Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Relief washed over Clara’s heart. The applause thundered around her. Agatha squeezed her tightly. Clara wasn’t entirely sure where to look.
“Miss Sterling, please, would you come up and say a few words?” Lord Ashcombe invited her, and she could hardly decline.
Clara pinched her dress and joined Lord Ashcombe, turning to face everyone.
There was only one face that truly mattered to her though.
Even with this many people gathered in one place she was still drawn to Gerald.
He loomed larger than all the others, and she had to make a concerted effort to not stare at him.
“First of all I would like to echo Lord Ashcombe’s gratitude.
We are so touched by your generosity. It’s something we at St. Margaret’s shall never forget.
I remember when I first learned of my grandmother’s involvement in St. Margaret’s.
When I walked through the doors I had a feeling that I was home, although I could not anticipate how much of a role it would play in my life.
I am proud to help these children, and after tonight you should all feel proud as well because you have played a part in ensuring their future.
If I may get serious for a moment, we must think about the children who have not yet arrived at St. Margaret’s. They are suffering all over London as we speak, and we must endeavor to take care of them. No child should ever feel they are alone.
Before I step away, I must make a personal thank you to the Duke of Clemont, who has honored his grandmother’s legacy.”
As she spoke these last words, Clara inclined her head and stared at Gerald.
People turned to applaud him. He gave a deferential wave of the hand.
It was a pleasant sentiment to end their association, she thought.
With the future of the orphanage secured, the season would soon be over, and there would be no more need for this pretense.
With people’s attention on Gerald, Clara slipped away.
She escaped through a side door and stood on the terrace, enjoying the cool air against her cheeks.
Her jaws ached from smiling and talking so much.
She was glad for the silence. Tilting her head back, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, telling herself that she was ready to let everything go.
The door opened.
The footsteps she heard were familiar. She would have known them anywhere. They made her heart skip a beat.
She almost didn’t want to turn. Why was he torturing them both like this?
“Clara,” he said. The word cut through the quiet in the air. It was just a name, and yet it was far more than that. It was charged with emotion. Her name had never been spoken with such strength, intensity, or pain before.
“I’m surprised you are here. Are you not afraid that I shall ruin you again?
” she spoke without looking around. There was a sharpness to her tone.
He closed the distance between them. Now he was standing directly behind her.
Clara’s eyes cracked open. She noticed the movement of his arm near her shoulder, but his hand hovered beside her arm, then it returned to his side.
“Do not mock me.”
“It is not my intention to mock you.”
“Why are you out here? I would have thought you would be in a celebratory mood given how everyone has been showering you with praise.”
“I find it overwhelming. I am not used to such occasions.”
“You should become used to them because you deserve this, Clara. After all you have done-”
Clara let out a dry laugh.
“Yes, I have done so much, as I always have,” she said softly.
Now he did turn her around. His strong hand rested against her upper arm and moved her to face him.
There was an intense look in his eyes. His lips parted, as though he was about to say something, but no words left his lips. Something silenced him.
Clara tilted her head to the side and searched his eyes.
She was about to ask him a question, but then he leaned in.
His other hand cupped her face. Her head arched back.
They were alone. This was dangerous. Neither of them acknowledged it.
The party was just a door away, and yet it might have been a whole continent.
Breath was stolen from her as he leaned forward.
The pressure of his lips was firm and warm and everything she wanted.
His fingers were soft against her cheek.
A gentle murmur rippled out of him, joined by one of her own.
Heat rushed to her cheeks. Her toes curled.
Her stomach swam. Her mind became heady, as though she was spinning.
Clara became lost in the kiss, but only for a moment. The rules returned to her mind with a sense of alarm. Not just society’s rules, but her own. She stepped back, summoning the courage to pull away from his kiss.
Gerald’s hand was left in the air, touching nothing but air now.
There was a puzzled look on his face. Clara couldn’t bring herself to say anything.
She pushed past him, touching her lips. She headed towards the refreshment table and brought a glass of champagne to her lips, but it did nothing to wash away the sensation of his kiss.
She drew back, taking in a deep breath, trying to compose herself. This had gone too far.
Too far.
She had quite lost herself, and it was merely the same story that had been told for the rest of her life.
Gerald was excited because she’d proven herself to be so impressive to all of these people.
He dared claim he was ruined when he was the one who did the ruining.
What did he believe would happen after that kiss? Why did he seek to torment her so much?
Clara turned and saw him return inside. He paused beside the door. He did not look in her direction. Instead, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and studied it intently for a few moments before he strode away.
Clara found the children and ushered them away from the party. They protested.
“You have been allowed to stay up far too late already,” Clara said. She led them to the rooms that had been assigned to them and tucked them in. She sat by their beds, not wishing to return to the party. In the end she fell asleep in the chair.
Her dreams were haunted by Gerald’s kiss.
The following morning, the guests who had been hosted overnight gathered for breakfast. Everyone was in high spirits, although Clara intended to return to St. Margaret’s as soon as possible.
If she had her way, she would have skipped breakfast, but the children were amazed at the feast, and she could not deny them the opportunity to have such a hearty meal.
Gerald was at the other end of the room, and Clara made sure to keep her distance.
It was only possible for so long.
Eventually he came to her.
“Will you join me for a walk? I wish to speak to you before you return to the orphanage,” he said. When she looked at him, Clara could see nothing but his lips. She could think of nothing but the kiss they shared. She could feel nothing but the weight of his lips against hers.
She clenched her jaw and tried to ignore the tightness of her throat. With other people in earshot, it did not feel polite to deny his request. Just as last night, he trapped her.
“Very well,” she inclined her head, then beckoned for a maid to join them.
Gerald held a door open, and they walked into the gardens.
The morning air was lively, the sun bright.
There were a few other people who were taking a morning constitutional to help digest their hearty breakfast. Clara and Gerald nodded as they passed.
The silence that hung between Clara and Gerald felt different than before. The kiss changed things irrevocably, as she knew it would. She kept her head lowered and clasped her hands together. She waited for Gerald to speak, which he did so after some time.
“I must apologize to you for last night. It was unbecoming of me, and I should not have lost control of myself like that,” he said.
“You broke my rule.”
“I understand, and you have my deepest apologies. I suppose the occasion must have gotten to me.”
“Indeed. You are fortunate that forgiveness is a virtue.”
“I tried to find you afterwards. I wanted to speak to you.”
“I took the children to bed. They needed help settling down after all the excitement. By the time they were asleep, I was tired as well.”
“I see. You left quickly.”
“Yes.”
“Have you heard any of the words I have spoken? I am still ruined, Clara.”
“It is I who have been ruined. That kiss should never have been taken. It was not a part of our agreement.”
“No, I suppose it wasn’t,” Gerald replied thinly. He clasped his hands behind his back. His words possessed a biting tone. He seemed annoyed, although Clara didn’t know what he had to be annoyed about. He was the one who held all the cards, after all.
“I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for the orphanage, for the children, for Agatha, for Eleanor, and for myself. It has been a most illuminating few weeks, and I can’t imagine how they would have unfolded without you.”
“You are quite welcome. We have all benefitted in some way,” she replied.
“I feel that now that the future of the orphanage has been secured, it would be a good time to bring an end to our agreement.”
“Are you sure? The season is not yet over.”
“No, but I believe the novelty of my return to society has worn off. Eleanor has had the chance to forge her own reputation. I believe the attention will be fully on her, as is only right.”
“If that is what you wish. I hope that she will find happiness.”
Gerald furrowed his brow and angled his body so that he was standing at her. “I would have thought you would be relieved. I thought you wanted a cessation of our agreement ever since it began. You are now free to choose whichever future you want.”
Free. It was a strange word. Clara wasn’t sure she knew the last time she truly felt free. Perhaps she never would again. It was all too complicated, this thing called life.
He was setting her free, like some animal that had served its purpose.
Now that he had accomplished his goal, he no longer needed her.
It was a reminder that everything had been such a hard, cold transaction from the beginning.
She was foolish to think that things could have been anything more.
She strove to rebuild the walls around her heart, ones that had begun to crumble.
“And what future do you see for yourself?” she asked.
“There is still much to do at Clemont Hall, and many duties awaiting my attention. If Eleanor attracts a suitor, then there may well be a wedding to plan as well.”
“It sounds as though you will have your hands full.”
“Yes, that is one way to look at it. However-”
His words were cut short as a couple approached.
Their names were Lord and Lady Pressley.
They greeted Gerald and Clara with warm smiles, engaging them in conversation about the previous night, while also complimenting Gerald on his gardens.
Clara stood beside Gerald with a polite smile on her face, not particularly inclined to contribute to the conversation.
Instead, she was thinking to herself that the kiss last night changed nothing.
Gerald was still a man of duty, a man whose future had been forged a long time ago.
This little agreement of theirs had been an aberration in his life, a sacrifice he made for his sister.
While his devotion to Eleanor was admirable, it was clear that he was eager to return to the way his life had been before he and Clara had met.
After all, she had ruined him apparently, so he would be eager to rebuild himself.
Was that what the kiss had been about? Was it a revenge upon her for the fact that she made his life difficult?
The man was petty. Perhaps if he had said something different, she might have been mollified, but his words had the air of a goodbye, and she did not want to prolong it.
As soon as Lord and Lady Pressley returned on their way, Clara turned to Gerald and spoke before he could say anything else that would make her feel bad.
“Thank you for your kindness. I do hope that life brings you everything you want. I’m sure that Eleanor will make a fine bride. I hope you are happy, Your Grace. Now, I must return and prepare the children for our departure.”
She turned immediately, her dress flowing in the air.
Without hesitation, she marched back to the house, not giving him a chance to say anything else.
There were no words that mattered anyway.
Everything between them had already been spoken, so why should she stand there and drown in even more anguish?
Clara blinked back tears as she entered the house. She forced a smile on her face as she gathered the children together, and drew Agatha away from a cluster of people who had gathered around her. She was in her element, and required a great deal of urging to leave.
When their carriage pulled away from Clemont Hall, Clara had mixed feelings.
In some ways it was a relief to put this matter behind her, but in another aspect she felt sadness tugging at her heart.
There were a few moments where things between her and Gerald could have been different, but the chance slipped away.
Some things just weren’t meant to be. Some things should not be hoped for.
At least she no longer had to pretend.