Chapter 17
MORRIGAN
The lotus tea helped as much as Tristan promised that it would.
Though, the sleep came with some wildly vivid dreams. They felt so incredibly real. Sometimes, I would be back at the masquerade with Dez and Lyra. Others, I would be in bed with Kaiden, I hadn’t felt this rested in far too long.
Tristan, on the other hand, looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
I tried not to bring up the episode of his I experienced, hoping he’d come to me to explain soon.
When I tried asking if he was alright one morning, he barely gave me a response.
A disgruntled “I’m fine” is all he graced me with before exiting the dining hall and returning to his solitude.
I hadn’t really seen him for a solid three or four days until one morning, he all but shot up from his seat after breakfast and gestured for me to follow him. “Training starts today,” he said in a clipped tone that didn’t seem to suit him very well.
It was hard to hide my excitement, though, as I followed him out into the garden.
I couldn’t help it. The thought of being able to control the fire in me and bend it to my will?
It was like something out of a fairytale.
I’d be able to impress Lyra once I returned.
Maybe, one day, I could even be half as good as she is.
“Before we get into your fire, I’m teaching you to occlude.” He stood stiffly amongst the daisies, gently tilting his head until his neck let out a small crack. “We’re going to practice having you block me from your mind.”
My hands jittered at my sides. “Okay,” I said excitedly. “What do I do first?”
“Sit.”
We both lowered to the ground, and Tristan moved into a more comfortable position.
Naturally, I followed his lead, crossing my legs and feeling thankful that I had rid myself of that gown.
The shirt and pants Tristan provided me were far more comfortable than those damned dresses. Though, they were really pretty.
"This will likely not work the first time around.” Tristan quickly interrupted my wandering thoughts. “But as you practice, it will get easier.” Then, he muttered under his breath, “Please, let it get fucking easier.”
I had almost asked him what he meant by that, but I felt a sudden rush in my head that almost knocked me onto my back. Sucking in a sharp breath, I felt the sensation of something invading my head. “What…” I groaned, pinching my face. “What are you…”
“This is a gift that only my father had the ability to do. He could invade a person’s mind… See their secrets.”
It was as if someone had begun poking and prodding against my skull. My fingers shot to my temples like I could drag him out with my bare hands. “I’ve… never heard of… Ryuk having this… ability.”
“Everyone has their secrets, Morrigan. The priests. The gods. The lords. It’s in our nature. If we shared every part of ourselves, there’d be nothing left to leverage.”
He pushed further until an image flashed before my eyes against my will. It was me as a child, sneaking into my study room to steal a book while Maeryn slept. I saw it so vividly, like it was happening right in front of me.
“What are your secrets, Morrigan?” he asked, but his voice lowered to a haunting whisper.
Another image flashed, this time of Guinevere sneaking one of her sweet donuts into the attic after Maeryn had ordered me to go to bed without supper.
All of these tiny memories were played before me until, suddenly, he yanked himself free, and I had to catch myself with my elbows as I fell backward.
Tristan leaned over and helped me sit back up before examining my face for any signs of pain. “Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern in his voice. “I didn’t mean to push you so hard. That was…” He sighed in frustration. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
I brushed away his touch nervously and sat up straight. “That was… crazy,” I panted. I could only imagine how this could be used against people. How scary it could be. “How am I supposed to stop that?”
“By building mental walls. Strong walls. You’ve done it before, though I don’t think you realized that you did it.
That night, when Eris tried to compel you, you were so angry with all of them, and your emotions were so high.
You blocked the coercion.” He sat up straighter, like he was fixing himself to go again.
“I’m, of course, a lot stronger than they are.
So, it will be a little harder to block me out.
But, what better way to strengthen your shield? ”
A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his lips, and I had to stop myself from thinking about how beautiful it looked. Gods, Morrigan. What is wrong with you?
“Shall we go again?” he asked.
I nodded, shimmying my shoulders as I tried to mentally prepare.
“Imagine, as I’m sifting through your memories, that I’m picking apart the books on your shelves. When you feel that prodding, try your best to close the book that I’m trying to open.”
“Have you done this before?” I asked him, closing my eyes. “Teach someone how to block out this kind of thing?”
Tristan laughed. “Oh, no. I actually have no idea what I’m doing.”
I was about to respond in protest, when I felt the sharp rush again and forced myself to concentrate through the odd sensation. Books. Library. Shelves. No matter how hard I tried to envision it, all I felt was the push of his power, like claws scraping against the walls of my mind. Books… Library…
Heels clicked across the floor, and I suddenly saw myself standing in Cass’s throne room. It was different this time, though. I actually saw Tristan there, standing behind me—completely invisible to me at the time. He had his mask on, and his arm lifted as if to touch me.
Books. Library. Shelves.
I focused as hard as I could to push him out of my head, but nothing was working.
The images changed to me standing in the middle of my room in Dez’s castle, holding the daisy that Tristan had placed in my hand.
Books. Library.
Then, our time in the garden.
Books.
My head rushed as he pulled out, but this time, the world spun and I almost fell again. Thankfully, Tristan caught me. But his eyes were wide as he looked down at me.
“I’m sorry,” I groaned, feeling like my brain had expanded and then shrunk inside of my head. “I really tried.”
“You’re bleeding,” he whispered, his fingers coming up to my nose as he swiped just below it. When I looked down, crimson coated his thumb.
“Oh, yeah… It, uh… It did that once with Eris, too. I’m fine, though.”
I lifted myself, moving to sit and try again, but Tristan shook his head. “No. No more of that today.”
“One more time,” I pleaded. “Come on. Let me keep trying! I know I can—”
“I will not allow you to hurt yourself, Morrigan,” he all but yelled. “That was a lot at once, and I never should have done it to begin with. It was selfish of… Never mind that. We can work on your fire after you’ve had some lunch and tea to help your body relax a little.”
Without giving me the opportunity of a response, he stood and walked away, disappearing into a fit of thick, black, eerie mist.
Tristan wasn’t present in the dining hall as I ate with Azrael and my mother, but he waited for me in the garden after.
His eyes were clearer, and his body seemed a lot less tense.
“This shouldn’t be as hard as occluding. You’ve already used your fire before. You seem to be able to summon it faster than before as well.” He moved us to the other end of the garden, closer to the tree line, and further away from the castle. “What have they done in terms of training for you?”
I was actually taken aback by the question. “What do you mean, training? They haven’t trained me for anything.”
His brows knitted together as he stared at me. “You, a mortal, developed unexplainable powers, and not a single one of them thought to teach you to use said powers?”
I shrugged. “We didn’t exactly have a lot of time. Lyra had given me a stone to help control my outbursts, keeping the flames tamed. And by the time I would have been ready to start learning, Cain—”
I stumbled over his name, saying it almost too casually. It made me clamp my mouth shut, forcing the thoughts back into the little box I had crafted for them.
Tristan didn’t comment, but his eyes did linger for a second longer before he shook his head.
“Alright, let’s just start with the basics.
” He offered his hands, gesturing for me to take them.
When I did, he turned both of my palms up and placed them beside each other in a “cupping” manner.
“The first thing I did wrong as a child was seeing these abilities as an extension of myself. Like, this other side of my mind could take over, making its own decisions. That’s what causes bursts of power like you’ve had before. ”
“It only ever works when I’m in some kind of danger, or my emotions are too strong,” I pointed out.
“This power, Morrigan… It’s you. You need to accept that before you can truly learn to wield it. Close your eyes for me.”
As I followed his instruction, the world around me slowly disappeared. All I could feel was Tristan’s fingers around my wrists.
“Find the flame. Find the source of the heat within you.”
It took a couple of seconds, but I was able to reach the tiny fleck of light that currently remained dormant somewhere deep in my chest. “Okay,” I said with an exhale.
“Fan the flame now. Don’t just push it, but give it air to breathe, to move, to expand. First, let the heat into your veins. Feel the way it moves in your body.”
I allowed my body to relax in front of him and felt the heat seep into my blood, warming me in the most comforting way.
First, I felt it in my ribs, then my shoulders.
It spread until every limb felt like we stood before a large fire, but it didn’t burn—it tingled.
Vibrating against my fingertips and causing goosebumps to rise on my skin.
“Now, feel the flame leave your fingers, but don’t let it go. Hold onto it. The fire does not control you, Morrigan. You are the fire. Feel it slide against your palms. Feel the flames licking your skin.”
The tingling increased until I felt the slight relief of heat release from my hands. My entire wrist suddenly felt warm as something moved along my fingers, circling my palms and beginning to crawl up my arms.
“Open your eyes,” he whispered to me.
When I did, a bright light shone from where our hands connected. Flames were dancing around us both, flicking and circling our arms like it was tying us together.
“You know,” he said quietly, staring down at the same thing I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from. “In some of my mother’s books, she would refer to our power as light.” A sharp spark of energy burst through me as his thumb brushed my skin. “I think I understand that now.”
Beautiful.
Tristan’s voice came through just as it had the other night during his episode. A faraway whisper that made me jump back, extinguishing the flames in my hands and releasing Tristan’s grip.
His eyes shot up to mine with concern. “Are you alright?” he asked, taking a step toward me.
His voice is normal now.
Did I… Did I just hear his thoughts?
“Morrigan,” Tristan said, closing the distance between us again and lifting his hand to my face. “Shit… You’re bleeding again.”
Sure enough, I wiped beneath my nose and found fresh blood dripping slowly. “I’m fine.”
…not normal… thought this would happen…
His words were coming in short, incoherent segments, causing my head to thud. Before he could say, or think, anything else, I turned on my heel and hurried back to the castle.
“Morrigan!” he yelled behind me, but I ignored him.
What the fuck is happening to me?!