Chapter 39 #2
Oh, God. Is that what they think?
“No, Madi. No.”
“Grey has alluded to you having an eating disorder, and Clover said she had suspicions. Then all this stuff with Riley, but most importantly with your family, Sav. We had no idea they were so terrible to you. You never mentioned them, and when you did, you glossed over what it was really like. The way they treated you, God, Sav. I’m so sorry. ”
My shame spiral burrows deep into my chest.
I think I’m going to be sick. It’s almost thirty years of shame bubbling to the surface, wanting an escape I’ve never allowed.
“I’m sorry,” Madi says. “This can wait until you’re feeling better.” She stands, but I grasp her wrist before she can move away.
This conversation has been a long time coming.
“I think I was six when I started parenting myself…and to some extent, my parents too.” I can’t meet Madi’s eyes. I know she had a shitty childhood with her own parents that led to her moving in with Pops when she was ten, but at least she was brave enough to talk about it.
I hid behind a facade I created to make myself feel better.
“By the time I was thirteen, I was angry. Angry at my parents, angry at my circumstances, angry at every adult who had ever let me down, so I rebelled. I started going to parties, stealing stupid shit one day, food the next, meeting the wrong people.”
Madi reaches out and clasps my hand in hers.
“I met Riley when I was fifteen at a party Paige got us into. By the time I was sixteen, we were dating, and I liked that he was so much older than me. At first, he made me feel safe. He took control, and I didn’t have to worry about where my next meal would come from.”
“He groomed you, Sav.”
I nod, still unsure if that’s what actually happened or if I was just so desperate to be loved that I ignored the signs.
“About a year before the accident where Paige lost use of her legs, I felt like I’d lost control of my entire life, and I found it by controlling what I consumed. I would starve myself, then binge and purge. At one point, I was taking upward of twelve laxatives a day.”
“Oh, Savvy.” Madi squeezes my hand, and I take strength from it.
“Sometimes, I’d get hungry and talk myself out of eating because I knew I’d make myself throw up and hated that weakness.
But I had this mantra—If I give Savvy a cookie, she’s going to want a Big Mac.
It’s how it always worked. If I ate a plate of lettuce, it would feed my hunger just enough to turn it into a monster, and then I’d eat anything in sight. ”
She sniffles, but I keep my focus on our hands.
“It was just easier not to eat. It got easier when I met you and Clover, and slowly, over the years, I got better. Until Grey left and Riley was released, I hadn’t even thought about what I was eating or not eating in years.”
“I wish you’d talked to us about any of this, Savvy. We would have helped.”
“I—I was embarrassed. I’m the friend who has it all together. I’m the one you come to when things are falling apart. I’m the rock. I like being the rock. It makes me feel…useful and needed. I don’t know who I am if I’m not the person you all count on.”
“Geez, Savvy. You will always be that person to us. It’s who you are, but even rocks can be bowled over in a tsunami. You can’t be anything for us if you’re not there for yourself first. You know, you can’t pour from an empty cup and all.”
Finally, I make eye contact and find the truth I was afraid didn’t exist.
“I think somewhere along the way, I learned that no one could love me as much as I loved them, so I created this mask. I became someone you guys needed but never shared the darkness I hid beneath. I didn’t want to give you a reason to push me away.”
“I understand that you were protecting yourself, Sav. Everyone you’ve ever counted on has left you more broken than the last, but I appreciate you telling me.
Hopefully, now we’ll be able to prove to you that we’ll never leave you alone, we’ll never push you away.
You’re our family, the way family should be, and we won’t ever let you down. ”
My phone beeps as Madi’s buzzes.
Clover.
“Can you believe Valen calls her Honeybee and has no idea why?” she squeals, diving for her purse on the floor to retrieve her phone.
Clover: Upstate New York. Wouldn’t this place make a great murder hotel?
Clover: Photo sent.
“Oh, gross. A murder has definitely taken place there,” Madi laughs while texting back.
Madi: Absolutely. Please tell me you’re not staying there.
A couple of weeks ago, Clover received yet another threat. Riley opened the door to Clover’s hell when he put out her private information on the dark web, so the Harrington family made a suggestion: Take a road trip with Valen to retrieve all the letters she’s mailed him over the years.
She only said no because I was in the hospital, but after a week of back and forth and a lot of reassurance that she couldn’t do anything for me, I convinced her that if this was something she wanted to do, she should.
I got the biggest shock of my life when she left the next day with him but also brought Chief and Elle’s dog, Wrecks, along for the ride.
My scaredy-cat friend who’s afraid of her own shadow packed up to go on an extended road trip with a man she hasn’t seen since she was fourteen, a seventy-year-old man whose self-importance is a matter of national security, and a dog who eats tires for fun.
It’s the man who doesn’t remember her that makes me the most nervous—a stranger whose heart may remember hers, but whose mind can’t recall a single fact about her.
Clover had absolutely no reservations about jumping into a car with him, so who were we to keep her from this adventure?
We did insist that she and Chief check in with us eight times a day, and at least three of them had to be video calls—we couldn’t just take Valen’s word that they’d be safe. We also joined a family plan on Life360 and track her every move.
I still don’t know if it was the right call, encouraging her to go, but I’d also never seen her so…alive before.
“Do you think he’s ever going to remember her?” I ask.
Madi freezes with her thumbs on her phone. “I don’t know, but no matter how it plays out, she’s finally getting closure, and that’s more than I ever thought she’d get.”
“True. I just don’t want to see her get hurt.”
“If it’s any consolation, after watching them together, I don’t think she’ll get so much as a hangnail with Valen around. He’s too…protective. Her heart might be another issue, but we have to let her write her own story.”
I laugh. “As long as her story doesn’t have any murder attempts, serial killers, or stalkers, I’m all for it.”
My hospital room door opens, and Grey walks in as though he owns the place. And based on the threats Elle told me he made, he just might.
“You ready?” he asks. He’s not wearing a suit, and he hasn’t the entire time I’ve been in here.
The dark denim and light blue button-down are a stark contrast to the Greyson Reyes I first met.
He appears almost relaxed.
“The nurses are dragging their feet, but I’m done with this hellhole, and I’m taking you home.”
Okay, maybe not relaxed, but a work in progress.
“I’m ready,” I say. “But I’m a little afraid of what I’ll be walking into.”
Grey rolls his eyes. Rolls his freaking eyes like a teenager. I’m not hating this new and improved version of him.
“You’ll be walking into your new and improved home, Monroe. Don’t turn this into a thing. You’re my wife—”
“Allegedly, and illegally, I might add.”
“The ink is dry, sweetheart. You are mine, and I am yours, so I—” He tugs on his collar as though he’s uncomfortable.
“I made a few minor adjustments to our home so you’d be comfortable.
Now, do you want to sit here talking about it all day, or do you want to go see what me and Elle have been up to? ”
Elle is a fabulous interior decorator. Hell, she decorated my entire duplex, but the fact that he hired her makes my palms itchy.
It’s the fear of the unknown, I realize, when he pushes a wheelchair into the room.
“I’m ready but…” I chew on my thumb nail until he looks up at me. “I still need help with day-to-day tasks, Grey. I can’t even pee without help to the toilet. Don’t you think it would be better for me to go into a rehab center?”
He scoffs as though that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. We’ve already had this argument so many times, I can practically here his reply before he says it.
“Monroe, I think I’ve been waiting my whole life to take care of my wife. Do you really think I’m going to allow someone else to do it now that I have you?”
Ugh. He’s really wearing out the wife moniker.
“Fine, husband. Let’s go.”
He’s on me before I can even pull back the blankets. His hands cradle my face, and the intensity of his stare sends shivers coursing over my skin. “Say it again.”
Good Lord. This really is going to be a thing, I can feel it.
“Husband,” I say with as much attitude as I can muster.
My tone doesn’t even faze him. His lips press to mine in a demanding kiss that tastes of power and control, but also patience, love, and cinnamon.
I melt. I freaking melt right into his hands. I’m the M&M’s in the palm of a toddler’s hand who fell asleep with them in their grasp. Ooey, gooey, melted.
“Y’all are so stinking cute. But let’s get this show on the road. Braxton and Cian have the grill going at your house, and everyone’s ready to celebrate your homecoming.” Madi bounces with happiness.
“What the hell? I wanted to take her home alone. I’ve got…stuff to do. Who said you could all just show up—”
“Grey,” I cut him off. I know sharing is a new concept for him, but I feel like I need this. I need them—the family who found me and made me whole again.
“Fine,” he grumbles. “But everyone had better be off the property by eight at the latest. Six would be better.”
“Grey.” Madi laughs. “It’s already four o’clock.”
“Five would be preferable,” he says. His head is lowered while he helps me out of the bed, but I saw the smirk on his face.
“It’s fine, Madi,” I say. “I’m looking forward to seeing everyone.”
“It’ll be the best welcome-home party this town has ever seen,” she says, tossing a bag over her shoulder. I just hope she doesn’t go into labor before the night is over.
I’ve lived in many places over my lifetime, but none of them have ever truly felt like home.
Perhaps Madi’s right though. Maybe this time, I’ve finally found where I belong and that’s all I need to create a home.