Chapter 10
“Tonight is going to be such fun,” Marina enthused. “My first ball since beginning to be courted by Gilbert! We’re going to dance all night!”
“Just remember to take some breaks and dance with other people,” Susan reminded her sister. “It’s not appropriate to dance with one man all night long.”
“Oh, I know, but he’s the only one I really want to dance with,” Marina said. “Just as I’m sure you only want to be in the arms of the Duke tonight. We’ll do what we must for the sake of propriety, but there’s only one person I’m yearning to dance with. You feel the same way, don’t you?”
Susan smiled vaguely, but didn’t answer. For the sake of the act she and Norman were putting on, of course, she had to behave as though what Marina was saying was the truth. She had to pretend she had no thought in mind but the sheer joy of being in the arms of the man she was falling in love with.
The truth, of course, was a great deal more complicated than that.
She could no longer claim that her interest in Norman was purely about fulfilling their agreement to one another.
The fact was, she had begun to find his company engaging.
She liked spending time with him, and she would enjoy tonight, if only for the fact that she knew there would be more interesting conversation.
Talking to Norman was fascinating. He was one of the more stimulating conversation partners she’d ever had—he always seemed to keep her guessing.
The sisters walked up the stairs into Sutherland Manor, where they were presented to the Earl and the Countess. Once they’d made their greetings, they walked into the ballroom and looked around.
“It’s all so beautiful,” Marina said admiringly.
“It certainly is,” a voice spoke up.
Susan turned. There he was—Norman, dressed more fashionably than she had ever seen him. His shirt was starched and pressed, and his waistcoat fit him snugly, letting her take in the shape of his torso. She sucked in a breath as she realized just how attractive she found him.
This is going to be a very interesting night.
He held out his hand to her. “Lady Marina,” he said. “Do you mind if I borrow your sister for a turn?”
“Oh, not at all,” Marina agreed breathlessly. “You should keep her as long as you’d like, Your Grace.”
Susan wanted to toss a dirty look at her sister for giving her up so easily, but where would be the justification for such a thing? I’ve done this to myself, after all. I’m the one who made her believe I harbored affection for this man. Now she’s just trying to help me.
Norman took her arm and led her out onto the dance floor.
As the musicians began to play, he took her in his arms, and she was reminded of what a good dancer he was.
Her heart skipped a beat. He was handsome, well-dressed, holding her in his arms and leading her through the dance, and he was doing it extremely well.
This was the perfect picture of what it would look like to fall in love.
But I’ll never fall in love. I know the dangers involved in something like that.
I know what happened to my own parents because they were foolish enough to trust the idea of love.
It’s real for Marina—I can believe that.
But she’s the rare one. It’s not real most of the time, and it certainly isn’t real for me and Norman—especially since we’ve agreed that this isn’t going to be real.
She had to keep her wits about her. It wasn’t a good idea to allow herself to fall into romantic ideas about what this might mean. Even though dancing with a handsome man was a lovely fantasy, that was all it could ever be.
“You look beautiful tonight,” Norman commented.
Susan looked up at him. “You don’t need to do that,” she said. “Nobody can hear us now.”
He smirked. “I’m not saying it for show,” he said. “I can recognize beauty when I see it. It’s a lovely gown. Is it new?”
“It was my sister Leah’s,” Susan said. “But it was tailored to make it more fashionable, and to fit me better. Father had it done when our engagement was finalized—he said that if I was to marry a duke, I would need something appropriate to wear for my new life.”
“You know, it’s odd,” Norman said. “That sounds like he’s being kind, and yet I get the feeling it wasn’t kindness at all.”
“It wasn’t,” Susan agreed. “His point was that I would need to dress up in something fancy in order to be worthy of the title of duchess.”
Norman snorted. “It’s not for your father to say who’s worthy of the title,” he said. “The title goes to my wife, and it’s for me to choose.”
“But you agree with him,” Susan pointed out. “You don’t think I would make a good duchess.”
“I never said that,” Norman objected. “I think you would be a fine duchess. You and agreed together that we wouldn’t make a good husband and wife to one another—it’s nothing to do with your fitness as a duchess.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Unless you’re changing your mind now?”
“Of course not,” she said hastily. “I’ll never change my mind.”
His eyes went wide, and she realized that had sounded harsher than she had meant it to. “It isn’t about you,” she said quickly. “It’s what I told you before. I don’t wish to marry at all, and it’s not something I’ll ever do.”
He pressed his lips together. “You really mean it.”
“Of course I mean it. You didn’t think I meant that?”
Norman slowed his pace slightly, as if he had lost interest in the dance and was now just going through the motions.
“I suppose I knew you thought you meant it,” he said.
“But I also thought… how could any woman truly not wish to marry? I suppose a part of me believed that you were only saying it out of a wish to protect your self-confidence.”
“And that’s why you told my father that you thought I would make a good wife,” she realized. “You thought, deep down, that I would choose to marry someday in the future.”
“I still think you will,” he admitted. “You may not realize it yet, but you’re young.”
“I’m not that young,” she glowered, drawing back from him.
“You know, when I first met you, I was pleased to see that you weren’t as old as I feared you would be.
I thought my father might have arranged for me to marry someone much older than myself, because all he really cared about was making a match for me.
You’re older than me, yes, but not so much so that I was shocked by it.
But now I see that I should have been, because you’re incapable of showing me the respect I’m due. ”
“I’m not being disrespectful,” Norman countered. “But surely you can admit that a person gets to know themselves better as they get older.”
“Yes, but in this way I know myself very well. I will not marry. I will never want to marry, and I never will. The only reason I even considered it was to get myself out of my sister’s way, and now that that matter has been resolved, there’s no reason for me to put my neck in that noose.”
“Well, that’s very dramatic,” Norman scoffed.
“Marriage is a dramatic thing,” Susan said firmly. “There’s no reason a person should enter into it lightly.”
“But for a young lady, it’s more dramatic by far to refuse marriage,” Norman said.
“For a gentleman, it might make sense to choose solitude, but for a lady…” He shook his head.
“This is the reason I couldn’t quite manage to believe what you were telling me, you know.
How can anybody choose the life of a spinster?
It has to be that you don’t wish to marry me, or perhaps that you don’t wish to marry at this time in your life.
I wish you would be honest about your true feelings. ”
Susan pulled away from him. “I thought you understood me,” she said sharply.
“I was truly beginning to like you, Norman, even though I’m in agreement with your assessment of our compatibility.
I thought you had respect for me. But now I can see that you’re just like everyone else.
You look at a young lady, and all you can see is someone who ought to marry as quickly as possible.
” She shook her head. “I really thought I was going to like you.”
Norman scowled. “You can’t speak to me that way in public,” he said firmly. “You understand, don’t you, that we’re putting on the appearances we are for my benefit as well as yours? I’m not just doing this out of a desire to help you out. I need our arrangement to reflect well on me.”
But Susan didn’t feel capable of keeping up the act at the moment. “I think I should take a break from dancing,” she said. “I’m going to go find my sister and have a drink of water. I’m a bit tired.”
She turned and hurried away from Norman before he could say anything else.
Why had it disturbed her so much to find that he had misunderstood her?
What difference could that possibly make to her life?
She didn’t know. After all, it wasn’t as if the two of them meant to have an ongoing relationship.
And yet, she felt almost betrayed by him.
She had thought they were in this together, and now she was being forced to accept that he had never truly known who she was.
She scanned the assembled partygoers, looking for her sister. If only she could confide openly in Marina about all this! She longed for the days when she had been able to tell her sister everything.
She saw Gilbert before she saw Marina, his short stature standing out amongst the taller gentlemen of the ton. She started toward him. Surely he would know where Marina was—
But he was walking away from her, out the doors that led to a patio. She frowned. What was going on?
Hurrying forward, she made to follow him out onto the patio. He would be able to tell her where Marina had gone, surely? Susan felt a twinge of guilt for having left her sister alone. She should have made sure that Marina had someone with her…
She froze.
Marina was already out on the patio. By the looks of things, she’d been standing out there and waiting for Gilbert. When she saw him, her face lit up, and she hurried forward and embraced him.
Their hands joined.
Susan’s heart pounded. What had she walked in on? It looked as if something inappropriate might be happening—what was her sister doing out here without a chaperone, alone with a man? Even if the man in question was courting her, this shouldn’t be happening.
Behind her, she heard a gasp. “Isn’t that Lady Marina?”
Her heart plummeted. She didn’t turn to see who had spoken. She hurried forward, joining her sister and Gilbert on the patio.
Marina’s eyes widened at the sight of her, which was all Susan needed to convince her that she had been right—Marina was doing something wrong, and she knew it.
“Susan!” she stammered.
Susan took her sister firmly by the arm and led her away. “Good evening,” she said to Gilbert. “We’ll speak to you soon.”
As she led Marina through the crowd, she heard whispers, hushed and accusatory. So people had seen. The rumors were already beginning to spread. And there was nothing to do but to get Marina home as quickly as possible and try to mitigate the damage as much as they could.
Perhaps I was wrong to trust Gilbert, Susan thought ruefully. Perhaps all men really are the same, and love is never real.
She didn’t want to believe it. She’d wanted to think that her sister’s situation was different. Special. If love could ever be real for anyone in the world, surely it could be real for Marina.
But if the man who was supposed to love her couldn’t even be cautious when her reputation was on the line…
Well, how could anyone be trusted?