Chapter 18 #2
This stirred another unknown feeling inside him, a rankling that was like an itch he couldn’t scratch.
The thought of her being courted by Mercer…
by anyone. He glanced up and stared at Clara at the other end of the table, tucking that strand of hair away again.
It just seemed so wrong that she should be married to anyone else.
Clara looked up suddenly. Gerald’s gaze snapped away. There was a sharp ache slicing through his mind, one that caused a sense of agony.
Agatha arrived at Clemont Hall later in the afternoon. Eleanor immediately captured her attention, and the two of them shared tea before Agatha decided she really must help Clara.
“Is Gerald not helping as well?” Agatha asked when she sank into a chair beside Clara and began gathering flowers.
“He was snipping stems all morning. I’m not sure where he is now. I assume he has some business to which he must attend,” Clara said.
Uncertain feelings shifted in her heart. Part of her was glad that he had stepped out of the room as it gave her space to breathe, but another part of her missed his presence. She had become so accustomed to it recently that now it seemed strange when he wasn’t around.
“Ah, at least he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Too many people think they can just throw money at a problem and that means they’re involved. There’s not enough grit,” Agatha said.
Clara thought she ought to be careful about what she said next, otherwise Agatha was liable to go on one of her rants about how the country was going to the dogs and the decline started with the current generation.
“Gerald seems like a man who has grit in abundance, much like Rose, I imagine.”
Agatha softened and smiled. She rocked back and forth a little.
“Ah yes, she was a formidable woman. I remember that plenty of people, mostly men, said no to her. But she kept beating down doors until they listened. Persistence is an underrated quality, my dear. One must keep trying, even when things seem impossible.”
“I shall keep that in mind, Grandmother. Would you mind passing me the daisies?”
Agatha ended up handing Clara the violets, but Clara didn’t comment on her mistake. Agatha would only have denied it happened.
“He does remind me of Rose. When there was something she wanted, she went ahead and pursued it with all her heart. Something tells me that he’s the same,” she said with a knowing look in her eyes that Clara tried her best to ignore.
“He must be. He is a successful man.”
“Successful, yes, but lonely,” Agatha nodded sagely.
“Lonely?” Clara asked, furrowing her brow and turning her head quickly. “I’m not sure I get that impression.”
Agatha chuckled. “Well, that’s probably because he’s not lonely in your company.
But otherwise… yes, he is. Can you not feel it in every room of this house?
I was speaking to Eleanor and she told me how happy she is that Gerald has found you.
He hasn’t courted anyone before, and removed himself from society.
She said he has a lot to offer and she’s pleased that such an impressive woman deems him worthy of her affection.
I felt quite awful and almost didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. ”
“You didn’t, did you?” Clara’s eyes flared and anxiety cloaked her words. Her heart beat more forcefully. Agatha waved a dismissive hand in the air.
“No, of course not. Once my word is given, it is as strong as steel,” Agatha said, and Clara breathed with relief. “However, it does make me wonder if something is transpiring between you two. I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”
“We don’t look at each other any differently than anyone.”
“Clara, do not deny the obvious to me. I have seen this story play out many times over, although perhaps not in this particular way. There is no catastrophe in it. In fact, it’s perfectly natural, the most natural thing in the world, some might say.”
“I fear your eyes may be deceiving you, Grandmother,” Clara said as gently as possible, even though her insides felt like iron.
“Or you are trying to deceive your heart. These matters are always the ones that are hardest to hide, and they’re often impossible to fight as well.”
“You are wrong, Grandmother. There is nothing to fight. Nothing at all.”
“If you say so, Clara. But tell me, would it be such a shame if love did flare between the two of you? It is hardly a transgression. You would not be committing any sin.”
Clara’s head dipped.
“The sin would be against my own ambitions. I do not seek marriage.”
“Perhaps it seeks you,” Agatha said quickly. Clara had to steady her tongue to prevent herself from lashing out at her grandmother.
“Even if it does, I do not need to welcome it. I am happy with my life as it stands. The work at the orphanage is rewarding, and I enjoy making commissions of my artwork. Perhaps my efforts at the benefit will draw more attention to my work, and I might be able to increase my renown.”
Agatha smiled softly. “You sound just like your Aunt Charlotte did when she was younger. I thought she would have proven to you that you can have it all.”
Clara paused, but decided not to tell Agatha her true thoughts. She served a purpose for Gerald. Once that purpose was fulfilled, he would have no further use for her, and then things would go back to the way they were originally. What was the sense in dreaming about anything different?
“Aunt Charlotte is a great inspiration, but she was fortunate to find Uncle Nathaniel. Gerald is different. He-”
“Is yours.”
“He is certainly not mine.” Clara shook her head vehemently.
“Nor shall he be. I understand you wish for everyone to find their happy ending, Grandmother, especially because yours was so long in the making, but being happy does not require marriage. There are many fulfilling elements in my life, and I do not wish for them to change.”
The smile faded from Agatha’s expression.
She drew her hands back to her lap, her usual carefree smile softening..
“You may not wish for that, but they will change. It is the fundamental nature of the world. People come in and out of our lives, the years turn like a wheel, and seasons change. There is a time for everything, Clara, and you will only grow frustrated and bitter if you do not embrace the change.” She smiled.
“Many people ask me how I can stay so alert at my age, and it is for this reason. Most people who reach my age rail against the world. They try so fiercely to keep things a certain way, but they are doomed to failure. It’s better to simply accept this and move with the tides.
You may not believe you seek love, but there is no harm in entertaining the notion, especially when a man like Gerald enters the scene.
If you do not seize this opportunity, then you are liable to regret it, and that is the biggest sin of all. ”
“Thank you for your wise words, Grandmother, but I assure you there has been a misunderstanding. There is no affection between Gerald and myself. It is simply a practical arrangement. I am only doing what’s best for the orphanage.”
Agatha reached across and grabbed Clara’s hand with surprising strength. She looked directly into Clara’s eyes, and for a moment Clara looked past the rheumy mist and saw the bright, focused stare of the young woman Agatha had once been.
“You must do what’s best for yourself, Clara,” Agatha emphasized these words so much that she started to shake. Clara nodded, quite shaken by the intensity with which Agatha spoke, and turned her attention back to the flowers.
Later that night, when in her own bed, Clara reflected on the conversation she shared with Agatha, as well as the feelings that were stirred up by Gerald’s presence.
It was difficult to even be in the same room as him now, such was the strength of their attraction.
She may not have been able to deny it to herself, so she tried her best to deny it to other people.
“This will pass,” she whispered, closing her eyes and embracing the comforting darkness. The season would end and she would be free once more.
Only now the thought of freedom was not as enticing as it had been. Would it truly have been so bad to be the Duchess of Clemont? The estate was vast, and the gardens were beautiful. Eleanor was a charming woman whom Clara was glad to call a friend.
It almost seemed wrong that she shouldn’t want to marry him.
Wouldn’t any sane woman want to be his Duchess?
Clara pinched the bridge of her nose as she wondered if there was something wrong with her, and then turned, wrestling with her emotions in the hope of subduing them so that she could fall asleep.