Chapter 31
“I’m sorry to burden you,” Susan said quietly.
She sat on the edge of the bed that had been provided for her at Marina’s house, avoiding eye contact with her sister. She stared out the window instead, longing for something to distract her from the pain she was feeling.
No such distraction appeared, and eventually she found herself forced to turn and look back into the room. Marina was sitting in the chair at the vanity and watching her, concern etched on her delicate features.
“You’re not burdening me,” Marina said. “I told you to come, Sue. I wanted you here. Wouldn’t you want me to come to you if something was making me unhappy?”
“Of course I would.” Now, Susan did look at her sister. “You know I would. Haven’t I always taken care of you?”
“Yes, you have. But you shouldn’t think that I don’t want to care for you too, Sue, just because you’re older than I am.
You’re not that much older, and besides, we’re sisters.
We ought to share our troubles. Carry them together.
” She stood up, crossed to the bed, and sat down beside Susan.
Reaching out, she rested a hand on Susan’s arm. “Won’t you tell me what happened?”
Susan sighed. “Nothing happened,” she admitted. “That’s what makes it all so embarrassing.”
“What do you mean?”
She still wasn’t ready to discuss that kiss, but maybe she could tell her sister about the rest of it. “It’s all to do with Norman’s aunt,” she said.
Marina’s eyebrows lifted. “His aunt? Does she disapprove of you or something?”
“I thought she did at first. Now I don’t think it’s that. She just wants what’s best for him, and she doesn’t think that’s me.”
“Of course you’re good for him!” Marina insisted loyally. “You’d be good for anybody, Susan! He’s lucky to have you.”
Susan smiled at her sister. “You’re sweet,” she said. “But maybe I’m not. Because what Aunt Tabitha said was that Norman would be happier if he had married for love. And for all I know, that’s the truth. It seems reasonable.”
“Wait a moment.” Marina took Susan’s hand. “Did she say all these things right in front of you? That’s awful.”
“No.” Susan’s face grew hot. “I wasn’t meant to hear. When I came home from our promenade, they were in the sitting room talking about it, and I overheard as I was walking by. I shouldn’t have stopped to listen, but I couldn’t help myself.”
“Of course you couldn’t,” Marina soothed her. “Anyone would have stopped once they heard their name. Once they knew they were being discussed.”
“I just can’t stop thinking that she’s right,” Susan murmured.
“We married for mutual advantage, not for love. And now everything we hoped to gain has been achieved. Should we really spend our whole lives yoked together now that we’ve gotten what we wanted?
There’s a way out of this for both of us.
That was what we agreed on from the very start—that we would put on a show for a while, and then we would go our separate ways as soon as we were able. ”
“Did he tell you he wanted you to go, then?” Marina’s voice tightened in anger. “I can’t believe he would say that to you.”
“No, no. He didn’t.” Susan sighed. She couldn’t get it out of her head—the way Norman’s face had hardened when she had told him she was leaving. “I think I just… hoped he would ask me to stay. I know that’s foolish. He never had any attachment to me. But…”
“You did fall in love with him,” Marina whispered.
Susan looked away. “No, I didn’t.”
She couldn’t even look at her sister while she said the words.
Marina would surely hear the lie in them, would hear the thing that Susan couldn’t even admit in her own mind.
The fact that she had allowed herself to develop feelings when she had sworn she wouldn’t—when she had known how damaging that would be…
She would never get over how foolish she’d been.
I knew what happens when you let yourself fall in love. I swore not to do it. And then, the first time a man charmed me, I abandoned all that. I let myself follow my heart instead of common sense, and that’s how a person gets hurt.
Just like my parents.
Just like Leah.
The one thing I always swore would never happen to me—and now it has, and I truly have no one to blame but myself.
She lost track of time, lying in the bedroom and staring up at the ceiling. The next time a knock came at the door, she noticed to her mild surprise that it was dark outside—many hours had passed since her conversation with Marina.
She sat up, noticing how tired she felt, but not really caring. “Come in,” she called.
The door opened. It was one of Marina’s maids. “Your Grace, the lady of the house sent me to fetch you. It’s time for dinner.”
“Oh.” Susan thought about the prospect of spending the next hour sitting at the dinner table and trying to make conversation. It turned her stomach. “I’m not hungry, thank you. You may let her know.”
“Yes, Your Grace.” The maid withdrew, closing the door.
Susan lay back down on the bed.
More time passed. Once again, she wasn’t fully aware of how long it had been, and the fact that it was dark outside made things that much more disorienting. It might have been fifteen minutes or an hour, but she heard her sister’s voice outside the room. “Susan? May I come in?”
Susan didn’t bother to get up this time. “Come in,” she called back, and the door opened to admit her sister.
Marina was carrying a tray of food, and she set it down on the foot of the bed. “I brought your dinner,” she said softly. “I didn’t want you to be hungry.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” Susan forced herself to sit up now.
“I know I could have had a member of staff bring it,” Marina agreed. “But I was afraid you would send them away again. I worried when you didn’t come to dinner, Sue. Aren’t you hungry?”
“Not very,” Susan murmured. “I think it’s just been such an exhausting day that… I find it hard to imagine eating anything. Maybe I just need to rest first.”
“Sue, you’ve been resting all day.” Marina sat down beside her and touched her cheek. “You don’t have a fever, though…”
“No, I’m not sick. I’m really just tired,” Susan insisted.
“I think I should call a physician.” Marina started to rise, but Susan caught her wrist and pulled her back down.
The truth was, she knew there was something about the way she was reacting to all this that wasn’t quite normal.
It shouldn’t upset her this much, and not only because she had never intended to care about Norman.
She should be able to keep track of the passing of the hours. She should be hungry for her dinner.
But for some reason, she just wasn’t. It felt as though when she’d left Norman, she had left a vital part of herself behind. She just couldn’t muster the energy or the enthusiasm that would have been necessary for anything.
“Don’t call anyone,” she implored her sister.
It would be too humiliating to have to explain this to a physician—to say that her heart had been broken, and that heartbreak was making her physically ill.
This was the one thing she had always promised herself would never happen to her.
Even to admit it privately, in her own mind, was to admit failure.
And that failure was compounded by the fact that her heart truly was broken.
Why didn’t he ask me to stay? I know he doesn’t love me, but does he care so little about me? He barely even objected! Oh, I suppose it’s my own fault for telling him he shouldn’t try to force me into it, but even so… I did want him to try harder than that.
She’d wanted him to try, and he hadn’t.
That was what hurt so badly, at the end of the day. He hadn’t fought for her. Even if he couldn’t love her—she could accept that—she’d thought he had come to a place of wanting her around. But apparently that wasn’t true and never had been. It was an awful realization.
“Susan, if you’re not well, you should see someone,” Marina said. “I’m really worried. I knew something wasn't right during our promenade, but seeing you now… I’ve truly never seen you this way.”
“I’m all right. Really. I just need a little more time to recover,” Susan said, hoping it was true.
“Will you at least eat something?”
Susan examined the dinner tray. It was a hearty meal—she’d been saved a leg of pheasant, a piece of fish, and several side dishes that she knew for certain would have appealed to her under different circumstances. But at the moment, she could muster no enthusiasm for any of it.
“You can leave it here,” she told her sister.
“If I do, are you going to eat it?” Marina asked sternly.
Seeing her sister step into the role of caretaker like this would ordinarily have made Susan smile. The fact that no mirth found her was just one more thing that was odd about her current state of mind.
Still, she didn’t want Marina to be worried. She picked up a piece of bread, tore off a small bite, and popped it into her mouth.
Immediately, her stomach clenched, rejecting the food. But she forced a smile onto her face all the same.
Marina relaxed slightly—she had been convinced. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Susan, and Susan relaxed into the embrace. “I just feel awful,” she murmured. “You did all this for me. You put yourself in that situation for me.”
“No, you mustn’t blame yourself,” Marina told her sister firmly.
“Nothing that’s happened is your fault. I know I didn’t want to get married, and I know I’ve always said that.
This is… disappointing.” That was an understatement if ever there was one.
“But we should focus on the important things. It could have been so much worse, Marina. Norman didn’t love me, but he was not a cruel man. ”
For a moment, there was silence, and Marina knew they were both thinking about Leah. About the terrible things that had happened to their sister.
“If you think about it,” she went on, resting a hand on Marina’s shoulder, “things got better for each of us in turn. Leah’s fate was dreadful.
My fate is merely… sad. And you—you are the one who might receive a happy ending.
And I don’t ever want you to feel sorry or ashamed about your own happiness, Marina.
We all want you to have it. Leah would want that too.
I’m sure of it. I know how much she loved you, because it’s the same way I love you. ”
Marina smiled tremulously. “You have been such a wonderful sister to me,” she said softly. “You always have. And I’m grateful for everything you’ve given me. But I just wish it didn’t come at such a cost to you, Sue.”
A lump rose in Susan’s throat. But she could find nothing to say.
She merely held her sister’s hand for a few moments longer, and the two of them looked at one another.
Then Marina rose to her feet. “I’ll leave you in peace,” she said quietly. “I hope you’ll ring the servants if you should need anything.”
She left the room, pulling the door closed behind her, and Susan was on her own.
It shouldn’t have troubled her. Even when she had lived in Norman’s house, she’d often been alone. She had sought out solitude. She had liked it.
But somehow, today she felt lonelier than she ever had in her life.