Chapter 6 #2
“As I said, naked and tied to the bed all next weekend.”
Ethan had told me he’d changed the brief to the realtor, as he called the estate agent, and made sure that all the flats we were going to see today were close to mine.
I explained to him that I was due to be moving, but he didn’t seem to care.
Part of me wondered whether he wanted me to offer to let him stay with me.
Part of me wanted to. But I didn’t suggest it and he didn’t ask.
We were due to see four flats. All ten times bigger than any I’d been looking at.
I’m sure any of them would be fine. Two were in the same block as each other so our hunting wasn’t going to take too long.
Ethan seemed enthusiastic about the day, perhaps my poky little flat was getting to him.
His apartment on the Hudson was amazing and in a totally different league from my place.
We were a few minutes late to the first viewing and the realtor was waiting for us.
“I’m Marie, we spoke on the phone.” She held out her hand to Ethan who shook it and then turned to me.
“This is my girlfriend, Anna.”
Marie gripped my hand as my stomach clenched. Girlfriend? Fear gripped me. I didn’t like the ambiguity that that word created between us. Girlfriend could mean so many things but for me it meant disappointment and heartache. I forced a toothless grin at Marie and stayed quiet.
Marie and Ethan’s enthusiasm for flat hunting overshadowed any potential awkwardness that I might be projecting. The four flats were amazing and Ethan seemed to like all of them. I just nodded and smiled as he pointed out the great things about each flat.
He agreed with Marie that he’d give her his decision that afternoon. I exhaled as she left. When it was Ethan and me, everything was so much easier. I didn’t need to think about a label for our relationship. I didn’t need to think about the future. I could just concentrate on him.
“So, do you wanna go have lunch or go home and fuck?” he asked.
I laughed at his abruptness. “You can take the man out of New York but not New York out of the man,” I replied.
“Home to fuck it is,” he replied. He grabbed me and pulled me against him with one hand and held out his hand for a cab with the other.
We were within walking distance of my flat. I wasn’t sure if he had his bearings or he didn’t want to waste any more time with our clothes on.
“So, you look a bit brighter now that you’re going to get your rocks off.” He nudged me in the cab.
“Was I looking dull before?” I asked.
“You looked like you were going to puke there for a while when I called you my girlfriend. A man with a lessor ego could have been crushed.”
I didn’t know what to say in response. “I’m sorry. I was just surprised.”
“But you didn’t like it,” he pressed.
“I struggle with the connotations the word brings with it.”
“Hmmm,” was the only reply I got.
“Anyway, I think you’re just trying to get a rise out of me. You’ve avoided having a girlfriend for like ever.”
“I’m not trying to avoid anything. I think you need to ask yourself if you are,” he said and looked at me with something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite name.
I leaned forward and pulled down the window of the cab, trying to find more air just as we arrived back at my flat.
I jumped out and tried to pay the driver, but Ethan was already handing over cash inside the cab.
We moved silently into my building, the tension bristling between us. I wished that what he was thinking would play out in subtitles above his head.
When we got inside the flat I went to the kitchen and switched on the kettle.
I half thought that he’d grab me and we’d be fucking this tension away as soon as we got inside, but Ethan headed straight to the living room.
I shifted from leg to leg as I tried to unscramble what I was thinking at the same time as speculating on what was going through Ethan’s head.
We had a few hours before we had to leave for dinner at Ethan’s sister’s. We had time.
Ethan was hovering in the living room, looking out the window when I brought in coffees for both of us. “Thanks, but I think I’m going to head back to the hotel and call the realtor,” he said. My heart tightened. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to have caused this.
“I thought we were going to fuck?” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Jesus, really? You’re going to pretend this is all about sex?” he asked, still looking out of the window with his back to me and reaching into his pocket and retrieving his keys. I’d not seen this side of him before. Normally, nothing ruffled him. He was always calm and in control.
“Ethan,” I said and walked toward him. I went to stroke his arm and he pulled away from me. Anxiety swept through me. Had I upset him? Did I have the power to upset him? I hated this feeling. “Ethan, please. I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t know if I can do this with you Anna, I can’t handle it when you keep things from me.” he said simply, still not looking at me.
My heart squeezed tighter and I struggled to breathe.
I nodded but he couldn’t see. I was trying to be calm, but inside I felt anything but.
What could I say to make him stay? Maybe it would be better this way.
Easier at work, anyway. The thought of seeing him in the office but knowing that we would be nothing to each other made my stomach clench and I clasped my fingers of one hand in the other and twisted, hoping to displace the pain.
“I understand. It’s complicated,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady but I failed and I managed an unattractive half-breath, half-sob at the end of the sentence. It didn’t go unmissed by Ethan and he turned to look at me.
“What is it?” he asked. “You’re upset? What’s wrong?”
I shrugged my shoulders and a tear escaped.
“Anna. Would you just talk to me? I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You want to be exclusive but you get freaked out by me introducing you as my girlfriend. What’s that? And you’re distant in the cab and then all about the sex when we come up here? What’s going on?”
“I’m trying,” I choked out. “Just because I’ve had boyfriends before doesn’t mean I’m good at it.”
I turned away from him and covered my face with my hands. How did I feel this upset about him leaving me? What happened to the promise I’d made to myself that men were only going to be about fun from now on?
“Then be honest with me. I can’t deal with the bullshit.”
“I’m not bullshitting you.”
“But you’re not being honest.”
“I’m scared,” I bit out.
“Of me? Of being honest?”
I could feel him moving closer to me. I nodded but didn’t look up at him. He pulled my hands from my face and his head dipped as he tried to look me in the eye.
“Anna, talk to me. What are you scared of?”
It was like he’d uncorked a bottle of something fizzy and everything just spilled out.
“I’m scared this, us, is more than sex. I’m scared that I want this to be more than sex.
I’m scared of you leaving and I’m scared of you staying.
I’m scared of how I feel about this, you.
It’s just complicated and this wasn’t supposed to be complicated.
You could hurt me, Ethan. Already, you could really hurt me. ”
I kept my eyes away from his, worried at what I would see if I looked. He just pulled me toward him and held me tight. “I know,” he whispered in my hair.