CHAPTER 28
The sound of her laughter reached his ears, pulling him out of his work.
It had always called to him, that musical laugh curled though his chest and settled around his heart.
These days it was all the more precious for being rare.
Most of the time she was quiet, self-effacing, contained.
As if her spirit had been dimmed in the years they were apart.
He couldn’t stand it. He wanted to hear her laugh every day, wanted to see her eyes sparkle with joy and mischief and passion…
And she wanted nothing to do with him.
He was trying to be patient, as his mother recommended.
He hoped that at some point she would forgive him and accept him.
That he could somehow regain her trust. When remembering the earth-shattering kiss they had shared in the garden, his faith returned.
Maybe there were just a few embers left, but he could work with that.
He would stoke it into the indomitable fire that had forged them before.
He had to, because losing her again was not an option. He had barely survived doing so once.
Another musical chuckle reached his ears, followed by the squeal and warble of a toddler.
He followed the sound to the open window that overlooked the back lawn.
There, amid orderly parterres and impassive statues, she ran from the child, hiding behind a bush before the little one waddled over to her, squealing in delight when he found her.
She picked him up and nuzzled his tummy, making weird sounds that made the child laugh.
She laughed too. The sound full bodied and throaty. It brought back memories of their own escapades in this garden. A long time ago. In another lifetime.
He found himself smiling at their antics, before dark thoughts, like storm clouds, obscured his mind.
This scene seemed plucked straight out of his dreams. To have children with her.
To watch them play in their garden. If they had not been torn apart, this could have been their lives.
That golden haired, chubby toddler could have been their son.
Instead, he was the son of the man who had destroyed their lives.
How much suffering had they both endured over twelve long years?
How many dreams shattered? How much time lost that could never be recovered?
She was caring for a child not her own when she had been denied the possibility of a family.
So had he. He had never married because every time he had contemplated the possibility, every fiber of his being rejected the idea of marrying another woman.
He had told himself her betrayal had jaded him.
In truth, it was because his soul recognized its mate and would have her or none other.
Now, he had come to care for little Edward, but the irony wasn’t lost on him that it was the child’s father who had deprived him and Josephine of their own family.
Her brother had done him the gravest injury of his life.
One that still bled. He knew, in his heart of hearts, the child was not at fault.
And he would never take out his resentment on an innocent child. But it still hurt.
His sudden dark mood felt attracted to her laughter like only two opposite poles of a magnet can attract each other, and he could no more prevent himself from seeking her out than he could stop breathing.
The game of chase had apparently ended, and she sat with her toddler nephew on a blanket under the shade of a big tree, feeding the child small bites from a platter of cut fruit. As little Edward chomped on a piece of apple, he approached them.
“Do you mind if I join you?”
She looked at him with a hint of trepidation in her eyes and her smile dimmed, but then she dipped her head in assent.
God, how he hated how guarded she still was around him.
After his declaration of intent to marry her, she had retreated emotionally.
It baffled him. Wouldn’t she want that too?
Of course not. He couldn't even blame her, not after he had failed her in every regard.
But he still yearned. Still suffered this distance. And wished it were otherwise.
There had been a time, a long time ago, when being in each other’s arms, as close as two human beings possibly could, was something they both desired, needed. Now they were in a dance where it seemed they took one step closer just to take two back.
“What brings you here?” Her question was casual but also contained a genuine concern. It seemed to say, why have you sought me out? He decided to lead with complete honesty.
“Your laughter called to me. It always has. But these days it’s a rare occurrence.”
“I guess I have fewer reasons to laugh.”
“Glad to see the antics of your nephew have brought you joy. Although…”
“What?”
He hesitated, unsure how to pose the question. Already regretting having started to ask it.
“Never mind.”
She frowned, looking at him. “Tell me, please.”
“I just wonder. It is obvious you love your nephew.” She nodded, waiting for him to elaborate. “Have you forgiven your brother for what he did to you?”
She frowned in confusion, then lowered her head. “I haven’t. Perhaps I’ll never be able to. It’s terribly uncharitable of me, I know, especially because he’s now dead and has thus paid for his sins. But I can’t help the resentment.”
“I feel the same way,” he confessed. “But what he did to you is so much worse. And yet that resentment doesn’t seem to color your feelings for his child.”
She cut a quick glance at him, lowering her eyes almost immediately. “I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t occurred to me that my brother only thought to rescue me when he needed me to raise his son.”
“I sense a but coming up.”
Her smile was sad, so sad that it nearly broke his heart. “But just look at him. He is an innocent little child in need of love. He’s not at fault for his father’s sins.”
“I know that. But when I saw the two of you playing together, I couldn’t help but think…”
“What?”
He looked directly at her. Wanting to see her eyes but also allowing her to see into his. Making himself vulnerable in the process.
“I couldn’t help but think that it should be your child. Our child. That if it had not been for your brother’s crime, we would have been married these past twelve years, and we would probably have children of our own.”
Her gaze lowered at his first sentence. Now it turned away from him, completely avoiding his eyes.
“What ifs are useless. I learned long ago not to dwell on them. If I had, I would have gone mad by now.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Her hand trembled as she grabbed another piece of fruit, this time a red strawberry that looked like a heart, and offered it to the child.
It seemed strangely symbolic. Her nephew grabbed the fruit greedily with chubby little hands and brought it to his mouth, chewing happily, blissfully unaware of the undercurrents around him.
He hated that he had caused her such distress. That he had come out here to taint the moment of carefree happiness she was enjoying. God, it seemed all he did around this woman was blunder. But he was trying to get to something. Albeit in a very ham-handed way.
“Don’t you still wish for those things, Josephine?”
Her sharp intake of breath was answer enough. But the words that followed were like a stiletto piercing his chest and slicing his heart.
“No. I’ve learned to accept fate and resign myself to my lot. Edward is like my own. The only blood relative I have left. The child I will never have.”
He had to swallow past the fist that had lodged on his throat. “Josie, it doesn’t have to be that way, if you wanted—”
“Don’t.” Her response was sharp, interrupting his mangled proposal. “We’ve been over this. Don’t you know it’s rude to insist when a lady has refused your suit?”
“I would desist if I thought you didn’t want me. But I know what once was is still there. I feel it beating between us, Josie.”
She stood abruptly and turned away from him, avoiding his gaze. “You are mistaken.”
He circled to face her once again.
“I am not.” His voice came out too sharp, heavy with frustration. He took a deep breath, gentling his tone. “Josie, we already had twelve years stolen from us. I refuse to give up this second chance life has given us without a very good reason.”
“Isn't the fact that I’ve been ruined enough? Men in your position don’t marry women like me.”
“Women like you?” He repeated, dumbfounded.
“Women who have been despoiled. Violated. Used and discarded like a whore. I’m spoiled goods.”
Her voice broke on the last sentence, but his heart shattered to ever smaller pieces with each word. How could she not see her worth? His eyes stung with tears he didn’t even try to hide. He had known. Of course he had known. But to hear her say it…
“Josie. I’m so sorry, love. I know it’s inadequate.
I failed you, and that’s a regret I’ll take with me to my grave because there’s nothing I can do now to erase what you have suffered.
But I’d like to spend the rest of my life trying to bring you happiness.
To compensate for what you’ve suffered. Please. ”
“You are seeking redemption. But that is a poor reason to get married.”
Now she sounded tired. Defeated. He couldn’t stand it.
“That is not the reason. I want to marry you because I love you. I always have. I already knew, or suspected, what you told me. It hurts me more than I can express, for your sake. But it doesn’t make me love you any less.
In fact, the opposite is true. You are not spoiled goods.
You are a resilient, courageous, beautiful woman.
None of what happened to you was your fault. You were a victim—”
“I was not a victim the entire time.” She enunciated with savage brutality.
“I was not raped for twelve years. I would not have survived that.” Now her eyes glowed with anger and defiance.
“Eventually, I submitted. Stopped fighting. Accepted. Even pretended to enjoy it to make my life easier. I became an accomplice to my own degradation. I betrayed myself, and I hate myself for it.”
“Josie, no!” He took a step toward her, and she retreated, crossing her arms in front of her.
He immediately stopped, shaken that she might perceive him as a threat.
Took a deep breath to settle the violent storm raging in his heart, striving for a calmer tone.
“Even if you submitted, it was not consensual, for you had no other choice. You did what you needed to do to stay alive, just like a good soldier does. What you are is a survivor.”
She shook her head. “Leave it be. I don’t need your pity or your charity, Your Grace.”
Pity.
Charity.
Your Grace.
Each word was another turn of the knife already lodged in his heart.
God, how she must detest him. The resentment she felt was obviously not directed only at her brother.
It included him as well. And why not? He had failed her.
He was the man who had professed to love her.
Who had promised to marry her. He was the one who should have protected her.
He should have followed her to the ends of the earth.
He deserved her hatred. It was no wonder she didn’t want anything from him.
He did not deserve a chance at redemption.
But by God, he would protect her. Even if he had to do it from afar.
As she delivered her setdown, she turned to leave, taking Edward’s hand to lead him away.
But the child clearly was enjoying his picnic and refused to cut it short.
Protesting with a loud squeal, he instead tumbled on the blanket, rolling toward Michael, who caught him reflexively and lifted him in his arms, setting him down and offering a piece of apple as a bribe.
Realizing he had gotten his way, the child settled to nibble on the fruit.
Josephine remained standing, poised to flee. Looking at him with wounded eyes. He couldn’t stand it. He reached for her hand, but she snatched it away.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. God, how many times had he apologized? And it still wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. “Stay. You were enjoying the outdoors before I came along to ruin it. I’ll go.”
With that, he turned and left. He obviously had no place in their lives.