Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Inever thought that I would see the day where that awful girl apologized!” Anthea laughed.
Cassandra was not feeling any better, but her friends were doing what they could. That day, she had at last opened up to them about what she had told them about her conversation with Lady Sylvia.
“I for one hope that she groveled,” Sybil huffed, “especially after all that she did to you. Why, had she not been so awful, then perhaps yourself and the Duke–”
Anthea hushed her gently, but it was too late. She had said what they had all been thinking, and Cassandra could hardly blame her for that. They had made an agreement that they would not say his name in her presence, but that was easier said than done.
And it did not stop her from thinking about him. She wished that she could, but he would not leave her.
“Was I unfair?” she asked for what felt like the tenth time. “He did not stop the wedding. All that he wanted to do was postpone it.”
“And that hurt you, so you had every right to do what you did,” Anthea reasoned. “Even so, if you are reconsidering it, then there is no harm in writing to him.”
“I could not possibly do that. You saw what was written by that gossip mongerer. He has been in financial troubles all along, and he was trying to shield me from it. He had not told me that, and that was more hurtful than anything else.”
“He may have had a reason for it,” Anthea tried, but Sybil coughed pointedly.
“If you want,” she said calmly, “you and I can go to the country for a while. It shall remove you from London and scandal and all of those dreadful things that you wish to be rid of, and then when you are ready we can return.”
It was the most incredible invitation. It was exactly what she needed, an escape from everything that had been haunting her. It was the easiest thing that she could do.
And it was for that reason that she could not take it.
“It is most kind of you, but I must refuse,” she sighed. “It is time for me to accept what has happened, and take the outcome as it comes. I have come out of this well, and running now would only make people wonder why.”
Her friends were clearly surprised by that, and they glanced at each other before looking back at her.
“Are you quite certain?” Anthea asked. “Nobody would blame you if you needed to escape for a while.”
“There is no escape. It does not matter where I am, or what I am doing, all that I can think of is him. Besides, I cannot run forever. My mother has agreed to find me a husband, and I will not complain regardless of who she chooses for me.”
Sybil took her by the shoulders then, her grip tight.
“Cassandra, this is not who you are. What has happened to you?”
“I fell in love,” she said simply, but the words shocked them all.
“I fell for the Duke, and it was the worst thing that I could have done. I cannot believe it, cannot believe that I would let myself be so vulnerable, and I have learned my lesson from it. I will not make that mistake a second time.”
“Then what will you do?”
“I will accept whichever man is chosen for me, and I will maintain a distance. It would not be fair for my husband to think that I love him when I do not.”
She knew that what she truly wanted, more than anything, was to swallow her pride and write to the Duke and tell him that she had changed her mind, but she could not bring herself to do so.
As it was, she had been the one to walk away.
She had been the one that made the decision, and if she went back on that only for him to say that he did not want her, then she had lost the last piece of her dignity.
She could not allow that to happen, for if it did she did not know what she would do.
Suddenly, there was the loud slam of her front door. All three ladies looked in the direction of it, and then at one another, and then they crept toward it. They stood in the upstairs hallway, looking down at the entrance half in fear and half in curiosity.
Cassandra wondered if the man her mother had chosen for her had already arrived. Then, she heard his voice, and it was more chilling than it would have been if it were a stranger.
“I am here to see Lady Cassandra. Is she here?”
“Your Grace,” her father said gently, “it is good to see you, but she–”
“Is she here?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I need to speak with her. She may not want to, but I insist that she comes down.”
There was an authority in his tone that she did not recognize, but it was what she sensed beneath it that truly caught her off guard. There was a desperation, a longing, and suddenly she was not as angry as before. Without announcing her arrival, she rose steadily and descended the staircase.
“Your Grace,” she greeted. “What is it?”
She feared that he might look beyond her and see her friends hiding by the stairs, but he did not.
His eyes were fixed on her, staring intently into hers.
She flushed at the intimacy of it, worsened by the fact that her family was watching them.
It was strange, and yet she welcomed it.
She had missed him, and in spite of everything she could not believe that he was there before her.
“We can leave you be,” her father suggested, but the Duke shook his head.
“If it pleases you, I should like for you all to hear this. I no longer have anything to hide, nor any reason to feel shame for why I have done what I have done. I could have been better, and I should have been, but I cannot change that.”
He took her hand then, tilting her chin up so that she was looking at him.
“Lady Cassandra,” he continued, “I will not claim to have ever been the perfect man. I have made so many mistakes, even if I thought I was doing the best that I could. I cannot promise you that there will never be another obstacle for us to face, nor another mountain to climb. I cannot and will not proclaim that I know we will never face hardship, but I can tell you here and now that I will stand by you through it.”
By that point, her friends were standing by the bannisters, watching on and clinging tightly to one another.
Cassandra, meanwhile, was trying to remember how to breathe.
She had been caught by surprise by his sudden arrival, and even more so by what he had to say.
She could not believe what she was hearing, and she wondered for a moment if she was dreaming, but it was real.
He was there, and he was telling her exactly what she needed to hear.
“Your Grace, I know how you feel. I wish you had told me this before, but then I also wish that I– well, I should have been honest with you too. I should have been honest with myself. For so long, I thought that I was being intelligent for not seeking love, but the truth is that I was hiding from it. I did not want to be hurt, and so I thought that if I hid from it forever, then I would not have to risk myself from it happening.”
“And yet…”
“And yet…”
All the while, they had not stopped looking at one another. Cassandra knew what he wanted to say, and she wanted so desperately for him to say it. She willed him to continue, for she had been longing to hear him say it for so long that it was becoming almost unbearable.
“And yet,” he said at last, “I chose to love you regardless.”
It was precisely what she wanted, but the moment she heard it she lost all ability to speak. They were but a few mere words, but they meant something else entirely when he was the one to say them. They felt sacred, and she wished that he had said them much sooner.
And strangely, she was also pleased that he had not. They would need time, but she could not help but see already that they had needed to struggle in order to truly see one another.
“And I still do choose to,” he continued.
“I choose to love you, and I will always do so. I had not wanted to at first, and I know that you did not either, but it sounds wrong to say that we had no choice in the matter. I am a better man because of you, and when I think of how I want my life to be, I cannot imagine it without you. I need you, Lady Cassandra. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispered, “and you are right. I did not want any of this. I wanted to run from all of it, to keep the life I had before, but when I think about what I truly want, it is not a life alone by the sea. It is a life with you, one that I can live openly and honestly and surrounded by love. It is all that I want.”
“Then marry me. I know that the timing is not right, but it might never be perfect. I might never be perfect, but I cannot let that dictate what happens to me anymore. I love you, and that means we will find a way through.”
“We will. I know that we will.”
And she meant every word of it. It was true that they were not perfect, but they were perfect for each other.
He had shown her what it meant to honor a commitment, and she had shown him to choose happiness, and that meant that they did not need to be their own ideas of perfection.
They were happy, and as long as they both tried, they would continue to be.
At last, she looked past him, and saw Philippa standing behind them all. The smile on her face was wider than Cassandra had ever seen. Cassandra smiled breathlessly in return, and everyone finally came together and exchanged well wishes and smiles and tears.
“I cannot believe it!” Philippa gasped, embracing her tightly. “Does this mean that you will marry now?”
“Indeed it does,” she replied. “Everything is as it should be again.”
“How wonderful! I knew that you would find one another again, but I did not know how long it would take. I am so pleased that you did not make me wait too long to have a sister at last.”
Cassandra laughed at that, and the Duke did the same. Anthea and Sybil made their appearances at last, joining them and congratulating them warmly, and then tea was prepared and they planned to go to the drawing room.
“If I may,” Cassandra said gently, “might I speak with the Duke in private now? I shall only need a moment, and then we may continue our celebrations.”
There was not a single person that would have argued with her at that moment. They slipped into the drawing room, and Cassandra took the Duke’s hand and went to the parlor room with him.
“I would have preferred the garden,” she said softly, “but there has been enough scandal without the two of us being seen together.”
“Yes… it is all quite a mess, is it not?”
They both laughed quietly, and though Cassandra knew that she should have been daunted by that fact, she could not bring herself to be. She was simply pleased to be where she was, and there was nothing that could change that.
“What sort of wedding should we have?” she asked. “Now that you are settling matters with Lord Buxton, we could have something grander if you wish, something befitting a duke.”
“And a duchess,” he added. “Is that what you want? We can certainly make such arrangements, though I will admit that it will take time to prepare for that.”
“And that is precisely why I would rather not,” she smiled. “The truth is, in case you are yet to notice, I do not need the spectacle. I am content for it to be you and I, declaring our love for one another and promising to care for one another. I do not need anything more than that.”
“Do you promise?”
“I do, and if you still have that license for us to marry, I see no reason why we must wait. Is that strange for me to say? Should I have more caution after everything that has happened?”
“Perhaps, but I am pleased that you do not. If there is one thing that you have taught me, it is that I need not be so afraid to do what will make me happy. This, right here, is what makes me happy.”
He raised her hand at that, and kissed it gently. Her heart fluttered at the touch of his lips against her skin, and the heat of it warmed her greatly. When he looked at her, she thought she might shrink away, but she did not. Instead, she held his gaze and willed him to know what she wanted.
He had always seemed to know, and it had once infuriated her, but now it was the best thing about him.
That moment was no exception. He brushed a lock of her hair behind her hair, then lowered his hand to her chin, holding her lovingly.
He bent toward her, pausing mere centimeters from her, and she whimpered at that.
It amused him greatly, and so when he closed the gap entirely and kissed her, he was grinning.
She melted into it, falling against him with not an ounce of restraint.
She did not think to chastise herself for waiting so long, for she was simply grateful to herself for letting herself be vulnerable.
He would not hurt her again, and she had been right to believe in that.
When they pulled apart, she was dizzy, and he held her steady.
They laughed at themselves for it, and after a moment she was content to stand for herself again.
She could not stop smiling, and she could see that he was the same.
They were happy, truly happy, and it was only going to grow from there. She was going to be a wife.
It had once been the very last thing she had once wanted to be, but now she wanted nothing more than for it to be her wedding day. She was in love, and that had changed her entirely.
And yet, she had never felt more herself.