Chapter 24
Left alone for the moment, Susan wandered over to the side of the room.
The wine was circulating again, and she accepted a second glass of white.
This one, she only sipped at as she surveyed the room, looking for her sister.
She wanted to talk to someone about everything that had just happened, and while she wasn’t confident Marina would understand all the nuanced layers of her feelings about Norman, she did trust that Marina would listen to her and would keep everything she said in confidence.
She spotted Marina and Gilbert on the dance floor.
Marina’s face was flushed, and she was smiling.
For the first time, Susan found herself genuinely wondering what their honeymoon had been like.
They truly did love each other. Even if she had some fear about what the future held for them, there could be no doubt about how they felt today.
They must have enjoyed every moment of being sequestered together.
They’d have spent the whole time in one another’s arms, she was sure.
Even meals would have been taken side by side, where they could reach out and touch one another as often as they liked.
As she watched, the dance ended, and another began. Her sister and Gilbert didn’t separate. They didn’t even seem able to stop gazing into one another’s eyes.
The way Norman had looked at her… it really wasn’t the same as the way Gilbert was looking at Marina.
Watching them gave her the ability to discern the difference.
With Norman, it had been a momentary thing, as if he was noticing something he hadn’t seen before.
Something he liked, certainly. But not something that he would be distracted by.
Gilbert looked at Marina the way a man might stare at the moon. It was as if he was trying to solve all her mysteries, as if he didn’t care who took notice of him.
He really does love her. It rooted her where she stood. She had never seen her father look at her mother that way. She had never seen anyone look at another person that way. She could no longer attempt to deny Gilbert’s feelings for her sister. They were clear.
A wash of relief came over her. Maybe she didn’t need to worry about Marina, in that case. Maybe everything really was going to be all right.
And yet, to her surprise, she wasn’t as soothed as she might have expected to be.
She looked around, hoping to see Norman, an ache growing in her chest at his absence. Of course, he needed to socialize with people. That was more than understandable. But at the same time, being on her own…
I can manage being on my own. I’m capable.
Yes.
And besides… she didn’t want him too close to her. When he had looked at her like that, as though he might actually be feeling something for her, it had sparked a longing deep within her. And she didn’t want to feel that longing. She couldn’t.
Maybe Gilbert’s feelings for Marina were true. Maybe the incredible had happened, and love had flourished.
But that was still the overwhelming exception.
Just look at her mother and father. Just look at Leah and her husband…
no, she couldn’t even think about that. And she didn’t want to fall victim to the appeal of romance.
It would be lovely to have someone look at her with admiration; she wouldn’t deny it.
But that didn’t mean it was safe. That didn’t make it a good idea.
She sipped her wine. The thought had to be forced away.
But even so… she longed for him. In a way that made her uneasy, she was preoccupied with him. She yearned for him to come back, to lead her back out onto the dance floor, even though she knew that wasn’t going to happen. They had had all the dances they were going to have this evening.
“Enjoying the wine?”
She glanced over and saw Norman’s cousin Michael approaching with his own glass of wine. He’d also chosen the white. For some reason, that gave her a surge of fondness. “It’s good,” she said, taking a sip.
“Not the best I’ve ever had, but it’s certainly passable,” he agreed. “And where has your husband taken off to? I’d have liked to speak with him.”
“He has to socialize while we’re here,” she explained.
“And he didn’t want to take you along with him?” Michael shook his head. “A travesty, if you ask me. I would have taken you.”
She laughed. “It’s not such a travesty. I think he’s talking business with people, and I can’t be of much use to him on that front.”
“Well, perhaps not,” Michael allowed. “I saw the two of you sharing a dance earlier. I must say, it looked as if he was enjoying himself.”
“Do you think so?” It pleased her to think that Michael felt that way about it. He knew Norman as well as anyone did. “I thought we had a pleasant time.”
“I certainly think so,” he said. “Truly, it’s a gift to see my cousin out and about at all, much less dancing and looking as if he wants to be here.
Even though I know he likes spending time in your company, a ball is a different proposition.
I would have expected him to be eager to take his leave. ”
“I do think he’ll want to go fairly soon,” Susan said with a smile. “But in the meantime…I’m glad to think that he’s having a nice time. I appreciate you telling me.”
Still, she trembled at the thought of it.
Yes, it was good to think that Norman was enjoying himself.
But what if that did mean he had feelings for her?
What if he was going to ask her about it later?
She had made it clear to him, hadn’t she, that she didn’t want to fall in love?
What if he thought that was something he could change her mind about?
What if she didn’t have the willpower to tell him no?
How many times had she seen it happen? The promise of romance could suck people in powerfully.
That was what had happened to Marina. Perhaps for Marina, it would pay off, and she would be allowed to keep her happy ending.
But seeing it happen to her sister, this rare thing, made Susan that much more certain that it couldn’t happen to her.
Such a rarity couldn’t occur twice within the same family.
Disharmony, discord, dissatisfaction—those were the normal outcomes.
By maintaining distance, she could ensure her happiness. No matter what she might feel, the most important thing was that she maintain that safe distance. She had to make sure that Norman didn’t have the power to upend her whole world.
They could be friends. She wanted them to be friends. But they couldn’t be anything more.
“Ah,” Michael said. “Here comes Gregory. Do you know him, Susan? The Baron of Islington.”
“I don’t believe we’ve been introduced.” Susan managed a smile for the red-haired man walking up to join them.
A part of her longed to wander off on her own and allow herself to brood over everything that was worrying her, but that wasn’t the best idea, and she knew it.
Here was a distraction that might help her settle her nerves.
She was grateful for the Baron’s presence.
“Good evening,” he said. He was a jolly sort and beamed at her. “I don’t believe we have been introduced. Who is your charming friend, Michael?”
“Susan has just married my cousin,” Michael explained. “You’re addressing the Duchess of Heathmare.”
“Forgive me, Your Grace,” the Baron corrected himself, inclining his head. He didn’t seem particularly remorseful, and Susan found that she liked that. She didn’t want to see him humble himself. It was enough that he had corrected the mistake.
In fact, it was more than enough. “You can call me Susan,” she told him with a smile, imagining what her father would say if he knew she was granting that permission. “Any friend of Michael’s is a friend of mine.”
He beamed at her. “It seems your cousin has made a fine choice,” he told Michael. “She is the epitome of charisma and grace—and beauty, if I may say so.”
“I would be cautious about what you say,” Michael said mildly. “You wouldn’t want Norman to overhear you being flirtatious.”
“Oh, you know I don’t mean anything by it,” the Baron said with a laugh. “Besides, she’s just being friendly, and so am I.”
“It’s true,” Susan told Michael. The truth was that it was a tremendous relief to talk to someone with whom there were no real stakes. The Baron seemed to like her, and that pleased Susan, but she didn’t have to worry about whether he liked her. She didn’t need to worry about how much he liked her.
And she didn’t have to lie to him, either.
The realization hit her like a ton of bricks.
She had enjoyed making up stories with Norman.
It had bonded them. It was a connection in a world where everything was changing.
But now it occurred to her what a relief it was to be able to stop doing that.
She was tired of lying all the time, tired of the constant worry over whether her lies were being believed.
To just stand here with the Baron and fully be herself was a relief.
She didn’t even feel the need to convince him that she was in love with her husband.
She finished the rest of her wine and searched for a place to set the glass down.
“I can take that for you,” Michael suggested, noticing her trouble.
“I wouldn’t want to put you out,” she said.
“No, it’s not a problem at all. I was just going to search for that butler to get a drink of my own.
” He plucked the glass from her hands. “I’ll return this to him while I’m doing that.
That’s if you wouldn’t mind my friend here keeping you company for a few minutes?
He is a chore, of course, but I’m sure you can manage him. ”
“I’m sure I can,” Susan laughed.
Michael walked off, leaving Susan on her own with the Baron.
He looked out at the dancing couples. “You must forgive me,” he said. “I’m being very rude.”
“Are you? I hadn’t noticed any rudeness,” she said honestly. “I’m having a fine time.”
“Well, it’s just that a gentleman standing next to a beautiful lady ought to do her the courtesy of asking her to dance,” he said. “Goodness knows you deserve to be asked, and I haven’t done so.”
She laughed. “Oh, that’s all right,” she assured him.
“I just got off the dance floor. I’m happy to stand here and talk.
” It was true—but it was also true that the idea of dancing with anyone other than Norman would feel like a shadow of what she had just experienced with him.
It was impossible to imagine caring as much about a dance with anyone else, and that wasn’t an idea she wanted to consider in too much detail right now.
The Baron nodded sharply at her. “In that case,” he said, “you and I will simply stand here and talk, and I’ll consider myself lucky…”
He trailed off, frowning.
Susan followed his gaze, and her heart sank.
Norman was walking right toward them, with an unmistakable glower on his face.