Chapter 12
No one came looking for Susan for the rest of the day.
She expected someone to come and find her as the afternoon shifted to evening.
She thought she would be summoned to dinner, or even that her father might want to scold her some more for leaving Marina on her own to get into trouble at the ball.
If he did, she decided, she would accept it.
Everything was such a mess that she might as well take a reprimand for it.
But he didn’t come.
No one came.
By the time it grew dark outside, Susan knew she had to go back into the house. Since it was apparent no one had been searching for her, she felt a bit of hope. Maybe she would be able to get by her family without being stopped. Maybe she would be able to make it to her bedroom in peace.
At first, things seemed promising. The foyer was empty. She could hear the sounds of someone having dinner in the dining room, and as she slunk by, she held her breath. If she was going to be caught, this would be the moment.
But no one called out to her. No one stopped her or said anything at all.
Susan breathed a sigh of relief and nearly skipped up the stairs to her bedroom—she’d made it. She would be able to spend the rest of the night on her own, pondering her thoughts. She opened her door—
“Oh, there you are, Sue,” a meek voice said.
It was Marina. Of course it was. She was sitting on the edge of Susan’s bed, her hands neatly folded in her lap. She looked on the verge of tears.
Under any other circumstances, on any other day, seeing her sister about to cry would have moved Susan. She would have rushed to Marina’s side, embraced her, and tried to reassure her.
Right now, though, she simply didn’t have it in her.
Why did Marina need to be comforted? Nothing was going to change for her.
She would still get just what she wanted.
She would be able to marry Gilbert. She was just going to have to wait a little while, until all the uproar died down.
But a year from now, Marina’s life would be on track, just as she had wanted it to be.
For Susan, on the other hand, everything had been destroyed.
She knew she had to try to be gracious. After all, Marina didn’t know the extent of what she had done. She didn’t know that Susan had never intended to marry Norman at all, and that her actions had fundamentally affected her sister’s life.
Still, she ought to have known better.
Susan sighed, came into the room, and sat down. Marina was still her little sister. It was difficult to remain angry with her. “Have you bene waiting for me in here?”
“All day,” Marina said. “I came up right after breakfast. I thought you must have come here—but you hadn’t.”
“I didn’t want to be found,” Susan said. “I wanted some time to be on my own.”
“That was what I guessed,” Marina said. “So I decided to wait. I thought you would be along before too much time went by. But you weren’t. And then I didn’t know what to think. I can tell you’re angry at me. I wish you would talk to me about it.”
Susan looked at her sister. “You want me to talk to you about it? What do you want me to say?”
“I just wish I understood why you’re so angry,” Marina said, her voice shaking slightly. “You know I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I just wanted to spend a few moments with Gilbert, that’s all.”
“But you know better than to do that, Marina,” Susan sighed.
“You’re old enough and smart enough to understand that you can’t just do whatever you want all the time.
Actions have consequences. I think you’re thinking it doesn’t really matter that you put your reputation at risk, because your future is set.
That’s the way you see it, right? Nothing very bad can happen to you because you know what the future looks like. ”
“I don’t mean to be arrogant,” Marina said.
“But it’s true, isn't it? I know what lies ahead. I have no doubt that Gilbert will wish to marry me, and that what happened at the ball won’t affect that one way or the other.
Father is being controlling about timing right now, but nothing is really going to change.
I’m going to marry Gilbert, and you’ll marry the Duke, and everything will be as it should. Isn’t that right?”
Susan shook her head. “It isn’t that simple, Marina.”
“But why not? I know you said the Duke didn’t wish to marry quickly, but you don’t think he’ll protest it, do you? He’s so obviously taken with you, Susan. I think he’ll be happy to move things up a bit, even if he doesn’t realize it.”
“He won’t be,” Susan said. “Believe me. I know him better than you do, and this is the last thing he’s going to want.”
“I’ll apologize to him, then,” Marina said. “I’ll make sure he understands that it’s my fault.”
Susan bit her lip. “Marina… the truth is, I never meant to marry the Duke at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“He and I came to an agreement the first time we met,” Susan said.
“He wanted the legitimacy of having a known lady of the ton engaged to wed him, and of course I wanted Father to allow you to go ahead with your own wish to marry. It isn’t fair that you should have to wait for me.
I wanted to step aside for you. But I didn’t want to be married to the Duke, and he didn’t especially want to be married to me—so the two of us came to an agreement.
We decided that we would pretend to go ahead with the engagement for as long as it took to get you to the altar, and then we would simply break it off. ”
Marina gasped. “But… but you have feelings for him!”
“It’s an act, Marina,” Susan said wearily. “We’ve been putting on a show this whole time, trying to convince everyone around us that there was something real between the two of us. I always meant to tell you eventually, of course, but I couldn’t do it until I was sure the plan had worked.”
“Susan…”
“And now the plan will never work,” Susan pressed on.
“Now I’ll never be able to walk away from him, because if I do so, Father will make an arrangement for me to marry someone else.
He’ll be so desperate to take control of things that he’ll send me off to the first person who will have me.
I might not have chosen the Duke for myself—I’m certainly not in love with him, as you’re so determined to thing—but he’s not an unpleasant person, and I can imagine myself as his Duchess. I can live that life, if I must.”
“Oh, Susan…” Marina bit her lip. “I can’t ask you to do it.
I didn’t realize there was another way, that you never intended to go through with it.
How I wish you had told me! When I think of the fact that you’ll be stuck in a marriage you never wanted…
I had myself convinced that everything was going to be all right because you did love him after all.
But if you don’t, I can’t possibly have you marry him for my sake. We’ll find another way!”
“You know we won’t.” Susan sat down beside Marina on the bed, the last of her anger finally dissipating.
“You know Father is firm in his belief that I should marry before you. This scandal is only a part of what’s happening, really.
He would have been hard pressed to go through with letting you commit to an engagement before I had said my vows.
I’m sure there’s a part of him that’s relieved to know that everything will be simple and just the way he likes it once more. ”
“I’m so sorry,” Marina whispered. “I would never have done this if I had known.”
Susan shook her head. “Don’t say that,” she said, tension knotting in her heart once more.
“I don’t want to be angry with you, Marina, and I do intend to go through with this marriage for your sake—but you did know.
You knew that it was wrong to go off alone with Gilbert, and you did it anyway.
You weren’t being careful. That’s what it is.
You weren’t using caution and good judgment, and that’s why I’m in this predicament.
I’ll get over it. I’ll make the best of the situation.
But don’t sit there and tell me you didn’t know you were doing something wrong, because you did. ”
Marina’s eyes filled with tears.
Susan felt sick. All she had ever wanted was to be a good elder sister, a comfort to Marina and a shield between her and the rest of the world. And now, Marina was suffering because Susan had been hard on her.
She put a hand on Marina’s shoulder. “It’s going to be all right,” she assured her sister. “I won’t stay angry. But right now, I think I just need some time on my own. All right?”
Marina nodded and dabbed at her eyes with the edge of her sleeve. “I really am sorry,” she said. “I didn’t think my going out there would have such an impact on you, Susan.”
That was just the problem. Marina hadn’t thought.
Susan got to her feet and went to the door. She held it open, and Marina understood that she was being dismissed. Sniffling slightly, she got up and went out into the hall.
Susan closed the door behind her. It made her feel cold and heartless to do it, but for one night, she needed to focus on her own emotions. She would turn her attention back to what her sister needed soon enough, but not today.
She should be grateful—and I think she is—that I’m still willing to marry at all, Susan thought.
If I refused to marry Norman, I don’t know where she would be.
I don’t know if Father would ever be willing to allow her to marry Gilbert.
He would want her taken care of, but he’s so stubborn about his tradition of the elder daughter marrying first that he would keep his focus on me. And if I continued to refuse to marry…
She sighed and lay back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.
No matter how angry she was at her sister, she couldn’t possibly leave Marina to face her father’s whims like that. If there was something Susan could do to help, she would do it.
But she was beginning to realize how much she had always been taken for granted. For all the times Marina had insisted she didn’t want to see Susan forced to marry—had she ever really cared about that? Or was it just that she hadn’t wanted to face the guilt of feeling responsible for it?
One way or another, the responsibility was hers. She would have to accept the new life that lay ahead of her.
She thought of Norman—of the fun the two of them had had in trying to convince everyone that they were madly in love. Of all the times she had thought to herself that she would genuinely miss him when their time together came to an end.
But then she thought of the dance they had shared at the ball. Of the way he had spoken to her as though she was no different from the image any gentleman might have in his mind of what a lady was—just someone who wanted to marry as soon as possible.
In spite of all the genuine moments she thought she’d had with him and all the truths she had told, Norman still had no idea who she really was.
So how could their marriage possibly amount to anything good?