Chapter 18 #2
“Don’t ever be sorry,” he said, his voice hardening. “Maybe you are right. Maybe this marriage isn’t… I did not want this, I did not ask for it. But I do not regret it either. And I certainly do not regret you bringing Olivia into my life.”
“And… and me?” she pressed.
He leaned back slightly. “What… what do you mean?”
“It is one thing to look after an innocent like Olivia, to feel it is the right thing. But I am not nearly so innocent. Sometimes, often, I feel that I am a burden.”
“Thalia…” his voice was a shocked whisper. “You are not… you have done nothing wrong. As I promised to look after your daughter, I made the same promise to you. This changes nothing.”
She felt a pang of guilt stab her in the chest, forcing her to wince.
If only he knew the whole truth…
Thalia was not ready to share that with him. To tell him that she had tricked him into this marriage was still a bridge too far. And she hated that it was.
For all the wrong she had done to Ronan, that he was so willing to forgive and look after her and Olivia meant the world to her.
He was not what he said. He was certainly not what others thought.
He was kind and caring and deep down, she knew that he wanted the companionship and love that he spurned so rightly.
But that would surely change if she confessed the truth. As he was so slow to trust, he would surely be quick to reject her if she told him. And all that would do would confirm his worst fears.
So, rather than saying any of that, Thalia chose to simply look at the duke and smile. A smile of thanks and gratitude. A smile that she hoped told him how she felt.
And as for Ronan? He returned the smile, sensing the moment, for once not running from it. The light shone upon his scared face and reached his eyes, a warmth spreading from its flames and wrapping them both in its protection.
“Olivia is your family,” Ronan said gently. “No matter what people say. And now…” He hesitated, licking his lips. “And now, she is my family too. I want you to know that.”
“You have been good to us,” Thalia said. “Far too good.”
“No,” he said. “As good as you both deserve.”
She laughed softly. “I think I know one thing to be true. With how Olivia looks at you, I doubt you need to worry about her leaving you any time soon.”
Ronan’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“Not everyone is doomed to be abandoned, Ronan. Some relationships do last, even those that come from nowhere. I see how Olivia looks at you, and I know you see it too.”
“You… you do?” he sounded unsure, and hopeful.
“She loves you,” Thalia said, her smile still soft and warm. “And no matter what happens, that will never change. She knows what you are, as do I.”
“And… and what am I?”
Thalia took a chance then. Ronan’s hand was resting on the top of the pianoforte and she reached for it, resting her hand on it gently. Then, she met and held his eyes, needing him to see the truth. “You are her protector. Now, tomorrow, always.”
She felt it then.
Touching his hand, where she expected him to stiffen and pull away, he relaxed.
His expression, previously hard and removed, softened.
He stared at her hand on his and then looked right at her, the slightest smile reaching his lips in a way that told her the words she spoke were exactly what he needed to hear.
For a moment, Thalia thought to push.
Now that she had told Ronan about herself, she wondered if he might be willing to do the same for her. To open up and reveal what it was that caused him to live as he did. Why he did not trust. The reason he was so scared of growing close to others.
It is right there too. He wants to tell me. He needs to tell me…
But she didn’t do that. Partly because she did not want to scare him off, and partly because she wanted him to want to tell her. When he was ready, she was certain that he would. But only then.
“Will you be joining us for supper?” Thalia asked him.
“I am afraid not,” he said. She grimaced, not expecting that answer. And he noticed… “Not because I do not wish to,” he said. “I… I have not meant to avoid you these past few days.”
“It is fine,” she said. “You don’t have to—”
“Another time,” he spoke over her. “I would very much like to. I promise.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I am sure Olivia would like that. I know that I would.”
A silence settled between them. One that was reminiscent of the other evening. Thalia’s hand on his. Their stares, holding as an understanding passed between them. A tension building, eyes flicking to lips, heart beats joined, both seeming to know that if they dared…
And Thalia very nearly made the same mistake. She wanted to. To stand up and step into Ronan, to take his hands and pull her in, to find his lips and kiss them because he needed to know how she felt. And she wanted to prove to herself that he felt the same way.
Only this time, she forced that urge away. This moment was so important, and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin it. Another would come soon, she was sure. And as they were married and living together, they had nothing but time.
“I should go…” Ronan pulled his hand free and stepped back.
“Yes…” She laughed awkwardly. “I best wake Olivia and ready her for supper.”
“I will…” He hesitated but then firmed himself. “I will see you tomorrow.”
“I really hope so.”
He smiled at that, relieved it looked like to her. A final moment of them meeting one another’s eyes, and he turned and stalked from the room.
Thalia breathed out once he had gone feeling that she had not taken a single breath since Ronan entered the room. Her body was trembling, and she suspected that if she tried to stand, her legs might collapse from under her.
“Well… that was something.”
She shook her head and finally rose from behind the pianoforte. There was a smile on her lips as she picked up the lantern and went to wake Olivia. She walked alone, but for the first time in days, she did not feel as if she was.
This was her home. This was her family. And this was a future that she had not known she wanted but now could not wait to see where it might go.