Chapter 37
“What you need to be thinking about,” Jonathan said as the two of them rode along the edge of the river, “is why she’s reacting to you the way she is.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, everyone saw that kiss,” Jonathan said.
“You didn’t,” Nathaniel pointed out. “You only read about it in the scandal sheets.”
“I didn’t only read about it,” Jonathan reminded him.
“My wife was there, and she saw it. She told me what she saw, which was Dorothy kissing you every bit as much as you were kissing her. She told me that even when she and a few other people had come into the room, Dorothy didn’t pull away.
She said she wasn’t sure, but she thought you were the one who pulled away first.
“I’m not sure either.” Nathaniel pulled his horse to a halt and looked out over the water. “That part all happened so quickly…I don’t know.”
“But the point is,” Jonathan pressed on, “she liked it. She liked that kiss. She wanted it as much as you did. That’s why it happened the way it did.
If she hadn’t enjoyed it, she probably wouldn’t have allowed it at all, or if she had allowed it, she’d have seized on the moment of distraction to bring it to an end. Don’t you think that’s true?”
“Even if it is, what difference does it make?” Nathaniel asked wearily. “So, she enjoyed a kiss. Anybody would.”
“No, that isn’t right,” Jonathan said. “You’re thinking like a gentleman right now. You need to try to approach this by thinking like a lady.”
“You want me to think like a lady,” Nathaniel repeated dryly. “What does that entail?”
“It’s one thing for you or I to go around kissing people,” Jonathan said.
“We would be branded as rakes and scoundrels, and society would disapprove. But it would be different for a lady, and you know that. A lady can be ruined by such a thing. It can dramatically alter the course of her life. A lady wouldn’t kiss you just because kissing is pleasant.
She would need a much better reason than that.
She would be thinking about the possible repercussions, and in order to overcome those things, she would need the kiss to be very alluring indeed.
It would need to be so tempting that she could hardly resist. At least, for a composed lady like Dorothy, it would need to be that way. ”
“You say that as if you know her.”
“I know her as well as any man, I would say. My wife is one of her closest friends, and we do talk about these things,” Jonathan said. “And besides, it’s easy to see if you spend time around her. She isn’t the sort of lady to do things hastily or without thought.”
“She is very thoughtful,” Nathaniel allowed.
“That’s right. Which means that if she was tempted by a kiss, she would have considered what the outcome might be. And to follow through with it, she must have decided she wanted it more than she feared the consequences. Why would she feel that way? Just because kissing is enjoyable?”
“If you’re driving at something then just say it,” Nathaniel urged. “I don’t want to play guessing games.”
Jonathan looked over at him. Nathaniel was aware of it, could see it in periphery, but he didn’t look back. He didn’t want to make eye contact with his friend.
“She cares for you too,” Jonathan said. “She feels something, Nathaniel, and you know it. She must, or she wouldn’t have kissed you back. Not like that.”
Nathaniel was quiet for a long time. This was exactly what he wanted to believe.
But also, it was too good to be true. He couldn’t believe it.
It wasn’t safe to think of things in those terms, because the moment he let himself believe that Dorothy cared for him, he wouldn’t be able to prevent himself from thinking there was some way back to her.
There wasn’t, of course. There couldn't be.
When he was able to speak, he did so through gritted teeth.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “You must see that it doesn’t matter.
You’re speaking to me about feelings, Jonathan, but this is about reality.
This is about the truth of our situation.
She has rejected me. Why would you try to convince me that she feels something now?
What difference can that possibly make?”
“But, of course, it matters,” Jonathan said urgently, abandoning his casual tone now and turning to face Nathaniel head-on.
“She didn’t reject you out of a lack of interest, Nathaniel, or out of any dislike.
She had another reason, and don’t you want to know what that reason was before you walk away from this altogether?
Don’t you want to discover what was behind her dismissal?
It was not disinterest, so it must have been something else, and you know that I’m right about that.
Think through your actions. This is a small window of opportunity, and it’s already beginning to close.
Make sure you are doing what you want to do. ”
Nathaniel drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, struggling to process his friend’s words.
Doing what he wanted to do?
What did that even mean under the circumstances?
What could it mean? He had no choices left but to walk away and accept what Dorothy had said to him.
She wasn’t going to marry him, and that was that.
He could hardly refuse that answer. It was for her to give, and he had no interest in making her feel bullied into a marriage.
He recalled the things she’d said to him during their too-brief time together.
Everyone had thought the two of them were involved in a courtship, she had said.
That had worried her. And then there was the thought that she might spend too much time with him and divert him from finding a mother for Colin.
When he thought of it that way, it did seem as though her feelings for him might have always been there, but that she had always been reluctant to act upon them.
Maybe Jonathan was onto something. What could her reason have been?
Why had it bothered her so deeply to think that people might have the wrong idea about the two of them?
Why did she never marry? I always wondered.
She’s a lovely young lady. She could have married if she had wanted to.
I’m sure someone would have had her, even if she is a wallflower—the moment anyone spoke to her, they would understand how bright and witty she is.
They would understand how good it is to spend time with her, and they would want her around.
They’d fall in love with her. Just as I did.
Why hadn’t it happened? Why hadn’t anyone seen her for how wonderful she was and asked her for her hand?
Or perhaps there was something else behind it?
She doesn’t want to marry. That was the only explanation, and though such things were a rarity among ladies, he knew at once that he was right. If she had wished to marry, she would have been married by now.
If she had wished to marry, she wouldn’t have turned him down.
“It’s not me she rejected,” he said aloud, following through on that line of thought. “It’s the marriage itself. She would have said no to anyone who had asked her.”
“Do you think so?” Jonathan asked.
For the first time since they had stopped, Nathaniel turned to look at his friend. “Do you disagree?”
“I don’t,” Jonathan said. “But I don’t know her the way you do.”
“You just said that you felt you knew her fairly well.”
“And so I do. But you know her far better than I do, Nathaniel. All this time you’ve spent with her, I’m sure you have insights that I don’t.
I think you’re onto something, though. I do know that Violet despaired of her ever finding a husband, and not because she felt that Dorothy wouldn’t have any prospects.
She thought Dorothy wouldn’t choose to marry.
So, it makes sense to me that you’ve reached the same conclusion. ”
“The question is why, then,” Nathaniel mused. “Why would she be so averse to marriage that she would turn down a man she cares for?”
“Is it…possible Colin is the reason?” Jonathan asked him gently. “I hate to suggest it. But I do see how that could be a difficult thing for a lady to accept—becoming a mother to someone else’s child.”
“Yes, it could,” Nathaniel agreed. “But I don’t think that was the problem in this case.
She met Colin. She liked him very much.” He sighed.
“I was a fool not to see it. If there was any lady in the world who would have made the right mother for him, it was Dorothy. No one will ever be as good a fit for that role as she would have been, and I’m sure that she knew it.
She’d have wanted to be his mother every bit as much as I would have wanted her to be.
The truth is, I believe that if she could somehow have him without having me, she would have done it. ”
“Then why?” Jonathan asked. “What could make a lady so averse to marriage, when there’s a gentleman she cares for? Does she have some idea that a marriage would be an unpleasant thing to be a part of?”
Nathaniel didn’t answer for several moments. He stood still, considering the question.
And then, all at once, the pieces fell into place. “It’s her sisters.”
“It’s what?”
“Her sisters. They’re both widows. They’ve both lost their husbands. Seeing that happen…it must have impacted her. Of course it did. She saw them go through the grief of losing the lives they’d planned, and she fears facing that same sort of pain.”
“She has no reason to believe that such a thing would happen to you,” Jonathan objected.
“I’m sure her sisters had no reason to think it would happen to their husbands either. These things happen, and they take people by surprise, Nathaniel said. “It must be the worst surprise a person can suffer…I just can’t imagine.”
He didn’t want to imagine it. The thought of losing the person you loved in such a dreadful way made him ache inside, even though it hadn’t happened to him.
Here he was, distraught and miserable over the fact that Dorothy was out of his life…
but she was still healthy and whole. If she had died, he didn’t know how he would cope with it.
And if that’s her reason, I can completely understand…but in that case, avoiding her is exactly the wrong thing to do! I’m showing her that she’s right to have this fear. That she can lose me if she isn’t careful.
He had to change his approach altogether. He went to his horse and re-mounted.
“Where are you going?” Jonathan asked as he pulled the horse’s head around.
“I’m going to her house,” Nathaniel explained. “I need to speak to her. To let her know that I understand all this and that we can try to find a way to move forward. I need her to know that I’m with her.”
“Nathaniel—”
“No, don’t try to stop me,” Nathaniel said.
“You’re the one who said I needed to figure out a different way to manage this situation.
You were right. I did. And I’ve figured it out.
I need to go to her and tell her that I think I’ve understood her hesitations, and I need to let her know that she can trust me not to disappear.
If there’s any chance of convincing her to marry me, that’s where it lies. ”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Jonathan said. “But you shouldn’t go to her house.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because,” Jonathan said quietly, “she’s staying at mine.”