23. Forever
FOREVER
All things medical-related gave me the worst kind of migraine, the kind that left a person agitated with everything and everyone.
Being with Demetrius made me forget, but the pain had never gone away. Except for the night of the ritual, whatever they’d given us opened me up completely.
“It’ll take a couple of days for me to get the results from your blood work and CT,” Alyssa said, entering the room where they’d stuck me after ten minutes in the scanner. “Have there been any more fainting spells?”
I shook my head and flinched.
She stepped toward me immediately, brows pulled together in concern.
“On a scale from one to ten, ten being the worst, how bad does it hurt?”
For the briefest moment, I thought about lying and protecting myself from scrutiny. No one cared to help before or even ask how bad the pain was.
Instead, they shoved a fabricated diagnosis my way, completely disregarding the oath they’d taken, for one that came with much better benefits.
How many other doctors under society orders had lied to a patient and kept them in the dark about their own health?
All to protect what was supposed to be considered the greater good .
“Forever…”
My eyes snapped in her direction, and she took a step back, both hands up.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Right now it’s about a nine, but mostly because I’m here. My trust in doctors is nonexistent at the moment. Demetrius trusts you so…” I shrugged.
She moved to sit on the stool across from me, keeping her distance but close enough to speak softly.
“I understand your hesitation,” she said.
“What was done to you was unethical, and I’m sorry you had to experience that.
But I need you to know that everything I do here is independent of any outside influence.
That includes your husband, which is why I suggested he stayed in the waiting area until we were done. ”
It hadn’t really been a suggestion, but I was picking up what she was putting down and respected it.
“With that, I have to be honest…” Her eyes met mine dead on.
“A lot of time has passed. There’s no guarantee I’ll have any answers for you once we’ve exhausted all our options.
But, I do believe the chronic migraine diagnosis wasn’t something they pulled out of their ass.
You said they’re constant and there’s rarely a break in between.
It would make sense for you to experience them and not unlikely for them to become more frequent. ”
I hummed, appreciative of her candor.
“And the memory loss?” I asked, and that had Alyssa dropping her shoulders, which seemed out of frustration more than anything.
“That’s where things get tricky,” she admitted, fingers drumming against the tray she pulled in front of her.
“Memory loss after head trauma can be complex. Sometimes it’s physical damage, or psychological protection, but it can also be both.
The fact that you’re having flashes of recognition with Demetrius suggests your brain is healing itself.
I’ll be able to gain more clarity with your test results.
For now, let me prescribe something for your migraines.
Do you remember what you were taking before? ”
“Naratriptan for the migraines,” I said, biting my lip to stop myself from leaving the rest out. “Benzos for anxiety, too. I feel like maybe that’s something you should know.”
She nodded slowly, but I could tell she didn’t like my response.
“Together?” Alyssa queried.
I nodded.
“Please don’t take what I’m about to ask the wrong way…” She paused, and I knew what would come next. “Have you been down lately? Any suicidal thoughts?”
My body burned to put an end to this line of questioning. Speaking openly about wanting to die in a blasé manner was one thing, but admitting to having them to a professional was another.
“Sometimes, I wish I could die. But the urge to go through with it isn’t there. Recently, I stopped taking both.”
Her expression softened, not with pity but empathy.
“Thank you for being honest with me,” she said, making a note on her tablet.
“Let’s try something different then. I’m writing you a referral for a cognitive behavioral therapist and a prescription for eight hundred milligrams of ibuprofen.
After I get your test results, we can discuss options for stronger oral medications, but I believe CBT, if taken seriously, can be a game changer. ”
She handed me a pamphlet, the referral, and stood. But as our fingers brushed, I felt this spark of recognition.
“Alyssa…” I got off the examination table and regarded her closely. “Were we familiar with one another before?”
The way her gaze shifted gave me pause.
“We were acquainted, yes.”
I tipped my head and stepped closer.
“Is there something I should know?”
There was a clear battle happening in her mind, right before my eyes.
“Actually…” I shook my head, not liking the sense of dread filling my chest. “Don’t answer that. It’s probably best—”
She stepped in my path when I went to leave, then took a deep breath and said, “You were pregnant, Forever.”
Everything stopped.
Pregnant?
“Tell me that’s a fucking joke,” I demanded, shaking my head over and over at the seriousness plastered on her face. “Oh, fuck…” I turned to hide tears that seemed to understand even though I didn’t. “Did he know?”
I couldn’t breathe; the room started to spin.
“You wanted to surprise him.”
He… doesn’t know.
The sob that tore from my chest hurt.
I pressed my hand to my mouth, trying to hold it back, but more came anyway.
“You were eight weeks along. That was two days before you left. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, and after learning you didn’t have your memories, it felt best to keep what I knew to myself. But just now, you remembered something, right?”
A baby?
I moved before my mind could catch up, grabbing the first thing I could get my hands on and hurling it across the room.
The crash was satisfying, but not enough.
Everything in sight became collateral damage until nothing was left but a heavy feeling of despair weighing on my shoulders.
“I don’t even know…”
What if…
I screamed at the same time Vanilla wrapped itself around me.
“Easy, my forever,” Demetrius whispered softly, holding me tightly from behind. “Easy, baby. Breathe for me.”
I tried to pull away from him, but my body wouldn’t cooperate.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
How was I supposed to tell him?
It was all my fault.
And I can’t remember how I felt. Was I happy? Did I want kids?
How was I supposed to tell him?
“I can’t,” I whispered, trembling in arms I didn’t deserve. “Take me home, please.”
He didn’t press me for details as he guided me out. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to see the concern in his eyes when I knew what I’d lost. What we’d lost.
I felt disconnected, like I was floating outside myself.
“My apartment,” I whispered, staring out the window as he drove us in the wrong direction. “I need some time alone.”
He gripped my thigh, but I refused to look at him.
“You can have time alone where I’m able to keep an eye on you, my forever. That’s in our building, not the one your parents own.”
I chose not to argue; there was no part of me that wanted to be at odds with him for wanting to take care of me. Instead, I blocked out what I learned as best I could and powered on my personal phone.
I turned it off after my conversation with Jayden the other morning. Only Carmen knew my whereabouts after we replaced my beacon with our personal trackers.
There were only so many days I could be away before things got a little shaky for her, and the window for that was closing quickly.
“No wonder I’m so broken,” I muttered, scrolling through my father’s threatening text messages. Then Kai’s, who wanted to cash in on his favor. A few from Carmen, reminding me to show my face soon. But nothing from my mom.
Mm.
The truck came to a hard stop, and Demetrius put his arm out to keep me from hitting the dashboard. He parallel parked and turned, but I glanced away before our eyes could meet.
“How long before you confide in me?” he asked. “This morning, you agreed to recommit. But now you want to be away from me, why?”
I started to type a message out to Carmen, but he snatched my phone and tossed it into the back seat.
“Fuck that phone, Forever. Talk to me.”
My eyes started to water, so I closed them.
He wasn’t going to let me wallow or push him away. But it wasn’t like I was strong enough to pull off the latter.
My clear obsession with this man had already locked itself in place inside my head. There was no such thing as giving him up, no matter how bad I wanted to make this about me and my shortcomings.
“Fuck everybody…” I aggressively wiped a tear away and finally looked at him. “They should all be dead, not our baby.”
I watched his face change, watched the confusion shift to disbelief and then understanding, before it settled into something I couldn’t quite place.
“How far along?” he asked, still staring deeply into my soul.
“Eight weeks. I saw her two days before I left on that Job, so…”
I refused to finish my statement, still the truth hung between us.
My recklessness killed our baby.
He could easily put two and two together.
“Fuck,” he cursed, getting out and coming around to my side. “Forever… baby…”
Demetrius spoke softly, coaxing me out of the front seat. And it worked, because I was in his arms in no time.
“I can’t remember,” I whispered, sticking my nose in his neck. “I should’ve told you before leaving. It’s all—”
“Stop that shit right now,” he demanded. “You were set up. It doesn’t matter if you knew about the baby or not. Somebody planned for you not to make it back to me. Focus your anger on that, and when it’s time, we’ll air out our grievances how we see fit.”
My feelings were all over the place, but the urge to air out our growing list of grievances took precedence. Now working with the Fairchilds had become something else entirely.
“Call Lucien and agree,” I said, leaning back to look up into his eyes. “We can let everything else play out accordingly.”
He stared for a long while before obliging.
“What’s it gonna be?” Lucien asked upon answering.
The line had only rang once, which was telling.
“Uniting the city won’t be a problem for us,” Demetrius mused, eyes promising me retribution beyond my imagination. “Under one condition.”
Lucien hummed.
“I have a feeling this one condition will cost me a lot of time. Name it.”
There was a point I thought no man would ever go above and beyond for me. Not the woman raised to kill. The woman a lot of men feared.
I had put stock in being only half of the person living inside of me, never too much but always just enough not to be fucked with. But now, I realized my mistake, and everybody who thought I was an easy target had to see me about it.
I met eyes with the man I was falling head over heels for; he’d walked a distance away from me to make his request. Whatever he was planning left me feeling protected to the fullest extent, because just for fucking with me, they had to see him, too.
And that… that was enough to replace my despair with anticipation.