Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Matthew
It was a rather sleepless night, even after his wife fell asleep in his arms, but it was worth the tiredness in the morning because he had come to several decisions.
All on his own. It had taken him much longer than he would have with his coin, but he felt fairly confident of them after such a long period of contemplation.
“I need to talk to your mother,” he told Johanna after she woke.
Because of the light coming in through the cracks in the curtains, he could see her frown, then the fear that lit up her eyes.
“That is the best way to protect her. I need to talk to her and ask her some questions, then if she is able to give me anything useful, I can bring the information to my friends, and I do not have to tell them exactly who I got the information from.”
“I do not know if she will talk to you,” Johanna admitted. She tilted her head back so she could look at him better. Her teeth dragged over her lower lip. “She is very afraid.”
So was his wife. But she trusted him. Enough that she’d told him the secret, even though she was frightened of what would happen to her mother.
“You can be there with her. So can Rose if she wants.”
“Rose does not know yet,” Johanna confessed.
Perhaps it was petty of him to feel good about knowing something that Rose did not. The cousins were so close, he’d assumed Johanna must have told her. He had not minded thinking that Rose knew before him. Still, he could not help but feel chuffed at hearing she did not. Puffed his chest right up.
“Well, she can still be there if you’d like.”
Johanna laughed, almost reluctantly, and poked him in the side.
“Do not sound so pleased that she did not know.”
“I cannot help it. I am pleased.” He slid his hand up to cup her face, running his thumb along her soft cheek.
“I am pleased that you trust me, and I will not betray that trust. I will do everything in my power to protect your mother. She has nothing to fear from me and mine. Consider me your Knight of the Round Table. I will fight any other knight, slay any dragon, complete any quest you set before me, for no other reason than to see the fear wiped from your eyes and a smile upon your lips.”
Her hand pressed against his chest.
“I do not know what to say to that,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes.
These were the kind of tears Matthew did not mind, though.
“You do not have to say anything,” he told her. “Except ‘yes, Matthew’.”
“Yes, Matthew.”
He pressed his lips to hers for a kiss, holding her tight against him. Despite the desire that swelled from holding her naked body, Matthew ruthlessly pushed it away. He did not need a coin to tell him that this was not the time.
Besides, the sooner he talked to her mother, the more time he would have to plan out what to do next. Another decision. Without his coin.
“Before or after breakfast, do you think?” he asked. Not because he wanted to burden Johanna with the decision, but because she knew her mother best, and it seemed wise to be guided by her on such a matter.
“After.” She sighed and pressed her forehead against his chest. “For my own sake, if not hers. I am not prepared at the moment.”
Which made sense. She had just woken up, and, unlike him, she had slept soundly through the night. Giving her another sound kiss, Matthew reluctantly abandoned the warmth of her bed and returned to his room.
He glanced at the armoire as he rang for Reedy.
The reality of having to live without his coin was starting to hit home. Not in the panicked manner it had struck him the night before, when he’d still thought he would get it back, but a kind of cold, creeping dread that he was barely able to keep at bay.
Sebastian’s voice in his head helped to bolster him somewhat.
You’ll deal with the consequences, like the rest of us mere mortals.
Other people did this every single day.
He could do it, too.
Getting dressed was easy. Reedy usually chose Matthew’s outfits for him, anyway. So not much had changed about getting ready for the day. Obviously, once he was done getting dressed, it was time to go to the dining room.
Matthew had always thought that he flipped his coin for everything, but now he was realizing how many small decisions he made without flipping it. Because, of course, he did not have to go to break his fast. But it was what he did, every morning, without flipping his coin to see if he should.
Of course, now that he was married, and he knew Johanna was getting ready for the day, there was the question of whether he should wait for her. But that was an easy decision, too. Last night, Johanna had asked him what he wanted to do, then they did that.
Right now, he wanted to wait for his wife, so they could walk to the dining room together. Easy.
And he could acknowledge that in the past, he might have flipped his coin to make such a decision. Now, he just did it. Because what would the consequences be of not doing so?
He could arrive in the dining room alone, or he could have company along the way. Besides, he did not want Johanna to feel as though he’d left and walked on without her or that he did not want her company.
It was a bit odd, having to think through what might happen depending on what choice he made, when he’d stopped considering such things before. He’d let the coin guide him. Not bad. Just odd.
This was an easy decision, though. Very little bad could come of it either way. He did not think Johanna would be upset if he did not wait for her, but he thought it would make her feel good that he had.
Easy.
Harder choices were still to come.
The door to Johanna’s room opened, and she stepped out into the hallway, catching his gaze immediately. Her whole face lit up when she saw him, which was a very nice feeling indeed.
Johanna
Despite her nervousness over what was to come after breakfast, Johanna found herself enjoying the meal immensely.
Not just because Bridget was peppering her and Rose with questions about the ball or because Charlotte appeared to be having some kind of mute communication with the air in front of her (or was gracefully moving her hands about for some other reason), but because of Matthew’s clear delight in his life without his coin.
“Do you know, I cannot remember the last time I flipped my coin on what to eat for breakfast?” he whispered to her, sounding positively gleeful. “I make my decisions for my meals all the time without it.”
Johanna’s lips twitched, and she nodded seriously, suppressing her smile. She did not point out that he ate the same thing for breakfast every morning, so it did not surprise her that he would have no trouble with that choice. He was so very happy to have discovered it.
His joy was utterly endearing. It was something she’d appreciated about him before—the lightness he had about him.
If she had not known about his childhood, she might have thought it was due to his position and privilege, but while he might have been the son of a duke and all that entailed, he had not known the love and care that she’d gotten from her parents.
Now, watching him, seeing his appreciation for realizing how many choices he’d made on his own, without his coin, she felt emotion well up in her breast. The same emotion she had not wanted to admit to before.
She was happy that he was happy.
Because she loved him.
Just as she wanted her siblings and Rose to be happy because she loved them.
Although it was a very different kind of love, to be sure.
But there was no longer any escaping how she felt about him.
“What are we doing today?” Bridget asked, finally leaving Rose alone.
“Lessons,” Lady Stark replied, without glancing up from her plate. “Micah’s new tutor will be arriving shortly, and Miss Swift is going to give you and Charlotte singing lessons.”
“Why do we need to learn how to sing?” Bridget asked, getting that particularly mulish expression on her face that often preceded a fight.
“Because if you want to have your pick of the gentlemen, you need all the attributes that a proper young lady should have.” Lady Stark took a sip of her tea.
“Those ladies who have mastered all the expected skills for the marriage mart are the ones who can choose who they marry. Those who are not skilled must take what they can get.”
Which made Johanna very glad she’d not had to be a debutante. She had certainly not mastered the skills required.
“Johanna does not know how to sing, and she landed a duke,” Bridget said, frowning.
“So, she did. It was very lucky for her that matters worked out that way. Would you like to rely on luck, or would you prefer to control your own destiny as much as possible?” Lady Stark said, finally raising her gaze to look directly at Bridget.
Bridget’s frown deepened.
“I am going to control my destiny,” Charlotte announced. “I will choose the best husband.”
“What if you marry him and it turns out he’s terrible?” Micah asked, teasing.
Charlotte shrugged. “Then I will get a new one.”
“He would have to die for that to happen, you know.”
Charlotte shrugged again, and Micah eyed her with growing consternation. As did everyone else.
Perhaps Johanna would need to pay closer attention to her youngest sister.
“Well, I am sure you will make a good choice the first time,” Lady Stark said lightly. Then she muttered under her breath as her gaze dropped down again. “I hope so for his sake.”
Charlotte smiled beatifically
Matthew leaned over, and Johanna tensed. Was he worried that her sister might actually kill her future husband? Would he think she got that from their mother?
“I just realized, I never flip to decide to leave the breakfast table either,” Matthew whispered gleefully.
“There are certainly a lot of things you do not use your coin for,” she agreed, suppressing her laughter, though she could not suppress the smile he brought to her lips.
Soon enough, breakfast was over, and it was time to make their way to her mother’s room. Johanna breathed a sigh of relief as her brother and sisters went to their respective lessons, Lady Stark escorting Micah in order to introduce him to his tutor.
She and her family owed Matthew and his grandmother so much.
Letting him talk to her mother was the very least she could do. Especially after he’d promised to protect her.
“Rose,” she said, as she got to her feet. “Will you help me with Mother? We need to get her dressed today. She’s going to meet Matthew. In the sunroom.” Which was closer to her bedroom than any of the other public rooms. Johanna glanced at Matthew, who nodded, the smile fading from his lips.
“I will meet you there.”
Nodding, Johanna felt her mouth grow dry as she turned away. Rose was frowning at her as she came around the side of the table and looped her arm through Johanna’s.
“What is going on?” she asked in a low voice as they exited the dining room.
“You will see,” Johanna told her. Inside her chest, it felt as though her heart was constricting, despite Matthew’s promise.
He already knew the worst of it, surely.
Johanna had questioned her mother, after all.
There was nothing more than Johanna had been able to tell him, but she understood why he wanted to question her mother himself.
“You will know everything after this, I promise.”
“Very well.” Rose skewered her with a look. “I do not like it when you keep secrets from me.”
That brought Johanna’s smile back.
“I do not like keeping secrets from you. Nor am I very good at it. I am sorry I have been avoiding you.”
“I thought this might just be what it is like now that you are married and I am not.” Rose shrugged, but she looked away, and Johanna knew it was because she was hiding her hurt. Because that was what Rose did.
“No. You will always be the sister of my heart. I have been trying to protect you.” Johanna sighed, shaking her head. “You will understand after Mother and Matthew’s conversation.”
“We shall see.”
Johanna did not blame Rose for her skepticism.
Of course, it was not as easy as all that. Johanna’s mother was not exactly leaping to get out of bed and meet her husband.
“You are going to be the death of us all,” she said, wringing her hands, even as Johanna and Rose pulled her from the bed.
Rose’s look of alarm did much to help Johanna feel like sticking out her tongue at her cousin. See? I was not exaggerating.
“Matthew has promised me that he will protect you, Mother,” Johanna said gently but firmly. “And I believe him.”
Even so, her mother stood uselessly, tears rolling down her cheeks. She was like a doll Rose and Johanna had to dress. The silent weeping nearly broke Johanna, but she knew this was for the best. Matthew was providing for her whole family. He had promised to protect her mother.
The only thing he had asked for was to be allowed to meet with and question her mother personally. How could she possibly reasonably deny him that?
She could not.
Johanna was putting her faith in her husband. The man who had rescued her. The man who had taken her family in. The man who had made her his duchess and given her the keys to a future she could have never imagined, even a month ago.
The man she had fallen in love with.
All she could do now was hope that he would not betray that faith.