Chapter 22
“Ithink my eyes deceive me.”
“Mine as well. Unless we have crossed over into each other’s dreams.”
“Have I crossed into yours or have you crossed into mine?”
“I do not know. Either way, it would be the only explanation for what I am witnessing right now.”
Catriona ignored Ava and Maisie’s overdramatic mumbling at the sight of her sitting in the breakfast room. She sipped her tea and kept her eyes on her book.
“Come and eat,” Frederic, who was seated next to her, called, “and stop staring at your sister as if she is a curiosity that belongs in a fair.”
“Surely you cannot blame us,” Ava said as she made her way to the table. “It is simply because we did not expect her to be here, that’s all. And so early in the morning too.”
“Which only worries us,” Maisie tacked on. She did not bother to hide her concern. It was written across her pretty face. “This is quite out of character.”
“I missed you all,” Catriona tried to explain with a nonchalant shrug.
But she knew she was fooling no one. And it was only a matter of time before they began demanding answers, Frederic included.
He hadn’t said much when she arrived early this morning.
He’d simply taken one look at her and asked if she was hungry.
But she knew she was in for a talk, whether alone or with her sisters present.
For now, Catriona was content to act as if nothing were amiss.
As if she had not stayed up all night crying because she’d come to the realization that she was in love with a man who could never love her back.
As if she was not constantly consumed with sadness knowing that she would have to resign herself to a life of dissatisfaction.
Running off to Heaton Manor had been a temporary reprieve from her pain, but she knew she could not stay here forever.
Sooner or later, she would have to return to her duties as wife and duchess.
But for now, Catriona hoped to simply pretend.
The sound of playing dogs sounded in the corner. Gemma and Culver pranced around Nina, trying to get her to join in on the fun.
“How did you all enjoy Lady Blimington’s ball last night?” Catriona asked, desperate for conversation. At least that way, she could focus on something other than the concerned glances they were sharing with each other.
“It was quite nice,” Maisie said first, tentatively. “Rather entertaining, in fact.”
“Oh? How so?”
“Lord Wentworth is quite desperate to make Ava jealous, you see.”
“Oh, heavens,” Ava murmured just as Catriona raised her brows in intrigue and asked, “Is that so?”
Maisie poured herself a cup of hot chocolate as she nodded eagerly. “It was quite the scandalous display, Cat. I’m certain it would have been the talk of the ton had anyone caught wind of what was happening.”
“And he should be glad that we decided to help him save face,” Ava chimed in, a little vehement.
“How did you know that he was trying to make you jealous?” Catriona asked.
“Why, he said so, of course,” Maisie answered. She was clearly quite entertained by the turn of events. “He walked right up to Ava towards the end of the evening, with the stench of wine on his breath, and told Ava that she was quite cold-hearted.”
“And when I asked why,” Ava followed up, “he told me that he had been talking with Lady Belinda all evening in the hopes of making me jealous, but I had not even looked his way once! He was almost on the verge of tears, Cat.”
“It was quite the sight,” Maisie said with a giggle.
“I could not believe that I had nearly developed feelings for a gentleman such as he.” Ava shook her head in distaste. “Must he resort to trickery to garner my affection?”
“It would appear so,” Catriona answered. For the first time in what felt like ages, she could manage a smile.
Ava shuddered, visibly disgusted. “It only made it worse, I’m afraid. I was as kind as I could be in rejecting him but—”
“Kind?” Maisie gasped, and Frederic chuckled, showing that he was listening to the conversation rather than reading the newspaper he was holding. “You might as well have ripped his heart right out of his chest with your bare hands!”
“How… descriptive,” Frederic murmured.
Ava put her hand to her temples with a sigh. “I could have been nicer, couldn’t I?”
Maisie sighed, then looked at Catriona. “It would have been wonderful if you had been there. I’m sure you would have found the perfect words to reject his advances in his inebriated state without hurting him too much.”
“We didn’t see you at all after your dance with Joseph,” Ava pointed out. “Did you leave without him?”
It took everything in her body not to react outwardly to the mention of his name. “No, I was still there. I was not feeling very well, however, so I stayed in one of the adjoining rooms for nearly the remainder of the ball.”
“Oh, is that so?” Maisie’s hand touched hers. “Are you feeling better now?”
No. I feel as if I am on the verge of breaking into tears at any given moment.
She nodded instead, making a valiant effort to smile. “A little better, yes. Though a bit under the weather.”
“Is that why you left Irvin Manor?” Ava asked.
“Ava…” Frederic said in a warning tone which was quite unlike him. So unlike him in fact that Ava immediately clammed up, but the suspicion and worry in her eyes only deepened.
Catriona knew she would have to tell them everything. If not just to assuage their concerns but to unburden her own heart. But she couldn’t do it now. She wanted to at least get through breakfast without breaking out into tears after all.
Maisie must have sensed that because she changed the topic to something safer—Ava. “I am willing to believe that Lord Wentworth will call on you this afternoon,” she said to her sister.
Ava groaned in a rather unladylike manner. “Oh, dear heavens, I hope not.”
The conversation continued in that trend, and it helped. She could forget, just for a short while, all the burdens of her heart and consume herself with the lives of her sisters. It was familiar. It felt normal.
But thoughts of Joseph were never too far from her mind, lingering in the recesses for the moment she was not faced with distraction.
Facing it was quickly becoming one of her fears but for now, she simply pretended as if nothing had changed.
That she was still her sisters’ keeper and that she had never fallen in love with the Duke of Irvin.
“Tell us.”
Catriona knew this time would come, but she didn’t think it would be so soon. She’d only just left the breakfast room, hoping to find an empty room where she could let out the pent-up sadness before she started bawling in front of her uncle and sisters when they caught up to her.
Catriona looked between her sisters, who stood facing her with identical looks of determination, before she nodded. “Very well then.”
She said nothing else, walking off. She had no intention of having this conversation in the hallway, so she headed to one of the small parlors on the first floor and immediately claimed one of the sofas by the hearth. Nina plopped down at her feet.
Ava and Maisie were right on her heels, their determined looks now replaced with their previous concern.
“Cat, you’re worrying us,” Ava said. “This isn’t like you.”
“Yes, I don’t think I have ever seen you like this,” Maisie added.
Catriona had to admit that was true. She’d always made it a point of duty never to cry in front of her sisters.
She was the one who would do the comforting, not the one who would ever need comfort.
It was her job as the eldest sister to ensure that she kept her emotions in check so that she could be relied on, that they could go to her without worrying about her welfare.
But now, it felt as if she could not truly be open with them.
She sat there, staring at the floor in front of her, searching for the right words.
Nothing came. All it did was open her heart up, raw and gut wrenching pain seizing her at once.
The tears came unhindered, flowing down her cheeks before she could stop them.
A sob forced its way up her throat, and Catriona clamped her hand over her mouth to keep it in.
“Oh, Cat.” Maisie rushed to her side, wrapping her arms around Catriona’s shoulders.
The embrace only undid her. Suddenly, she could no longer hold it in.
It was nothing like last night when she’d cried as silently as she could into her pillow, hoping he would not overhear.
This was nothing like Lady Blimington’s ball where she’d constantly wiped her tears and pretended as if nothing were amiss, just in case someone was to walk in on her.
This consumed her body and soul. It came from a place deep within, unexplainable, yet transcended every other mortal plane, overrode every thought. At that moment, the only thing that existed was Catriona’s pain and tears. Nothing else.
She didn’t know when Ava joined her on her other side, when both her sisters embraced her with tears of their own.
She didn’t realize that her sobbing had caught Nina’s attention as well, and it was making her so distressed that her dog was crying too, paws on her lap in a desperate attempt to get closer to her.
Only when the fog cleared and her tears slowed did she finally feel a part of the world again.
“I’m sor—”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Ava snapped, her voice clogged with emotion. “You have no reason to apologize for letting it all out.”
“We’re the ones who are sorry, Cat,” Maisie said with a sniffle. “We didn’t know that you were holding all this in.”
“How could you have known when I hadn’t realized either?” Catriona pulled away slightly, wanting to pull herself together. Her head was starting to ache, and she suddenly felt so exhausted it took everything in her not to lie down and close her eyes.
“What is this all about?” Ava wiped her face free of tears. “Is Joseph to be blamed? Did he hurt you?”
“No, no, not at all,” Catriona said quickly. “At least, not intentionally. None of this is his fault. I am the one to be blamed.”
“I sincerely doubt that,” Ava snapped, but Catriona knew her anger was not directed at her. “How could he let you leave in this state? Does he even know that you’re here?”
“I left quite early, so I’m not certain. I left a note in my bedchamber.” But Catriona couldn’t honestly say that she was certain he would find it. He might not even notice her absence at all. “And I do hope he does not know that I am in such a debilitating state.”
“Why not?” Ava demanded to know. “He is your husband. Shouldn’t he be aware if something is wrong?”
“Not if he is the cause of it,” Maisie murmured. When Catriona looked at her, her youngest sister was observing her with realization dawning in her eyes. “Catriona… have you fallen in love with him?”
The question hit her harder than she thought it would. She couldn’t bring herself to respond with words. It was taking all her strength not to burst into sobs again, her bottom lip wobbling with the force of her restraint, tears continuing to stream down her face. All she did was nod.
“Oh.” Ava deflated. “Oh dear.”
“I have made quite the mess of things, haven’t I?
” Catriona managed to say. She wiped her face even though it was useless.
It seemed she had an unending wealth of tears.
“The only reason we married in the first place was because I was certain I would be able to meet his demands. He did not want anything but a marriage of convenience and even that I failed at.”
“Oh, Cat, you aren’t to be blamed for that,” Maisie quickly assured her. “He is your husband. It is not hard to believe that you would develop affection for him if you two are living under the same roof.”
“And it was quite easy to see that you two had a connection,” Ava added with an encouraging smile. “I am not at all surprised that this has happened.”
“You two don’t understand,” Catriona said with a soft sigh.
“I cannot love him. I simply cannot. Affection is one thing and having a connection with him is another. But love is on a plane that I never should have touched. Especially a love as all-consuming as this one. Because he can never love me back.”
“You don’t know that,” Maisie began, but Catriona was already shaking her head.
“I do know that. His actions and his words are aligned on that fact. I would be quite delusional to assume otherwise. I love him, and he will not return my feelings.”
Both sisters were silent, clearly out of their element.
There was nothing they could say to make her feel better, however.
This was not a fixable situation. The only thing Catriona could hope to do was fall out of love with him or give herself time to get used to the fact that he could never return her feelings.
But how long would that take? Months? Years?
“I’m sorry, Catriona,” Ava said at last. “I wish I knew the right thing to say.”
“There is no right thing to say,” Catriona said softly. “That is, sadly, the reality of my situation. There is nothing I can do but accept it.”
“Are you certain that he does not return your affections?” Maisie insisted. “When I watch you two, I cannot help but think that—”
“Maisie,” Ava spoke before Catriona could. “Enough. I don’t think that is helping.”
Maisie deflated but nodded. Catriona understood where she was coming from. Her youngest sister was the hopeless romantic after all. The one capable of finding a positive light in every dark situation. If anyone were to hold on to the hope that Joseph might grow to love her back, it would be Maisie.
Catriona, on the other hand, had let go of that idea since last night. Joseph had kissed her, yes. But that was it. He did not love her. He did not want to love her. And hoping for that love was going to make her feel worse.
She shifted, lying on her side. She rested her head in Ava’s lap, and Maisie shifted down, letting her rest her feet on hers.
Catriona let the exhaustion claim her as she closed her eyes.
Sleep, hopefully, would be a break from her overwhelming emotions.
She needed her to regain her strength to face the rest of the day.
Heaven knew she would crumble to a million pieces without it.