Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
“I’m so glad you could visit,” Lydia said.
“Edmund was keen to have a break from London, and I do miss you dearly,” Rose replied, squeezing Lydia’s arm.
They were sitting in the garden. It was not as lush as the one she was used to at home, but there were leafy fronds and long hedges and beds filled with colorful flowers that spread a sweet aroma through the warm air.
Birds chirped all around while servants went about their business near the house.
John was in his pram. Lydia was moving him back and forth gently.
“How is London?” Lydia asked. It was an innocuous question on the surface, but she meant something deeper by it.
“Same as always. The ton keeps moving. There are balls and galas and all kinds of events. And of course, people talk,” she said, her voice turning sober.
“I assume this matter is still on their minds.”
“For the moment, yes. I have tried to do what I can, but it seems as though people are keen to believe what they want.”
“As they always are. I never thought I would be subject to such scandal. I used to listen to all the talk and wonder how anyone got themselves into those kinds of situations. Now, I realize that it may not have been through any fault of their own. I feel guilty for blaming them. The ton is to blame. If they would just listen to the truth…” Lydia felt herself starting to tremble again.
Anger prowled in her stomach like a panther.
She turned towards John as looking at him always comforted her.
“When has the ton ever been concerned with the truth? All they want is entertainment, and they’re happy to turn their backs on everyone. They do not care, as long as the scandal is happening to someone else.”
“It’s not fair,” Lydia said quietly.
“No, it isn’t, but the important people know the truth,” Rose assured, squeezing Lydia’s hand and offering a reassuring smile. “But let us not speak of London. How are things with the Duke? Has he at least been cordial?”
Lydia blushed and averted her gaze, thinking about the moments when they had been close. She was normally unguarded with Rose, but even so, it was difficult to share these feelings that she did not quite understand herself.
“Things have not been as intolerable as I thought they might be,” she conceded.
“He is a difficult man, but I suppose it was quite an adjustment for both of us. At first, he seemed distant and uninterested, but recently, he has shown more of an interest in John, and we have been able to discuss things openly.”
“That is wonderful to hear. I know you were upset about the way matters unfolded. Edmund does feel utterly dreadful that there was no other way, but this is much better than being in a nunnery, you must agree.”
“Perhaps,” Lydia sighed, “although I do not yet know what the future holds.”
Rose leaned in and lowered her voice. “Do you think there might be a chance for you and Victor to grow closer?”
Lydia blushed. “I’m not sure he is interested in such a thing. He does not hold much respect for romance.”
“And what about you? Are you interested?”
“I… I must confess that I do not know. Rose… I find myself troubled. I should hate Victor for the way this situation has unfolded and for ruining my chances of true love, but even so, there is something that makes me feel strange inside. There are moments when we have been close, and I find myself unable to tear my gaze or my thoughts away from him. It is most terrible, and I can only think that it is a symptom of my fatigue.”
“It might well be a symptom of something else. Lydia, is it possible that you are falling for your husband?”
“Absolutely not,” Lydia said, aghast. Deep down she feared that Rose’s question might be pertinent, but she did not wish to accept that fact readily.
“Would it be such a grim fate? Victor is a… striking man.”
“That is certainly one way to put it. I admit he is handsome, but his attitude is brash and curt, and he always wants things done in a particular way. It has been heartwarming to see him take more of an interest in John, but I don’t think he was the type of man born to love someone. I’m not sure he understands it at all.”
Rose laughed at this although Lydia knew she did not mean this in a mocking way.
“I think that is true for us all. I never understood love before I met Edmund. And while I know that you consider yourself an expert because of all the books you’ve read, those are just books. Living it, feeling it, are entirely different things.”
Lydia nodded absently.
“Victor’s uncle, Theodore, expressed a similar attitude. Apparently, Victor was always the type of person to observe things rather than experience them.”
“Then that is something you have in common.”
“I have never been shy of facing new experiences,” Lydia recoiled.
“You have when it comes to love. You have never been willing to let anything grow naturally. As soon as anything falls short of your expectations, you dismiss it, and nothing has ever been able to meet your expectations.”
Lydia lifted her head, pointing her nose into the air.
“There is nothing wrong with having standards.”
“There is when they are impossible to meet,” Rose replied. “If nothing else, this will show you what a real relationship is like. Need I remind you that I have read all the same books as you?”
“No, you don’t need to remind me of that,” Lydia said. She was becoming frustrated with the course of the conversation and sought to change the subject. “How is the book club? I hope you expressed to everyone how reluctant I was to leave.”
“The book club is as it ever was although the discussion is not as lively without your contributions. In truth, I have been thinking about leaving.”
“What? You can’t leave. It has been such a constant in our lives.”
“It has, but I find that it was only enjoyable when I could experience it with you. It’s not the same, even with your grandmother coming along.”
“Grandmother? I did not think she had the patience for books. She always said that none of them are as interesting as her life.”
Rose pressed her lips together, and her voice was weighed down by frustration.
“Indeed, and she makes no secret of that. Instead of discussing the books, she speaks about similar incidents from her past although I’m not sure how many of her stories are true.
I do not believe there has been enough time for her to meet all the people she claims. We end up ignoring the book entirely, and it becomes more of a forum for Agatha to speak. ”
“She never showed an interest in the book club before. I wonder what changed.”
“I think she is just bored. With you and Charlotte both married, she finds herself at a loose end. She has even offered to mentor young women although none have yet taken her up on the offer. I believe that she simply wants to attend balls and relive her youth. We attend far fewer events now that you are not seeking a husband.”
Lydia nodded and adopted a pensive expression. “I wonder if she is lonely. It’s funny actually, but Victor’s uncle revealed that he had once been in love with Grandmother.”
“Really?” Rose gasped.
“Yes. It must have been some years ago. Theodore told me he had been a young man and that he loved Grandmother dearly, but she chose another path.”
“It shows how little things have changed. There was still drama even then. I wonder if Agatha was as troubled as us,” Rose chuckled.
Lydia wore a mirthful smile. It was strange to think that at one time her grandmother had been a young woman, the diamond of the Season, shining brightly and flashing smiles at various suitors she attracted.
“Somehow, I doubt it. She revels in the ton in a way we never did. Sometimes I wished I paid more attention to the lessons she tried to teach me. But I wonder if I should try to reunite her and Theodore. It might be nice for them to reminisce.”
“Did Theodore express an interest?”
“No, in fact he wanted the opposite. He seemed to want to leave the past behind. But I think it might be nice for them to speak about the past.”
“Older people do enjoy doing that. I suppose we shall be the same one day.”
“I’m not sure I will want to revisit this period of my life,” Lydia said glumly.
“Oh come, it is not all bad. Perhaps a seed of affection is beginning to bloom. It may not be too late for you to find the love you crave. Look at Edmund and me. I had no intention of falling in love with him, yet I did. In some things we are helpless. The fates decide the yearnings of our hearts.”
“Perhaps that is what I am afraid of. I’m not sure I want to fall in love with Victor. It feels as though I am admitting defeat, surrendering everything I want in life. And how will I know that I love him? How can I be sure that I am not just settling to make the best of the situation?”
“You will know in your heart. I did exactly the same with Edmund. You remember how stubborn I was, how sure I was that I would never be married. I wanted to be a spinster, but look at me now! I couldn’t imagine being anything but Edmund’s wife.
Life is all about meeting the right person, and Victor might well be the right person for you, even if you don’t realize it yet. ”
Lydia sighed. While she understood the wisdom in Rose’s words, she was not ready to accept them as truth and kept telling herself that their situations were entirely different.
Edmund and Rose’s courtship began with Edmund trying to protect her while Lydia and Victor’s marriage began with her being condemned.
And at least Rose had a choice whether to marry Edmund or not.
Although these thoughts were strong in her mind, Lydia did not give voice to them as she did not wish to squabble with Rose. Instead, she sighed and leaned over the pram to check on John, who had his eyes open, gazing up at the vast open sky.
“All this talk is immaterial anyway. Our marriage is only temporary. We just need to find John’s parents,” Lydia said.
“I’m sure you are running a fine tooth comb over London, but what happens if you never find the parents?” Rose asked.
“Then Edmund will have to feel guilty for the rest of his life, for he will have condemned me to a marriage I did not want,” Lydia said. Her tone was sharper than she intended, but she did not apologize for it. Rose fell silent.
“There is something regarding John’s parentage that I need to confide in you although you must keep it to yourself,” Lydia continued, lowering her voice.
“Of course,” Rose replied.
“And I mean it. What I am about to say, you may not even share with Edmund. It must stay between us,” Lydia added, her voice becoming even more frayed by nerves. Rose wore a look of concern and tilted her head. She adjusted her position, angling her body towards Lydia.
“Lydia, we have been friends for so many years. You know you can trust me. But what is this matter of such importance?”
“Will you do me a favor? Can you peer into the pram and tell me what you see?”
Rose looked at Lydia strangely but did as she asked.
“I see John.”
“And does he remind you of anyone?”
“I’m not entirely sure.”
“So, he does not remind you of Victor?”
“Victor? Why should he- Oh,” Rose said, interrupting herself as she comprehended the meaning of Lydia’s words. “You suspect he is the father?”
“I do. I cannot ignore the fact that John was left in Victor’s chamber with a blanket bearing the family crest swaddling him. It feels as though the mother was sending a message.”
“And what does Victor say about this?”
“He denies it of course. He claims that it was just a coincidence, but then again, he would say that if he wanted to keep an affair with a maid secret.”
“Then again, he could be telling the truth.”
“He could… but he has every reason to lie. He believes scandal is the worst thing that can befall a person. He might even think that it is a fate worse than death. What if he had a lapse in judgment and sired a child with a woman below his station? Now, he has a wife and someone to care for John. He can present an air of respectability. I fear this may all be a trap, and I have been ensnared.”
As Lydia spoke about this matter, she found herself getting more agitated. Her chest was tightening, and her words were leaving her lips so swiftly, they threatened to collide in the air. Nausea swam in the pit of her stomach and even staring at John did not comfort her.
Rose leaned back and turned to Lydia. She moved her hand to Lydia’s shoulder and looked her deeply in the eye.
“Lydia, I have never known you to be so paranoid before. This is unlike you. What you say is possible, but is it true? Would the Duke really go to these lengths?”
“I don’t know,” Lydia said then repeated the words, and they became a sob. “I don’t know him well enough. In so many ways, he is a stranger to me, and I cannot trust that he would not do such a thing.”
“You have asked him, and he has given you an answer. There is nothing more you can do. I would not go seeking conspiracies when your life is complicated enough already. Trust your instincts, not your fears. You will find a way through this Lydia, and I still believe you will find happiness.”
“That makes one of us at least,” Lydia said, before pressing her fingers against her eyes. “I’m sorry, Rose. I do not mean to be so troubled or wearying; it’s just that I have had nobody with whom I can share these concerns, and now, they are all spilling out at once.”
“It’s quite understandable, Lydia. This is why I am here.
You know that I will always be there for you, even if it takes us a little longer to see each other than it used to.
And please, write me letters as often as you can.
Just promise me that you will allow the facts to guide you, not your feelings.
Now, let me see John properly. I feel he may want to leave the pram. ”
Lydia reached over and lifted John out. He stretched his body and blinked as he emerged from the shadow into the bright light. Lydia held him tightly for a moment and smiled, kissing his forehead and breathing in the scent of him before passing him to Rose.
“You are a big boy!” Rose exclaimed as she stood up and cradled John in her arms, pointing to the trees and the birds and everything else around them. Lydia pushed herself up, and they took John for a walk around the garden. This helped alleviate the despair that settled in Lydia’s heart.
She had hoped that speaking to Rose would allay her fears, but instead they had only risen and became more threatening. While Rose held John, Lydia kept looking at the baby from different angles, gauging his resemblance to Victor if any.
But she also wondered if she was seeking a reason to be angry with Victor, seeking to put distance between them as her unwanted feelings made things ever so confusing.