CHAPTER TWENTY VERA
CHAPTER TWENTY
VERA
Today had taken a toll.
Numbness had spread throughout my body. Skin, muscle, bone.
It ran surface to core. Not even a hot shower had chased it away.
It had started hours ago, the moment Mateo had left.
It was like he’d collected all the feeling in my nerves and stuffed it in his pocket, stealing it away when he’d walked out of the loft.
With every passing minute, it had crept further. Sunk deeper.
Until finally, nothing.
I’d been sitting on the couch, knees hugged to my chest, for a while now. I didn’t turn to look at a clock. I just sat here wishing that the numbness would disappear.
What a stupid wish.
Without this numbness, I’d only hurt.
I ought to wish for something else, like a magic crystal that would glow red and warn me about days like today.
Days that scarred.
I’d found my father today. Sort of.
And the one person I wanted to tell, the person who might help me make sense of what had happened on my hike, was Mateo. The one person who could never know.
Maybe I’d brought this bad day upon myself for standing him up at the airfield this morning. Karma had given me a swift kick in the ass.
My hike had been a disaster from the start. I’d left the ranch after calling in sick to work—I’d never called in sick before and the lie had festered immediately, coiling my stomach into a knot. But after Mateo’s rejection—or what I’d thought was a rejection—I’d needed air. I’d needed space.
I’d needed my dad.
Or at least, the hope that I might see him again.
So I’d set out into the mountains to continue my search.
I hadn’t expected to find him. Maybe that was why today had been different. I’d gone out thinking I’d leave my name carved into the trunk of a tree with today’s date and that would be the end of it.
I’d hiked until hunger had clawed and I’d stopped for lunch, scarfing two protein bars. Then I’d found the best tree in sight, one with no hanging limbs that might obscure my carving. I’d just taken out my pocket knife and flipped open the blade when I’d accidentally sliced my finger.
I’d yelped and cursed. As I’d popped the cut into my mouth to suck off the blood, I’d caught movement out of the corner of my eye. For a second, I’d thought it was a bear and I was truly fucked.
But the color was wrong. Instead of a grizzly’s cinnamon fur, I’d caught a flicker of orange-red popping out from behind a thick tree trunk. The red hadn’t been on a head, but a face. A beard, thick and scraggly.
Dad would never stay clean shaven again, not without a razor and shaving cream. But he’d never let his beard grow unruly.
Until now.
In my mind, Dad looked the same as the day I’d left him two years ago. Stubbled. Strong. Sad.
The man I’d seen for a split second today looked like he’d been living hard for two years. There’d been dark circles beneath his eyes. A hollowness to his cheeks. And that nasty, frizzled beard.
He must have heard my yelp of pain when I’d sliced my finger. He’d reacted on instinct, a father rushing for his injured child.
Except he hadn’t come for me. He’d darted out of sight. And when I’d sprinted after him, he’d vanished by the time I’d made it to the tree.
He’d been out there, watching me. He’d stayed hidden. He had to have heard me shout his name.
And he’d left me all the same.
He’d left me.
Why?
My chin quivered, but there were no more tears to cry. I’d left them all on the forest floor as I’d hiked back to my car.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was delusional and the only person hiking in the rainy mountains today had been me.
But it was so . . . real.
As real as a kiss from Mateo.
God, I was such a jerk. I’d been in an awful mood when I’d finally made it home. He’d surprised me and thrown me off-balance. And instead of behaving like an adult, I’d thrown a tantrum about him pushing me away.
Not once had it crossed my mind that he might have his own reasons for taking this slow. Not once had I considered his feelings.
Whatever Alaina’s mother had done to him, she’d sliced deep. That wound wasn’t fully healed. And rather than respect his boundaries, I’d let my own bullshit come between us.
Damn it, what was wrong with me? I buried my face in my hands, the numbness giving way to mortification and regret.
He’d left the loft right after our fight—if that even counted as a fight. Anne had returned with Allie and he’d gone to take her home. He’d left and I hadn’t even apologized.
Tomorrow, I’d make this right. Tomorrow, I’d—
No. Not tomorrow.
Tonight.
He didn’t seem mad, but the air between us wasn’t clear.
I needed it clear. I needed to know we were okay.
Springing from the couch, I hurried to my bedroom.
My muscles were stiff and sore, not just from the hike but from sitting in one spot for too long.
I grabbed a dark green hoodie and pulled it over the T-shirt and sweats I’d dressed in after my shower.
Then, not bothering with socks, I slipped into a pair of tennis shoes, swiped my keys from the counter and flew out the door.
It was a black night, the clouds blocking out any moon or starlight. My headlights turned raindrops into specks of white and my windshield wipers worked furiously to keep the glass clear as I bounced along the muddy gravel roads to Mateo’s cabin.
The porch light was on when I arrived. Alaina’s bedroom was dark and only a faint glow came from the main room’s windows.
I threw the hood over my hair before climbing out into the rain and running for the porch.
Like always, I didn’t have to knock. By the time my foot landed on the top stair, the door opened and Mateo stood in its threshold.
“Hi,” I said, breathless.
He shifted sideways, waving me inside.
I pushed away my hood but didn’t bother taking off my shoes. I wasn’t here to stay.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted. “I know it’s late. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I was so caught up in my own head, I didn’t think about what you might be feeling.”
“It’s all right.” He sighed, staring at me for a long moment. Then, faster than I could blink, he caught my elbow and hauled me into his chest.
I sagged against him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m trying, Vera. I’m trying so hard to do us right.”
“Us?”
He buried his nose in my hair. “Us.”
My heart swelled so big it felt like it was going to come out of my throat. The clouds thinned. Gray skies made way for blue.
We stood there for a few long moments, just breathing each other in. Then Mateo’s arms relaxed and I eased away.
“You were crying today.”
I shrugged. “A little.”
“Because of me?”
“No.”
He hummed. “Want to talk about why?”
“No. Do you want to talk about her? Alaina’s mom?”
He shook his head. “Not tonight.”
“Are we okay?” My voice sounded too small. Too vulnerable.
He tucked and untucked a lock of my hair. “Yeah, Peach. We’re okay.”
Relief coursed through my veins. The numbness was gone, and with it, the knot in my gut. Maybe tonight, I’d actually be able to sleep. And tomorrow, I’d think long and hard about what to do about my father.
“Good night.” I rose up on my toes, placing a kiss on his cheek. Then I flipped up my hood and opened the door to the stormy night.
“Wait.” He snagged my hand before I could duck outside.
“Don’t go. I meant what I said earlier. I don’t want to fuck this up.
Part of me knows the responsible thing to do is get an umbrella and walk you to your car.
But the other part wants to say fuck it.
To pick you up and carry you to my bed and pray like hell I don’t ruin us. ”
I didn’t want him to get an umbrella. I didn’t want to go out in that rain. “You won’t ruin us.”
“I might.”
I laid my hand on his heart. His good heart. A heart intent on protecting mine. “I don’t want to go.”
He held perfectly still, waging an internal war. There was a blue umbrella propped up beside the coat hooks. For a moment, I was sure he’d pick it up.
Then he blinked, the war over, and crushed his mouth to mine.
Yes. I threw my arms around his shoulders, holding tight, as he hauled me off my feet. The kiss wasn’t sweet or gentle. The moment my lips parted, Mateo’s tongue swept inside to devour.
He licked and sucked, consuming me whole. The world beyond us disappeared.
I wrapped my legs around his waist, wanting to burrow deeper into his strong body.
He groaned, slanting his mouth the opposite way before pulling my bottom lip between his teeth. Then he flicked the hood off my hair, kicked the door shut and carried me through the house, straight to the open bedroom door.
We were a mess of wet lips and wandering hands.
God, he had big hands. I hadn’t noticed just how large until tonight.
They splayed across my ribs and hips as he laid me on his soft bed.
He dragged a wide palm down my thigh before cupping my ass to pull me closer as his weight settled on mine.
His hard body covered mine, his hardness rubbing against my core.
I gasped, arching into his touch. It wasn’t enough. I wanted more. If I didn’t get out of these clothes soon, I’d combust. “Mateo.”
“Fuck, I want to taste every inch of you.” He dragged his lips down the column of my throat, his tongue across my skin.
I pulled at his T-shirt, fumbling, bunching it up and reaching for the hem. But he was so tight against me, all the cotton did was stretch. “Off. Take it off.”
Mateo reached behind his neck and yanked it off his body.
The heat from his naked chest was like an inferno beneath my hands. It was my turn to roam, to touch every inch. My fingers dipped into the muscled grooves of his back, tracing from his spine to the dimples just above the waistband of his jeans.
I slipped my hands into his pockets, molding my grip to the curve of his behind. His ass was perfect, hard and round and . . . I squeezed. How many years had I wanted to slide my hands into Mateo’s jeans pockets? A giddy smile broke across my face. It was better than the dream.