Chapter 12 #2
If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in Alaina, would I have noticed too? What would I have done about it?
My stomach knotted, knowing exactly what I would have done. The man I’d been before my daughter was not the man I was today.
I would have wooed her into bed. I would have fucked it up at some point, and in the end, I would have broken her heart.
Funny how having a daughter made you think differently about the woman you were dating. About the kind of man I wanted for Alaina someday in the distant, distant future.
None of the women I’d met in the past two years had been good enough to even meet Allie. I hadn’t planned to do anything with that blond at the bar but share a drink and let her flirt with me for a while. I’d always planned on coming home alone.
I’d been coming home alone for two years.
Vera had told that blond last night that I was good at math. Yeah, I was good at math. At the moment, I’d rather be good at understanding women.
Especially Vera Gallagher.
“Go.” Allie pointed to the door. She didn’t give a damn about my internal crisis. She wanted to go.
The bed was a disheveled mess from my tossing and turning, but I ignored it to make later and headed for the kitchen.
“There’s my birthday girl.” Mom held out her arms, reaching for Allie.
Allie only snuggled deeper into my neck, her hand fisting my thermal. “Daddy.”
In the mornings, she was my girl.
“Boo,” Mom pouted, pretending to be hurt. “What if I made pancakes? Would you want me more than Daddy then?”
Allie loved Mom’s pancakes.
“That should do the trick.” I forced a smile and slid onto a stool at the island.
Mom went to work on breakfast, and I strained my ears past the clatter of pans and the sizzle of bacon.
With any luck, Vera would be home soon and we could talk. Not that I had a fucking clue what to say.
Maybe after my fourth or fifth cup of coffee, I’d figure it out.
Dad joined us a few minutes later, patting me on the shoulder on his way to kiss Mom. He filled a coffee mug and refilled mine, then played peek-a-boo with Alaina.
I’d just put her in a high chair when the crunch of gravel sounded outside.
“Be back.” I felt Mom’s gaze on my back as I rushed out.
Lyla’s car was parked beside the barn when I opened the door. She hadn’t said anything to me last night. She’d just sat in the middle row of Memphis’s SUV with a worry line between her eyebrows.
If Lyla had known about Vera’s crush, would she have warned me away?
Mom might not have missed it, but the rest of us . . .
Lyla would have told me, right? Talia or Eloise too. And I had to believe my brothers would have given me a heads-up.
I jogged down the steps, hustling toward the barn as the passenger side door opened and Vera stepped out.
She said something to Lyla, then closed the door.
Lyla reversed away from the barn, pausing when she saw me, but I kept on walking. So she kept on driving.
“Vera.” I jogged a few steps as she walked toward the barn’s side entrance. “Wait up.”
The fresh air always cleared my head. It made me sharper. Maybe if we talked outside, I’d figure out what to say. How to fix this.
At my voice, Vera froze. Her hand hovered in midair above the door’s handle. It took three of my long strides before she finally turned to face me.
She looked like hell. There was no flush to her cheeks. No sparkle in her pretty, brown eyes. She looked as cold as the morning air.
That look was entirely my fault.
I stopped in front of her, chest heaving as she stared past my shoulder. The sound of Lyla’s car faded in the distance.
The breeze caught a tendril of Vera’s red hair, floating it across her face.
The strand skimmed her soft, pink lips. Normally, her cheeks were the same pink shade, but her skin had a white pallor today.
The purple circles beneath her eyes meant we’d probably gotten the same amount of sleep last night.
She was dressed in a pair of black leggings that hugged her toned legs. The Eden Coffee sweatshirt was one she’d likely borrowed from Lyla’s closet. It hung on her slender frame. She looked . . . small. Too small. Like a part of her had faded away.
My arms lifted slightly, the movement unconscious, like my limbs knew she needed a hug before it had even registered in my brain. But I dropped them to my sides, my muscles locking.
She wouldn’t want me touching her, not after last night.
Her eyes flicked to mine for a second before darting away, falling to the dirt. “Can we not do this today?”
Her voice. It was as cold and lifeless as her eyes.
“You’re not broken.” That wasn’t the right place to start. An apology or anything else would be better. “Everything you said last night was right. Except that. It’s the one thing you got wrong.”
Vera wrapped her arms around her waist, her shoulders curling forward.
“You’re the most courageous person I’ve ever met, Vera. You’re not broken. When I think about your strength . . . if Allie gets just a fraction of that when she’s grown, I’ll be grateful.”
She squeezed her eyes shut as her chin quivered. “Please, Mateo.”
Normally, I liked how she said my name. But that empty voice. I’d do just about anything to make it stop.
I opened my mouth to apologize but nothing came out. If I said I’m sorry, it would just sound like a rejection. I wasn’t rejecting Vera.
I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew what I wasn’t.
She stood, eyes closed, as the wind played with that tendril of hair. The morning light brought out the sprinkling of freckles across her nose.
She was beautiful. Vera had a beauty not a soul would miss.
“Will you give Allie a birthday kiss for me?” she asked.
Sad. Tired. Embarrassed. But she’d still remembered Allie’s birthday.
Because Vera loved my daughter. My daughter loved Vera. That meant something. That meant everything.
I’m done waiting for you to see me.
Something shifted beneath my feet like moving sand. Things in my chest, around my brain, rearranged. It was like a deck of cards being shuffled.
There was before. This was after.