Chapter 6
“You are quiet this afternoon.”
Beatrice glanced at her friend, then shrugged and looked away as the carriage brought them towards Gunters. “I am a little tired, that is all.”
“Are you sure that is all?” Lady Norah smiled as Beatrice frowned, glancing at her. “I do not mean to pry, but you have been a little… well, somewhat distracted these last few occasions. I do hope that there is not something about our friendship that troubles you so.”
Eager to dispel such notions just as quickly as she could, Beatrice shook her head. “Not in the least. Do not think that there is anything the matter between you and me, Lady Norah.”
“Just ‘Norah’, please.” She smiled. “I think that we are friends now, are we not?”
Beatrice’s heart softened at this. “Yes, indeed we are.” Then mayhap I should tell her all.
It had been a sennight since she had been last in Lord Surrey’s company, and ever since that time, she had been quite unable to stop thinking of him.
There had been such a pain in his eyes when he had spoken; she had wanted to beg of him to tell her all that troubled him, to explain to her what it was that had pulled them apart – but he had not.
She should set her heart against him, she knew, but there was a faith in him that she could not release.
Her wrestling had not taken a good deal of time, quickly convinced that he had spoken the truth to her.
There was something that had pulled him back from her, which meant that his whispered words of love had been genuine.
That was not something she was willing to forget or set aside, not when her own heart remained warm towards him.
It is not that I want him to love me still, she thought to herself, as Lady Norah waited patiently for her to respond. I want to know the truth, that is all.
“It is to do with Lord Surrey,” she said, slowly, not looking at Lady Norah as the truth was carefully spoken rather than rushed with hurried words. “He and I shared a connection a year last Christmas.”
Lady Norah nodded. “Yes, you said.”
“I did not give you the truth,” Beatrice responded, with a small, wry smile.
“I confess that to you now, but I had my reasons for doing so. I did not want to speak of something that was so very painful but also so wonderful at the very same time.” Seeing Lady Norah’s lifted eyebrows, Beatrice tried to smile, but it did not come easily.
“Lord Surrey said he would come to speak with me again after we shared a… a close moment. He spoke of love, Norah.”
“Love?” Lady Norah’s astonishment was more than apparent; her eyes flared wide as Beatrice nodded. “And yet, you are not being pursued by him now?”
With a twist of her lips, Beatrice let out a small sigh.
“I do not know why,” she answered, “but I should like to know what held him back from me. I have asked him, I have nearly begged him to be truthful, but he will not be so. His answers remain hidden, his truth held back from me, and there is nothing that I can do about it.”
“Oh, I am so very sorry to hear of your suffering,” Lady Norah said quickly, her eyes holding fast to Beatrice’s as they stood together in the street, no longer walking. “That must have been very painful indeed for you.”
“It still is.” Beatrice’s heart began to ache as she turned her steps back towards Gunters, not wishing to dwell on what was being shared.
“I am here to find a match, however, and I suppose I must be practical. All the same, I do want to know what it was that pulled him from me. I had hoped… well, I had thought that if there were still those feelings within his heart, he might then begin to consider me anew, but it seems that he wants nothing more to do with me and wants to make as if we were strangers!”
Lady Norah clicked her tongue, her expression heavy. “How very frustrating for you. I presume that you yourself felt something for Lord Surrey?”
A sigh broke from Beatrice’s lips without warning. “Yes,” she breathed, half to herself, half to Lady Norah. “I certainly did have feelings for him.”
“And yet, you will have to consider another?”
Beatrice nodded. “I must, for I am to make a suitable match,” she said, heavily.
“I did not expect this, Norah. I did not expect him to be present in London, and I most certainly did not think that my curiosity would drive me with such force, but yet, it has – and it does still! I think the only thing that would push me from him would be to see him courting another. That would tell me that all is lost.”
Those words were only just out of her mouth when, coming out of Gunters, there came the very gentleman she had been speaking with.
Beatrice stopped short, coming to a standstill as she saw him smile, her gaze travelling to the lady on his arm.
She, with fair hair and light blue eyes, smiled back at Lord Surrey, laughing lightly at something he said.
Her heart shattered. Pain like nothing she had ever known before swamped her, making it hard to breathe.
It was as if fate, hearing what she had said, had decided to set upon her all that she needed to walk away from him, but Beatrice had not expected the sheer agony that came on her heart on seeing him with another.
“Mayhap that is his sister?”
Beatrice shook her head, her feet weighed, almost dragging along the pavement as she moved towards Gunters with as much dignity as she could.
She knew, from their conversations, that he had no sister and, indeed, no cousins or the like, so this could certainly not be someone that he was chaperoning.
She could speak no words, her voice gone from her, her throat tight and lips clamped shut for fear that if she spoke even a single word, sobs would burst from her instead.
“He has seen you, Beatrice,” Lady Norah whispered, not looking at the gentleman but glancing at Beatrice herself. “There is no smile on his face any longer.”
Unwillingly, Beatrice’s eyes moved of their own accord towards him.
Lord Surrey’s face held no happiness; no light was in his expression, no curved smile on his lips.
Instead, the color was gone from his cheeks, his shoulders slumped, and even as the lady on his arm said something and laughed again, his expression remained dulled.
I cannot.
“Can you take my arm, Norah?” Her words came out in a rush, her heart beating painfully.
Her friend responded at once, taking Beatrice’s arm in her own and leading her into Gunters.
Beatrice did not let her gaze linger on Lord Surrey, did not look at him again, but instead held her eyes steady as she looked ahead, telling herself that above all things, she had to remain composed.
No one save Norah knew of the connection between them.
No one but her had heard his whisper of love.
And that was all it was, she realized, a whisper.
Sitting down heavily in a chair as Lady Norah sat down opposite, Beatrice dropped her head forward and looked down at her clasped hands.
There was nothing for her now but a memory, a memory of their kiss, of his hope-filled declaration.
There could be nothing between them again, and it was best, if she could, to do her utmost to forget him.
“Are you all right?” Lady Norah leaned forward as Beatrice took in a long breath, filling her lungs with air and trying her best to keep an expression of calm fixed to her face. “That must have been profoundly difficult.”
Beatrice closed her eyes, gripped her hands in her lap, and nodded. “I am well enough, Norah, I thank you.”
Lady Norah, distracted for a moment by the waiter who wished to know their order for ice, returned her gaze to Beatrice just as quickly. “You are sure?”
Realizing that she had been gripping her hands far too tightly, given how much they now pained her, Beatrice released her fingers slowly and blew out a breath as she did so.
“It is what I needed to see, mayhap.” When Lady Norah said nothing more, Beatrice did her best to explain, seeing the curious glint in her eyes.
“I have been thinking about Lord Surrey ever since that moment. I have been confused and upset, and yet, at the same time, my heart has still held an affection for him that I wished desperately it did not! When I saw him again, I had so many emotions within my heart, it was difficult to sort one from the other. Indeed, when we spoke and when I saw that he would not tell me the truth, my heart and mind clung to him all the more!”
“And now?”
With another sigh, Beatrice spread out her hands as far as she could. “Now, I have seen him courting another young lady. Is that not clear enough?”
Lady Norah’s lips pursed. “But if he – ”
“If his affection for me still lingered, then there would be nothing to keep us apart,” Beatrice interrupted, aware of just how her heart trembled, how close her resolve was to being completely and utterly shattered again.
“I must take what I have seen and set myself away from him. My duty is to find a suitable match, and it is clear now that Lord Surrey cannot be that to me. I must set my mind on someone else.”
Her friend said nothing for a few moments, only to shake her head and look away. “I do wish it could be different for you, my dear Beatrice. After all you have endured, is it not all the more painful for you now?”
“Yes, it is,” Beatrice admitted, as their ices were set down.
“But what is there to be done?” Hearing the shake in her voice, she closed her eyes, took in another breath, and then looked again at Norah.
“I must marry. But I know now that I shall never be tied to Lord Surrey, as I had once hoped, and I must be contented with that.”
Lady Norah’s smile was sympathetic, full of compassion, and Beatrice’s wounded heart clung to that kindness. “Mayhap it will be that you will find another gentleman, another who will declare himself in love with you, another to whom you can give your heart.”
Beatrice shook her head. “I doubt it,” she answered, picking up her spoon and digging it into the ice. “A match of practicality, of suitability – that is what I think I shall find. I would be very surprised indeed if my heart could give up Lord Surrey so very easily.”
“Even with all that has happened between you?”
“I do not understand it myself,” Beatrice admitted, with a wry smile. “Despite everything, my heart still holds to him, and I fear, despite my best intentions, it always shall.”