Chapter 12
12
Before sunset, Nix had finished the potion. By the time she gave it to me, I had already locked the manacles into place, securing myself to the tree trunk in the middle of my room. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time. In case the sleeping potion didn’t work, I didn’t want to risk hurting Nix.
I’d moved the bed closer so I would be able to lie down while still chained properly to the tree trunk. It was messy, but it would have to do. I tugged on the manacles again and again, double-checking that I was secure, but the only way to know if it worked would be to find out tomorrow. My nerves were a jumbled mess in my stomach, like I’d eaten a colony of ants, a combination of anticipation for what was going to come and the uncertainty of Nix’s sleeping potion.
“Are you ready?” Nix asked, handing the glass to me. The liquid inside was a murky brown, looking and smelling like swamp water, but I couldn’t be squeamish. I needed to do this.
The last thing I remembered was putting the potion to my lips.
My dreams that night were nothing but a world full of red: bloody claws, a river of entrails, and burning hunger. Ravenous, desperate, pleading. It was all emotion, flashing like a shutter on a camera, broken by my own vicious need to be free.
When I woke up, I saw red. But it was only the morning light. It washed over me, dragging me from sleep. After a moment, I jerked, and the chains rattled when I did. I was still secured to the tree trunk and lying on my bed. The iron cuffs around my wrists had left a red ring on my skin that was still hot to the touch, but I was human again.
I looked around the room. No blood and no entrails, but no Nix.
My heart pounded. “Nix?” My throat was raw and hurt. It was like I’d slept with my mouth open and my tongue had turned into sandpaper, but I knew better. My saliva tasted like pennies. I had transformed last night; that was for sure.
But where was Nix?
“Nix!” I called again, louder.
There was a sound coming from behind my bathroom door, and it opened. Nix appeared, her face pale, but relief washed over her features. “You’re back,” she said.
“Did it happen?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said, her voice small.
“The potion, then—did it work?”
She shook her head. Slowly, she came into the room and looked around. “That was…a lot. But you didn’t escape. That’s what matters.”
Tears stung my eyes, and I tried to blink them away. “Nix, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize! I wanted to see it for myself. Now I know what we’re dealing with.”
I spoke the word to unlock my manacles, and they snapped open. When I was free, I rubbed my wrists, appreciating the coolness of my fingers against the heat of the burn.
Nix sat on the edge of my bed and handed me a glass of water. I drank it greedily. I was so thirsty, but thankfully not for blood.
“What did I do?” I asked, wiping my mouth with the back of my wrist.
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
“The potion, and…nothing. What happened?”
“Well, the second you drank the potion, you got this look on your face…like super calm. I asked you if everything was okay, and you answered, saying everything was fine. I almost believed you, too. And you asked why you were wearing chains and if I could take them off, and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. I said I’d go and get you something to drink, and when I came back, you were…” A flurry of emotions passed over Nix’s face, and she composed herself as best she could. “I came back, and your legs were standing upright at the foot of your bed.” She pointed as if they were still there. “And your upper half was…”
She looked like she didn’t want to say, but I pleaded with her. “Please, Nix. Did I try to attack you?”
“No, your upper half was still chained up. Your arms were cuffed to the tree. When you heard me come in, you started thrashing around, but you couldn’t break free. I almost dropped the glass of water when you looked at me; I barely recognized you. You kept screaming that you were starving, begging me over and over again to let you go. Obviously I didn’t.”
It was easy to imagine it. My leathery bat wings, my sharp claws and teeth, my blood-red eyes. I thought about how scared Nix must have been when she saw me. My gaze snagged on the gouges in the wood of the tree trunk where the cuffs had scraped against the bark. But it had held. I hadn’t hurt anyone last night. I rubbed at the raw skin on my wrists again, and Nix surprised me by pulling me into a hug and squeezing me so tight, I gasped.
“Whatever is causing this, we’ll figure it out,” she said. “I promise.”
“The iron worked, at least,” I said. “It was strong enough to hold me.”
“That’s a good sign. Now we just have to figure out how we can stop it altogether. I’m sorry the potion was a failure.”
“It wasn’t a failure. We just know now that the monster is a lot stronger than I thought. We can try again tonight.”
“I might kill you if I make a stronger potion.” Nix pulled away and smiled. At least the color was starting to return to her face. I felt awful for scaring her. I wasn’t sure where I’d be without her. She was so brave, especially now that she saw me for what I really was. I was ashamed, but she didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. In fact, behind the worry in her eyes, there was a sparkle. This was a new mystery to solve.
We both got dressed and went to breakfast, which was served in the pavilion. Everyone except Lucas was already there. They were all laughing and chatting, seemingly without a care in the world. Food was plentiful, and the mood was light. Mercifully, with me under control, there had been no more sightings of the monster lurking the grounds.
I sat with Nix, pretending like I didn’t exist while the others continued their conversation.
Every sunset, I would become a monster. And I had no idea how to stop it.
“I hope it hasn’t been scared off,” General Heng said, leaning over the table to pluck a grape from a bowl, then popping it into his mouth. It. I had full clarity on what they were talking about.
“It’s a monster; it isn’t scared,” said Qian, smiling confidently and glancing around at all of us at the table. “It’ll be back.” If he was disappointed he didn’t get to hunt a monster, he didn’t show it.
I was even more tired than before. I hadn’t had a wink of sleep, and my eyes felt like they were full of sand. The conversation around the table turned into a drone, and I stared at my full plate of food that nauseated me, wondering what else I could do, barely listening as General Heng said they’d faced a similar monster last year.
Heng had the entire table’s attention, including Amador’s, while he told the story about Qian’s heroics. Qian, meanwhile, leaned back in his chair, a small, amused smile on his face as if he was thinking fondly back on that time.
“So there he was, one arrow left, bleeding profusely from where the Aoyin tore into him, and the creature stared him down for the final kill.”
Nix shifted uncomfortably next to me, but I kept my attention on the plate, trying to freeze my face into an expression of impassivity, almost boredom. I didn’t want to let them in on the fact that my insides were corkscrewing with nerves at the talk of monsters.
“What happened next?” Amador asked. She seemed highly interested in the story, practically on the edge of her seat.
“I killed it, of course,” Qian said, grinning. “Shot it straight through the heart.”
The second I stepped into the jungle, I felt like I could breathe again. After breakfast, I’d excused myself to go for a walk. Alone. The cacophony of birdsong and the smell of blossoming hibiscus overwhelmed my senses, drowning everything else out and letting me forget for a brief moment that I was a queen and a monster.
There was plenty of time until sundown, and I needed a few hours to myself. I had terrified Nix, even though she had denied it. I felt miserable; I was on the verge of tears with each passing second. It was hard to think about anything else when my body was reminding me that I was losing myself further every night. I sensed, deep down, that the manananggal was gaining strength. I hadn’t been in control of my body last night, and I had a sinking feeling that the manananggal wanted it that way. How much longer until it took over for good?
Bugs and birds, buzzing and cawing from invisible places in the jungle, surrounded me while I walked along a dirt path. I imagined this path was used by animals making their way through the underbrush, and I trusted they knew where they were going, so I followed. I remembered Edgardo’s warning about the various magical trappings in the surrounding area, but I was too exhausted to care. And I wasn’t frightened of any dangerous animals that might be lurking in the underbrush. If anything, they should be frightened of me.
I came upon a small stream of crystal clear water, glittering in the dappled sunlight, and decided to follow it up the mountain, toward its source. I spent a while hiking uphill and was drenched in sweat and covered in bug bites by the time I heard the sound of rushing water, louder than before.
I crested a ridge and came upon a waterfall pouring down the mountainside from so high that I couldn’t see the top. Behind the curtain of water was a cave that opened into the mountain, where even more water rushed out. It kind of reminded me of the springs back home, but here, the air itself pulsed with magic. I could feel it tickling my skin, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. But this didn’t feel like dangerous magic. Instead, it felt like the kind in the human world, like a perfect summer afternoon with my mom, drinking lemonade on the steps of the library. Time had seemed to stop then—when the light was low but the crickets had come out, as though the world itself was holding its breath. It was one of those magical moments that stuck with me whenever I thought about paradise.
Curious, I stepped into the cave, and immediately, the air got cooler but no less humid. It was almost like I really had walked into a beast’s mouth. Despite the darkness, I never had to strain my eyes to see. I followed the creek flowing down the tunnel, and the longer I walked, the more I noticed that the rocks around me glowed with a soft pink light. The air in here was thicker, too, like the magic was more condensed. It had a softly sweet and floral scent, like honey and roses.
This was no ordinary cave. At the end, it opened up into a large cavern the size of my room at the great house, with a natural spring in the middle. Stalactites jutted down from the ceiling, and glittering droplets of water fell on the stalagmites below. The spring burbled, and steam came off the surface. When I put my hand in the water, it was hot but not uncomfortable.
As I dragged my hand in the water, the churning, frenetic, anxious thoughts in my mind immediately softened, like massaging a knot out of a muscle, and I let out a sigh of relief. Similar to taking a sip of hot wine, warmth spread in my stomach, and my eyes drifted closed.
Distantly, I was aware that this was not a normal feeling, that this was probably caused by some kind of magic, but for once, I felt so at ease. I was thankful for the reprieve, even though I knew it was artificial. I didn’t care. There wasn’t anything to be afraid of.
I was…content. Happy, even. So comfortable that I didn’t realize I was pulling off my clothes and wading into the spring. I was operating without thinking, just like when I turned into a manananggal. But it wasn’t scary at all.
I dipped below the surface, soaking my hair, and came up for air again, breathing deeply, finally relaxing. Steam surrounded me while I floated on my back. No one would find me here, and maybe it was better this way. Maybe I could float forever.
The sound of a boot on hard rock behind me made me whip around.
“Lucas,” I barely managed to say without choking on his name. Instinctually, I dipped lower in the water so he could only see my head.
Lucas stared at me, eyes wide, and when he looked at the clothes piled on the cave floor in front of him, he had the decency to spin around to face the wall. Even though the cave light was pink, I could see the blush on his neck.
“MJ. What are you doing here?” he asked, his back still to me.
I swam to the edge of the pool and pulled myself out, even though I yearned to go back underwater, ignore him, and let him wonder. “I was just…I needed to clear my head and took a walk. What are you doing here?”
“I was, uh…doing the same.” He was the type of person to find solace in taking a swim. I didn’t blame him, especially with everything that was going on lately.
I pulled my clothes back on and wrung my hair out.
This was an almost exact replay of our encounter months ago, though our roles had been reversed. I’d found him bathing in the waterfall near the gardens and accused him of being behind the murders at the palace. I remembered how frustrated I’d been with him, how I was so suspicious of his actions. But he proved his innocence, and after then, we’d teamed up. I’d thought about our conversation at the waterfall a lot since then—just how wrong we’d both been about each other. I’d changed so much since I met him, and he’d changed, too. I thought we could really be something together.
“You’re good,” I said to him. He chanced a look over his shoulder and turned back around, though the color never left his cheeks.
Here we stood, like strangers, separated by all the things we couldn’t say to each other.
“I’ll go,” we both said at the same time, and I knew I was blushing as hard as he was, purely based on the fact that my face felt like the surface of the sun.
It was worth noting that neither of us moved, as if we were waiting for the other to do something first.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you. I didn’t know anyone would be here,” he said finally. “I didn’t mean to…”
“I get it. I didn’t think anyone would find me…How’d you know about this place?”
“Stumbled upon it on the first day. A little secret spot. It’s the one place I can get some privacy.”
“What is this?” I gestured to the glowing stones and the shimmering water. “It’s magical, right?”
“I think it’s some sort of wishing well.”
“Like, if I throw a coin in it, a wish will come true?”
“No, more like the things you want reveal themselves to you when you’re here. It brings out your heart’s desire. But it’s only a theory. I just know when I’m here, I feel more at ease, and that’s hard to come by these days.”
So that explained why he had been missing at breakfast. I knew what he meant. Maybe there really was something magical in the air, because it felt like I had too many sips of wine, and I was already imagining myself curled up against a pile of rocks and taking a nap. I had to shake my head a little to clear it.
You want him… The voice in my head was my own, but it came from someplace deep inside, unknown to even myself. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought it had come from the cave.
Lucas was watching me with a kind of softness that made my insides turn to melted chocolate. That was normal whenever Lucas was around, but there was something about the way I felt that didn’t seem quite natural. It was like my body was a pot of simmering water, and an invisible hand had turned up the heat, sending it into a full boil.
To break the tension, I said, “Edgardo warned us about magical traps around the house. Do you think this could be one?”
“I don’t think it’s dangerous. It feeds into the hot springs and all the rivers.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous.”
“My power is sensing when there’s danger. I don’t feel it here.”
“So this is where you’ve been disappearing to since we got here?” I didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but it came out that way.
“Sometimes. Being in that house makes me feel like I’m suffocating.”
I had seen him and Amador outside that evening, the way he held her hand, and he felt like he was suffocating? I almost laughed. “Not having a nice trip with Amador?”
Lucas’s eyes softened. He took in a breath like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. The small voice in my head encouraged me to act on my deepest desire to reach out and touch his face. I fought against that impulse and clenched my fists. Lucas, too, clenched his.
“At least you and Qian seem to be becoming friends,” I said.
“Is that what you think?”
I raised an eyebrow, confused. “You were with him at archery practice. You share similar interests.”
“He has his qualities, good and bad.”
“Don’t we all?”
“I suppose,” Lucas said, a hint of amusement crinkling the corners of his dark eyes. “But we don’t exactly see eye to eye when it comes to certain things.”
“Like the monster?”
He nodded. “Though I know it isn’t something we should ignore. It’s dangerous.”
“No,” I said, heart sinking. “I suppose we shouldn’t.”
Telling Lucas about what was happening to me was out of the question.
“I don’t like Qian, though,” Lucas said.
“Why?”
Lucas was having a hard time articulating it. “The way he looks at you, it sets all my nerves on end.” He shook his head, like he was clearing his own thoughts, and asked, “Are you and Qian courting?”
“What? No! I’m trying to figure out how to help Nix.” Then I remembered the flowers he’d brought for me. Did Lucas know? Had he seen Qian picking the flowers earlier? Had Lucas overheard Qian saying something? My chest tightened when Lucas stepped toward me, and I instinctively stepped back. I didn’t want him to get too close. What if he saw that there was something wrong with me? What if he saw what I was turning into?
Even if he weren’t with Amador, how could he possibly love me now?
“I don’t think I can court anyone else,” I said. Something like relief washed across Lucas’s face, but accusation came across mine. “Why would you care? You’re marrying Amador.”
Lucas huffed loudly through his nose. “It doesn’t stop the way I feel.”
Any anger that came naturally when I was with him had been muted. My desperation won out. I had to know. “Then how do you feel? Tell me. For once.”
Maybe the cave was affecting him, too, because his eyes were bright, vibrant, as if he’d downed an entire bottle of wine.
“When he was touching you, when you were learning to shoot that bow…” Lucas was so close now, I could feel his breath on my cheek. “I had this raging fire inside me. Because I wanted to be the one to touch you like that.”
My stomach somersaulted, and heat rushed to my face. He’d echoed my own thoughts back to me. I’d thought those same words seeing him and Amador together. He was jealous of Qian. I remembered the way Lucas had looked, like he was going to be sick, and how I’d assumed it was because he didn’t want to be near me. And here I thought I was the jealous one.
“I didn’t know you cared,” I said. I desperately wanted to reach out and touch him, but I fought myself, keeping my fists at my sides.
“I care about you so much, sometimes I think I’m losing my mind.”
I care about you, too, I wanted to scream. Instead, I asked, “So, then, what are we to each other?”
“Every day when I wake up,” he whispered, eyes roaming over my face, “every moment before I go to sleep, you’re in my thoughts. You’re all I can think about. You haunt me.”
It was getting harder to breathe. The magic of this cave was getting to my head. “It felt like you were ignoring me. Like I was invisible.”
“Invisible?” He practically gasped, and his eyes went wide. “MJ, you’re the only person I can look at.”
Something like joy took root in my heart. “Lucas…” I whispered. The truth was right on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be let loose. I still loved him. My mind told me to stop, but my heart told me to tell him how I felt. “I…I can’t stop thinking about you, either.”
His gaze, half-lidded, dropped to my lips, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. It was like nothing had changed between us, like nothing at all was standing in our way. No betrothals, no politics. We were alone, and we were together. Finally.
This time, it was my turn to show him how I felt. I leaned in, and my lips caught on his, kissing him like I always wanted. My eyes slipped closed, and all I felt was the softness of his mouth. He smelled amazing—of clean steel, a sharpness that sang. He parted his lips, and our kiss deepened, like he was releasing all the pent-up energy he’d been harnessing these past few days. We practically became one as his hands drew up my arms, caressing my skin with rough fingertips, and it sent rolling waves of pleasure rippling down my spine. Those hands were rough because they were meant to protect—to protect me—never to harm. They were rough and calloused so I would never be in danger.
His mouth tipped mine up, and it made me gasp when his tongue slipped between my lips. And yet he was so gentle as he cradled the side of my face with one hand and held me upright with the other.
It felt so good, I was drunk off his kiss.
“MJ,” he gasped against my mouth.
“Yes?” I asked, dazed.
“I…” He was at a loss for words. He never finished that sentence. All he could do was kiss me, and I understood. This was what he wanted. This was all he wished for. This was what I did, too.
With my arms between us, I traced my fingertips against his shirt, feeling the buttons that cinched it closed, and he seemed to have the same idea. His hands fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, and then he pulled it over his head in one fluid motion. His tan skin, bare and soft in the glowing pink light, was firm, and all I wanted to do was touch him, finding the warmth of his heart, beating under my hands.
He held the back of my head, fingers raking through my wet hair, and pulled me in. I pressed my palms against his chest and kissed him with a hunger I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t the normal kind of hunger; it was a deep lust that made my whole body ache. I completely forgot how angry I was with him, even though the echoes of his lie still thrummed in some distant thoughts. Heat rose inside me, flaring at first like a struck match until it felt like a bonfire was burning all my thoughts and insecurities away. All I could think about was Lucas.
He guided us to a slab of rocks near the spring, and we sank down together, lips locked. I knotted my fingers in his soft curls and my head swam as he traced his hands down my sides and dug his fingers into my skin like he was making sure I wasn’t a dream. It felt like one. We were floating on waves of passion, our desire pouring out of us like a waterfall. I felt unstoppable, like I could do anything when he was with me, but at the same time, I knew if I wasn’t careful, I could drown.
Lucas’s breath quickened the longer we kissed, and I could feel his heartbeat hammering beneath my fingers. Up close, I admired how his long eyelashes rested on the soft skin under his closed eyes, the gentle points of his ears that poked through his hair, the straightness of his brow and how it furrowed slightly each time he kissed me, like touching me wasn’t enough for him.
His eyes opened slightly, too, and he noticed me watching. His mouth curled up into a knowing smile.
But then I remembered I couldn’t have him. This heart belonged to another. He was engaged to Amador.
Thump, thump, thump went his heart. I could feel it. I could hear it. The bonfire inside me blazed like a wildfire.
Outside this cave, I couldn’t have him. And if I couldn’t have him…
Tear his heart out of his chest!
The voice in my head sounded feral. Hungry. Ravenous.
My nails sank deeper into his flesh. The pink light from the rocks started to run red as my vision tunneled, my fingernails lengthened, and my teeth sharpened.
It’s happening, I thought, in a panic.
Horrified, I shoved against Lucas’s chest so hard, he stumbled back and fell to the cave floor in a heap, bewildered and wide-eyed.
Before he could see, I got to my feet and spun around, hiding my face in my hands.
“MJ? I’m—I’m sorry, this was too much…” He didn’t sound hurt. My nails hadn’t done any damage. I heard him get back to his feet, but I couldn’t risk him seeing me. My hands trembled as the fire inside me sputtered out. My teeth dulled, and my fingernails returned to their usual shape. I had almost turned into the manananggal. I had almost hurt him. I was so close, I could have killed him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“What—what time is it?” I asked, my voice so small. Had I lost track of the sun? Was it already nighttime?
It took Lucas a moment to answer, no doubt wondering why that was relevant. “I don’t know. It might be getting late.”
My heart thumped painfully in my chest. I’d totally forgotten the time. I should have been more careful. I’d let the magic of the cave get to me, my desire not entirely my own. I was dangerous. I was a monster. With the setting sun, he would see. He would know. “You have to go.”
There was a twinge of hurt in his voice. “MJ, I—”
“Please,” I said.
I heard him move behind me, and the shuffling of his shirt when he picked it up and pulled it on again. The human part of me wanted to tell him what was happening, that I truly wanted to be with him, and then he could at least know why I was acting this way. But I was terrified. I didn’t want him to see how ugly I really was. How horrible I was deep down. Guilt gnawed on my insides, its teeth as sharp as the ones I’d almost used on him. It was better this way; he had to believe that.
I heard Lucas moving toward the mouth of the cave. I risked a glance over my shoulder and caught his gaze. He’d hesitated for a moment, and my heart sank when I saw that his dark eyes burned with longing, and it almost broke me in half.
And then he was gone.