Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Ben
Iend the call with Ash and head back inside, battling the overwhelming urge to turn around, cross the street, and go to her.
I saw her black Audi the moment I stepped outside, and every part of me wanted to run to her.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I know I’m hurting her.
I swore I never would, but everything I told her was true.
The guilt over Molly’s death is consuming me, and I don’t know how to fight it.
“Where did you disappear to?” Milo asks as I head into the kitchen and straight to the fridge, grabbing a beer.
He’s sitting at the breakfast bar with his laptop, catching up on some work.
“I had to take a phone call,” I tell him, bringing the bottle to my mouth and taking a pull.
“Ashlyn, right?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
Surprise flickers through me. “How do you know about Ash?”
He shrugs. “Laney mentioned that you’d met someone. Mom brought her up too.”
“Laney told you?” I ask, caught off guard. “What did she say?”
“Just that she was nice and that she makes you happy. Happier than she’s seen you in a long time.”
Milo arrived late yesterday, which means Laney must have mentioned Ash to him today. If she’s saying that to Milo, maybe she doesn’t blame our relationship for Molly’s death. That should bring me some relief, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still blame myself.
“Why isn’t she here?” he asks pointedly. “I figured she’d want to be with you while you’re going through all this.”
I sigh, taking another sip of my drink. “She does. She was actually outside just now. I’m the one who didn’t want her to come in.”
Milo frowns. “What’s going on, Ben? Mom said you really like this woman.”
I sink onto the stool across from him, exhaling heavily.
Milo and I have never been particularly close.
He went to college in California and stayed there for work, only coming home for family gatherings.
But right now, I need to talk to someone, and maybe having someone a little removed from the situation is exactly what I need.
“I saw Molly on Thursday,” I say quietly. “I told her about me and Ash and that I’d fallen in love.”
Milo nods slowly. “Okay…”
I shake my head, frustration tightening my chest. “Don’t you get it?” I lean across the breakfast bar, my voice edged with desperation.
“Get what?” he asks, clearly confused.
Pushing up from the stool, I pace the kitchen, running a hand through my hair.
“Ben,” he presses when I don’t respond.
“It’s my fault she died,” I finally burst out.
Milo’s eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
I drop my head, swallowing hard. “She stopped fighting when she found out about Ash and me.”
He steps toward me, gripping my shoulder firmly. “It wasn’t your fault, Ben. She caught an infection, one she probably already had when you saw her on Thursday.”
I shake my head. “She had nothing left to fight for,” I say sadly.
“She had Laney,” he says gently.
I sigh heavily. “Laney barely saw her after we moved to River Falls. She kept asking to visit, but I was too caught up with Ash to take her.”
“Ben…” he starts but hesitates.
“She thought we’d given up on her. You have to see that,” I murmur.
Milo shakes his head firmly. “Given up on her? Ben, you spent the last six years raising Laney on your own while holding down a full-time job. That’s not giving up.”
I swallow hard. “It still feels like I let her down right when she needed me the most,” I whisper.
He exhales slowly. “You and Molly were separated. You had every right to move on and find love again.” He pauses, watching me closely. “This guilt you're feeling… it's because you got the chance to move forward and she didn’t.”
My head tells me he’s right, but my heart doesn’t seem to have caught up.
“Don’t let this consume you. Molly would want you to move on.”
I nod, but I only wish I could believe him. I guess it’s going to take some time for me to sort my head out. I just hope Ash thinks I’m worth sticking around for. Right now, I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. I’m breaking every promise I made to her, and I don’t know if we can come back from that.
It’s been three days since Molly’s funeral, and tomorrow, Milo and Kirsten are heading home.
Bennett flew in just for the service and left the same day, just staying long enough to say his goodbyes, but not much more.
He’d wanted the funeral to be in Phoenix, but I stood firm on having her buried here.
Laney needs a place close by where she can visit her mom.
It took some convincing, but in the end, he reluctantly agreed.
The service was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face.
Laney was devastated, and I was thankful to have family around us for support.
The only person missing was Ash, and I wished more than anything that she had been there.
I miss her so much it physically hurts, but every time I reach for my phone to call her, the guilt takes over, and I just can’t go through with it.
Understandably, Laney has been quiet all week, barely leaving her room. I’m worried about her, but Kirsten assures me she’s just processing everything in her own way. I hope she’s right.
With Kirsten and Milo leaving in the morning, I made a reservation at Franco’s in Hope Creek for dinner. Other than the funeral, we’ve all been cooped up in the house for days, and I figure we need to get out for a bit.
I’m in the kitchen, waiting for everyone, when Laney walks in wearing a short black dress.
“You look nice,” I tell her, stepping closer to press a kiss on her head. “It’s good to finally see her out of her room.
“Thanks. It’s Ash’s dress. She let me borrow it. Is she coming tonight?”
My chest tightens at the mention of Ash, and I shake my head. “No, she’s not.”
She frowns. “What’s going on with you two? You haven’t seen her since Mom died. Did you guys break up?”
I sigh. “No… but I asked her for some space.”
Her eyes widen. “What? Why?”
“I just need time to process everything.”
She gives me a sad smile and steps forward, wrapping her arms around my neck. I slip my arms around her waist and hold her close.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn’t even realize how much you were struggling. Why didn’t you say anything?”
I pull back, searching her face. “You don’t have to apologize. You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”
She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Of course I worry about you. I love you.”
I smile. “I love you too, sweetheart.”
She squeezes my hand. “Please talk to Ash. She loves you, Dad. And I know you love her too. I’ve never seen you as happy as you are when you’re with her.”
Her words take me by surprise. I know she and Ash spent some time together before Molly died, but after what she said at the hospital, I assumed she wouldn’t want us to be together.
“You think Ash and I should be together?” I ask, my voice laced with disbelief.
Her brow furrows. “Yes. Don’t you?”
I sigh, dragging a hand down my face. “I don’t know anymore. I told your mom about Ash, and then… she died.”
My voice breaks, and Laney reaches for my hand.
“Wait,” she says, realization dawning in her eyes. “You think Mom died because you told her about you and Ash? You think this is your fault?”
“She gave up, Laney. She stopped fighting. You said it yourself at the hospital.”
Her eyes widen. “I did?”
I nod.
She shakes her head. “I don’t remember saying that. Everything from that night is a blur. If I said it, I didn’t mean it. Dad, this didn’t happen because of you.”
I smile sadly. “When did you get so wise?”
She studies me for a moment. “Is that why you’re pushing Ash away? Because of what I said at the hospital?”
I hesitate before shaking my head. “No, sweetheart. That’s not the only reason.”
“Then why?”
I don’t know how to answer her without lying. What she said that night planted the doubt in my mind, but now it’s grown into something bigger, something I can’t just push aside no matter how much I want to.
“I don’t know, Laney. I just feel guilty that I get to move on when she never could.”
“She would want you to be happy, Dad.”
I exhale heavily. “That’s what Milo said.”
“He’s right. Please don’t push Ash away.”
She pulls me into a hug, and I hold on tightly, grounding myself in her embrace. Could she and Milo be right?
I want so badly for that to be true.
I’ve wanted to reach out to Ash so many times. It’s been torture not being able to see her, to hold her, or even hear her voice.
I miss her. So damn much.