Chapter 23 #2
“Ex-wife. Almost ex-wife. Delilah, she’s crazy. She was so nice and normal when we met, but somewhere along the way she lost her mind. She started believing all these wacky things and putting hair dye in my shampoo. I had to get out of that marriage.”
“Right, of course. I mean, women, right? And what about children? You have a daughter?”
“Sadie. She lives with her mother. I think Delilah has poisoned her against me. I haven’t seen her in—”
“How old is Sadie, Earl? When’s her birthday? What grade will she be starting in a few weeks? Does she have a favorite color? Favorite movie? Does she play sports or like to read? Do you call her when she’s not with you?”
“Well, no, but it’s like I said. That bitch Delilah won’t let me—”
“And Delilah. She’s pregnant, correct?”
“Yes, but that’s not my problem. She was cheating on me.”
Delilah grips my hand tight, and I give her a reassuring squeeze.
We knew this would be hard to listen to, I try to tell her with my eyes.
I’m going to cut his nuts off, she answers with hers.
“And that’s why you requested a paternity test as part of your divorce and custody proceedings. Did you know I happen to have access to those results right here on my phone?” There’s a pause, and I know James is pulling up the file he went over with us earlier this morning.
Time for the kill shot.
“Ninety-nine point nine percent chance of probable paternity. But you knew that already, didn’t you, Earl?
Just like you knew the only chance you had of getting under Delilah Hudson’s skin and coming out of your divorce with the upper hand was to go after her children.
Funny how you were so intent on securing custody of Sadie Hudson and the unborn child, yet you couldn’t tell me a thing about Sadie, and you lied about your knowledge of paternity. ”
A video plays, one we’ve already seen. Earl in his sleazy lawyer’s office going on a rant about Delilah and me and how he can’t wait to take everything from us.
“But what are you going to do when you actually get granted custody? You don’t want the kids, do you?”
“I’ll have a new wife lined up by then. She can take care of the brats; I’ll keep living my life the way I want, and Delilah will be miserable. I can’t think of a better outcome than that.”
“That’s…you can’t have that…you can’t…I have attorney-client privilege.”
“Well, Earl. I suggest finding yourself a better attorney. It was insanely easy and surprisingly cheap to buy this dirt ball off. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he loses his license.
I wouldn’t want any other poor, unsuspecting ex-spouses getting caught up in his dealings.
But my, my, my am I glad that he was willing to sing like a bird when I asked about you, Earl.
In fact, that seems to be a running theme among the people in your life.
As you’ll see here, I managed to procure written affidavits from five of the women you engaged in extramarital affairs with during your marriage to Delilah Hudson.
This one in particular, I found very interesting. A Ms. Mindy Price—”
“Mindy is a lying fucking bitch—”
“A Ms. Mindy Price,” James continues, slightly louder to overshadow Earl’s crying.
“who is also pregnant with a child. A child, who, would you look at that? Ninety-nine point nine percent chance of probable paternity. I gotta say, Earl. For a tiny little man like yourself, you sure are fertile. I kind of feel bad for the kids, though it’s probably a good thing you aren’t around.
I had a deadbeat dad myself, and I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t be the man I am today if he’d had any part of raising me. I think that makes your kids lucky.”
“I’m going to fucking kill Delilah. I know she’s behind this. Ruining my cars and my hair wasn’t enough for her. Selfish cunt needs to have fucking everything. Bitch thought she could fuck with me? She’s got another thing coming.”
The booth rattles, and while I can’t tell exactly what is happening on the other side, I’d guess that Earl is either searching for his phone to call Delilah or is trying to squeeze his beer gut out from behind the table.
“Ah, I have a strict no-phones rule in my meetings, Earl. I’ll take that,” James chastises as if he’s speaking to a child. I’m guessing he must have plucked the phone right out of Earl’s hand, because he starts cursing and demanding that it be given back immediately.
“You’ll get your phone back when I’m finished with you.”
“Fuck that. You’re finished with me now. You think I’m going to go into business with you when you’re treating me like shit and siding with these fucking bitches you don’t even know?”
There is a special place in hell for men who repeatedly refer to women as bitches, and I personally hope I get to visit someday so I can see Earl burning in hellfire.
“You know, they said you were pretty fucking dumb, Earl, but I didn’t want to believe them. I like to see the good, remember? But I have to say, I think they’re right. There isn’t a whole lot going on behind those eyes, is there?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“I was never going into business with you. I don’t give a shit about you or your crappy chop shop or your little Instagram account where you do a shitty Vanilla Ice cosplay and DM dick pics to AI models at three in the morning.
I’m here because I don’t like people who use their power to crap all over others.
You see, I took a nice, long look into your business.
The Earl Of Auto, opened by Arthur Ellis Booth thirty-six years ago after his only son was born.
Once a booming mechanic shop serving its community, it’s now circling the drain despite the fact that it’s the only place within fifty miles to get an oil change and you grossly overcharge your customers. How is that possible?”
“I’m out of here.” The booth shifts again, and this time, the looming shadow of James casts over Delilah and me.
“You’re not going anywhere. Now sit the fuck down.”
More movement, and I can tell that James has switched sides to trap Earl into the booth. I wonder if he’ll try to crawl out from under the table like a whiny kid.
That would be a sight to see.
“I gained access to years and years of back accounting documents, and let me tell you, they read more interestingly than a thriller. Look at all this fraud. Year after year of under-reporting sales, underpaying employees, dealing in cash so it can be slid off to the side without anyone noticing. You’re a sports betting man, right?
Of course I’m right. I talked to your bookie.
I know how much you owe. No wonder you’re charging a hundred bucks for tire rotation.
Got that second mortgage on the house, too.
You’re drowning, Earl. It’s only a matter of time before all this comes back to bite you in the ass.
It would be a shame if someone with a lot of money and even more connections knew about your deepest, darkest secrets and was only one phone call away from ruining you. ”
“Are you blackmailing me?”
“No, of course not,” James coos. “I’m giving you options, Earl.”
“Fuck that. You are trying to blackmail me. This is bullshit. You ain’t got shit on me.”
James chuckles, a low, dark sound that sends a shiver racing down my spine.
Here we go. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. I squeeze Delilah’s hand in mine once more, mouthing I love you.
I love you too.
Then I take a deep breath and close my eyes, waiting for James to make his final move.
Finish him.
“I could leave right now. I don’t have to listen to a word you say.”
“You could. And I could destroy your life without breaking a sweat, and I wouldn’t feel the slightest bit guilty about doing it.
See? We all have options. Now, are you going to listen to your options, or are you going to let me decide for you?
Because I gotta tell you, Earl, I don’t think you’ll like what I pick. ”
I rub the back of my neck, sure that I can feel the steam that must be emanating from Earl’s ears.
“What do you want from me?”
“It’s simple. You are going to sign over your business to me and allow me to dissolve it.
Trust me, that’s the kindest offer you will receive because tax fraud is no joke.
That’s how they got Capone, you know. You can figure out how to pay off your bookie on your own.
You’re going to drop the custody suit with Delilah Hudson and you’re going to sign the original divorce papers she served you with.
You will also sign over full custody of Sadie Hudson and the unborn child to Delilah, and you’ll do the same with Ms. Price and her child. ”
“Fuck them. I’ll sign over legal rights.”
“No, you won’t. Because you will be paying child support for all three of your children at the maximum amount the court requires.
The women will retain full custody of their children, and any contact or visitation will remain at their discretion until the children turn eighteen.
You will also leave town, because neither Delilah, her kids, nor any of the other women you’ve fucked with around here need to see your face again.
You’ve done enough damage for a lifetime.
You do that and I'll keep all these delicious little secrets I’ve found out about you to myself, and no one is any the wiser.
You can go find yourself a new small town to infiltrate, though I doubt you’ll have any luck making friends.
Your personality is incredibly off-putting. ”
Delilah has her fist pressed to her mouth, her teeth sinking into her knuckles as the seconds drag on.
This is the part where we risk everything.
If Earl calls the bluff or James can’t follow through, we’re putting our family on the line.
The strings of knots in my stomach pull tighter, and I wait with bated breath to see what Earl will say next.
“And if I don’t agree to your terms? If I say fuck you, Richie Rich, and walk out of this bar right now?”
“Then I use every tool in my box to destroy you. I go to the IRS, the FBI, the damn Navy SEALs. I’ll dig up even more dirt on you—don’t deny it, we both know you’ve got some nasty skeletons in your closet.
I won’t stop until you are behind bars serving the maximum sentence for tax fraud and whatever else I can pin on you.
You’ll lose everything. Your bookie, he’s a real treat.
He’ll probably pay someone on the inside to beat the shit out of you.
Hell, there’s probably a hundred people willing to grease the palm of anyone willing to look the other way while you get what’s coming to you.
And while you’re in prison, you’ll still have to pay all that child support and if you ever see the outside of a cell again, you’ll be saddled with so much debt that not even my kind of money could save you.
So what do you say, Earl? Do you want to take what’s behind door number one or door number two? ”
“You can’t do this to me. I’ll run. You’ll never find me,” Earl whispers, so quiet I can barely hear him.
James chuckles, a low, dark sound that sends shivers racing down my spine.
“Oh, Earl. You thought pink hair dye in your shampoo and rotting meat under the seat of your precious Mustang was bad? I’m the boogeyman, motherfucker.
I’m everywhere. You can run all you want, but you’ll never outrun me.
You’ll never escape me. So I’d think long and hard about what you say next because I might be a patient man, but I don’t enjoy repeating myself. I want an answer, Earl. Now.”
The tension in the air is thicker than the humidity outside. I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, suspended in time while my future and the future of the woman I love hang in the balance. Finally, after an eternity, Earl speaks up again.
“I’ll do it. I’ll sign the divorce papers. I’ll sign over custody. I’ll pay whatever I have to pay.”
“And you’ll leave town and never come back.”
“And I’ll leave town and never come back. Just don’t…I can’t go to prison. I know I fucked up, but I can’t do time. I just can’t. I’ll give them whatever they want as long as you don’t turn me in.”
My head snaps towards Delilah, who is already staring back at me with her hand clasped over her mouth. Together, we silently scream.
We did it. We took the motherfucker down.
The sound of a heavy hand slapping a shoulder followed by Earl’s pathetic wince reverberates throughout the quiet bar.
“Well, would you look at that? Seems you do have two brain cells to rub together after all. We’ll head on over to the office of Mason & Mason right now and get those papers signed.”
“Right now?” Earl squeaks.
“Of course. You think I’m taking any chances with you skipping town?
I’ll drop you off at the rent-a-truck place afterwards, and you can get to packing your things.
I want you out of Fox Hole by dawn. Don’t forget, Earl.
I’ve got eyes everywhere. I’ll be watching you for the rest of your life, so you do your best not to step out of line.
I’m not someone you want to make angry.”
James stands, casting that enormous shadow over us once more. This time, I take a chance and turn my head to look at him. He winks, then pulls Earl out of the booth by the collar of his polo shirt.
“Just one more thing. You’re going to apologize to Delilah for the hell you’ve put her through right now.”
In all fairness to him, Earl doesn’t look at all shocked to see that Delilah and I have been sitting behind him for this entire encounter. I suppose he’s too busy trying not to piss his pants to start his usual mean bullshit with us today.
“I’m sorry,” he mutters, and James yanks him higher until he’s balancing on his toes.
“What was that?”
“I said I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Delilah! I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better. The kids deserve better. I promise I’m going to leave you alone. Don’t let him hurt me.”
The last part comes out like a squeaking mouse toy. I don’t bother muffling my laughter.
“Delilah, is there anything you’d like to say before we go?
” James asks. Delilah looks at me, and with a wordless exchange and a slight nod of my head, she turns back to the men.
And in unison, we twiddle our fingers at the soon-to-be ex-husband slash missing person that no one in this town is going to miss at all.
“Goodbye, Earl.”