Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Matthew
Should he ask his wife what was the matter? Matthew ran his fingers over his lucky coin as Reedy tied his cravat in place. It was very possible that after tonight’s ball, she would be back to herself. Perhaps he should wait until tomorrow to decide if he should ask.
“Everything all right, Your Grace?” Reedy murmured, stepping back and eyeing Matthew curiously.
“Yes, yes, everything is fine.” Matthew studied himself in the mirror. The dark plum and silver of his waistcoat was set off nicely by his black jacket and the crisp white of his shirt. The cravat was several shades lighter plum and pinned with an amethyst-and-diamond cravat pin set in silver.
He looked very fine indeed, with his dark hair swept back from his face and his jawline cleanly shaven and framed by the stiff points of his collar. As far as appearances went, Grandmama should have no complaints about how he looked for his return to the ballrooms, this time as a married man.
Reedy nodded his head, though he still appeared skeptical.
Very much like how Matthew felt about his wife at the moment.
“Is there anything else I can do for you, Your Grace?” Reedy asked.
“No, Reedy, thank you. That will be all.” Matthew continued to look at himself in the mirror as Reedy left, turning back and forth and examining his reflection. He felt unaccountably anxious for this evening.
Which made no sense.
He had been far less nervous attending balls when he was looking for a wife, which was the whole point of going to these events. Why was he so nervy now that he had one?
Perhaps because it seemed to mean so much to Johanna. Was this another indication of love? That he cared because she did?
That seemed possible.
His hand drifted to the pocket of his waistcoat, fingers dipping in to rub over the familiar metal circle of his lucky coin.
Am I in love with my wife?
That was the question.
He did not even realize he’d pulled the coin out and flipped it until it was turning in the air.
It was so habitual, he had not done it consciously.
Startled, he jerked back, and for the first time in his life, he missed catching the coin.
It slipped through his fingers, clattering to the wooden slats of the floor, and Matthew dropped down, slapping his hand on the ground…
But it was too late. The coin had rolled beneath the heavy armoire. Staring at the darkness beneath the large piece of furniture, Matthew felt his breath stutter. He hadn’t been separated from his lucky coin since… well, since he’d found it, so many years ago.
What happened?
His mind felt as though it had ground to a halt.
“Reedy!” His voice was high, strangled. “Reedy!”
Surely his valet had not gone far. Did Matthew need to ring for him? Blast… should he ring for him? The urge to flip his coin and find out was so strong he could barely think.
Thankfully, before he had to decide, the door to his bedroom flew open.
“Your Grace? Your Grace, what’s wrong?” Reedy came to a halt, frankly staring at Matthew, who was still on all fours in front of the armoire.
“I need you to help me move this!” Matthew could not keep the sheer panic from his voice as he jumped to his feet, bracing his shoulder against the wood, and tried to shove it aside himself. It did not even rock.
“Your Grace!” Reedy’s alarm was clear in his voice, but he came forward to stand beside Matthew, trying to push as well.
“My coin.” Matthew could barely get the words out. There was no breath in him to speak. “My coin rolled under it.”
He felt Reedy pause beside him, then the man pushed hard as well, both moving together. The armoire moved. Sort of. Barely. If it even budged a centimeter, Matthew would be surprised.
An axe. He needed an axe. Then he could chop the damn thing apart.
Was that the right decision?
Hell and damnation… how was he supposed to do this without his coin?
“Your Grace, please breathe,” Reedy said, putting his hand on Matthew’s shoulder.
Only then did Matthew realize he was no longer pushing on the armoire—now he was braced against it in an attempt to remain on his feet.
He was lightheaded, and his knees felt like they were going to collapse.
“Your Grandmama is waiting downstairs. You need to go to the ball. I will take care of this while you are gone. It will likely take several footmen.”
“Right,” Matthew said hollowly, pushing himself upright.
One night. One ball. Without his coin. God, he wanted to call the whole night off and stay home.
But this was Johanna’s first ball as his wife; that would not be right, would it?
If he had his coin, he could flip to know which was the better option.
It’s just one night. I can do this.
“Thank you, Reedy.”
“Of course, Your Grace. I’ll hand you your coin the moment you arrive home.”
Matthew nodded mutely, feeling very strange as he turned and walked away from the armoire. As if he was walking out into the world naked. As though he was missing a part of himself.
He felt unsteady on his feet as he walked down the hallway, heading to the front of the house.
Voices drifted up the staircase as he approached, along with laughter.
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of white at the end of the hall, but when he turned his head, they were already gone.
Probably Charlotte.
No wonder the staff was unnerved; they must think the house haunted at times.
At some point, he might need to speak with her about it.
He didn’t realize he’d reached for his coin until his fingers touched nothing but an empty pocket. The realization that it was empty nearly rocked him back all over again.
Matthew gave himself a shake as he reached the top of the stairs. It was just one night. He could get through one night without his coin. He had lived for years without it before.
And made so many of the wrong decisions.
His shoulders tensed as his father’s voice echoed in his ears.
“Where is your common sense, boy? This is not that difficult! Just choose!”
But somehow it was always the wrong choice.
Pausing before the stairs and the crowd at the bottom of it came into view, Matthew leaned against the wall for a long moment, trying to draw a deep breath despite the constricting band that had wrapped around his chest. Reaching into a different pocket, he pulled out his handkerchief and used it to dab at the moisture that had gathered at his hairline.
“Where is that boy?” Grandmama’s tones were growing impatient. In a few moments, she’d likely come looking for him herself.
“I am sure he will be down shortly,” Johanna replied soothingly. Though her tone was meant for his grandmother, not for him, he found himself being soothed, anyway. His breathing became a little more even, his head less dizzy.
Tonight was her big night. Her entrance to the ton. Her presentation as his duchess.
He could do this.
He would do this.
For his wife.
Johanna
Matthew appeared at the top of the stairs, and Johanna breathed a sigh of relief as Lady Stark relaxed. If Johanna did not know better, she would think that Lady Stark was nervous as well.
Perhaps she was.
None of which helped her nerves.
Thankfully, she had Rose by her side, steady as always, although not entirely pleased about going to a ball.
She’d already declared that she would be there as Johanna’s companion and not as an eligible parti.
But she looked stunning in a deep-burgundy gown trimmed with ivory lace and gold ribbon, which nicely complemented Johanna’s light plum and silver gown with its frothy layers of white lace at the neckline and sleeves.
Now that she could see Matthew, Johanna realized that his cravat matched her gown.
A little detail she was certain she could attribute to Lady Stark’s keen eye for detail.
She and Matthew looked like they belonged together, and Rose would complement them perfectly.
Johanna looked over at Lady Stark, who was wearing a silver dress with a deep plum trim that matched Matthew’s waistcoat, and her lips twitched.
The older woman thought of everything.
Something that Johanna hoped to emulate in the future.
If it was possible to.
Ruthlessly, Johanna thrust away the thoughts of her mother and their predicament.
She could not allow those to cloud her mind tonight.
She had to get through this evening and then…
she did not know what she was going to do.
But she knew the first step was focusing on this evening and acquitting herself well as Matthew’s duchess.
Matthew came down the stairs, looking a bit… odd. His usual grin was absent from his lips, his jaw was clenched, and he appeared out of sorts. Johanna’s stomach did an odd swooping thing. He had not stopped to check in on her mother, had he?
“I am here,” he said to his grandmama, holding out his arm to Johanna. If he had spoken with her mother and was upset, he did not seem angry, at least. What else could make him so off-kilter?
Warily, Johanna took his arm, but he was looking at his grandmother, not at her. Because he was too upset to look at Johanna? Or because he was worried his grandmother was upset with him?
“Then it is time that we go,” Lady Stark said with an imperious sweeping motion of her hand.
Johanna’s stomach turned over for an entirely different reason.
She was almost accustomed to living with the guilt of keeping such important information from everyone around her. But tonight, she had to be a duchess. In front of the entire ton.
And that was something she was not accustomed to at all.
If she was going to keep secrets from her husband, she did not want to keep secrets from him and embarrass him in front of Society.
The carriage ride was short and fraught, though if Lady Stark noticed, she did not acknowledge the tension.
Johanna was watching Matthew, Rose was watching Johanna, and Matthew was looking out the window of the carriage at the streets of London, seemingly lost in thought.
What he was thinking about, Johanna could not tell.
He was certainly not paying attention to his grandmother’s monologue on who might be in attendance tonight and who they would need to pay particular attention to if they were.
Which meant it was up to Johanna to focus on that, but though she did her best to listen and nod at appropriate times, she could not help but constantly peek at Matthew.
Sitting beside him, she could feel the tension in his body.
Saw his hand flexing against his thigh, his fingers opening and closing, tapping against his trousers at odd intervals.
Though it was not appropriate for a woman of her station, and though she worried that his distraction was due to her mother, Johanna could not help but slip her fingers through his to hold his hand.
She kept her gaze on Lady Stark, nodding as the older woman explained about the particularities of impressing Lady Jersey, but she was aware of Matthew jerking in the seat beside her.
His fingers closed around hers, holding on tightly rather than pushing her away, which eased some of the worry in her heart.
Sitting beside Lady Stark, Rose’s gaze dropped to where Matthew and Johanna’s hands were now intertwined, though his grandmother pretended not to see.
“Now, Lady Cowper and Lady Jersey are great friends, so if you win one over, the other will be soon to follow.” From the tone of Lady Stark’s voice, one would think she was mustering Johanna to battle.
And perhaps she was.
Taking a deep breath, fingers entwined with her husband’s, Johanna focused herself. She was determined not to embarrass Matthew or his grandmother tonight. Their place in Society was riding on it.