. ”
Kalina studied her mother’s face, which showed sadness but also serenity.
“So, now you are eating curry?”
“I miss it. I have also come to realize that I do not have to reject everything in order to separate myself from my family.” She smiled, but it was full of concern as she looked at Kalina.
“When I married your father, I took control of my own destiny in some ways, but my family still influenced my decisions. I have to wonder now if that was a mistake.”
“Because of me?”
“Because of the way you felt pressured to marry for your father’s sake,” her mother gently corrected her.
She huffed. “I am still angry with him about that. We chose to marry each other—me against my family’s wishes and him without consulting his.
You were choosing to aim for a duke, and I did not want to interfere with your choice, but then your father did.
He took from you what we had, what we sacrificed for.
” Mama shook her head. “I could kick him.”
“But you will forgive him, eventually?” She wanted that for her parents. Although she knew it was her father’s actions, and not hers, that had them at odds, she could not help but feel somewhat responsible. “He was trying to get me a love match. In his own deluded, not-very-well-thought-out way.”
“Ready, fire, aim, that’s your father.” Mama smiled ruefully and closed her eyes. “I know who I married. But he also needs to understand that his actions have consequences, and not just for you. The choice should have been yours to make.”
“I know,” Kalina said softly. “But I think it will come out well enough in the end. Nathanial is no longer angry at me, though he still is at Papa. I cannot blame him.”
“Neither can I.”
“I do think Papa is right, and he was the better choice for me.” Because she was falling in love with him.
She did not know if she would have with Christian.
Though she’d enjoyed his company, they’d been missing something ineffable, something she and Nathanial surely did have.
“Even if he went about everything in the wrong way.”
Mama wrinkled her nose.
“I wish that your happiness did not depend on him being correct. I cannot wish that he be wrong because I do want you to be happy… but I also want him to be wrong.”
Laughing, Kalina reached out her hand and took her mother’s.
“He can be both right and wrong at the same time.” She squeezed her mother’s fingers.
It was a very pleasant rest of the visit, catching up on what her family had been up to since that tumultuous house party, telling her mother about Hereford Hall and Nathanial’s sisters. Unlike Ashwin, her mother was very much looking forward to meeting them.
She would have to speak with Nathanial and see how tetchy the subject of her father remained and whether a supper might be possible soon.
If not, perhaps she could take his sisters somewhere her mother and brother could meet them, without him or her father present.
Just to keep from chafing his sensibilities.
Feeling much better now that she’d been able to talk to her mother—though she did not tell her mother about the spanking that had changed her and Nathanial’s relationship—she did thank her for making sure Kalina was informed before her wedding night.
Disembarking from the carriage, she swept up into the house, humming cheerfully under her breath.
She was on her way to the back garden when she turned the corner and saw Julianna sitting beside the closed door to Nathanial’s study.
Her sister-in-law’s eyes widened, a pleading expression settling over her face.
She pressed her finger to her lips, clearly begging Kalina for silence.
More than a little intrigued, Kalina came closer, and Julianna’s eyes widened even further as Kalina stood over her and pressed her ear to the door. Whatever Julianna was so interested in, Kalina wanted to know, too.