Chapter 16
The clock struck ten p.m.
Nathaniel glanced at Dorothy, but she didn’t seem to have reacted to the sound. It was as if she hadn’t heard it at all. Did she realize how late it was getting? Was she simply choosing to ignore the time?
The truth was that Nathaniel wanted to ignore the time.
Every moment he spent in her company, something within him seemed to heal.
The desperate fear he had felt as they had rushed to get here, and then the sickening guilt at the knowledge that he wasn’t enough to provide what Colin needed…
the more he talked to her, the more those dreadful feelings went away.
They weren’t gone, exactly, but they had receded to somewhere deep inside him where he didn’t have to think about them.
At least, he didn’t have to think about them as long as Dorothy went on talking.
But every time she went quiet, the thoughts vied for his attention again. Dorothy didn’t think he was a bad guardian, but the fact remained that Colin had gotten sick. And even if he was going to do better at protecting his brother from illness moving forward, a mother was still needed.
So, he had to go on with his courtships. Or rather, he had to begin a courtship, because it was overstating things to say that there was anything at all to go on with. He had been negligent so far, and he knew that he could do better. He was going to have to do better.
He looked over at Dorothy, but her mind was clearly somewhere else. She was staring out the window, even though it was dark outside, impossible to see anything. She must have been lost in thought. She held her glass of liquor in her hand, swirling it slowly, not drinking.
Finally she spoke. “There’s something I still don’t understand in all of this,” she said.
“Ask.” He had never invited anyone to question him about his life before, not even his closest friends.
But some sort of wall seemed to have come down when it came to Dorothy.
It was as though she already knew so much about him, understood him so well, that there was no harm in telling her anything else she wanted to know.
He didn’t feel as if he had any secrets left worth protecting.
She set her drink down and leaned forward.
“It’s about your mother,” she said. “It seems to me…well, I just don’t understand how you can be so forgiving when it comes to her.
When it comes to what she did to you. She abandoned you.
She left you to a man she knew to be cruel.
And when you talk about her now, it’s as if she did nothing to harm you at all.
You speak about her as if she’s nothing but a person you heard of in a story.
Someone who did something cruel, but it’s all right because you understand the reasons that motivated her. ”
“That’s exactly the case,” Nathaniel agreed.
“Everything you said. She made a decision that was hard for her, and that left me in a terrible situation. But I can’t think what else she ought to have done.
If it was one of your loved ones in that situation, if it was one of your sisters, maybe, wouldn’t you want them to leave the man who was treating them poorly? ”
“Of course I would.” Dorothy shivered.
“I’m sorry,” Nathaniel said. “Maybe it was wrong to make it personal like that. But you did ask the question, and I assume it was because you wanted an answer.” He pressed his lips together.
“I don’t have many memories of my mother,” he said.
“I don’t have many thoughts of what it would have been like to have a real relationship with her.
But the memories that I do have are sweet ones, and I can’t wish her ill.
I’m glad that she got away from my father when she did. ”
“And what about the fact that she started a new family? Had a second son and raised him? You never felt that was something that should have come to you?” Dorothy asked. “You deserved to have a mother just as much as Colin does.”
“But those days are behind me now,” Nathaniel said.
“There’s no point in thinking about what I had when I was young, or what I wish I’d had.
I’m not sorry Colin came to exist. I’m not sorry to have him as my brother.
Whatever we all had to go through to reach that outcome, I suppose it was worth it.
And by all accounts my mother’s life was a difficult one.
I can’t remain angry with her, knowing that. ”
“You’re a good man,” Dorothy said quietly, meeting his eyes. “I think…well, I think that whatever lady you eventually choose to marry will be lucky to have you.”
Her voice was slightly breathy as she said it, hinting at some sort of emotion. He frowned. “I thought you weren’t sure if this was a good idea or not. I thought you were only doing it because I had badgered you about it.”
“That is why,” she said. “But you’ve convinced me, Nathaniel.
You’ve made me see that all of this is a good idea.
I don’t know how you managed to forgive your mother for what she put you through.
I don’t think I could have done the same.
I don’t know if you’ll agree with me, but I think you have the biggest heart of any man I’ve ever met. ”
Nathaniel snorted. He didn’t have a big heart at all, and he knew it. He didn’t want unearned compliments. “As long as you’re willing to help me,” he said. “That’s all that matters. Finding a mother for Colin.”
“We’ll make sure that happens,” Dorothy said. “I know we’ll find the right lady, Nathaniel. She’s out there. And once she hears your story, she won’t have any doubts about joining your family.”
Once she hears my story?
Nathaniel hadn’t counted on that. It hadn’t occurred to him that he would need to tell all these things to the lady he married.
And why should I need to? Telling Dorothy was one thing, now that the two of them were speaking so candidly with one another, but the thought of opening up to someone else made him feel nauseous—especially given that the fact he was sharing had to do with his mother’s indecorous choices.
He had no disrespect or judgment for her He had accepted long ago that she was a victim of dire circumstances.
But if he had to tell someone else that his mother—while still married to his father—had given birth to another man’s child… it would be a scandal.
I won’t have to tell. She’s wrong. There’s no reason anyone would need to know all this in order to be a mother to Colin.
But the feeling of ease Dorothy had given him had started to fade. Maybe it was all the talk about his mother, or maybe it was the reminder of how much work lay ahead before his task was done. It seemed insurmountable.
He got to his feet. “It’s getting late,” he said. “I really should be getting you home.”
She didn’t put up any resistance. It was as if she had been expecting this moment, perhaps waiting for him to be the one to say it. She rose to her feet and set down her drink. “Thank you for your hospitality,” she said.
Nathaniel shook his head. “I’m the one who ought to be thanking you. You had no responsibility calling you to come with me today. This wasn’t your family or your problem. You came just because you thought I needed a friend. And you were right. I’m grateful to you for being here.”
She nodded, smiling slightly. “I’m just glad I was able to help,” she told him. “I hope Colin feels better soon.”
He led her to the foyer and sent one of the footmen to get a carriage ready. Then there was an awkward moment where the two of them were left waiting for the footman to return, standing together in the foyer with little to say.
“When will I see you again?” Dorothy asked eventually. Her cheeks went slightly pink. “I mean…so that we can make our plans for finding you a suitable wife.”
“I’ll call on you in a few days,” he told her. “I just want to make sure that Colin is all right, but once he’s recovered, I’ll come to see you and you and I can talk about what comes next.”
Dorothy nodded. “Very well,” she said. “In that case, I’ll expect to hear from you in a few days.”
The footman returned to the door. “The carriage is ready if you are, Lady Dorothy,” he said.
She nodded and started for the door. Then she turned back for a moment, her mouth open as though there was something she wanted to say.
Nathaniel had never felt more torn in his life.
He was ready for her to go, ready to go back to being on his own.
That was the way he was most comfortable, the way he liked to live his life.
But at the same time, it was hard to see her leave, and there was a part of him that very much wanted her to linger.
She closed her mouth. Whatever she’d been about to say, she must have thought better of it. She nodded to him once, then turned and walked out the door. The footman followed her. He would see her back to her home and then return with the carriage.
The door closed behind them, and Nathaniel was alone with his thoughts again.
He wandered back in the direction of the study, but halfway there, he veered off and headed toward Colin’s room instead.
The thought of sitting alone with his thoughts was suddenly unbearable, and he found that he badly wanted the company of his younger brother.
And he felt bad about leaving Colin on his own, too.
He opened the door and slipped in. Helen was there, sitting in the rocking chair, her head drooping to one side.
She had clearly fallen asleep watching over Colin, and Nathaniel felt a burst of gratitude for her.
He was lucky, he knew, to have someone so devoted here to help him care for the boy, and he would see to it that her job remained even after he had found someone to fill the role of Colin’s mother.
He went to Helen and rested a hand on her shoulder. She stirred and blinked up at him.
“Go to bed,” he murmured. “Thank you for all you’ve done tonight. I’ll stay with him until morning.”
She nodded and rose to her feet. “I think the fever has come down a bit,” she whispered. “The physician was right. He’s going to be all right. Perhaps we overreacted. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried you.”
He shook his head. “You did everything right,” he assured her. “I would always rather worry too much about Colin than not enough. If we were wrong and he’s going to be all right, then I’m grateful for it, and that’s all I have to say.”
Helen smiled and saw herself quietly out of the room.
Nathaniel sank down in the chair she had vacated.
He fixed his gaze on Colin, who was sound asleep in his bed and looked as though he wouldn’t be disturbed for anything.
His breathing was so deep and even that Nathaniel suspected it hadn’t really been necessary to whisper to Helen.
Colin probably wouldn’t have heard them even if they had spoken at full volume.
He leaned back in the chair.
He had opened up so much tonight, had shared so much of his life with Dorothy. What was it about her that he found so easy to trust? What was it that put him so at ease that he found himself able to talk about things he hadn’t told even his closest friends?
And why was he trusting her—a woman he hardly knew—to help select Colin’s mother?
He didn’t quite know. He only knew that it was the most faith he had ever placed in another person in all his life.