Chapter Twenty-Four
If Thorn hadn’t believed in order, in design, in fate, in life making right, and prompting choices and changes in direction as he did, he might’ve been more surprised to find the letter he did, waiting for him when they returned from their victorious and intoxicating escapade to the fair.
Only he did believe in such things, and so he wasn’t surprised; he knew full well it was time, and that he’d held out as long as he’d been able to.
What a way to end one chapter, and begin another, he thought to himself in fact, when he’d finished reading it, and set it back down on the old, battered desk they’d found some weeks ago, and put to good use in many various ways since.
Clyde had fetched top price, beyond anything Thorn had dared hope for, and Belinda had also fared nicely.
The connections they’d made at the fair, many thanks to Clyde’s win, and both of their acceptable entries, as well as rumours from the various markets and buyers they’d sold to thus far, had promised—and in some cases already delivered—new clients and opportunities.
Their bet—Hypatia’s idea—had paid off with the success they’d both dreamt of, and it had been an exceptional few days away from home, to truly enjoy himself with Hypatia, and spoil her, and be near her, and see…
All he had. Including and not limited to the unfettered joy and pride he’d seen in her when Clyde had won, sharing that moment with her, seeing just how she spoke and dealt with all those staunch and sometimes stubborn buyers and farmers again, how perfectly extraordinary she was.
It was a time, like that they’d spent at the seaside, that he would keep close, and remember forever.
However now, it is time to set her free in truth.
It was something, a time he’d felt approaching since her family’s visit.
Every day, as they toiled and laughed and shared pleasure and toiled and spoke and lived, he’d felt it nearing.
Felt the truth of her sister’s words; known that to continue on together, would stifle her.
His love would stifle her, limit her, as her family’s need of her had stifled her, trapped her.
Perhaps it already had; perhaps in many ways she’d lost herself to her duty to their marriage, something she’d feared of love from the start.
Since she’d come here, every moment had been devoted to the farm, to this endeavour, and though he knew she enjoyed it, and found much of herself in all she learned and did, found friends, and freedom, and joy, it stole much of her choice.
His needs, the needs of the title, of his role…
they would continue to do so; and that was without even factoring in his love.
Whereas if he walked away, and let her find whatever she was meant to, she would…
Soar higher than I could ever imagine.
‘Everyone has seen fit to point out to me that we should wait to properly celebrate,’ Hypatia said, stirring him from his reveries of her, as he stared out the window, onto the grounds which were becoming ever more resplendent and grateful for their continued tending.
‘Which of course makes complete sense, we’ve only just had our harvest dinner, but I feel is somewhat insulting to Clyde and Belinda’s efforts.
Or perhaps I’m just turning into an aristocrat after all, wanting to have parties for any reason. ’
‘I would say do as you like, we’ve money to spare, but even despite our recent success, and the purchase of that new coach, I’m afraid we’re still pauperis lords and ladies.’
‘Yes, yes. I’ve already chosen a date close to All Hallow’s, once we’ve helped Reeves with his sheep, and much of our own winter preparations are set to be done, and plans are already underway for then. Any news I should know of?’ Hypatia asked, and he heard her coming towards the desk.
For the briefest moment, he pondered letting her find the letter herself, so he wouldn’t have to speak, or explain himself, and find words he’d not managed to in his months of preparation, yet he knew that wasn’t fair, in the least, and not how he wanted to…
End this. That is the term.
‘A letter from London,’ he said, as unemotionally as he could, before turning to face her.
Damn it. She looked so delightful, so reassuring and wondrous, standing there, a scarf on her head, her worst clothes on to prepare for a day with the pigs.
How I love you. ‘The solicitors have managed to secure me rooms of acceptable size, location, and price.’
‘I didn’t realise you’d asked them to do so,’ she frowned slightly, taken off-guard. ‘But then, it is clever, since it won’t be long at all before we need return there.’
The slight darkening of her eyes, the memory perhaps of all that awaited there, or the anticipated loss of this life, told him he was doing the right thing.
I will not adulterate her life now that it is so full.
‘We won’t be going anywhere, Hypatia. I will be returning to London alone, likely first thing in the morning.’
‘I don’t understand,’ she said, staring at him in that manner which broke his heart, and though he knew it was a risk, he rounded the desk to stand before her properly, taking her hands in his. ‘Our plans, Reeves, the winter, you have time, we have time—’
‘Everything will be fine and well without me here. If there is anything grave, or you need anything, send word, but otherwise, you don’t need me here.
’ She opened her mouth to object, but he squeezed her hands gently, urging her to listen.
‘We always knew this day would come, perhaps it’s why we never spoke of it, Hypatia.
There is more to being the Earl of Gadmin than running this estate.
I’ve responsibilities in London I can’t eschew forever, much as I might like to.
And to properly fulfil them, I need time, to learn how it all works, make myself known, understand where I stand on things…
I won’t just sit there as I did earlier this year, lost in a world I didn’t understand.
I can make a change now, make a difference, and to let the power I now hold go unused, would be a waste, and an insult to who I was before. Who I am now.’
‘Then we go together. I’m your countess, I should be by your side—’
‘You should stay here, Hypatia. You’re happy here,’ he breathed, willing her to disagree, which of course, she couldn’t.
‘With time, and work, perhaps we could find a way to be in the city together, but the truth is, you belong here. It is your home, and you are…yourself here. Magnificent. The best caretaker and manager of this place that anyone could ever be, though know, I don’t leave you here to take care of all this for me.
You have launched yourself into this farm, this life, with all you are, and set yourself, and any dreams you could find aside.
It would be the same in London. So I leave you here, because you are happy, and I will not take that from you.
I thought of hiring someone, to take over, but it would not have been fair, and said much I wouldn’t have meant.
But given time, alone, here, you will have the freedom, I hope, to see when you are ready for something more, and search for it.
I want you to dream, and live those dreams. To go explore, to start something new.
I’m leaving you here, because you were chained to a life you didn’t want before, and I won’t do that to you.
It would kill that spirit I love so much.
So I am telling you to stay, and be happy, and know that whatever you want, or need to do or become whatever you want, it will be yours.
However, if we don’t part now…together won’t be your choice.
It will be your duty, your responsibility, and you should only be responsible for what you choose to be.
That’s why I took care of Truffél, you know. So you would be free not to.’
‘I won’t be so happy without you,’ she argued, incomprehension still filling her.
In time though, she’ll see.
‘Yes, you will. You don’t need me, Hypatia.
You never did, and that is good,’ he reassured her, understanding that now, running his knuckles along her cheeks.
‘I like to think that I helped you, gave you the means to escape a life you weren’t happy in, to see what could be, but that is all.
I love you, Hypatia,’ he finally told her, and she blinked, frowning slightly more, not surprised, but mortally confused.
‘And at first, when I realised, perhaps even before, I longed for you to need me as I do, to live, to breathe, but that isn’t the right way of things.
I shouldn’t need you to be happy, and so I am glad that you don’t.
I didn’t tell you before because my love for you, I never want it to limit you.
I want you to grow, and experience all you might not if I remain with you.
I understand, love was never part of our bargain, but I thank you, for allowing me to feel it again.
Now consider this my gift to you. For you might miss me, and I will you, but in time, you will find another freedom you never had.
And that day, you will understand why I am leaving, and I will rejoice for you. ’
Tears gathered in Hypatia’s eyes, as they did in his, and she shook her head, though she didn’t argue; for he was right.
After a long moment silently battling with him, and herself most likely, she fell into him, hugging him tightly, and so he wrapped her in his arms, sure she could hear his heart breaking and rejoicing all at once for her future, and her tears soaked his shirt, while his fell into her hair, and they remained there a very, very long while.
And then they remained there a while longer than that.
This is all for the best, no matter how terribly it shatters my soul.