38. Kourtney
Kourtney
“Everything okay over there?”
My head jerks up. “Did you say something?”
Erika gestures to the planner on the table. “You’re staring at that calendar like it holds the secret to life.”
I chuckle as I rub my forehead. “I’m sorry. Just trying to get organized with the upcoming weeks.”
Lie. I was staring at the date Celeste’s apartment is supposed to be ready and wondering what’s going to happen when she moves out. We just finished week one of our contract, and it went by entirely too fast.
Erika nods. “We’re pretty busy this month.”
“Busy is good.” I force a smile and flip the calendar closed. “When’s your pre-op appointment?”
“Next Monday.”
“Are you nervous?”
She nods. “Excited, but nervous. This is a major surgery. What if something goes wrong?”
“Try not to think like that.” I reach out and squeeze her forearm. “I can go with you if you want.”
Her eyes light up. “Really? You’d do that?”
“Of course. And I’ll come with you when you go in for your surgery. I want to be the first person to celebrate your new vagina.”
Erika laughs. “Deal.”
“I’m really proud of you, Er. You know who you are, and you’re not afraid to be her.”
“I wasn’t always this way. I think I got to a point in my life where I looked at myself in the mirror and you couldn’t recognize the person staring back at me.
I had to choose: Either make everyone else happy and die a little more inside each day, until there was nothing left of me, or start living my life for myself and hope that people love me enough to stick around. ”
My lips pull downward. “Do you miss your parents?”
“I miss who I wanted them to be.” She picks at her thumb nail. “I miss the love they showed me when I was a kid. The kind of love that feels unconditional, like no matter what bad thing you did, you knew they’d always love you.”
I nod. “Things were a lot easier back then.”
“I remember when I accidentally put a hole in my bedroom wall.” Erika smiles as she recalls the memory.
“I was rocking too hard on my rocking chair, and the edge of the wood went right through the drywall. I thought my dad was going to whoop me. I tried to hide it. I piled a bunch of stuffed animals in front of the hole, thinking no one would ever find it. But my mom found it the next day when she was vacuuming. And they weren’t mad.
They said they were more upset about the fact that I tried to hide it instead of coming to tell them right away.
” She hikes a shoulder. “So, when I started having feelings that I wanted to transition, I was honest with them. But they just couldn’t understand.
I wasn’t a hole in the wall they could patch up. ”
“I can’t imagine turning away my own child like that.”
“Neither can I. All I can do is hope that one day they have a change of heart.”
My chin jerks back. “You’d be willing to forgive them?”
“I’ve already forgiven them.” She tilts her head.
“Our parents are only capable of so much based on the way they were raised. It’s up to them to do the work and expand their minds in their adult lives.
And most of them can’t do it. That shit is hard, undoing decades and generations of close-minded discrimination and judgment.
They have to truly want to grow and learn. ”
I think about my own parents and what they’d say if I told them the truth about me and Celeste, or what Jason and I are doing with her for the website.
Could they ever truly understand?
Would they love me in spite of our differences?
I can’t say with certainty that they would.
And that saddens me.
Erika and I pack up the catering van and head to our next event.
“I don’t mean to pry, but I have to ask: Is everything okay with you lately? You seem like you’re somewhere else, lost in your head a lot.”
I let my head fall back against the headrest. “I don’t want to lie to you and tell you that everything is fine, but it’s a complicated story.”
Erika flicks on the blinker and rolls to a stop at the red light. “I’m trading in my dick for a vagina. I don’t think anything you say will phase me.”
Laughter bursts from my throat. “I don’t know. This might shock you.”
She arches a brow. “Can I take a guess?”
“Sure.”
“Does it have something to do with that best friend of yours?”
My eyebrows hit my hairline. “Yes, yes it does.”
Erika laughs as the light turns green. “I knew it.”
“You’re good.”
“It’s a gift.” She tosses her braids over her shoulder. “All right, what’s going on?”
I spill my heart to Erika and admit everything that has transpired over the last week between me, Celeste, and Jason, as well as the website. I know she won’t judge me or criticize me, and I know that my secret is safe with her.
I didn’t realize how badly I’ve needed a friend’s thoughts on this. Normally, I’d tell Jason and Celeste everything that’s going on in my head. But when they’re the ones in this situation with me, that leaves me with no one I can talk to when my head and my heart are all mixed up.
Erika heaves a sigh. “What’s going to happen when Celeste moves back to her apartment and your agreement is over? Have you thought about what things will be like after this?”
“That’s all I seem to be thinking about.
But if I’m being honest with you, I don’t want it to be over.
” Emotion lodges in my throat, and my voice shakes.
“I don’t want Celeste to go back to her apartment.
I like having her there with us. I don’t want to stop having sex together.
And I don’t want to only have sex for the website.
I want…I don’t know. I guess I want things to stay like this. ”
Erika glances at me before returning her gaze to the road. “So, what’s wrong with that?”
I hike a shoulder. “I don’t know. For one, I don’t think Celeste would go for that. She was on the fence about doing this temporarily, let alone permanently. Plus, Jason and I are married. How do I tell my parents, or our friends, that we’re now dating Celeste?”
“I think you just tell them. There’s no easy way to do it. You say the words, and then the secret’s out. You just have to be prepared for the fallout if your parents don’t approve of your throuple.”
My stomach churns. “I don’t think they’d approve.”
“So, what’s more important to you: having your parents’ approval, or being together with Jason and Celeste?”
My mind races for an answer, but I don’t have one. “I don’t know.”
Erika nods like she knew that’d be my answer.
It’s dark when I get home.
Jason is at another away game in Boston, but Celeste didn’t say she was going out anywhere.
I kick off my shoes and drop my purse on the entryway table before heading to Celeste’s bedroom.
I stick my head through the open doorway and spot the light shining from under the bathroom door.
I tap my knuckles against the door. “Hey, I’m home. Whatcha doing?”
“I’m in the bath. This tub is glorious.”
“That tub is the best.” I hesitate before asking, “Mind if I join you?”
“Sure. There’s room for, like, four people in here.”
I crack open the door and gasp at the mound of bubbles sitting on the surface of the water. “Damn.”
“I dropped the bottle of bath bubbles by accident.” Celeste scoops a pile of bubbles into her hand and blows them at me. “But I think it’s more fun this way.”
“I agree.” I peel off my uniform and dip my toes into the water before submerging my entire body. “God, my feet are killing me.”
“How many events did you work today?”
“Four.” I stretch out my legs and wiggle my toes in the warm water. “We’re super busy this month.”
Celeste pulls my legs onto her lap and digs her thumbs into the heel of one of my feet. “I spoke with Tim again today. He was asking a bunch of questions about the look of the website, so I wrote everything down and told him you’d call him back tomorrow with the details.”
I let my head fall back against the edge of the tub, relishing in the foot massage. “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re doing this with me, Celeste. Seriously.”
“Me too.”
“I just want to check in with you…about our agreement.” I lift my head and look into her eyes. “How are you feeling with everything so far?”
Her shoulders rise and fall with her breath. “It’s fun, I’ll be honest. And it’s hot as hell.”
I smile. “It is.”
She holds my gaze, and I wait for her to divulge more about how she’s feeling emotionally. But she volleys the question back to me. “And you? How are you feeling about this?”
“I love it.”
“Good.”
“Jason’s enjoying himself too,” I add.
She smirks. “I think we knocked his socks off with that double blowjob we gave him the other day.”
I laugh. “Yeah, he’ll never want to go back to one mouth on him ever again.”
The smile fades from Celeste’s face, and she clears her throat. “So, I was thinking we should throw a party for Erika after she has her surgery.”
I sit up straight, and my eyes widen. “Oh my god, yes. I love that idea.”
“I’m also kind of worried about her living alone after the surgery. I’ve been doing a lot of research about it, and it sounds like she’s going to need some help the first few days.”
I nod. “I’ve been researching it too. What are you thinking?”
Celeste pushes the bubbles around herself. “I think we should have her stay here for the first week. She can have my room.”
“And where will you go?”
“I’ll room with you and Jason.” She swallows. “If that’s okay with the both of you.”
I fight the smile that’s trying to stretch across my face. “Of course that’s okay.”
“We’d have to put our sexcapades on hold while she’s here.” She hikes a shoulder. “I figured we could push back our contract date another week.”
“Sure.” I reach under the water and squeeze her hand. “I think this is a great idea. Erika will be so happy when we tell her.”
Celeste nods. “I know she really doesn’t have anyone else, and I couldn’t imagine going through something like that alone.”
“You’ll never have to be alone a day in your life.”
“You promise?”
I pause at the genuine look of worry on Celeste’s face. “Of course, I promise. Why would you even question that?”
Her eyes bounce between mine. “I’ve loved you my whole life, and this thing we’re doing?
It’s fun and it’s thrilling, but we’re risking our friendship.
If things get fucked up when this is all over, I won’t be able to withstand the fallout.
You and Jason will have each other, but I’ll always be the outsider. ”
“Hey, stop.” I move across the tub until I’m sitting right beside her.
“Look at me, Celeste. You’ll always have me, no matter what.
Even when you moved across the country to Seattle, you still had me.
If you needed me for anything, all you had to do was call, and I would’ve jumped and ran to help you.
And you have Jason too. We’ve all been friends since we were kids, and he has your back.
Whether you want to believe it or not, he cares about you. We’re not going anywhere.”
Celeste has deep-rooted trust issues from her parents, and I know she needs to hear this despite how tough she acts. I just don’t know how else to reassure her, other than proving it to her in time.
“I think we should check in like this more often.” I lace our fingers together. “It’s important to communicate and make sure we’re on the same page.”
Her stomach growls like a sea creature under the water, and my eyebrows shoot up. “Someone’s hungry.”
“Too bad Jason isn’t here to cook us one of his delicious cuisines.”
I grin. “I guess you haven’t looked in the refrigerator.”
She arches a brow. “No, why?”
“He made us a pot roast with mashed potatoes and peas before he left.”
Celeste huffs out a laugh. “You found the perfect man, Kourt.”
Pride swells in my chest. “I really fucking did.”