Chapter Eleven
He had never thought of his castle as romantic, but he felt something now, looking at her as she gazed up at it with such adoration on her face.
He had not felt anything for another woman in many, many years.
He had not expected to feel anything again.
And yet…there was no use denying it. She sparked something within him that he had thought long dead.
Something stronger than he had ever felt before, if he were honest.
He had been fond of Laura, and they had even shared some passion, eventually. But he had never felt like a tinderbox waiting to go up in flames, as he did now.
It was dangerous and exciting, and he felt like a boy again, excited to show off his castle to her.
"Well, you must see inside – see what you think of the light – before you make your final judgement," he said, mock-seriously.
"Of course," Constance said, as though she were surveying the property. "Let us go in."
He held open the door for her and then followed her down the corridor, which she had, of course, seen before. Still, he watched as she took in the oak-panelled doors and the paintings of his ancestors with interest, and then looked back at him for direction.
"The library is right at the end, in a turret. I think you’ll like it – there’s something about a circular library that just feels quite special."
She nodded and quickened her pace, clearly keen to see the room.
Be careful, Ezra, he told himself. She’s just interested in the castle. Don’t let your heart get involved where it doesn’t belong.
◆◆◆
"It’s beautiful," Constance said, running her hand along the stone wall of the library before stopping at the shelves to examine some of the titles. "And so much history within these walls, don’t you think?"
"I suppose so," the Earl – Ezra – said. He had a smile on his face, but she rather thought he was humouring her. She doubted he was truly as interested in the history as she was.
"And what a use for a turret," she continued excitedly. "Now that you no longer need to defend the castle from invasion. What lies above it? Is it another enchanting room, or did all the effort go into this one?"
He hesitated, and for a moment a pained expression crossed his features before he said, "It is a bedchamber. Anyway, shall we move on?"
He showed her everywhere downstairs, and though things were inexplicably a little awkward after her question – though she could not understand why – he warmed up again when they ascended to the gallery and looked out over the entrance hall.
"Can you imagine…knights returning from battle to dine here? Great feasts…" She smiled wistfully. "Oh, sometimes I wish I could step back in time, just to see how everyone lived. These castles are such beautiful homes, but they speak of a bygone era. An era I rather wish I could experience."
"A much more dangerous era," Ezra said softly.
"That’s true. I don’t know if I’d wish to go back there permanently, to live my life there, but just to visit… if such a thing were possible."
"It would be interesting, I grant you," he said. "But if you could go back in time, would you not be tempted to choose the more recent past? To visit loved ones, or to right wrongs?" He gave a small shrug. "I think that’s what I would choose to do…"
She thought for a moment and wondered if he was speaking of the wife she knew he had lost. "I suppose I would like to see Mama again," she said with a sad smile. "But I’m not sure there’s anything I would change. Not that I’ve always made the right decisions, don’t get me wrong – after all, I came into this castle thinking it was empty, did I not?
But I find that every action, every event, has a reason; it leads to something else.
No matter how painful, or embarrassing, or disruptive.
I suppose I would worry that if it were possible – if I could go back in time and change things – would I, unsuspectingly, change something that I would want to happen in the future? "
She glanced along the corridor to the left and right. "I suppose I believe everything is decided by God, and so it is not my place to change it. Anyway, where will you show me next? I imagine you have a fantastic view from the highest rooms, with the castle being on a hill."
◆◆◆
She spoke in such an offhand manner, and yet her words held such depth.
He had never believed that Laura’s passing could be something God had decided upon.
He wasn’t even sure if he truly believed in God, if he was honest with himself.
But was her passing bound to happen? Was it simply a life event that could not be changed, part of the path he was meant to walk? That, he did not know.
"This way," he said, heading in the opposite direction of the nursery, which had been shut up since Laura had died, since the child had died, since there had been no need for it. It wasn’t a room he ever entered, nor did the staff. As much as he wanted to please Lady Constance, he could not bring himself to show her that room. Nor could he show her the countess’s chamber, which was above the library in its own charming circular turret.
But he could show her the attic – with its slit windows and its incredible view over Northumberland.
"There is a fantastic view, if you don’t mind getting a little dusty," he said, looking down at her dress, which was finer than the one she had worn when she had thought his house abandoned. "But if you’d rather not…"
She grinned at him, a twinkle in her eye. "Of course I want to. Lead the way."
He loved how enthusiastic she was: how keen for adventure, how unconcerned with propriety.
So far, everywhere they had been, the doors had been open and staff could have walked in at any moment.
But up in the attics, they would be entirely alone.
Not that he intended anything to happen.
In spite of his feelings, he was nothing if not a gentleman.
But she surely had to know that it was not entirely proper for her to be alone with him in such a setting.
The wooden ladder up to the attics had not been used much since Ezra was a boy, but it still seemed sturdy enough.
He sent Constance up ahead, so that if she fell, he might catch her.
He let her climb most of the way before starting himself, realising, with some discomfort, that if he climbed too soon, they would be far too close for propriety.
The attics were used as storage now, but when Ezra had been a boy, he had played up there, making up his own games that usually involved pretending to shoot arrows out of the windows at imaginary foes.
He had never had brothers or sisters, having become earl at a young age after the death of his father in a riding accident.
But he had always wished for a playmate.
Sometimes he had dragged the cook’s son – or even a young footman – into his games, but his mother had always put a stop to it when she found out.
She had liked for things to be done properly, and it was not appropriate for the young earl to be playing with the servants’ children.
He knew now, as an adult, that she had only wanted to preserve the good name of the earldom, but it had led to a rather lonely childhood, where he was forced to rely upon his imagination and play both sides of any game.
"Goodness!" Constance exclaimed as she reached a window and saw the vast distance visible on such a clear day. You could see Blackthorne Castle, a small dot on the horizon, and the sea sparkling under the sun. Coral Cove was visible too, and even Amblewood, if you knew where to look.
He had liked to think, as a boy, that he could see the whole county from here, and had pretended to defend it many times.
"The Duchess of Coldingham mentioned you had a sister," he said, and then realised it probably seemed rather out of the blue, considering she did not know he had been musing on his loneliness. "I used to play up here when I was a boy," he explained. "Do you and your sister get on well?"
Constance nodded. "We are very different, but yes, we do. And I can imagine it would be rather lonely growing up without any siblings at all. After Mama died, we were each other’s only companions for a long time, while our father battled his grief, and we were rather forgotten.
" She paused. "Goodness, I feel I have rather over-shared – my apologies. "
But Ezra shook his head. "Not at all. It was lonely, and I often wished for a sibling. I didn’t even really make friends until I was sent away to boarding school. Before then, I had a tutor here, and so was always alone."
◆◆◆
Even though he had not invited his mother for tea, she came anyway. It wasn’t unusual for her to turn up unannounced, but he really wished she hadn’t done so today. He had wanted this time to show Lady Constance the castle without interruption.
"The Dowager Countess is here, my lord," Soames said as he entered the parlour.
Ezra tried not to let his disappointment show, for it would not do for Lady Constance to realise that he had wanted them to be alone.
He glanced over at her and smiled. "My mother likes to drop in for tea," he said.
"How lovely," she replied, though he thought he saw a flicker of disappointment cross her own face too.
Well, his mother could be quite intimidating.
"I didn’t know you would have company, Ezra," his mother said as she swept into the room with a faintly disapproving look on her face.
Ezra and Constance both stood. "You remember Lady Constance Beaumont, Mother? From the ball? She was at Blackthorne too – and she has a real interest in castles."
"Well then, Gracewood must be one of the finest to see around," his mother said.
"Indeed," Constance replied quickly. "It is beautiful. And it is an honour to see you again, Lady Gracewood."
"Likewise, I’m sure," his mother said.
"Lord Gracewood has been giving me a tour of the castle," Constance continued.
"Has he?" his mother said, raising her eyebrows. "He’s normally rather private."
Irritation rose in Ezra’s chest. She sounded critical, and yet she was the one who had told him he needed to socialise more. Well, that was exactly what he was doing, and now she wasn’t happy?
"He’s been a wonderful host," Constance said warmly, flashing him a smile. "And I feel so lucky to see another of the wonderful castles of the area."
"Is that your reason for being in Northumberland?" the Dowager asked.
"It is part of it, yes. But really, I am here to spend time with my grandmother, the Dowager Duchess of Basingstoke. She lives on the other side of Coral Cove, and she was rather lonely, so I have come to stay with her for a while."
"How kind. And during the Season, too! Why, for an unwed, titled young lady, that must be quite a wrench. Or have you tired of the London Season?"
"It does not hold great appeal for me," Constance said. "I would much prefer to be in Northumberland, looking at castles, I must admit."
"Indeed," his mother said, and Ezra could hear the disapproval in her tone.
He was sure she believed that the only proper place for a young lady during the Season was London – until she found herself a suitable husband.
The idea that someone might not enjoy such a thing, might make different choices, was surely alien to her.
"We’ll have more tea, Soames," his mother said, taking charge as she generally did.
"Very good, Your Ladyship," the butler replied, before disappearing to fulfil her orders.
Ezra tried to hide a sigh and returned to his seat. His mother had always been thus, even when Laura had been alive. Laura had been such a gentle soul; she had accepted the Dowager’s intrusion into the running of the castle, even though, as countess, she should have been the one in charge.
In the years since Laura’s death, his mother’s interfering had only increased – though he had not truly noticed until now how quick she was to assume the role of countess once more: to drop by unannounced, to preside as hostess, to make herself quite at home.
When he saw it through Lady Constance’s eyes, it all seemed rather more intrusive.
◆◆◆
Ezra’s mother disapproved of her, Constance could tell.
It wasn’t something she was unaccustomed to.
Though she was titled and not unattractive, and possessed a reasonable dowry, she was generally considered too tall, too outspoken, and too interested in matters outside society to be viewed as a particularly good match.
Oh, a fortune-hunter would certainly marry her without hesitation, but she had no wish for such a man. And the few men who had introduced her to their mothers had made it perfectly clear that she was not the mother’s first choice. In the end, she had not been the son’s either.
Hence why she was here – unwed, and being criticised, ever so politely, by the Dowager Countess.
And yet, she wasn’t even here in pursuit of the Earl. She was here to see the castle.
Yes, perhaps there was a spark between them – something she had not felt before – but that did not mean he felt it too. Why would he? His reaction to her when she had been dressed simply was something he had apologised for, yes, but it had made everything perfectly clear.
When she did not go to excessive lengths to make herself look prettier or more feminine than she really was, he had simply shouted at her to get out, refusing to listen to a word of explanation.
So there was no way he could possibly be interested in her romantically, not really. His mother need not concern herself.