Chapter 8
Mrs. Montgomery, his housekeeper, was standing in the foyer waiting for him as he walked in.
“You ought to get upstairs, Your Grace,” she said, looking rather harried.
Her hair, usually in a very neat bun at the back of her head, was beginning to come loose, and her apron strings were askew.
“Helen has been having all sorts of trouble with the young master today.”
“Colin?” Nathaniel frowned. “Is something the matter with him? He isn’t ill, is he?
” He lived in fear of Colin developing some illness, something that he wouldn’t know how to cope with.
Not that he knew how to cope with any of this.
He had never known what to do for Colin, how to raise a five-year-old boy.
He knew he was over reliant on Helen, but wasn’t that the reason to have a governess in the first place?
Still, he didn’t want to risk her growing tired of her position, for what would he do without her? “I’ll go up,” he said. “But what am I going to be walking into?”
“He’s just been in a temper today,” Mrs. Montgomery explained quietly. “Not ill, but no one has been able to get him to do anything. You know Helen is usually the only one he will listen to, but today even she hasn’t gotten any obedience out of him.”
“If she hasn’t had success, I don’t know what I’ll be able to do,” Nathaniel sighed. “You know he doesn’t listen to me.”
“Your Grace…may I speak candidly?”
“You know I depend on you for just that, Mrs. Montgomery.” She had been the housekeeper here since Nathaniel’s childhood, and he was in the habit of relying on her wisdom.
She nodded. “Helen has been a boon to the young master, of course, and she is wonderful at what she does. We all understand and welcome her presence in the house. But what he really needs is you. He needs a relationship with you. Until he has that, he will never heal from everything he’s lost. I believe that’s what he’s waiting for—to be shown that he can trust you, and that you care for him and always will.
Once he has that, it’s my opinion that these outbursts will stop. ”
“Well, I don’t know why he doesn’t realize that I’m here for him,” Nathaniel murmured.
“I took him in, didn’t I? I have put a roof over his head and food on my table for him.
I provide for his education. I give him everything a boy could ever need.
He can’t truly doubt my care for him. And if he does…
” He sighed. “I wouldn’t know how else to convince him.
If he doesn’t know after all I’ve done that I care for him, what more can I do? ”
Mrs. Montgomery looked away. “I’ve said far too much already,” she said.
“None of this is my place. All I can say is that I believe you are the one he needs. Much more than a governess, he needs you and your presence in his life. That’s why I think you would do best to get up to his room as quickly as possible, to show him that you’ve come home, and that he can rely on you. ”
Nathaniel nodded. “Thank you, Mrs. Montgomery,” he said. “I don’t know what I’m going to do for the boy. I’ll just have to hope that one day, eventually, he understands how important he is to me, and to this…”
He trailed off, turned, and started up the stairs.
The word on the tip of his tongue had been family.
But that wasn’t what this was. Not yet. Maybe in the future, maybe if he managed to find a mother for Colin, they would be able to call themselves that.
But right now, it wouldn’t have been true and he knew it.
He was just a man doing his best to raise a child who had nowhere else to go, that was all.
To refer to them as family would have been to overstate things.
Dorothy was still on Nathaniel’s mind as he ascended the stairs, in spite of his worry over Colin.
He couldn’t help thinking that this was all for the best. The fact that she had spied on him, that she had found his list and shared it with all of London…
he ought to have been angry with her about it, of course, but it wasn’t in his nature to hold onto anger at anyone, and this was going to turn out for the best. With her help, he knew, he would be able to find a wife quickly, and that was what really mattered.
It was stunning just how well she understood the social dynamics of London society, given that she wasn’t directly involved.
He had imagined that having her as an accomplice in all this would give him someone to talk to about his ideas so that he wouldn’t have to bother his friends so frequently.
In fact, he could now see that he had half-hoped to make a point to Dorothy herself, to show her how difficult it was to manage the business of finding a suitable wife.
If he could do that, he thought, she might truly feel regret for intervening in his affairs.
But that wasn’t going to happen. He could see that now.
She was more skilled at this than he was, and there was no moment at which she was going to have a realization that she had been too hard on him.
If anything, the opposite was going to happen.
He was going to have to admit that he had been too lenient on himself, that he had allowed himself too much leeway in trying to find a wife without thinking about what the lady in question might want.
Oh, this was fraught. He was glad to be home, glad that he hadn’t convinced himself to approach any ladies in the park today.
At some point, he would have to choose someone and speak to her.
Make her an offer. Once he did that, he would be stuck, unable to turn back without an intense amount of dramatics. But for now, that still lay ahead.
He reached the upstairs hallway. Helen was standing outside Colin’s bedroom. She was a young governess—this was her first post, and Nathaniel had had his doubts about her at first, but for the most part he was very happy with her work. He had discovered that she found it easy to talk to Colin.
Most of the time, at least.
Today must have been different, because she was leaning against the wall, eyes closed, looking utterly exhausted.
She opened her eyes at the sound of Nathaniel’s approaching footsteps.
“Your Grace,” she said, standing up quickly.
“I’m sorry. I only just stepped out for a moment.
I wasn’t intending to leave him on his own for long… ”
“It’s quite all right,” Nathaniel assured her. “It’s understandable that you would need a moment to yourself from time to time. Is he all right in there?”
“He is, I believe,” Helen said. “He was just lying in his bed when I went out. He’s refused to get up for hours.
It’s as though he thinks he’ll be forced to do something he doesn’t like if he leaves his bed, even though I told him we could just go down to the garden.
He loves the garden, so I don’t understand what all the fuss is about, but he seems unwilling to even dress himself for the day. ” She sighed. “It’s been difficult.”
“Has he eaten today?” Nathaniel asked. Colin hadn’t appeared at breakfast, but that wasn’t so odd.
He often took his breakfast in his bedroom, preferring to sleep a little later than Nathaniel did, or simply not wanting to socialize.
At some point I’m going to have to get him to start eating with me no matter how he might feel about it—but I don’t think that’s something that needs to be rushed. All in good time.
“The maids brought his breakfast first thing, just as I always ask them to do,” Helen said. “He hasn’t touched it.”
“But we don’t think he’s ill?”
“No, not with the amount of energy he’s had. He jumped up, ran around the room, even upset the breakfast tray and threw his porridge at me.”
“Oh, Helen,” Nathaniel sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“He’s a child,” Helen said. “I understand that there will be days like this—he’s only five years old, after all.”
“Yes, but even so, it isn’t right that he should behave this way! He’s going to be a gentleman.”
Helen shook her head. “Your Grace, while that’s true, he isn’t a gentleman today. He’s only a little boy, and the things he’s been through…I just can’t be angry at him for lashing out. I don’t think you ought to be either.”
“Then what should I do?” Nathaniel threw up his hands. “I don’t know how to help him. He makes it all but impossible.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Helen said quietly. “Just go in there and sit with him. He simply wants to know that he isn’t alone.”
“I’m not who he needs, Helen,” Nathaniel said. “A boy of his age needs a mother. There’s nothing I can do for him that a mother wouldn’t do better.”
“But he hasn’t got a mother,” Helen said.
“Even if you’re right, even if he would benefit from having one, what he does have is you, and that isn’t going to change right now.
He can’t be left on his own until a mother appears for him.
He needs to know that he is loved. A governess is all well and good, but… ”
She trailed off, looking meaningfully at Nathaniel.
He didn’t know what to say.
He wasn’t Colin’s father. He certainly wasn’t the boy’s mother. What could he really do here? How could he add value and security to Colin’s life? It felt like an impossible task.
But Helen was right. He did have to try.
“Thank you, Helen,” he said with a sigh. “Why don’t you go and take a break? Get yourself something to eat, if you haven’t. I know how hard you work to make sure Colin feels cared for, and you ought to have the chance take some time for yourself.”
“I don’t want him to be left on his own,” Helen said.
“I’ll be with him until you get back,” Nathaniel assured her, and Helen nodded and disappeared down the hall.
Nathaniel took a deep breath and opened the door.
As he had been warned, Colin was lying on the bed in his nightclothes, staring up at the ceiling and drumming his feet against the mattress. He didn’t look up when Nathaniel came in.
“Are you planning to get up and get dressed today?” Nathaniel asked him, standing in the doorway.
Colin didn’t respond.
Nathaniel closed his eyes briefly, doing his best to collect himself.
Perhaps he had never been the right man for this task.
Perhaps he didn’t have what it took to bring up a little boy.
Certainly, he couldn’t do it on his own—they were going to have to find a mother for Colin, and quickly.
But maybe even that wouldn’t be enough. He couldn’t help feeling at times like this that the boy wanted nothing to do with him, and maybe he was right to feel that way.
Everything will be better once I marry. Once I find the perfect lady to help me raise Colin.
But right now, after the day he had spent with Dorothy walking around, looking at ladies and hearing her explanations for why all of them were wrong for his purposes, he felt farther away from that goal than ever before.
And as he looked at the little boy lying on the bed in front of him, he was filled with despair.
If I can’t be what he needs, that means I was wrong to take him in—and yet, I just don’t know what else I could have done. I don’t know what other choice I ever had than to try to be the family he needs.
After all, he has no one else.