Chapter Sixteen #2
“I don’t want to tell you my opinions. You deserve to make your own calls.”
“You’re terrible at hiding things. I can always tell what’s on your mind by looking at your face.”
Mama gave a misty smile. “All I know for certain is that Charlie deeply loves you. His sacrifice shows that.”
I snorted. “I’m sure Daddy has the same opinion.”
“You’d be surprised what your father thinks. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t calling for Charlie’s head after what happened. He can be a complicated man.”
I shook my head. “I was a gift from the gods, but Casey wasn’t planned. You guys got this beautiful birth because of what Charlie did. This baby just… appeared, and I don’t know what to do with him.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Mama stated simply. “It’s enough to exist alongside him.”
“How? I’m the worst mother ever. I can’t feed him, I can’t care for him properly, and I don't love him. I’m failing in all the ways that matter.”
“He doesn’t know that,” Mama pointed out. “To him, you’re the best mom in the world. The only one he wants.”
That statement wrecked me. I was slowly becoming captivated by the sight of his tiny nose, his soft lips and little cheeks.
He looked so much like Charlie. I didn’t see much resemblance of myself in Casey’s features. I struggled to believe I’d birthed him, but did he ever take after his father.
I couldn’t hold him anymore. I lifted him up to my mother. “He needs to go back.”
Mama took Casey from me without any protest, setting him back into the incubator. She stepped away, murmuring, “It’ll get easier as he grows.”
“And what if it doesn’t?”
“You can love him without feeling anything for him, Ava. The love of a parent doesn’t solve every problem. Sometimes, your head has to do what’s best when your heart can hardly bear it.”
She got the baby settled, then turned to me. I barely saw her— I was still staring at the baby trapped in the incubator.
My doing. What I’d done.
I looked up at my mom. “I want you guys to take the baby.”
Mama’s eyebrows narrowed in surprise. “Ava.”
“You guys are great parents. You raised three amazing kids out of four, and I was a dud from the beginning. It’s not your fault I turned out this way.”
“Ava—”
“It’s for the best. You can get a second chance and raise him to be better than me. It’ll be like fixing the mistake I became.” I left it at that, leaving the room and refusing to look back.
I didn’t know where to go, so I just wandered. I found myself by the fountain in the gardens, staring into the water and watching the fish swim in circles.
This fountain had provided such a magical moment. Charlie and I had fallen into it after our wedding and made love here, under the stars and the heavens. Oberi had said after he’d thrown us in that the time for us to have kids had arrived.
I guess fate had taken its course on that one.
What do I do? I didn’t have any answers, and a tear dropped into the water. The ripples spread, creating small waves.
“Look, Ava. I’m not going to let you do this.”
Kallie’s voice was blunt. My sorrow turned to annoyance as I yanked my chair around to face her.
She must’ve overheard the conversation with my mom.
She had a no-tolerance-for-bullshit look on her face, but I was planning on throwing all the BS I had at her that remained, and for fuck’s sake there was a lot of it.
If she wanted to do this right now, she could help me shovel the shit, because I was done.
“Do what?” I was so tired of the judgement. People kept telling me this was my decision, so when were they going to let me make it?
“You don’t want to give up your baby. I’m your best friend. I know this isn’t what you want,” Kallie said, putting her hands on her hips. “You’re just overwhelmed. But you don’t have to be, because everyone’s here for you.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s what everyone says when someone has a baby, but does anyone ever follow through?
” I challenged. “You guys just want me to stick with Charlie and be miserable so we can raise this baby together, and if that happens, he’s going to turn out more fucked up than either of his parents were.
You really think me and him can raise a child together?
Casey will be committing felonies by the time he’s five! ”
“You don’t have to stay with Charlie,” Kallie insisted. “You can pick and choose what you want.”
“I can’t raise a baby with this many health complications by myself.
I’m disabled as it is, so how can I handle Casey’s care and mine all on my own?
” I demanded. “It would be better if his father wasn’t a lunatic, but unfortunately, both of us came straight out of the discount section at the loony bin!
I’m surprised this kid isn’t hearing voices and plotting homicide! ”
“Marcus was a preemie, and his parents went through this. Maybe you can ask them for advice,” Kallie offered.
“Kallie, there’s only one realistic option, and it’s to give this baby a family who isn’t completely insane,” I argued. “If my parents can’t take care of him, I want you and Marcus to raise him. You guys would be way better parents than Charlie and me.”
Kallie shook her head. “I’m not doing that. This is your baby. I’d take him if you didn’t want him, but that’s not the case. You’re not letting yourself have him. There’s a difference.”
I was fed up with people telling me what to do and how to feel. “Who are you to dictate what I do and don’t want? You’re not in my head! You can’t tell me where I’m at or how I truly feel, because you haven’t lived my life!”
“You need somebody to clap back and give you a reality check every now and then, and this is mine,” Kallie growled. “Friends don’t let each other get away with whatever they want. It’s time to wake up.”
“I’m still sleeping, so go away.” I tried to turn away from her, but she stomped in front of me and blocked my exit out of the gardens.
“You’re not a bad person. The fact that you’re upset you can’t bond with him is proof that you do care,” Kallie argued. “I’m not letting you throw this away without thinking it through, because this could turn into something you really want. I can’t let my best friend live a life of regret.”
“None of us are long for this world, anyway. It’d be better to give this baby up now, and give him a chance of getting somewhere safe, instead of trying to hold on to him until the Warden finally has a big enough tantrum he breaks the shield down.”
That was my real worry— that we wouldn’t get Casey away from the city in time, and I’d take too long to make up my mind, because if I did, I’d be putting him in danger once the Warden got through.
The rest of us couldn’t hide forever, because the Warden would always find us, but if I gave Casey away now, whoever had him could go into hiding and raise him out of sight of the Warden’s eye.
He didn’t know Casey existed yet, and he couldn’t.
“Do you really think the Warden is never going to find out about Casey? He’s a naderei. The minute he hears that this baby has seer powers, and that he came from you, he’s going to scour the earth searching for him,” Kallie demanded.
Yeah, that was another thing I blamed myself for. I couldn’t have made a sick baby and been done with it. I had to make a sick baby that would one day grow up to be extremely valuable, and turn him into a target for evil people to use. I couldn’t forgive myself for that.
Kallie caught the look on my face and read my mind. “You didn’t choose to turn him into a prophet. The gods did.”
“Well, the gods are stupid.” I could strangle them right now if I had them in front of me.
“We have a plan. It’s not a great one, but if it works out, you have a chance to live the life that you want.”
I gave an obnoxious laugh. “Sure! Because the plan you guys came up with isn't completely delusional!”
Kallie had told me that Oberi had the bright idea to find a time vortex to throw the Warden into.
I thought it was stupid, and didn’t care much if it worked.
It didn’t matter if ww got rid of the Warden, because no matter if it was this world, another world, or no world at all, there wouldn’t be any place for me to fit into it.
Let the Warden burn down this reality, and the next.
Though Casey didn’t deserve that. If there was one reason for me to believe that Oberi’s crazy idea was a good one, it was so our baby could grow up in a place that wasn’t totally fucked.
Our baby. That was a lie. We’d made him, but he wasn’t ours. I wasn’t sure who he belonged to… but it certainly wasn’t me.
“This plan is the only chance we’ve got,” Kallie insisted. “I know we can do amazing things. If we can get the group back together, and get our friends to unite as one, we can find a way through this.”
“There’s no more Villain’s Club. I blew that up when I tried to end the world. Our friend group is the one thing that’s in a worse state than my marriage.”
“Because it relied on you and Charlie being in love,” Kallie pointed out. “Our group has always fallen apart whenever you two aren’t getting along. You guys are the glue that keeps everyone together.”
“Why do you care, Kallie?” I groaned.
Kallie crossed her arms. “You never gave up on me and Marcus, so I’m not giving up on you and Charlie. You two shouldn’t be separated.”
“Great, so you’re on his side. I thought you hated him!”
“I don’t hate him. I’m really mad at him. There’s a difference.” Kallie hunched inward. “I was so pissed when everything went down that I could’ve killed him on the spot, but enough time has passed to make me realize that you two shouldn’t be apart. You’re both miserable without each other.”
I wouldn’t admit it. “Our bond is broken, so there’s no point in trying to save our marriage. I can hope for things to change all I want, but that doesn’t mean they will.”
“Me and Marcus didn’t get better until our bond was broken. Maybe this is an opportunity for you guys.”