Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
C edric was aware that he was being exceptionally bad company tonight. The sideways glances his friends kept throwing his way were quite enough to clue him in, but add in the fact that they kept opening their mouths as if to speak before clearly thinking better of it and he was thoroughly annoyed. The tension in the air of the gentlemen's club was thick, and Cedric found himself with neither the ability nor the desire to cut it himself.
He was jolted out of his thoughts by Theodore nudging him with the side of his billiards cue. "Our turn, old chap. Would you like me to take this round?"
Cedric sighed. "I am perfectly capable of playing a game, Notley" he responded crisply. Theodore held his hands up in surrender, stepping back to allow Cedric space. Across the table, Gabriel and Hector smirked at him and he suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.
I'd be better off without the whole damned lot of you , he thought to himself as he lined up his cue. His mind drifted back to Louisa. Was he better off without her, too? Was she better off without him? He wished the answer was as clear cut as it may have been at the beginning of this whole charade.
A hearty cheer rang out from the other side of the table, and Cedric blinked. He had missed the opposing team's ball entirely, to the great delight of Gabriel and Hector. He turned to find Theodore trying hard to look as though he was not glowering.
Cedric shrugged sheepishly. "Apologies, Notley."
"I wouldn't have had this trouble with Campbell you know," warned Theodore. "If he wasn't off getting himself shot at we'd be sweeping this entire affair."
The laughter quietened at the mention of their absent friend, and Cedric thought idly that the tense atmosphere seemed to be getting even worse. Theodore rallied first and prodded Cedric with his cue again. "Come on chaps. Get your head in the game, Pembroke."
Cedric shoved him roughly. "Perhaps I have other things on my mind."
Ignoring his friends' worried expressions, Cedric turned and strode through the crowd. He threw himself down into a plush velvet armchair and snapped at a passing young waiter for another drink. Perhaps he could try drinking his sorrows away alone instead of with friends, he thought. Surely it couldn't hurt? As he resigned himself to his brooding, a figure dropped into the armchair opposite and Cedric groaned out loud at his oldest friend.
Theodore did not look impressed. "What have you done?"
"I don't know what you mean. I came here for a drink and a game, and I find myself being laughed at, poked, being reminded of sorrowful subjects. I have done nothing sir, and it seems I am the only one of us tonight who is on form." It was a pitiful attempt at deflection and both men knew it.
"Don't give me that, Pembroke. How long have we known each other? You're a mad man if you think we can't tell when something is wrong with you."
Cedric said nothing, staring doggedly at the bottom of his glass. The silence stretched on until Theodore broke it. "What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Try again." When Cedric looked up, Theodore was staring intently at him, the determination in his gaze telling Cedric that he would not be letting this go.
Cedric sighed. "Things are just rather tricky at the moment, that's all."
Theodore shifted uncomfortably opposite him, his expression hardening. "Have you hurt her?"
"What?"
"Louisa. Have you done something to her?"
Cedric felt his blood run cold. "Damn you. Damn you to Hell, Notley. How dare you wax on about our bonds of friendship and then accuse me of something unthinkable? Perhaps you don't know me at all, for I surely don't know you."
Theodore's gaze didn't waver. "Oh don't give in to histrionics, St Vincent. Of course we know each other. I wasn't suggesting you're the sort to strike a woman, much less your wife. But there is more hurt in this world than that which leaves bruises upon the skin, a fact I know you are as aware of as I am. I view you as a brother, you know it to be true. But Louisa has no brothers and so there is no one to defend her from ill manners. As her brother in law, I consider that duty to be mine. I won't accept her hurt or saddened by bad behavior, St Vincent, I must make that clear."
"Theodore, enough." Cedric hadn't noticed their friends approach, and Gabriel's voice startled him.
Cedric clenched his fists. "Well then, for your own peace of mind may I assure you that you have nothing to fear, sir. But I'll thank you to keep yourself out of my marriage for we need no interference from you."
Hector shifted from foot to foot nervously. "St Vincent, peace. I'm sure Notley was only-"
" No. " The strength of Cedric's voice caused the group of men to fall silent. "We have no need for your interference, any of you. Louisa is my wife, she is my everything and if you think I'll let anyone come between us, lest of all men who I view as friends, you are mistaken sirs."
He stood abruptly and then froze as his words crashed into his chest. His friends stared at him, stunned by his declaration. Cedric's heart hammered.
What on earth am I saying? 'My everything'? Our marriage is one of convenience, not of love or anything like it. Surely that hasn't changed so quickly, has it?
Cedric found he was unable to deal with the situation any more. He turned, barely able to keep his stride steady, forcing himself not to break into a run. Ignoring the calls of his friends, he reached the door and stumbled out into the crisp night. He had to go home.
The house was quiet and dark when Cedric's carriage drew up into the courtyard. He sat motionless inside, his mind turning his earlier words over and over. He had never felt such stirring emotions before, and found himself wholly unsettled.
A polite cough came from outside the carriage, and Cedric peered out to see his footman hovering by the door. "My lord, are you ready to come inside? Do you need to go elsewhere?"
Where did he need to go? He idly wondered if Louisa had returned home in his absence. If not, what would he do? Should he go to her or leave her alone? He was giving himself a headache with all the possibilities and still, still, he had not exited his carriage.
If I stay in here any longer, Mrs. Brooks will be calling for the doctor.
Cedric nodded to the footman, who opened the door with some relief. Cedric heaved his weary body out into the air and stood, breathing deeply, looking up at his home. Somehow, he thought he could tell that Louisa was still absent from it. There was a coldness seeping from its walls that he had never noticed before. He wondered if it was something he would always notice from now on, if it was a switch that, once flicked on, could never again be turned off.
"My lord?" The footman was hovering again.
Cedric closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again it was with renewed vigor. "Very good, Collins." Collins bowed his head and fell back as Cedric ascended the steps into St Vincent. Cedric, who was too busy wondering when St Vincent had stopped feeling quite so much like a home, barely noticed.
Inside, the house was quiet and Cedric found that he was quite reluctant to bury himself in paperwork in his study. Instead, he paced softly up the stairs and along the corridor in the direction of the nursery. He was sure Kenneth and Abigail would be asleep by now, and he wasn't so selfish that he would wake sleeping children to try and make him feel better about himself, but he suddenly had a sharp yearning to see them.
He quietly cracked open the bedroom door and stepped inside. The curtains were cracked, and soft moonbeams shone down onto the children's beds. Cedric smiled at the sight of Kenneth's face, scrunched up angrily against the light even as he slept deeply. Abigail, in the bed farther from the window, was unaffected by it, her mouth open and little hands clutching the duvet tightly to her chest.
Cedric tiptoed to the window and pulled the drapes together more securely. The room darkened, and Kenneth snuffled behind him. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and turned, smiling as he saw Kenneth's face now relaxed and peaceful. He crossed the room once more, making to leave silently so as not to disturb their peace.
Cedric got most of the way before he tripped over an upturned corner of the rug and stumbled into the oak end table, slamming his leg into the wood with a hard thump. Pain shot across his foot and he hissed into his fist, turning to check the children hadn't woken. Hobbling slightly, he made it to the door and reached for the knob.
"Uncle Cedric? Is that you?"
He sighed and turned to see Abigail sitting up in bed, rubbing her bleary eyes. "I'm sorry for waking you, my dear. Go back to sleep," he whispered.
"You missed story time," she answered sleepily, making Cedric's heart clench.
"And I am very sorry for it. You shall have to tell me all that happened tomorrow morning at breakfast. Now, it's late, go back to sleep." Abigail made no move to slide back underneath her covers, so Cedric sighed and turned towards her bed. "Here. I shall tuck you back in all snug like a bug."
"I'm not a bug, I'm a little girl," she giggled. He tried to hush her so that they wouldn't wake her brother but Kenneth, who Cedric suspected could sense he was being left out even in unconsciousness, had already begun to stir.
"Abigail? Wha's'hap'ing? Is there a monster?"
"No, no monsters here, not since Mrs. Brooks chased them all away with a broom," Cedric reassured him. "I was silly and woke your sister and now you. But you can both go back to sleep and I will see you in the morning."
By now however, both children had struggled upright in bed and Cedric sighed. He was beginning to suspect it would take longer than he hoped to get them both back to sleep.
He began to suggest reading them a story, but Abigail was quicker. "Where's Aunt Louisa?"
Cedric stopped short. He hadn't been expecting his niece to question him on his missing wife, and he wasn't remotely sure how to answer her question without inviting further, more difficult ones to follow. But Abigail waited patiently, and now Kenneth was staring wide eyed too.
Cedric cleared his throat and tried for a soothing tone. "Your Aunt Louisa has gone to visit her papa and sisters for a few days, that's all. She hasn't seen them in quite a while and she misses them."
Abigail considered this. "When will she come home?"
"Soon," Cedric replied, hoping that he wasn't inadvertently lying to a child.
"Did Mama and Papa not like us anymore?"
Cedric and Abigail both turned in shock to stare at Kenneth. He sat with his knees tucked up under his child, and though his eyes were watery they were firm and determined.
"Child, what on earth do you mean? Where did you get such a notion?"
"I heard Letty in the scullery crying about how her special friend from the butcher's who kept giving her spare sausages and ham doesn't want to see her anymore. She told Ellis that he abandoned her because he doesn't like her anymore."
Cedric nodded slowly. "Okay. But what does a scullery maid's, ah, gentleman have to do with your mother and father?"
"Well, if Letty's friend abandoned her because he doesn't like her anymore, and that's why he doesn't come to see her anymore, does Aunt Lady not like us anymore and that's why she abandoned us? And if she abandoned us, is the reason we don't live with Mama and Papa anymore because they don't like us either? Are we bad , Uncle Cedric?" Kenneth's voice pitched dangerously high as he rushed to complete the thoughts that had been plaguing him ever since Louisa had left.
Cedric dropped down onto Kenneth's bed and gathered the small boy tightly into his arms. "Kenneth, that is not true. Your mama and papa loved you dearly. They never would have abandoned you. And Louisa loves you too, I promise she does. She loves you both so much and she has not abandoned us, and she will come back to us. She will."
Abigail crawled out of her bed and joined the embrace. Cedric sat holding the children until their bodies slumped limply against him and their breathing evened out. His mind whirled. He had no idea Kenneth was putting pieces together in this way, but a more pressing thought niggled at him. He had promised the children that Louisa would return when he had no right to make such a promise. Would he turn out to be a liar when she refused to come back to his house? He was certain she cared greatly for the children, but would that care really override her opinions of him? If she had fled him, could he really be sure she would return?
Cedric moved Abigail back to her own bed and turned to leave, suddenly exhausted. His heart leapt and he clapped a hand to his mouth to prevent himself from exclaiming as he caught sight of a shadowy figure standing in the doorway, watching him.
Louisa .
Louisa felt wearier than she could ever remember feeling before. The whole journey back to St Vincent had been fraught as she battled with her own emotions. She had thought it bad enough when all she had to worry about was the way Cedric toyed with her heart and emotions. First, with his icy demeanor and insistence on their marriage being for convenience only, then with his supposed thawing and desire for friendship, then by kissing her and cruelly dashing her away again. Louisa felt dread as the coach came to a halt outside the house and Collins rushed to open the door for her. She simply did not know what to do.
Entering the quiet house, she had meant to go straight to bed, unsure if she could possibly face seeing one more person. But as she reached the landing she glanced towards the children's room and saw the open door. She frowned. Surely the little ones are in bed by now?
She reached the door to find Cedric holding them tightly, murmuring into Kenneth's hair. Louisa's heart ached. How could this man be so, so complicated? She watched quietly from the shadows as the children slid back into sleep and Cedric tucked them both into bed, smoothing down the sheets. He turned and saw her in the doorway, and in the gloom she could see the surprise in his eyes as he forced himself not to exclaim out loud. A small part of herself felt rather pleased at having elicited such a reaction.
Louisa turned and walked from the room, hearing Cedric's footsteps as he hurried to join her, closing the door softly behind him.
"Louisa," he breathed, and she had to swallow hard before she permitted herself to turn and look him in the eye.
"Lord St Vincent."
Something flashed across his face, confusion chasing what she thought for a split second was hurt. "I'm so glad you've returned to us. That is to say, the children have missed you."
"Yes. Well. I have missed them too. I shall be glad to see them at breakfast."
"I trust your family is well?"
"Fine, thank you, my lord."
Louisa watched with some grim satisfaction as Cedric struggled to think of what to say. For so long he had been the cold and distant one, and it seemed to Louisa that he had no idea how to react when he was faced with that same behavior against him.
"And it was a good journey back? Smooth, I mean?"
"It was fine." Cedric went to speak again but Louisa broke in, suddenly keenly aware of how exhausted she was. "If you'll excuse me, my lord, it was a most tiring day. I shall retreat to my chambers now."
"I- well yes, of course. Goodnight, Louisa." Cedric's confusion was evident but still he stepped aside to let her pass.
As she crossed his path however, he reached out to gently touch her elbow. "I truly am glad you have returned."
Louisa sniffed. "I did not have much choice, did I? I have not forgotten about the ball you informed me we shall be attending."
Cedric blinked. "I could look at it again if you wish, see if we truly have to make an appearance."
"Of course we do. We're newlyweds. Imagine the scandal if we didn't. Don't worry, I won't make a fuss. Goodnight, my lord."
Louisa slipped away from his outstretched hand and towards her bedroom. She couldn't help but notice that through their entire interaction Cedric had been unable to tear his eyes away from her. Shut safely behind her bedroom door, she breathed deeply.
She truly did not know whatever she was going to do.