Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Clara was arranging flowers at Clemont Hall when Eleanor entered the ballroom.
Gerald had been called away on business, so Clara had not seen him all day. She wasn’t sure if this was a relief or not. She did miss his presence, even when they were standing in silence, her arranging flowers and him snipping the stems.
“Clara, might I steal you away from the flowers to help me choose a gown? I want to look my very best at the gala, and since you have done so well at choosing flowers that complement each other, I can only assume you must have a wonderful sense of style as well,” Eleanor said.
“I would be happy to,” Clara replied. They left the ballroom and went into Eleanor’s chambers, where various gowns and ribbons were displayed. Clara began to dismiss some at first sight, knowing they would not be flattering to Eleanor’s complexion.
“I very much enjoyed meeting your mother and father at dinner. It was a shame Beatrice could not attend. They spoke fondly of her.”
“Yes, unfortunately she had a prior engagement. Sometimes I wonder if I should worry that my younger sister’s social calendar is busier than mine,” Clara giggled, although there was more truth to her words than she would have liked to admit.
“I think we are both behind her in that regard, considering what I heard.”
“Indeed, Beatrice does love the company of other people. I’m sure she will fit right into the ton when she is ready for her debut. I believe she is much like Grandmother was at her age.”
“Your Grandmother makes it sound like such a magical time. It isn’t quite like that for me. Everything seems more challenging.”
“The ton offers some unique obstacles. It is not for everyone. I did not spend much time engaged with the ton’s events, certainly not as much as mother and father would have liked.”
“May I ask why?”
Clara pinched the hem of a violet dress and dipped her head.
“I spent all my life wanting to be a part of that adult world. I used to grow annoyed whenever I was taken to bed while the party continued, feeling as though I was missing out. But then I attended the events and I realized I had overestimated the excitement of the ton. People were more interested in gossip than in anything substantial, and all the of the men… well.”
“What about them?” Eleanor asked, leaning towards Clara. Clara examined another purple dress that was a lighter shade and a slightly different style than the previous one. She handed it to Eleanor, who took it behind a screen, accompanied by a maid.
“They were more interested in using me to make connections with my family. I was just a step to them, a bridge to bring them closer to more important people.”
“I have noticed that people are concerned with climbing the ranks of society. We must both be glad that my brother is not like that. Before he met you it was awful, Clara. Every event we attended he outshone me. Women flocked around him, each of them fluttering their eyelashes to try and catch his attention. Apparently he had become something of a myth in his absence, and as soon as he appeared again they all leaped on him, eager to snare him before he disappeared once more. Of course, that did not leave much room for me. I think he felt a little guilty, even though it wasn’t entirely his fault. ”
And that’s why he asked me to help him, Clara thought, although of course she did not say this out loud.
“I’m so glad he met you, and not just for that reason, of course,” Eleanor said as she emerged from behind the screen. She pinched the dress near her waist, making it flare at the sides. It billowed out as she twisted, creating a flowing motion.
“What do you think?”
“I think it’s wonderful, but do you not think perhaps a lighter shade would suit me better?” Eleanor asked.
Clara tapped her finger against her lips. She perused some of the other dresses and chose a sapphire dress. Eleanor’s eyes lit up when she saw it. She gladly took it behind the screen, and once again the maid helped her.
“What other reason do you have to be glad your brother and I met?” Clara asked.
“I’ve never seen him happier,” the disembodied voice floated above the screen.
“He has never looked forward to social events before, and I have never seen him smile this much. For a long time he has seemed burdened by life, as though everything weighs heavily on him and there is no enjoyment to be found whatsoever. There is a lightness to him now. I think it has been a great benefit for him to not work as much. Everything about him has been improved, and he has you to thank for that.”
“I… did not realize I had such a salutary effect.”
“Oh yes. I suppose you may not have seen it since you didn’t know him before. Has he made you feel that way too? Please say he has. It would be so romantic!”
“Yes,” Clara said hesitantly. “I was feeling somewhat adrift before I met Gerald, but he has provided much excitement.”
“I hope that I can find a man who makes me feel that way, and whom I can inspire to feel happier just like you have done with Gerald. It gives me great inspiration to see the love between the two of you flourishing before my eyes, and gives me an example of what I wish to strive for.”
“I am glad that you look upon us so favorably.”
“Of course. You are to be my sister, Clara. I have never had one before, and I am so glad we share a good rapport. Imagine that it will be this way for the rest of our lives!”
Eleanor emerged with a flourish from the screen.
Clara imagined it was the way a butterfly would emerge from its cocoon, so proud and curious about the new colors that it wished to display them.
So it was for Eleanor, who spun quickly and then stretched out her arms, showing every inch of her dress.
“It’s perfect,” Clara said, trying not to think about the last thing Eleanor said.
She would be hurt when the truth came out, there was no doubt about it.
Whenever anyone pinned this much hope on something that was not certain it almost undoubtedly ended in tears.
For Eleanor to vaunt Clara and Gerald as an inspirational example would prove to be a knife to her heart, and Clara could only hope that it would not provoke her to swear off love.
How would she feel when the example she held in such high esteem proved to be nothing more than a lie?
And it wasn’t only guilt that plagued Clara’s heart; there was a genuine sense of sorrow as well.
Over the course of her courtship with Gerald, she had grown fond of Eleanor, and it would have been a delight to treat her as a sister.
Just as with the children at the orphanage, she would have to release Eleanor from her heart as well.
It was starting to seem as though everything in her life was fleeting and nothing would ever settle, as though she was waiting for the spring sun to melt the pretty snowflakes she admired so much.
“Do you truly believe this is perfect?” Eleanor asked, her eyes gleaming. She approached Clara and clasped her hands tightly. A smile played on her lips.
“I do.”
The smile widened. Eleanor flicked back her golden hair.
“Good. I trust your judgment, Clara, and I know that you would never lie to me. I want to make such a good impression at this gala. It’s an important occasion, and I know that many esteemed gentlemen will be in attendance.
I might even meet my future husband. Perhaps our weddings will not be too far apart.
” Eleanor rocked back and forth on her heels, while her words bounced ebulliently into the air.
Clara’s heart sank.
Part of her wanted to admit the truth there and then.
It seemed like such an unkindness to lie to Eleanor’s pure heart, yet it was not her place to tell the truth.
That had to be Gerald’s decision. When this all came to an end Clara hoped that Eleanor would not hate her and Gerald too much, although it seemed inevitable that it would.
Clara hoped to say something that might buoy Eleanor’s confidence.
“I hope you do find the man you are meant to marry, Eleanor. You must remember that when it happens, the kind of love you experience will be unlike anyone else’s love, because it will be entirely unique to you.
Cherish it, and do not be deterred by any other relationships that end.
Just because it happens to other people, it does not dictate that it will happen to you as well. ”
“Thank you for the kind words, Clara. I can tell you are speaking from experience. I have been emboldened by all the stories I have heard. Your parents, Agatha and Theodore, and even Gerald… all of you evoke an admiration of patience, and it is that quality I wish to embody most of all. I shall wait for my husband, just as your mother waited for Alfred, and just as you waited for Gerald.”
Clara smiled, but offered nothing else in reply.
She clasped Eleanor’s hands tightly, and wished that she could reciprocate the feelings in truth.
Eleanor seemed to think that it was a foregone conclusion that Clara and Gerald would end up together.
Then again, Eleanor had not been privy to their private conversations.
She had not heard the silence that lingered over important questions.
Gerald seemed willing to break certain limitations, such as kissing, yet she was nothing more than a means to an end.
That was all she had ever been.
It was all she would ever be, and the sooner she made peace with that fact, the better.
At least she hadn’t kissed him. At least that.