19
BY THE TIME we run back to the kangaroo enclosure, the animal has given up on Jacinta. It’s casually grazing in the distance while she’s bent over double, gasping for air.
I race towards her and put a hand on her back. ‘What happened? Are you okay?’ I glance at Rach and Dinesh, who are looking freaked out.
Jacinta takes a second to compose herself before straightening up. ‘I just wanted to pat it! I thought it might like a scratch behind the ears.’
‘The big male?’ Ben asks. ‘Oh, yeah, no. He definitely doesn’t.’
Jacinta rolls her eyes. ‘ Clearly ,’ she says, then glances at the roo before turning to me. ‘Can we please get the hell out of here before it comes back?’
Back in the carpark Ben moves an animal carrier and toolbox from the ute seats to the tray, making room for me and Jacinta. He’s giving us a lift home. Jacinta’s still rattled so we felt it was the better option than a walk and the bus.
I say bye to Dinesh and then Rach, who pulls me into a tight hug. I squirm slightly beneath the sudden intimacy, the ‘are you okay?’ I can literally feel through her skin. Even after the platypus encounter she smells like her favourite fruity perfume.
‘Hang out soon?’ she asks in a tone that tells me the forcefield that’s keeping us apart is still there. I swear she’s almost crying.
‘Yeah,’ I say, but I’m not sure if I mean it.
While Jacinta and Dinesh exchange details in a very cute moment, Dinesh continuously straightening his cap in a nervous way, I give Lockie an awkward little wave. ‘See ya soon,’ I say, not knowing if that’s true either.
His eyes seem to be trying to say a million words, but his mouth only manages three: ‘See ya, Evans.’ He flashes me a wave, and my name in his mouth still makes my breath catch. Ugh, why ?
‘All right,’ Ben says. ‘Good to go?’
Jacinta and I climb into the ute, me into the passenger seat and her into the back. Unsurprisingly, it smells like Ben—sweet straw and fresh deodorant. As we take off towards the freeway he puts on some music by the band Dinesh is in and I search the footwell for more of Ben. There’s a loved-looking stuffed koala. A compass. A KeepCup. Some zoology text books with folded corners. The edge of something I think for a second is a condom wrapper but then realise is a shiny packet of electrolytes.
‘Hey, Dinesh’s band is actually good,’ Jacinta says.
‘You sound surprised,’ Ben replies, right arm leaning against his open window.
‘I’m more of an audiobook girl.’
‘Okay, give me a rec. The last book I read was for year ten English and I’m genuinely scared for my attention span.’
I sit there in silence, the hum of the ute vibrating through my body, half listening to Jacinta reel off every book in existence and half-wondering if Ben will drop her off first, even though Jacinta’s place is further away. Wondering if that would mean something, and what that something might be. I don’t have to wonder for long though, because Ben asks Jacinta for directions and ten minutes later we pull up at her house.
She squeezes my shoulders from behind before she gets out, calling ‘night Zoo Boy’ as she walks up her driveway.
‘It’s not a zoo. It’s a sanctuary,’ I call back.
Ben snorts and we pull away. Immediately the ute is tingling, like anticipation has become airborne.
‘So,’ he says, flicking his gaze my way as he casually holds the steering wheel with one hand. ‘I hope that semi made up for the whole banned-for-life thing.’
I nod. ‘Definitely. The quolls alone were enough. But then the platypus .’ I give a chef’s kiss. ‘Five stars. Would recommend.’
‘Ha! Good. That’ll make up for Jacinta’s bad review.’
‘Zero animal sex. Zero stars.’
We both laugh then fall silent, not in an awkward way but more like there’s too much to say/ask/think and it’s impossible to settle on one thing.
Dinesh’s band has moved on to a heavier song. I fold a piece of passionfruit gum into my mouth and offer one to Ben, which he takes.
He chews, eyes wide. ‘Yum! You know, I’ve never actually eaten passionfruit.’
I have to stop myself from flinging a hand out and whacking his chest. ‘ What ? How is that possible? It’s only the greatest fruit on earth!’
He shrugs. ‘My dad’s more of a banana and apple guy and he’s always done the food shopping. Even before Mum died.’ There it is again, casual talk about death like it’s possible to live with it.
‘Well, while I appreciate the gender role reversal,’ I say, ‘I think you need a fruit education.’
We’re almost at my house. For the first time, I wish Jacinta and I lived further away from each other. We pull up at the kerb, under a street light.
Ben slides his hands once up and down the steering wheel. ‘Do you, ah…do you mind if we sit here for a sec?’ he asks.
My pulse quickens beneath my wrists, my neck. ‘No.’
He switches off the engine and undoes his seatbelt. He turns his body towards me, seat creaking slightly, and right then I know two things: I really like this guy, and we’re going to kiss. The sound of cicadas presses in on us, like white noise in my ears, and I’m suddenly super aware of every inch of my body.
‘So,’ I say, trying to keep my cheeks an even colour. ‘Besides the fact you had to basically crash-tackle me, that was…a really fun night.’
‘Yeah.’ Ben’s gaze flicks towards my lips, his long lashes casting a barely-there shadow beneath his eyes. ‘I kind of…want it not to be over yet.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Me neither.’
Ben gives a tiny, quiet laugh, as if he’s already embarrassed about what he’s going to say. ‘I really like talking to you.’
It takes me a second to speak. ‘Me too.’
The space between us is impossibly large, but before I can begin to figure out how to navigate it Ben’s leaning in. He reaches a hand up to my jaw, fingers feather-light on my skin, and our lips are close to touching when the light at the front of my house flicks on. We pull apart. I spin around to see Mum standing there, arms crossed, staring at the ute.
‘Shit!’ I say, skin still on fire. ‘Sorry. Shit. It’s my mum.’
‘It’s cool,’ Ben says. He’s already retreated to the driver’s seat. He looks like he’d psyched himself up to jump out of a plane before being pulled back.
I take in Mum’s expression. Jaw tight. She’s angry. I pull my phone out of my pocket and tap the screen. Six missed calls from her mobile. I totally forgot I was meant to let her know if I needed a lift home. ‘Um, I better go,’ I say. ‘Sorry.’
‘All good,’ Ben says. Then he notices my Ninja phone screensaver and he smiles. ‘See you soon?’
I smile back. ‘Yeah.’
I slide out of the ute and walk towards the front door.
‘What’s this?’ Mum asks, holding her phone up in front of my face as soon as the door has closed behind me. I haven’t seen her up this late in a while. She’s been out to dinner and she’s still in a midnight-blue dress and dangly silver earrings, and I can smell wine on her breath. Hopefully it’s enough to cover up any smell of Baileys on mine.
‘What’s what?’ I ask, blinking at the screen. I think it’s some kind of banking app.
‘ This ,’ Mum says, turning her phone back towards her. ‘Ink and Dreams. You spent $85 there at…at 11.46 pm on New Year’s Eve.’
My tongue is heavy and dry in my mouth, making it hard to speak. I didn’t know she checked my account. I didn’t even know business names showed up like that. ‘Why are you looking at my transactions?’ I blurt out, hoping attack might save me. ‘How about some privacy ?’
‘This is not something you get privacy with at sixteen, Lucy.’ Mum’s lips purse before she speaks again. ‘Did you get a tattoo? And don’t even think about lying to me.’
‘No!’ I say. I hesitate, then sweep my hair aside to show her my feather. ‘Jacinta and I got our ears pierced. That’s all, okay?’
I expect Mum to look relieved, but she shakes her head. In the mirror behind her I see my pale face.
‘It’s not a big deal,’ I say. ‘It’s just an earring.’
Mum’s jaw stiffens. ‘You lied , Lucy. That is a big deal.’
My mouth flies open. ‘I didn’t lie ! I just—’
She cuts me off. ‘You got a piercing without asking and then you didn’t tell us about it. That’s lying.’
‘Okay,’ I say, glancing down at the tiled floor. ‘Okay. Sorry .’
But Mum doesn’t soften. She’s not done. I feel like she’s way more upset than she should be. Mum’s rarely mad at me. I rarely do things to make her mad. I don’t like it. I want to undo this moment like a too-tight zipper.
‘Who was that boy?’ Mum asks, gesturing towards the street.
Heat glows beneath my skin. I pull at a loose bit of thread on my pants. ‘A friend. Ben. He’s a keeper at the sanctuary.’
‘Right,’ she says. ‘And where were you tonight?’
Damn. I try to look innocent. ‘What…what do you mean?’
Mum rolls her eyes as if that’s the dumbest question in the world, which it probably is. ‘Dea from the office was at dinner tonight. Her daughter is a keeper at the sanctuary too, and she didn’t know anything about a new night tour.’
I mentally kick myself. What a stupid lie. But before I can come up with something, an excuse, Mum’s speaking again.
‘I was so bloody worried ,’ she says, shoulder slumping. ‘You weren’t picking up your phone and I didn’t know…I didn’t know…’ she trails off and I can see she’s not angry. Well, not just angry. She’s upset. Then something in her breaks. Her face morphs into an expression I’ve never seen before. ‘You have NO idea what it’s like to—do you?—after what we’ve been through.’ Her words come out in a high-pitched keen, like a wounded animal. ‘Just the thought of something happening—you’re lucky I even let you out of my sight anymo—’
‘I’m sorry ,’ I say, cutting her off before she makes me feel any worse. ‘I’m sorry , okay?’ And I mean it. I feel sick. ‘We weren’t at the sanctuary. We were at Franklin Macca’s. That’s all.’
Mum sucks in a deep breath, calming herself slightly. ‘Right. And were you even with Jacinta? Or was that a lie too?’
‘I was with Jacinta. We were just hanging out.’ I make a mental note to message Jacinta about our alibi as soon as this conversation is over in case my mum calls hers.
Finally Mum softens a little, and her arms drop loose by her sides. ‘Why did you lie to me?’ she asks.
I shrug. ‘I don’t know.’ And it’s the truth. I guess a part of me thought sneaking into the sanctuary after hours wouldn’t be as bad if my parents at least knew where I was. Maybe I also wanted them to be a little bit proud of me for being invited on a night tour. I still don’t have a job and I haven’t heard back from any of the animal shelters or wildlife carers. I feel like a failure. But I don’t say any of this. I let Mum think I probably just wanted to hide the fact I was hanging out with a guy, which is part of it as well. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say again, hoping that will be enough.
After a painfully long silence, Mum takes another big breath. She looks too tired to keep pushing it. ‘Okay. Just—no more lies, Lucy. Please. I can’t do this.’
I nod, catching my reflection in the mirror again. I’m such a crap only child. ‘Okay,’ I say.
Then Mum pulls me into a tight, warm hug that smells like chardonnay. ‘Are you all right, Luce Cat?’ she asks softly. ‘Are you doing okay? You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?’
I only pause for a second before I nod into her shoulder. ‘Yeah,’ I say. Because now she’s a little less upset, I can’t stomach dragging her back down.
‘Okay,’ she says. ‘Okay. That’s good.’ When we part she glances at my earring. ‘Well don’t let that get infected, all right? And next time, Ben comes inside to say hello.’
An hour later I’m in bed, messaging with Jacinta, trying to forget the whole thing with Mum and reliving the almost-kiss with Ben in my mind like a song I’m obsessed with, when I hear muffled conversation coming from Dad’s office. It’s definitely too late for Mum to still be up. Maybe Dad’s watching a video of them. But it sounds less bubbly than that. Sharper. Harsher. I creep into the hallway and, despite every bone in my body screaming at me to back away, I press my ear against the door.
‘I just can’t force things to feel normal, okay? Not when all my energy goes into getting through the day for Lucy.’ It’s Dad, his voice jagged. ‘I’m living in a bloody nightmare !’
‘What about me? You think I’m even remotely okay? You think I’m coping one bit ?’ It’s Mum. Her words sound like something fragile being torn.
‘Course not. I’m not saying that.’
‘Then why won’t you try ? Why are you avoiding me?’
‘I am trying! You’re avoiding me .’
‘Oh come on , Paul. You’re shutting me out. You’ll talk to your God ’—she says the word in a way I know will hurt Dad — ‘but not your own wife.’
Dad starts replying but I can’t listen to anymore. I race back to my room, heart thrashing in my chest. I press my back against the wall and slide down to the carpet, trying to lengthen my breaths.
A few minutes later, I hear the office door open and I see Mum walking back to their bedroom. Her shoulders are heaving. She’s sobbing so hard. The edges of her blur in my mind—the Mum container I desperately want to keep her in is dissolving and letting a whole other complicated, messy human being seep in.
I crawl back into bed and lie there, shaking, staring at the crack and listening to things shifting outside in the dark. I DM Bella, soaking up her comforting auto reply, and try not to think about all the things I’m scared of and all the things I want. A thousand thoughts and feelings swirl inside me like a galaxy, and the universe is terrifyingly indifferent to them all.