Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Gerald was sitting in his study, a glass of brandy in his hands. The fire crackled at a low heat, the air filled with a smoky scent. Eleanor breezed in and settled on a couch opposite him, her hands falling into her lap.
“When will Clara return? I wanted to get her opinion on some dresses. I hoped that the next time we attend an event together we could wear complementary gowns,” she said.
Gerald took a slow sip of brandy. It was time to reveal the truth. He didn’t take his gaze off the embers as he spoke.
“I’m afraid Clara isn’t going to come by again. That… is over,” he said. The finality of the words struck his heart like a hammer. They tasted bitterer than he thought they would. Even the taste of brandy wasn’t enough to wash them away.
Eleanor gasped, and her eyes widened. She leaned forward. “Why? What happened? If you have quarreled, I’m sure there is a way to make peace. Oh brother, what did you do?”
Gerald smirked.
“I find it telling that you believe the thought was mine.”
Eleanor drew back.
“Do you mean to say that Clara ended your courtship?”
“The courtship… never truly began. Eleanor, I must reveal something to you, and I hope you will not be angry. The truth is that I saw how difficult it was for you to be overshadowed by my presence. I didn’t want to be a distraction, so I asked Clara if she would pretend to court me.
I hoped that this would prevent others from lavishing attention on me, giving you the space to flourish. ”
“You lied to me. You both lied to me,” Eleanor said. “I thought she was my friend.”
“She was. She is. There was never any pretense about that, and she did express concern that you would be hurt by our actions. The fault lies with me. I was the one who suggested it, and I told her that I would only help the orphanage if she agreed.”
“Gerald!” Eleanor gasped, staring at him with such horror that he might well have just confessed to killing a man in cold blood. He felt just as wretched as though he had.
“I was going to help anyway, but I knew that she would never agree unless I held some leverage over her.”
“This is most unconscionable. I understand that you had my best interests at heart, but even so… to go to these lengths to deceive everyone. I truly believed that a proposal would soon follow. I thought we would soon need to plan for a wedding and that Clara would be like a sister to me.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint.” Gerald took another sip of brandy. “If it makes you feel any better, events have taken a grim toll on me. I have not come out of the situation unscathed.”
“In what way?”
“In the way that matters most terribly. In a cruel irony I fell in love with her, Eleanor.”
Eleanor gripped the edge of the couch. Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open.
“You love her? Well then why-”
“Because I wronged her,” Gerald said. “I asked her to lie to her family, friends, even to herself, perhaps. She thanked me for my kindness. She wished me happiness, and I know it must have taken a toll on her to leave without bidding you a proper farewell.”
“But I don’t understand. Did you not tell her how you felt?”
“I did more than that. I showed her. After the speeches at the benefit, I lost myself and I kissed her. I suppose that was an insult to her as well.” He rose from the couch and moved to the fire.
There, he picked up a poker and stoked the fire, moving the coals around.
Orange flames glowed a little more brightly.
“You kissed her?”
“I know. It was terrible of me. I simply could not help myself. She was radiant, Eleanor, and I was quite consumed by my feelings. Not that they matter now, of course. I shall just have to bury them deep inside me.”
Eleanor rose and stood beside him, pulling him around to look at her. She grabbed the glass of brandy from his hands and set it down with a thud on the mantlepiece.
“You shall do no such things. You cannot bury these feelings, Gerald. You went to such lengths to protect me, and in the process you found something real amid the lies. I saw the way you and Clara were with each other. There’s no doubt in my mind that you were in love!”
“You only say that because you have a romantic soul, Eleanor. I must inform you that not everything in life has a happy ending. She left, and that is the end of things.”
Eleanor licked her lips and had a thoughtful look on her face. Gerald sighed and reached for his brandy. At least Eleanor wasn’t upset about the deceit. He could drink with thanks to small mercies, he supposed.
“What exactly did you say to her in your last conversation?”
Gerald sighed and waved the glass of brandy in the air. “I thanked her for all she had done, and then I said that our agreement could come to an end. I saw no reason to keep her mired in deceit.”
“So you told her she could leave?”
“Yes. She asked me what future awaited me. I intended to tell her that I wanted her to be a part of my future, but we were interrupted before I could do so. Still, she must have known I felt this way from the kiss. I misjudged things, however.”
“Gerald, do you hear yourself?”
“I know, I sound rather pathetic, but please allow me to indulge my sorrow for a while. I shall not dwell on them for too long. I shall be back to my old self again.”
“No,” Eleanor said firmly, once again taking his brandy away.
This time she kept a hold of it. “You shouldn’t go back to the man you were before.
Clara made you the best version of yourself, Gerald.
I have never known you to be so carefree and happy.
While you were with Clara, duty was not at the height of your priorities.
You were happy, and if you feel this strongly for her, then you should not allow things to end like this. ”
“I cannot force her to feel things she does not feel,” Gerald said, a dry laugh running beneath his words. He reached for his drink, but Eleanor drew her hands away.
“I am telling you that she feels the same way as you. Think about what you told her. You said that the agreement had ended, and you cannot expect her to intuit what you meant to say, only what you did say. You need to be plain with her, Gerald.”
“I believed the kiss would be plain enough,” he said.
Eleanor rolled her eyes and huffed.
“Love should not be a guessing game. If a man kissed me but then was not straightforward with his feelings, would you be happy with his conduct? This is doubly true considering that you introduced things as a deceit in the first place. You must make it unequivocal, Gerald. Be honest with her, and then, once everything is out in the open, you can both make an informed decision. It might well be that you end up here again. If so, then I shall hand you this glass of brandy myself.”
Gerald smirked as he regarded Eleanor with a new appreciation.
“It is pleasing to see you growing up to be such a formidable woman,” he said. Eleanor arched her eyebrows, giving him the impression that he shouldn’t delay any longer.
Gerald whisked away. He changed his shirt and put on his best jacket, the one with shiny buttons. He smoothed down his hair and then summoned a carriage, and soon enough he was on his way to Clara’s residence.
Perhaps Eleanor was right, and he should have been more direct. Since he and Clara shared so much in common, he believed she would have been able to understand his feelings that remained unspoken, but perhaps that had been too much to hope for.
He must rectify things.
He must leave it all before her, presenting his heart as though it was an offering to the gods. Then, she could do with it as she wanted. Either embrace it, or throw it to the floor and trample it.
Gerald leaped out of the carriage as it was slowing. He stumbled as his feet hit the ground, but continued racing towards the house. He rang the bell and then hammered the door, losing his sense of decorum. A servant answered and showed him in. He waited in the sitting room, pacing back and forth.
Alfred appeared. His stare was cold.
“I’m surprised you would show your face here again, Your Grace.
” The last two words were uttered firmly.
Alfred adopted a wide stance as he met Gerald’s gaze.
An air of hostility emanated from him, far from the warm welcome Gerald had once received.
Gerald understood at once that Clara must have told her parents the truth about their arrangement.
Gerald placed his hands together and inclined his head.
“I apologize for any insult I have caused. May I speak to Clara?”
“You may not. Frankly, you should be surprised that I receive your company at all after what you did. You made a liar out of my daughter and a mockery of me. You lied to my face,” Alfred said.
His words grew sharper as he spoke. It was clear that he had taken great offence at Gerald’s actions. Gerald should not have been surprised.
“I do sincerely offer my most heartfelt apologies. I have proven myself to be quite a cad, and nothing can excuse my actions. However, I must make one thing clear. I did not lie to you, sir,” Gerald said, adopting a conciliatory tone and trying to be as accommodating as possible.
Alfred’s eyes bulged, and his puffy cheeks turned red. He made a scoffing sound as he rocked back on his heels.
“You are doing it again! I can see that lying comes as easily to you as breathing. Why, you are the devil, sir! If you need reminding, you told me that you intended to propose to Clara.”
“I did,” Gerald said, standing firm against the onslaught of Alfred’s ire. “And I stand by my words. The truth is that while this began as a lie, I developed genuine, deep feelings for Clara. Feelings I am still coming to comprehend. I did not think I would ever feel anything so deeply.”
Alfred narrowed his eyes and became more pensive. He stroked his chin, and when he spoke, the anger faded from his words, although he was still wary.
“You must understand that I find it difficult to believe anything you say.”