Chapter 13
Nathaniel was running the moment his feet hit the ground.
He was aware of the fact that he had left Dorothy behind, and a part of him felt ashamed of that fact, but he couldn’t restrain himself.
He had to be by Colin’s side. The conversation on the ride home had provided just enough distraction to keep him from going out of his mind, but he couldn’t think of anything else now except his younger brother.
The child for whom he had taken responsibility.
I’ve failed him. He wouldn’t be ill if I hadn’t failed him.
He took the stairs two at a time, sprinted down the hallway, and skidded to a halt outside Colin’s bedroom door.
It was closed. He wanted to burst in, but he didn’t want to be disruptive.
If Colin had managed to fall asleep, it would be better to let him rest. How was he to know what was going on in that room?
The door opened and Helen stepped out. She smiled wearily at the sight of him, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Your Grace,” she said. “I’m glad you’re back. I hope you aren’t upset with us for sending for you.”
“Of course not,” Nathaniel said at once. “That was the right thing to do. I always want to know what’s happening with Colin. How long has he been ill?”
“It started in the early evening, but at first I thought he was just having another of his moods,” Helen said.
“You know how he can be when he’s not feeling cooperative.
I thought perhaps he just needed to be left alone for a few hours…
” She sighed. “I regret to say that I went out of the room. I didn’t stay with him.
It’s something that has worked in the past; if I show him that I’m not willing to entertain a tantrum, he’ll often straighten up a bit. ”
Nathaniel gritted his teeth. Helen knew best, of course, and he didn’t doubt her, but at the same time, it aggravated him to think of his little brother alone and ill. “He shouldn’t have been left to himself.”
She hung her head. “I know,” she murmured. “I know that now. I regret it, Your Grace.”
“You might have made matters worse for him, leaving him alone while he was ill.” He couldn’t seem to stop himself. “What if this could have been remedied, and it wasn’t because you weren’t with him? I rely on you, Helen. You are the one person I can trust to care for him.”
“Nathaniel?”
Dorothy was hurrying up the hall now. She looked from Nathaniel to Helen. “I’m sorry,” she said to Helen. “You and I haven’t been introduced.”
“No, my lady. My name is Helen. I’m Colin’s governess.” She kept her eyes cast downward, and Nathaniel felt a surge of guilt. He had shamed her and he knew it.
“It’s good to meet you, Helen,” Dorothy said softly. “My name is Lady Dorothy. I’m here to sit with Colin for a bit in his illness.” She reached out and put a hand on Helen’s arm. “And I’m sure you know that Colin’s illness is not your fault,” she went on. “These things happen sometimes.”
“I wasn’t with him,” Helen whispered.
“If you had been, do you think you would have done anything differently?”
Helen hesitated, then shook her head slowly. “I wouldn’t have known what to do.”
“Of course not. You can’t prevent a child from being ill. You did the right thing by sending for the duke as soon as you knew something was wrong. And I understand that a physician has been summoned as well?”
“Yes,” Helen murmured.
“Then that’s all you could have done,” Dorothy said, and she even offered Helen a smile. “Why don’t you go and take some time for yourself? You look exhausted, and I’m sure you’ve been very worried over Colin. We’re here now, so we can watch over him until the physician arrives.”
Helen looked at Nathaniel.
He was stunned by the way Dorothy had just taken everything in hand.
A part of him felt as though he ought to remind her whose house this was, and that she didn’t have the right to order his staff around.
And yet…what was the point in arguing about it?
He nodded to Helen, signaling that she was dismissed, and she turned and hurried off in the direction of the staff wing.
Nathaniel glanced at Dorothy. She was wringing her hands. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Maybe I overstepped. I just…I could see that you were getting angry with her, and I don’t think your anger really had anything to do with her.”
“She should have been with Colin,” Nathaniel said. “Even if she couldn’t have done anything, he shouldn’t have been alone.”
Dorothy held his gaze. “You didn’t know this was going to happen, Nathaniel,” she told him. “You can’t be with him every moment of every day. It’s not your fault you weren’t here.”
It was as though she had stared directly through to his soul.
How had she understood that he was really worried about the fact that he had been away?
He hadn’t said anything to that effect—and yet she seemed to have no doubt of it.
It was as if she was certain he had been talking about himself, and not about Helen at all.
And maybe he had. Maybe she was right. Because when he walked into the room and saw Colin lying in the bed, so small and helpless, he felt sick to his stomach with guilt over having left his brother alone.
Colin must have been so frightened as the illness had taken hold, and he’d had no one to turn to.
That wouldn’t have been the case if his mother was still alive.
Nathaniel had shown Colin that he couldn’t be trusted.
He opened the door to the bedroom slowly and peered inside.
The room was dimly lit by a single candle. Colin’s breathing could be heard at once—it was thin and raspy. Nathaniel moved quickly to his side, as if drawn there magnetically, and fell to his knees beside his brother.
“Colin,” he said quietly, resting a hand on the boy’s forehead. “I’m here now.”
He was burning up. His skin scorched Nathaniel’s palm. He turned to face Nathaniel, eyes bright and wide. “You came home from your party,” he whispered.
“I heard that you weren’t well,” Nathaniel explained. “I wanted to come and see you, Colin. To make sure that you were taken care of. I’ll always come back when you need me. I hope you know that.”
Colin closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath.
He was so small. That was all Nathaniel could think. He was just so small. He must be so miserable, and of course he didn’t really understand what was happening to him or why. He knew what illness was, but…what did he make of the way he was feeling?
Mother died of a fever. The thought sprouted horribly in his mind, like a weed he couldn’t root out.
Colin’s last experiences of their mother would have been of the fever that had ultimately claimed her life.
Would he be fearful that this was the same thing?
Would he worry that he might lose his own life?
And how could Nathaniel reassure him that he was safe without putting that thought into his head?
He buried his face in his hands, wishing that there was some way he could offer his brother comfort and yet also remove himself from the situation altogether. Colin deserved so much better than anything Nathaniel was going to be able to offer.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and knew that Dorothy had come over.
“Colin,” she murmured. “I’ve heard so many lovely things about you.
I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling well, but I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time with you today.
” The bed shifted. Nathaniel opened his eyes and saw that Dorothy had taken a seat on its edge.
He felt a twang of unease. Had he done wrong to bring her here? Nothing about it had been thought out, and Colin was going to be confused by the face and the presence of a stranger. How could he explain to his brother who this was and why he had brought her here?
Colin reached out and took Dorothy’s hand in his.
Nathaniel sucked in a breath. He’d never seen Colin reach out to anybody like this. He had always turned inward, always resisted any attempts at comfort or connection. There was something about Dorothy, though, that had made him open up effortlessly.
No, it probably isn’t her. It’s the fever.
He’s confused, and he doesn’t realize what he’s doing.
That’s all it is. It looks like something meaningful, but in actuality, he’s just holding onto a hand that’s near him.
If I’d been the one to sit down on the edge of the bed, he would have taken my hand.
But Nathaniel hadn’t sat down. He had rushed to Colin’s side to reassure himself that Colin was all right, but it hadn’t occurred to him to move himself closer to Colin, to offer the comfort of his physical presence.
This was why he needed a woman around, a mother figure.
Dorothy had done by instinct something Nathaniel had never thought of.
“He’s warm,” Dorothy murmured, placing her hand against Colin’s cheek.
Even that was a more tender touch than Nathaniel had offered—he had been measuring Colin’s temperature, but Dorothy cradled the boy’s face and Colin leaned into the touch.
“He should have something to drink, Nathaniel. Do you want to tell me where I might find the kitchen, and I’ll fetch him a drink of water? ” She started to rise to her feet.
But Colin clung to her. “No, Mama.” His voice came out in a little sob. “Don’t go. Stay here.”
Mama.
At the sound of the word, Dorothy had frozen. Her eyes went wide, and she looked at Nathaniel, clearly waiting to see if he was going to say or do anything.
He had no idea how to respond.
“She’s going to stay, Colin,” he said, his voice husky with emotion. He knew he hadn’t asked Dorothy, and that perhaps he was being unfair in speaking for her like this. Maybe she wanted to get out of this room. But he needed her here. He desperately needed someone to help him provide for Colin.
She turned back to face Colin, her other hand moving to wrap around his so that she was holding on with both hands now.
“Of course I’ll stay, Colin,” she murmured.
“Nathaniel will go and get you something to drink, all right? And after you’ve had your water, I want you to try to get some sleep. Will you do that for me?”
Colin nodded, his eyes drifting shut.
Nathaniel moved toward the door to find a servant who he could send for water.
A shudder passed through him as he stepped back out into the hall.
He couldn’t believe how easy he had found it to walk out of that room, after he had been so thoroughly panicked about the idea of leaving Colin on his own.
Somehow, having Dorothy in the room made him feel entirely better about the situation, as though everything was secure and taken care of.
This, he thought, was what it would be like when he eventually married.
When Colin had a mother. There would be someone in the world who made him feel comfortable and safe, and Nathaniel wouldn’t have to worry any longer about what was happening when he himself was out of the room.
He would be able to breathe easy knowing that his brother was finally being taken care of in the way he deserved.
He just couldn’t believe that Dorothy had been the one to show him firsthand what that was going to feel like.